Okay, maybe not crap. There’s that whole “freed 50% of the population from the tyranny of forced reproduction” thing. And the whole “shorter periods” and “better skin” thing, too. When I was 19, the pill was a gift from heaven. When I was 29? There’s still me with the whole “lovin’ the oral contraceptive” thing. 35? Still there.
Today? Today the pill sucks. It is the suckiest suck in all of suckdom.
I have, in the 5 years since Molly was born, been on 7 different pills. I think I wrote once about the cancer scare that turned out to be nothing but (to quote the sketchy doc) my “old uterus” which apparently couldn’t tolerate the lovely Seasonale with its associated 4- count ‘em 4- periods a year. Okay, I figured something like this would happen eventually. I momentarily forgot that I was on that pill because of the gut-wrenching cramps and migraines that had arisen with the previous versions of the pill. The next two pills didn’t help with whole 30-day-period which was the crux of the initial complaint. So today I complete my first month (with no unscheduled periods, thank you very much) on the new pill. I took inventory tonight, comparing the relative merits of my experiences and here’s what I’ve come up with:
I’m 10 pounds heavier (in spite of a killer work out schedule and nearly no enjoyable food in my diet anymore)
My head is going to explode
My uterus is trying to crawl through my navel
My skin is worse than it was when I was 14
My hair is falling out by the handfuls
I’m a cranky pants
The only upside? I didn’t spot. Oh- and I had a little blip in my libido (for the good, which was a surprise considering that I’m fat and cranky and pimply and balding). I’m at my wit’s end. DH actually considered a vasectomy but his doc talked him out of if (“What if you get a divorce? What if something happens to your wife? What if one of the kids gets sick and you need a bone marrow donor? What if you change your mind?” Prick. The doc, I mean. Not DH. He’s just a chicken.)
I need an option. I was actually considering Mirena before the whole missing IUD diary, but I’m really not considering that anymore. I need suggestions and, lucky for me, I have rock star insurance that covers this stuff. I don’t want to get knocked up again right now- or ever, maybe- and it won’t be long until it’s not an issue anymore, but I want to leave the door open…
What do you use? Is it worth it? Should I just buy a chastity belt and tell DH to get used to it?