Sad Thread on Male Caregivers

Posted on June 2, 2009 by Elisa_scoop

I am always saddened to read stories and blog threads questioning the fitness of male caregivers. I mean, if we want truly egalitarian parenting and society as a whole — shouldn’t that include men in nurturing roles?

Most recently, a mom at the Mamasource newsletter of Berkeley wondered if she should hire a male babysitter who happens to be the teenaged son of her friends. She wasn’t concerned about possible molestation — as many women who replied were — she was more concerned that since he was a boy he would engage in riskier behavior that would lead to a fire or broken appliance.

Eventually, she ended up hiring the son and his 11-year-old sister and it all worked out.

But here were some of the replies she received:

Use the same common sense you would use if you hired a female babysitter. Be sure you know the boy and his family. Weird? Not at all, perhaps if we involved our boys in caring for children at an earlier age, they would learn to be better fathers when they have their own children. I have 3 sons and always had a boy babysitter, he was great with them and very trustworthy. My boys also baby sat when they were younger and were very good at it. After reading more of the responses, I have to say that I am really offended by some of the remarks. Evidently there are those who think that females do no wrong and all males are monsters. I am amazed that these mothers even dated anyone with their attitude that all males are suspect. -Katannah D

Children are a precious gift and their innocence can be destroyed and they can be left scarred for life in just one evening. Yes, there are trustworthy boys…lots of them. However, if cousins, brothers, uncles (family) can’t be trusted, how can we begin to trust a neighborhood teenage boy? My best friend’s 4 &6 yr old daughters were both molested recently by their boy cousin 15yrs old). Grandpa was supposed to be watching the kids but thought nothing of letting them play all together in another room. Teenage boys have strong hormones and porn is so readily accessible nowadays (I hope all you moms have put filters on your child’s computers!) that they don’t always think with their brain, the little head takes over..call it mother nature making sure we procreate. You are the only one who can protect your children so don’t let your guard down for one minute. The are too important! -Jamie L

Hi Heather K.,
I moved in from Europe and didn’t know anyone in my area. I tried this new girl, from the School’s babysitter list. I used her a couple of times and all went well. Well…I got a part-time job, that required me to start work at 7am. I needed her for the mornings. She never called back. Under stress, I knocked on my neighbors door upstairs. He saw, the panic in my face. I asked if he could watch my kids. At the time they were 6 and 2 years old. He said, I am the brother of my sister that lives here and I do watch her kids. Her kids are the same age as mind. Remind you, I do know the sister. I met her a few times. That’s why I went up stairs to see, if she could help me.He answered to door, the sister was not at home.

The story is, until this day Mike are my children good buddy. They really admire him and me too. He babysitted my children for two years. I think it;s OK to have a boy babysitter and now my own child who is 13, a boy babysits my friend kids from the school. The extra money is great!

Take Care,
Lisa H.

As the first letter-writer noted, there were a lot of these stories sprinkled throughout the thread:

Just had to throw in my 2 cents . . .

My husband and I have made a blanket decision to never let boys or males watch our kids alone. A good friend of mine was molested by her own brother when left alone. This is a wonderful, loving, church going family who lives their religion on a daily basis and is very involved in their kids daily lives. However, when her brother was 12, he found a porn magazine one day in a trash can when he was away from home. He secretly started seeking after those images online, and eventually his curiosity turned his attention to his younger sister. Amazingly, this boy actually realized how horrific his actions were a short time after he had molested her a few times (he was 12, she was 7), and went to his own father to confess what he had done. All has since worked out, the sister was able to forgive her brother and overcome the affects, and he is now a loving father, but it still happened.

I was also molested as a young girl by my teenage uncle. I have been able to overcome and heal from this, but I still just want to do what I can to protect my daughter. I like what another lady said about teaching your children to be assertive and confident because ultimately my molestation only ended when I told my uncle “no” one time. Shortly after I told my parents and the situation was dealt with.

For me, one of the big reason we won’t hire boys is because to me it doesn’t matter how wonderful of a boy he is, or how carefully his parents are raising him. My friends brother was one of those that everyone would think was a perfect candidate because he really was a very good boy. But when he stumbled upon that magazine, it gave fire to his hormones and things happened that were very regrettable.

Boys definitely can be good friends and entertainers to our children. Both my friends brother and my uncle were fun to have around. My parents liked what they saw with how my uncle interacted with us and therefore felt okay leaving him alone with us on occasion. However, the molestation never happened when my parents were around.

That being said, we are careful with girl babysitters too. More often than not we trade with other mother’s, but that is not always possible. We talk often to our daughter about inappropriate touch and how to protect herself.

I know that not every boy would harm my children, but like another reader said, I would rather be safe than sorry. -Jennifer K

Many of these women were mothers of boys. Again, I was saddened to read this.

