She wasn't Joan Crawford, I just like the title.  I'm referring to my complex and troubled paternal grandmother, who died yesterday.  We weren't close, which was probably for the best, and I was prepared.  So I can't say that I'm grief stricken.  What I am is regretful and sad.  Sad that she had so many difficult times, sad that she was unable or unwilling to take an honest look at herself and make a change, and sad that even when facing death she couldn't let go of her bitterness and anger.

Years ago I was involved with a man who was a guru-phile. He was always looking for God in human form, someone to worship and stand in the presence of. Someone to set up little altars for. I didn't share his psychology; my cynicism is like a mothball around the neck, keeping me guru-free. For awhile my boyfriend glommed onto Sai Baba, a goofy orange-robed guru with a 'fro who performed miracles. His miracles--like making great quantities of ash billow out of an empty urn--didn't seem useful to me. If God were to manifest as a human, surely he wouldn't waste his time performing lame magic tricks. Like, who needs ash?

Later, my boyfriend moved on to Amma, a superstar Indian guru who gives power hugs. People wait in line for hours to get hugged by this roly poly smiling woman who sits on a stage. An Amma camp was set up in the hills outside of Santa Fe, NM. We sat with hundreds of other people who were singing kirtan, a religious tradition of repetitively singing the same line from a Sikh hymn over and over and over again. I figured that it was supposed to be transcendant, but I was restless and bored, a tag-along non-believer who didn't know the words. I went wandering in the woods while the people formed a giant queue to get huggy with Amma. Strangely, I don't remember whether I got a hug. I only remember the white tents, the circular music, and the crowd of weeping or beaming mostly middle-aged white people. She definitely had something they needed. Or thought they needed.

Today I came across an article about Amma at Salon. The author was granted a brief interview with the guru and she explained her work, the heavy work of doling out over 26 million hugs and counting:

"I'm trying to awaken true motherhood in people, in men and women, because that is lacking in today's world. Today there are two types of poverty. The first is a lack of basic necessities. The second is a lack of love and compassion. As far as I am concerned, the second is more important because if there is love and compassion then the first kind can be taken care of."

My brother sent me thisvia email last night, with the question, "Aren't you glad you left Florida?"

I don't even know where to start with this one. I'm only 36 and I'm totally appalled that my first thought is, "Jebus, this country is going to shit!" I sound like my grumpy father. I don't want to be that, and in the worst way. I pride myself on being something of a Pollyanna. Peace, love and understanding.

So, how is this happening? What in God's name were these police officers thinking? How did the teachers let this happen? Is it a race thing, like what happened to 15 year old Shaquanda Cotton in Paris, TX? WTF???