So, my daughter, who will be 3 in August, is going to start at a pre-school-themed day-care 3 days a week.  She starts tomorrow, and I'm anxious, all the way down to my bones.  I've researched and visited and made hundreds of phone calls, trying to find care that is actual "care", when we can't afford $1000 per month (and up, in some places in the Bay).

More below the fold:

Wow...This conjured mixed feelings but I thought that this would be an interesting read. (Long-but well worth it.)

The author seems to be making a case for settling for a man who is "good enough" - while you are young and still actually appealing to men.

I bolded the more "interesting" statements...

Yikes!

(Crossposted at the Quad-City Times)

The baby has been healthy as a horse since she got her ear tubes (knock on wood).

But for months, and I mean MONTHS, she was really sick off and on. Mostly on. And I got sick a few times, too.

Even though my husband and I took turns staying home with her when she was feverish and yucky, I ended up having to take a lot of days off work. In fact, I think I’ve used up all of my sick time and personal days for the year already.

I was really worried about her, but also, I was worried about my job. I didn’t want anyone to think I was using the baby as an excuse to miss work -- because in the past, I didn’t even use ONE sick day all year.

I’m probably crazy, but I was so worried that I even told one of my bosses, "Please remember what it was like before I had the baby, and realize I’ll get back to that point again when she gets a little older and healthier."

She laughed and told me not to worry. She knows I’m a hard worker, she said. That was a relief.

But isn’t it sad that parents with little children feel the need to worry like this at all? If we’re keeping up with our workload, and still doing our best -- even if we aren’t getting the office face time -- we shouldn’t punish ourselves, or get punished by the bosses, right?

That’s not always the case. And for many of us, the worry about getting penalized for our parental status is legit. I read a story today that says motherhood really does count against women trying to get jobs in several states - and shockingly, it’s LEGAL. Check out the story the story by clicking here.

Here’s an excerpt:

"When Kiki Peppard applied for a secretarial job, her prospective employer asked if she was married and had children. After the single mother of two answered, she was told she wouldn’t be hired because she would cost the employer too much in health insurance.

At her next interview, the same questions came up and the Monroe County mom was turned away again because, she was told, "mothers take too many days off."

But the biggest surprise for Peppard, 53, of Effort, was learning this type of questioning is not against the law in Pennsylvania. Employers can and do ask questions about marital and family status and make decisions based on the answers.

Peppard said in more than a dozen job interviews in a row, she was rejected because she was a single mother. She ended up supporting her two children with temporary work supplemented by welfare and food stamps.

"It’s Pennsylvania’s dirty little secret," Peppard said. "I was forced into poverty because of an archaic law."

And Pennsylvania isn’t the only state that allows this. Questions about marital and family status -- and even childcare plans - are allowed in 28 states, according to the story.

The HR people at my job say that line of questioning certainly isn’t legal here in Iowa, and were surprised to hear it was legal anywhere.

What have you experienced? Do you think any form of "parental profiling" should be allowed? Do you think some employers have a point -- that employees with kids really do cost more money and time than maybe they’re worth?

I have a sister who is 2 1/2 years older than me.  When I was born, she thought Mom gave birth to me just for her.  So started the die-cast dynamic between us.  I bonded with her, even tighter than Mom.  She has always led the dance between the two of us.  A typical Alpha personality.  I idolized her for the longest time,
even though everything was on her terms.

I said and thought a lot of things. But probably the most cliché of them all was that young children who “acted up” did so because of bad parenting. I did not realize that temper tantrums, shyness around strangers, and asking 200 questions in five minutes eventually came with that 8-pound bundle of joy.

Now, I can easily tune out even the worst tantrums no matter how close to me. And I think it will be only a matter of time before this mom, recently mentioned in Berkeley Parents Network’s advice column, will arrive at the same conclusion:

A few days ago I was speaking to another Mom who had just returned from a morning of volunteering at her daughter's preschool co-op. In the conversation she frequently labeled kids as 'bullies' or 'bad kids.' The conversation was really disturbing to me because I really didn't like hearing so many negative things about other people's children. And, I really hate kids being given labels at this age (3, 4 &5) that they may never outgrow if they are called it enough. Is there any gentle and polite way to suggest that these kids may need her empathy rather than her criticizing? Or, am I just being naive to assume that most kids at this age are probably going through a 'phase' or have some issues at home that they are processing in a less than positive way?

