LGBT Parents: Good for One’s Character?

Does having lesbian moms—or other LGBT parents—affect one’s character? Opinions are mixed, but not just between left and right.

Iowa college student Zach Wahls, in his twice-viral video, famously said, “The sexual orientation of my parents has had zero impact on the content of my character.” And a University of Virginia study last year concluded what many other studies have found: “Regardless of their parents’ sexual orientation, how well children were adjusted was significantly associated with how warmly their parents were oriented to them.“

But Ashley Harness at Velvet Park Media raises the question of whether a gay sexual orientation can actually have an impact—a positive one—on the character of one’s children.


She imagines a homeless transgender youth adopted by a gay couple. Imagine, she writes, if this girl did a YouTube video:

She says she learned from her adoptive gay parents that love is something you spread around in excess. You color with love outside the lines that a heterosexist, racist, transphobic, classist world prescribes. She practices BEING love in the world—and people notice and ask her why.

She says it’s because she has gay parents.

Harness makes an excellent point. I’ve always urged caution when interpreting research results indicating that LGBT parents are “better” in some way. At best, we can say that there are certain areas in which, on average (but not exclusively), we tend to have strengths. But if those strengths help build our children’s characters, to Harness’ point, then we should acknowledge and celebrate that.

Harness also raises the question of whether Wahls’ video would have had the same impact had he been gay. She herself is a lesbian with lesbian moms. She had been an outspoken advocate for LGBT equality, but when she came out, she said, “I promptly stopped talking publicly about being the kid of gay parents. Nobody outright told me, but I wasn’t a politically savvy messenger for the movement anymore. I had become proof of the Religious Right’s propaganda—gayness rubs off. Gay parents make gay children.”

That right-wing view is, of course, utter nonsense. Some LGBT parents will have LGBT children, because statistically, that’s going to happen. No parent can “make” a child into a particular sexual orientation (or gender identity). The best we can do is support them in being themselves.

Harness also says that while she admires Wahls, she hopes our movement embraces a greater diversity of spokespeople, including LGBT children of LGBT parents. Even Wahls seems to feel the same way. In a piece for The Daily Beast this week, he writes that he has stopped answering questions about his own sexual orientation: “If the only question you have after listening to me defend my family is about my sexuality, I’m afraid you’ve missed my point. Whether I’m gay, straight, or bisexual, tall or short, male or female, white or black, successful go-getter or slacker, is entirely immaterial.”

My take on all this? A parent’s sexual orientation does not prescribe a child’s sexual orientation, nor does the parent’s sexual orientation in itself determine the child’s character. But living with honesty and integrity towards oneself and others, in the face of discrimination and adversity from society, takes tremendous strength of character. That’s a lesson LGBT parents can convey to our children that will definitely have a positive impact.

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New Standards for Same-Sex Parents, Attorneys in Custody Disputes

If you’ve been following news about LGBT parents for any length of time, you’ve probably come across at least one, if not several, examples of custody cases in which a biological parent tries to deny custody to a former same-sex partner and non-biological parent, claiming that the latter is not really a parent to the child. The long-running case of Janet Jenkins and Lisa Miller is the most well known example of the type. (In less frequent instances, a legal adoptive parent will try to do the same to the non-adoptive parent.)

To try and stop this practice, Gay and Lesbian Advocates and Defenders (GLAD), the National Center for Lesbian Rights (NCLR), and NCLR’s National Family Law Advisory Council have just published a revised set of standards for attorneys and parents to adhere to in custody disputes.

The standards also offer suggestions for things same-sex couples can do to protect their families, even if they remain together—and regardless of whether they live in a state that recognizes the relationships of same-sex couples. GLAD has also posted online pledges, for both parents and attorneys to sign, affirming that they will adhere to the standards.

I’ve covered this in more detail for Keen News Service; I hope you’ll go have a read.

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Healing Hearts, Changing Hearts

It’s easy to get cynical about politics. I often tout the importance of making personal connections when trying to make change–which for me, is often about LGBT rights. It is rare, however, that I see an example of the importance of such connections as powerful as this story from RH Reality Check, by Jaime Jenett. Jenett writes from her perspective as the nonbiological mother of a critically ill child, and says, “policies designed to prevent same sex families from having legal protections took on a whole new meaning for me” after the birth of her son.

She also describes her neighbors in California, whose “Yes on Prop 8″ sticker hurt her every time she passed by. She wrote them a letter (also posted at her blog)—and got a response, not from the same neighbor, but from another Yes on 8 supporter whom they had met at a camp for children with cardiac disease.


The woman wrote, “After meeting you two and reading your blogs I’m so sorry for my stupidity. I saw the love you and Laura shared with each other and Simon. As a fellow heart mother I know whats it’s like to have a child fighting for their life. Why would I or should I deny you or Simon the same rights as me.”