When Should Children Receive Allowances?

Posted on March 17, 2009 by Elisa_scoop

Editor’s Note: Fellow MTer “Edgy Mama” over at the Mountain Xpress also wrote an excellent story on this topic and even revealed how she, her husband and kids split chores at home. -Elisa

We have discussed allowances before, but I thought it would be a good time to re-introduce the topic. What better time to teach children about money than during a recession?

Most recently, a mom over at the Mamasource newsletter wondered at what age children should receive allowances and how much money should they be paid for chores.

Here were some of the responses:

Hi Camille,

Our son is 6 and we told him he’s get one dollar per week if he sets the table for dinner and cleans up his toys and feeds his fish. (We always have to double check on the fish). Your daughter can also help you collect the garbage and take the cans out to the street or help in the garden. I wouldn’t expect too much at this age but a few little things make them feel grown up and helpful.

Good luck.

Another letter:

We started young. Our 4 year old gets a dollar week. He has things that he is expected to do, such as make his bed, clear his plate (all meals) and help set the table for dinner. But it’s not really framed as an allowance for chores.

For us, it’s not as much about the tasks as it is about learning about money (he’s going to have to do the tasks if we pay him or not – we actually try not to tie the chores/money connection too tightly.).

We want him to think about his money, and we’re trying to teach him how to save. So, part of his money goes directly to savings. Some of it is for spending, although he hasn’t spent that much. He did save up for one lego toy he really wanted. When we go out of town, he brings some of his money — typically $5 — to buy a souvenir. He really appreciates those more than if I had to buy them. Plus, it gets him to practice interacting with the cashier.

That’s my 2 cents!

Many letters supported the conservative syndicated columnist Dave Ramsey’s tactic to teach children about money. Here is one of those letters:

I have another idea…we are just starting it ourselves. If you’ve heard of Dave Ramsey – “Dave Says”…. He has a little kit called Financial Peace Jr. I think it is a fabulous plan because it’s teaching life skills about money that we all wish we knew before we figured it out!

The kit has three envelopes, one marked SAVE, one marked SPEND and one marked GIVE. It has a Chart – along the side you write down the chores and how much they are worth, then along the top are the days of the week. You can check mark when complete. There is also a small section of negatives – same deal, you write it down and how much it will cost them. At the end of the week, you calculate what they earned and subtract what cost them. Then they put it their envelopes.

The kit also includes a calculater, a clear coin purse so they can see how much money they are saving up, another magnet that you can put a picture of something they want to save for.

Most importantly, he calls it commission – trying to teach a life lesson that you are not getting it if you do not work. Work = pay. Still believes in family chores, but pick certain things so they can understand earning money.

Our daughter is 5 and my fervent wish is to teach her so much about money that she never has money problems and always has wealth and peace.

You can find the kit on www.DaveRamsey.com, it is called Financial Peace Jr and is about $20. Sign up for his emails and occassionally he has cheap or free shipping and his books and items go on a big sale. Also, you could make it yourself, just apply the principals.

He doesn’t want to call it allowance because it evokes entitlement mentality….We are learning Dave right now and just broke out the Commission sheet – we call it commission and chores. Best of luck!

However, a lot of people actually chimed in to say that paying your child for household chores is actually a bad idea. When children become adults, they will have to do those things on their own anyway — which is a good point.

I never got an allowance growing up and neither did my husband. My 10 yr old does chores (makes his bed, helps carry in / put away groceries, puts away clean dishes from dishwasher, takes out trash, and takes trash can out to curb on collection day). No one is ever going to pay you to clean your own toilet. Cleaning it yourself gets you the pleasure of using a clean toilet. (It is it’s own reward.) My husband and I don’t beleive in allowances as all it teaches is how easy money is to spend and teaches nothing about how hard it is to earn. My son gets to keep money gifts from birthdays, holidays and the Tooth Fairy, but he calls it all Pig Food, and he feeds his Piggy Bank. We give him gift cards to the book store, and he can buy what ever books he wants. If he wants more money, he’s going to have earn it by walking the neighbors dog, help cut their lawn, or offer to muck out stalls at the horse barn down the street. The lessson THAT will teach him is hard labor is HARD and he’d better do his best in school unless he wants to earn a living like that all his life.

At the end, the initial inquiring mom sided with the folks who said she should not pay for household chores. (I like that this newsletter includes follow-up from the person who originally sought out advice.)

Thank you for the very helpful responses! I had never considered the pit-falls of associating an allowance with chores! Makes perfect sense that those chores come with the territory of life, not employment. Thanks again! C

Do you give your children allowances? What do they have to do to receive the money and how much do you pay them?