My world view is generally that most 3, 4 and 5 year olds having a naughty moment (or six months for that matter) are acting out in some way (age appropriate phase) or their behavior is reflecting something that isn't happy at home. I don't look at a three-year-old who has bitten my child and say 'wow...that kid is a bully and some day will end up in Supermax.' I am not saying that I like that my child was bitten, but nor do I think of the biter as a 'bully.' If a four-year-old tells my child that they aren't my child's friend anymore, then I don't think of him as a bad kid or a bully. I think that he is having a frustrating moment.

I guess what I am asking is 1) do you consider it appropriate to discuss other people's children after a playdate or in a volunteering situation. 2) Am I naive to think that most kids termed 'agressive' and 'bullies' before their sixth birthday are actually kids who are just working through a phase of their feelings? 3) If I am not naive, then is there a nice way to tell people who are labeling kids to stop it and be nice?
-just a parent...

Just give this woman time and reality will set in. LOL!

On a more serious note, I would ask this woman something like, “How do you know this child is a bully and not simply acting like a preschooler? It seems rather harsh to label a child that young.” And if she insists that her own child is perfect, like I said, I would let time -- reality -- bite her in the ass.

What say you, MotherTalkers? Thanks for posing this question, camper! -Elisa

When Adam and I decided to start a family I did so knowing that I not only  needed but wanted to keep working. That said I also knew that there was no way, despite knowing myself well enough to know I am not cut out for staying at home full time, that I would not experience guilt at leaving my sweet girl behind to go to work.  So I was prepared for the tears some mornings (my tears, not hers) and for the days where I can't concentrate for thinking about my girl and wondering what she's doing and missing her gummy smile. What I wasn't prepared for was the professional guilt I would feel when being a mommy gets in the way of work.

Campbell is almost 8 months old and today she was diagnosed with an ear ache. Normal, childhood stuff, no worries there.  We've started the antibiotics so hopefully the crying and discomfort on her part will soon subside.  But, as I emailed my office after putting her to bed I was struck by a sense of unease - of guilt - for not going into work tomorrow in order to stay home with Campbell.

I'm struggling with personal problems right now and it's made things much harder for me as a parent.  I'm trying to put the pieces together and understand what has happened and it's a journey I thought I might share, but it's personal and I'm quite honest.  

I also don't doubt that there are many women who have a hard time with motherhood just as there are many women who don't see it as hard at all.  Everyone is okay, I want to say this because this is a very personal entry and it's not meant to make a statement about other mothers, just me as a mother, that's it.

And please, I beg of you, no lectures and no scolding about my labor, my breastfeeding or any other choices.  I'm not soliciting advice.

WARNING! I need to vent...

As many of you know, I'm a single working mother of two kids, ages 13 and 8. I work full-time (40 hours a week), and drive 80 miles roundtrip, everyday. Admittedly, I'm not the most organized person in the world, but overall...I think I do ok. My kids are always neat (bathed, hair brushed, clean clothes, nails clipped, and boogers picked BY ME). I make sure that they have their regular doctor's appointments, dentist appointments, and optometrist appointments.

I live in Los Angeles, and as Missing Persons have made quite clear in their 80's song..."Nobody Walks in L.A", the fear of not having a working car prompts me to keep my car up-to-date.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "I can bring home the bacon...AND fry it up in a pan" Hell, I even have the perogative to pay for someone to fry that bacon for me!

So why am I so irritated? My irritation is geared towards those individuals who use motherhood as a crutch. I'm tired of hearing the excuses.

I get upset at that co-worker/acquaintance/friend who misses work on a regular basis because they "don't have a sitter."  Or constantly gets into work late or leaves work early because their child is sick...AGAIN. Or they had to take the WHOLE day off because their child had a "potty accident" at daycare.

Without a job you can't have a life; especially if you're a single mother. Your child/ren depend on YOU and only YOU. I know that everyone's situation is unique, but I'm a single mother too and I hate when ANYONE gives motherhood a bad name.

IT'S NOT THAT HARD!

Ok...I feel better. But, I feel that I still need to ask...am I being too hard on these mommies?

There is no doubt about it, being a mommy is hard work. It's scary. It's heart wrenching. It's rewarding. It's a lot of things. In fact, I'm kinda pissed that my mom didn't warn me. But whenever I talk to my mother about this, she tells me that there was NO WAY she could have warned me, as she's still learning herself.  