You should go read the whole response at Jenett’s blog. You might want a box of tissues handy.

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On The Loose

“Mom?“

“Yes?“

“My boob is on the lawn.“

“Seriously?“

“Totally“

Alice is peering out the bedroom window, her expression obscured by a filmy pink curtain. Her tone suggests that she hasn’t yet decided whether to laugh or cry. I walk to the window and peek out like an inverse Peeping Tom.


My husband Jay stands in the center of the yard, his arms crossed over his chest. Beside him, our landlord Jermaine mirrors his posture. They are facing away from us, and Jermaine’s children run in circles around them. All three of our dogs bounce and bound excitedly in a secondary orbit around the children, eliciting shrieks and giggles, which seep in through the glass separating us. The boob in question, a perky bit of pale pink silicone, rests nipple-to-the-sky halfway between the spa and the tool shed. No one seem to have noticed it. Yet.

“Wow“ I say.

“Yeah“ she says.

We stand silent for a moment, transfixed by the lone bra-buddy glistening in the sun.

“We’ve gotta go get it.“

“We?“

“That’s twenty-five bucks just laying in the grass.“

“I am so not going out there.“

“You’d go if it was cash, wouldn’t you?“

“Maybe Mouse’ll do it.“ She brushes back the curtain and implores with pleading eyes, but her mouth is twisted up to one side in a tight little knot, like she’s fighting back a smile.

I go to the doorway and crook my head around the corner into her brother’s room. Mouse is lying on his bed with a sketchpad and charcoal pencils spilled out in front of him. “Hey“ I say, “you wanna go rescue Alice’s falsie from the backyard before the kids and dogs start playing fetch with it?“

“What?“ He comes up off his bed and lopes into the room, looking out over Alice’s shoulder. “Where?“

She points.

He laughs.

She laughs.

Alice is sixteen now, and four months into her transition. At five ten, she’s the same height as her brother, though the recent growth spurt has thinned her to near-wafishness. Her hair has grown past the tips of her ears and is currently a brassy bottle blond in sharp contrast to Mouse’s shaggy blue-black locks and first attempt at scruffy sideburns. They are an oddly beautiful sight, these two with their heads together, noses pressed to the glass, and not for the first time, I am awash with the selfish delight that they are mine.

I join them at the window and watch our collie Chloe roll onto her back in front of the men, begging for a belly-scratch. The greyhounds have wandered off in search of things to pee on or dig up and one of them is getting dangerously close to the hooter-at-large. It is only a matter of time before a game of keep-away breaks out.

The breastforms were serious stuff back in the Spring. Like the makeup and girlie clothes and pointy shoes, they were an important part of the art of artifice. We ordered them from some dodgy website in early March and they arrived at my office in tidy cardboard box with an innocuous return label. Alice was beside herself with glee when I arrived home with the box. However, the excitement crashed into despair once she tore away the cardboard and bubble-wrap and held them up for inspection.

They were all wrong, right from the start. Instead of being a solid oval, they were concave on the underside, designed to enhance curves and cleavage rather than create them from scratch. And far from the advertized “one size fits all“, they were clearly full C-cups, much too much to seem natural on the slight frame of my 105 lb. daughter. After an excruciating evening of trial and error, Alice and I figured out that we could back-fill the faulty faux-breasts with tissue, but the whole process of securing them then in a proper bra with the right amount of cushion and a minimum of wiggle room was a painstaking chore.

When she came prancing out for dinner with the girls tucked into her eco-friendly “Think Green“ baby-doll t-shirt, we all did our best to ignore THEM without ignoring her. Its not like a haircut or a new dress, because as far as I can tell, there is actually no appropriate way to compliment your child or sibling’s newly acquired breasts without feeling or sounding or just plain being creepy.

Days later, when Alice wasn’t home, Mouse blurted out, “Ok, I get it. But do they have to have nipples?“

“Yes honey, I’m afraid they do.“

What followed the arrival of the falsies, were weeks of weeping and thrashing and a mounting mountain of Kleenex, what with all the stuffing and snotting and tears. Alice’s bedroom floor was literally littered with those balled-up bits of tissue for months. And then, at some point, and without explanation, she just kinda gave up on them. I say kinda, because they still made appearances at special occasions or with certain outfits, which apparently begged for bodacious tatas. But by mid-June, they had become more accessory than necessity. We were back, on most days, to the pretty little padded bras that required minimal engineering and no one was more relieved than I.

Back at the window, we are still weighing our options when Jay turns and catches sight of us. We immediately duck behind the curtains and below the sill, then take turns peeking out again. Jay’s face squinches up with curiosity and he continues to stare at the window. Finally, I swipe away the curtain and wave.

