Last week we went on our summer vacation.  It was a whirlwind of visiting inlaws, a trip to the beach and a wedding.  A lovely time was had by all of course, except for one small glitch.  My oldest had his first experience with a bully.

I said and thought a lot of things. But probably the most cliché of them all was that young children who “acted up” did so because of bad parenting. I did not realize that temper tantrums, shyness around strangers, and asking 200 questions in five minutes eventually came with that 8-pound bundle of joy.

Now, I can easily tune out even the worst tantrums no matter how close to me. And I think it will be only a matter of time before this mom, recently mentioned in Berkeley Parents Network’s advice column, will arrive at the same conclusion:

A few days ago I was speaking to another Mom who had just returned from a morning of volunteering at her daughter's preschool co-op. In the conversation she frequently labeled kids as 'bullies' or 'bad kids.' The conversation was really disturbing to me because I really didn't like hearing so many negative things about other people's children. And, I really hate kids being given labels at this age (3, 4 &5) that they may never outgrow if they are called it enough. Is there any gentle and polite way to suggest that these kids may need her empathy rather than her criticizing? Or, am I just being naive to assume that most kids at this age are probably going through a 'phase' or have some issues at home that they are processing in a less than positive way?

My world view is generally that most 3, 4 and 5 year olds having a naughty moment (or six months for that matter) are acting out in some way (age appropriate phase) or their behavior is reflecting something that isn't happy at home. I don't look at a three-year-old who has bitten my child and say 'wow...that kid is a bully and some day will end up in Supermax.' I am not saying that I like that my child was bitten, but nor do I think of the biter as a 'bully.' If a four-year-old tells my child that they aren't my child's friend anymore, then I don't think of him as a bad kid or a bully. I think that he is having a frustrating moment.

I guess what I am asking is 1) do you consider it appropriate to discuss other people's children after a playdate or in a volunteering situation. 2) Am I naive to think that most kids termed 'agressive' and 'bullies' before their sixth birthday are actually kids who are just working through a phase of their feelings? 3) If I am not naive, then is there a nice way to tell people who are labeling kids to stop it and be nice?
-just a parent...

Just give this woman time and reality will set in. LOL!

On a more serious note, I would ask this woman something like, “How do you know this child is a bully and not simply acting like a preschooler? It seems rather harsh to label a child that young.” And if she insists that her own child is perfect, like I said, I would let time -- reality -- bite her in the ass.

I know we've discussed bullies here in the past.  Over the past couple of months our family has been dealing with a preschool bully.  Up until today we've been treating it like any other developmental issue.  We tell our 2 year old how to put his hand up and say, "Stop.  That's not nice.  I don't want to play with you."  We've been completely focused on teaching him how to manage the situation.  I've been telling myself that our son is just more sensitive than the other children.  He needs better coping skills.  But today I had just about had it and went in to talk with the teacher (who is a lovely woman, BTW).

Like most mornings in the past several months, our boy had a violent reaction to going to preschool this morning.  He wakes up each morning informing me that "today is not a school day."  He does pretty well but eats breakfast very slowly.  When I mention putting on his clothes, he loses it.  Once dressed, he gives in and does well until we pull up to the school.  Then he cries and tells me how he doesn't want to go to school.  After I got him calmed down, he told me he's afraid of the bully, as he's done a few times.