I guess this is the reason I found the article entitled 8 Things No One Tells You About Being a Mom. of interest. Hmmm...let's see what this article points out and compare notes:

1. There is no learning curve.

Rather, if you graphed it, it would just go up and up. By the time you master colic, it's over. All your smug expertise at changing diapers on an upright toddler becomes obsolete when she graduates to big-kid underwear. Net result: You never feel quite on top of things.

For me, this is especially true with two children 4 1/2 years apart and of a different gender, temperament, and eating habits. It can be SO frustrating!

2. You run in circles

For moms accustomed to completing projects and advancing careers, the chronic spin cycle of caretaking can feel frustrating and mind-numbing.

This is SO true. Sometimes, I find myself doing laundry close to midnight and wondering..."Did I eat today??" There never seems to be enough hours in the day.

3. You feel helpless sometimes

You're ready and willing to do anything in the world to make your child safe and happy. But even at the playground and at home, circumstances will unfold beyond your direct control.

This also rang very true to me. When Karina was 7, she was "jumped" by 4 boys during recess at the school's playground. Never before (or since) have I felt such a strong desire to physically hurt a child like I did those 4 boys...AND I also had to come to terms that we can't always protect our children. A fact of life I still struggle with.

4. You don't get instant replays

You will say the wrong thing. You will do the wrong thing. This is true of life in general, of course. But with a child it's especially tough because you're making so many split-second decisions in any given hour -- and the repercussions of those decisions are helping to form a growing psyche!

When I read this one, what came to mind was the time I was so upset with Karina that the punishment I gave her was a tad too severe. It wasn't until I had calmed down, that Cristian (who had witnessed everything) came over to me and said, "I think you were too hard on her." Ugh...that was a tough one.

 I was looking for a subject that I thought would appropriately introduce me to this site.
I was tempted to start in on politics, or environmental concerns for my first diary.  However, something happened to me today that I thought would be perfect to share.
I took my family to our closest dog beach today.  We go every Sunday to treat our wonderful Rottweiler who has been diagnosed with lymphoma.  We always have a great time and so does he.  I usually strap the baby to me in the Baby Bjorn, and my husband and toddler run and play.  We all take turns throwing the frisbee for our dog.
 Today as we were romping around, a couple with two small dogs off leash came walking by.  As they passed us, one of these little dogs came at my toddler nipping and snarling.  My toddler loves dogs, and was confused and scared.  My husband scooped her up and checked for any bite marks.  We were calming her down when, without so much as an apology, the couple promptly put that dog on a leash and walked down the shore away from us.

I expected motherhood to cause some profound changes in me.

For some reason, I thought the simple act of giving birth would transform me somehow into a woman that was deeper, wiser, and more complex than the girl who walked in to the hospital. I expected to radiate some magical "mother" vibe to all who saw me.

Surprise! I am still the same person as before, with the same likes and dislikes, the same stupid insecurities and goofy quirks. The only real change has been my capacity to love; it has literally grown to proportions I can't try to describe.

For the most part, I walk around feeling the same as I ever did, but there are unexpected moments when the fact that I'm a mommy hits me like a ton of bricks. I've had several of those this weekend, so I thought I would share a few and hope you'll add your own...

You know you're a Mommy when...

...your young co-worker is excitedly telling you about her plans to camp out for an iPhone, and your only reaction is, "Do you have sunscreen?"

...your potty-training daughter has a MAJOR accident, and you don't even blink while cleaning a seeming avalanche of poop off the floor, her legs, your shins, and the bathroom counter (how did it get THERE?)

...instead of singing Gwen Stefani songs in the shower, you find yourself humming a tune by the Backyardigans.

How about you ladies? When are you unexpectedly reminded of the fact that you're a mom?

Over the last few weeks DS has decided that he wants to go outside for a walk first thing in the morning. We aren't talking 9 A.M. here; it’s more like 6 A.M. At that hour, I haven't even made the coffee yet. He toddles over to our door and grabs one shoe and then brings it to me. So I say to him, "Oh, I see you want to go outside." He responds excitedly, "Outside, outside!" and then launches into a string of his cute toddler babble. Most mornings I am not really up for seeing my neighbors out walking their dogs this early while I am still dressed in my PJs. But, DS LOVES these morning walks, so I give in.