God I love the soap opera that is Berkeley Parents Network. Remember that letter I published last week about the husband who had an affair that resulted in a pregnancy? The wronged wife wrote BPN, wondering how they could fit the child into their lives.

Well, the responses have started trickling in...

i believe G. Getty had a secret family. i hope you are VERY wealthy. you found out a few weeks ago? um, this is a lifetime commitment. i am an optimist but this sounds disastrous unless you and hubby and the other mom are the coolest folks on earth. when our relationships are rocked we all seek an explanation. in my humble opinion you are in the denial phase. consider your needs as you work through this.

This is EXACTLY what I thought when I first read her letter! She sounded way too calm, as if she were numb and in denial. Here are more responses:

I admire you, for your selfless perspective, thinking first  about the baby and the families' futures. From your letter, however, it seems that your husband and his mistress are as concerned to keep their relationship as the baby. Be wary of this! But for the baby, what should be decided first is for him or her to live in a single family, preferably with a two-parent family. One of the following needs to be decided: whether you and your husband adopt the baby, or whether the mistress (assuming she's single) gives the baby up for adoption to another family. If you adopt the baby, it is the birth mother that will be driving the long distances for occasional visits. Either way your husband will need legal recognition as father. You have already decided that you and your husband should not divorce - presumably because there are other children that should not live without a two parent family. You have already done the right thing for your children, and hopefully your emtional strength will help your husband's child as well!

I completely agree with this writer:

I'm sorry to hear about your story. I also realize you are asking for advice on how to make this work. I kept on thinking and realized there's no way for this to work and let me tell you why: your husband has a pattern of cheating and there is a pattern of you forgiving him. You even say you are not too caught up in the affair right now. He's going to therapy bc. he's scared of what's ahead. But my gut feeling is that once he gets out of his shock he will go back to his old ways. The woman is in another city; he had an affair with her two years ago and again a few weeks ago. How do you know he won't cheat on you again when he goes there in the future? Why have 'they' decided to keep the child without asking you, the wife and mother of his current child? If the woman is pregnant that means he didn't use protection: he didn't mind putting you at risk of getting a disease, he didn't mind that by putting you, and himself, at risk, your child might end up with sick parents...or no parents at all. How are you going to explain to your child what happened and how are you going to explain you condoning that? We judge people by their actions, not their words. And, up to now, his actions tell you he's very likely to cheat on you again and maybe get someone else pregnant. What will you do then? I honestly do not judge you bc. I believe that for you to put up with something like and allow him to do that to your child it must be bc. you are scared to be on your own. I'm hoping it's not that he makes a lot of money and you don't want to lose your current position. I am divorced myself and it's scary but it's very possible and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If he's willing to be responsible, then he will support your child after you divorce him; if not, then he will not be responsible while you are married to him either. I worry bc. this is not a new thing: he consistently cheated in the past: it's not shock that's making you forgive him. Have you considered doing some therapy? Do you have family, friends in the area? I feel really bad for you but a million times worse for your child. Pls, sit down calmly and with as much hope as you can think of and think of yourself, but MAINLY, of your child: you have to; he's obviously not thinking of either of you. I trully wish you good luck and the strenght to do what's right for your child and yourself.
It takes strenght

I grew up with a lot of machismo and saw many wronged wives suffering in silence. This husband put his wife at risk and has clearly shown what he thinks of her. Where is this woman's pride? Grow some cojones and move on, mujer!

Like I said, Berkeley Parents Network is back -- as are all the juicy letters. Most recently, someone wondered if she should tell her friend about her husband’s affair. The reponses were just as illicit:

It seems to me it depends on your relationship with your friend. If it is a relationship with a close friend that is intimate, in which you share details about your spouses, etc, then I don't see how you can not tell. Otherwise you are being insincere every time you talk with her (and when she finds out, because she ultimately will, then you betrayed her trust by not saying anything and perpetuating the betrayal). If it is an acquaintance/friend whom you are not especially intimate with, then I would not be the one to break this intimate news. I might, though, talk with someone who is closest to her about how best to let her know.

Sounds like many people know what her husband is doing, so its not a matter of ''if'' she finds out, but rather ''when'' and ''how'' she finds out. It would be great if the information could come to her in the most compassionate and supportive way possible.

Hate to be in your shoes

Another perspective:

I would say that it is better to remain silent. It is true that your friend might be very hurt if she were to find out and then realize that you knew all along. It might break your friendship. At the same time, you don't want to be the one standing in the middle of your friend's marriage crisis. Speaking from experience, I would add that your friend might not be oblivious. She may simply prefer to appear oblivious to her friends, in which case you would hurt her by exposing something that she wants to keep quiet. Because people in unhappy relationships sometimes end up blaming outsiders for their unhappiness, she could even question your motives for being honest with her. On the whole, the best thing would be to stand by her if and when she asks for your help.

unfaithful once

I would feel totally betrayed if my friends didn’t tell me. So “unfaithful once’s” response pissed me off. Still, here is another -- and better -- response IMHO:

Perhaps the solution to your dilema would be to tell the husband that you know, and wait to see his reaction. I would imagine that he does not think that anyone knows, but if he realizes that at least one other person knows, then it will only be a matter of time until others, his wife???, find out as well. The issue of infidelity is a very powerful one in relationships, and depending on the couple they may or may not be able to survive the issue. If you tell your friend, although you are doing so to help her it will , or could, cause her tremendous pain. Hopefully telling the husband will make him choose, and perhaps decide to save his marriage, or decide to at least be honest and to disolve their partnership.

Good luck you are in a difficult position.

Been there

Of course, there were dozens of responses to this emotionally charged issue. Thankfully, I have never been in this situation. If I were friends only with the wife, then I would probably tell her. (As much as it would hurt, I would want to know!) If DH and I were friends with both partners then one of us -- probably him -- would talk with the husband. How would you deal with this issue? I sure don’t envy that woman...  

Attention literary mamas: MTer KarenM forwarded me her writers group’s website because it is selling two anthologies to benefit breast healthcare. The anthologies, Wednesday Writers and Something That Matters, “are mostly first-person essays that center on life through the lens of motherhood and/or being female and also on life's challenges, and rewards as we navigate our individual journeys,” Karen wrote.

Sounds good. The books can be purchased at the Wednesday Writers’ website or Amazon. Thank you, Karen!

How are you all?