“I’ll do it.“ Mouse sighs. At eighteen, he is equal parts angsty introvert and charming court jester, alternately channeling Kurt Cobain and Buster Keaton. Luckily, it’s his Keatonesque self that slips through the sliding glass door from the living room and out into the yard. He plucks his hat from a post on the porch, pops it atop his head and proceeds to dip and skip and twirl his way across the grass. Jay and Jermaine glance at him but continue their conversation. The children stand transfixed as he goes whirling past, now trailed by our three-pack of excitedly barking dogs.

Alice giggles. I cover my face with one hand, peering out from between my fingers just as Mouse pratfalls onto the precise spot where the escaped bosom had been previously abandoned. Immediately, he jumps up, dusts himself off dramatically and resumes his dance. And like he’s some kind of magician in a black felt bowler, we realize that the deed has been done. The shiny bit of silicone has disappeared. The men and children are none the wiser, though one of the dogs, the naughty one, seems to suspect that a great injustice has just been done, and he stands and glares right there on the spot, as Mouse rewinds his way back up to the house. Jay turns towards us once more. This time Alice waves. We hear Mouse closing the slider and turn away from the window.

“Here’s your boob, dude“ he says, tossing it like a Frisbee through the doorway.

She catches it and grins.

Go ahead.

Its ok to laugh.

Boobies are funny sometimes.

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College Basketball Star Talks About His Lesbian Moms

Morehead State University basketball star Kenneth Faried spoke with ESPN.com recently about the influence of his two moms, one of whom is battling lupus. It’s a touching story and well worth your time, even if ESPN isn’t your regular read.

“When they got married,” Faried said, “that showed me what commitment is all about, that there are people out there that can commit, even though for them it really has been the worst of times. I look at them, what they’ve been through and I think, ‘Wow. That’s amazing.’ They’re amazing to me.”


Notable, too, is that ESPN writer Dana O’Neil says Faried never encountered any teasing about his family while he was growing up in New Jersey, and that his moms never had to sit down and discuss issues of acceptance with him. He just accepted, without needing an explanation.

O’Neil writes of his moms: “They loved one another, they love their kids and now they love their nine grandkids. Life is only complicated if you make it that way.”

Homophobia is rampant in professional and collegiate sports, as educators like Pat Griffin have extensively documented. The fear extends to secondary schools as well, as Stuart Biegel and Sheila James Kuehl have shown in their work for UCLA’s Williams Institute.

People like Faried, however (who now lives in Kentucky, not the most gay-friendly of states), may help break down the barriers. Major kudos to ESPN as well, for publishing such a positive article.

Life is only complicated if you make it that way.

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Lesbian Moms Practice “Transformative Diplomacy” in Albania

For many of us, becoming moms means barely having time to get the laundry done, much less help establish a grassroots LGBT organization in a foreign country, assist them in passing a LGBT-inclusive national antidiscrimination law, and set up “a vibrant and active” LGBT community where none existed.

That’s exactly what Mindy R. Michels and Melissa E. Schraibman did, however, and the U.S. State Department has honored them for it. The women are two of this year’s six winners of the Secretary of State Award for Outstanding Volunteerism Overseas.

Schraibman, a U.S. Foreign Service employee, and her partner Michels helped a small group of activists in the Albanian capitol Tirana to establish the Alliance Against LGBT Discrimination (Aleanca Kunder Diskriminimit LGBT). They helped the group draft the legislation that became the non-discrimination law, organized both strategy sessions and social events, and, according to Associates of the American Foreign Service Worldwide (AAFSW), created “a social and activist network that transformed the lives of the people it reached.” Their accomplishments, said, AAFSW, ”showcase what volunteer service can achieve on behalf of transformative diplomacy.”


Creating change seems to be a family affair as well. Michels told me in an e-mail, “We’re moms to our crazy, wonderful, adorable 5-year-old boy, who had as much fun with the Albanian gay revolution as we did . . . and who was absolutely beloved by the Albanian gay activists.”

We should not only congratulate Schraibman and Michels, but also the State Department for recognizing their efforts. Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been one of the strongest LGBT supporters in a senior government role—but it’s good to see her support extends to grassroots efforts like this as well as larger policy changes and diplomatic actions.

(Thanks to Liza of Liza Was Here for the tip.)

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LGBT Youth Helped by Family Acceptance

It may seem obvious to many of us: LGBT youth whose families are accepting of their LGBT identities are more likely to become happy, healthy adults, and less likely to have depression, suicide risk, substance abuse, and similar problems.

But Dr. Caitlin Ryan of the Marian Wright Edelman Institute at San Francisco State University, in a study appearing this month in the peer-reviewed Journal of Child and Adolescent Psychiatric Nursing, notes that most previous research has looked only at the negative aspects of the relationship between LGBT youth and their parents. And most health care providers, social workers, and educators who work with LGBT youth tend to serve them alone and through peer support, not by engaging their families.

Ryan and her team have provided strong evidence, however, that youth experience better outcomes when their families are involved in their lives and when they express acceptance through specific behaviors such as advocating for their children when they are teased about being LGBT.


The Family Acceptance Project (FAP) that Ryan and colleague Rafael Dìaz developed in 2001 aims to apply the results of their research. The FAP has worked with a variety of community organizations, care providers, and advocates to create culturally diverse educational materials, including a downloadable guide for parents, caregivers, and health care providers (in English and Spanish), and a video series showing the paths of an ethnically diverse group of families toward acceptance of their LGBT children. The FAP is also offering free family support services — from general information to crisis assistance — in English, Spanish, and Cantonese throughout the San Francisco Bay Area.

LGBT youth have been much in the news lately because of the ills that may befall them. It is heartening to see someone not just telling them it will get better later in life, but that it can get better now, with their families—and providing tools to help them navigate the journey together.

Below, the first FAP video, “Always My Son.”

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Ladies’ Home Journal Addresses Anti-Gay Bullying

Ladies’ Home Journal, the venerable women’s magazine that launched back in 1883 and has helped define the genre, has published a major article this month on anti-gay bullying, “Gay Teens Bullied to the Point of Suicide.“ The sub-header hints at the broad range of political and religious beliefs held by LHJ readers: “It’s a shocking trend. Isn’t it time for all of us to encourage compassion and respect, no matter how we feel about homosexuality?“

It’s well worth a read, especially because writer Kenneth Miller has geared the piece to appeal even to the more conservative members of his audience. He cites experts from Minnesota, Nebraska, and Ohio, not exactly liberal bastions, as well as Warren Throckmorton, an evangelical professor who has at times advocated for helping people to overcome same-sex desires. Throckmorton is not as extreme or confrontational as many others associated with the far right, however, and in fact has developed for Christian schools an anti-bullying program based on “the Golden Rule Pledge”—treating others as we would have them treat us. An odd choice, perhaps, for those of us used to reading about bullying in more progressive contexts, but one that may carry more weight with LHJ’s audience of varied political persuasions.


Miller also cites clinical social worker Caitlin Ryan, head of the Family Acceptance Project at San Francisco State University, who has shown that the more parents reject their children for being LGBT, the more likely the children will suffer from depression, take drugs, or attempt suicide. Conversely, the more supportive the parents are, the better the kids do. Acceptance, Ryan explains, “doesn’t necessarily mean changing your deeply held beliefs. It means finding a way to balance those beliefs with the love you have for your child.“ (For more on Ryan’s work, see my piece at 365gay.com.)

Miller succeeds here because he is not trying to convince readers that being gay is okay, or not sinful, or just another expression of human sexuality. He doesn’t opine one way or the other—but his very neutrality indicates to me that he is in fact being careful not to raise his audience’s hackles. Instead, he stays focused on the point that children are at risk, and politics and religion aside, we need to act to help them. It’s a great approach for a varied audience like that of LHJ.

I hope you’ll take a moment to sign the petition I’ve created at Change.org. and thank LHJ for publishing the piece. I imagine some readers will take offense at their support for gay youth, no matter what.

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New Hampshire Queer Families Needed to Preserve Marriage Equality

Marriage equality in New Hampshire is under threat from the veto-proof Republican super-majority in the Legislature—a result of the November 2 elections. Keori, who blogs over at Pam’s House Blend, is working with New Hampshire Freedom to Marry and bluehampshire.com on how to meet this challenge.

She noted in an e-mail to me that, “Post-Prop 8 and Post-Question 1 studies showed that mothers with children are the swing voters who make the difference in ballot questions about marriage rights. Who will appeal to them most? Other mothers with children.” She is therefore seeking queer families in New Hampshire, especially lesbian families with children, who might want to help. (For reference, here’s my post on how the Prop 8 campaign neglected the voices of LGBT parents, to its detriment.)

If you live in New Hampshire and are interested in helping as the above groups prepare their strategies, please e-mail keori.phb@gmail.com for further details. They’re planning a statewide meeting on November 28 for activists, bloggers, and stakeholders, and will be discussing messaging, among other things. Even if you can’t make it then (I know, it’s a holiday week and short notice), drop her a note and see how you might be able to contribute at another time.

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A Cross-Gender Halloween Costume and a Mom’s Support

What happens when a five-year-old boy wants to be Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween? What assumptions will people make, what will he himself sense, and how will his mother respond when other parents criticize?

Cop’s Wife over at Nerdy Apple Bottom nails the answer: ”My job as his mother is not to stifle that man that he will be, but to help him along his way. Mine is not to dictate what is ‘normal’ and what is not, but to help him become a good person.”

If you have any interest in gender variance, self-expression, taking no nonsense from bigots, or a mother’s love, go read her full piece. It’s one of the best parenting posts I’ve read lately.

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