Yet another stay-at-home mom asked Berkeley Parents Network that million dollar question: Where is the part-time work?

While I expected everyone to unilaterally respond with a "join the club" shrug -- and one fellow SAHM did -- there were some great and helpful suggestions:

Yes! Nursing has worked great for me. I have a LVN licence and work 20 hours per week. If you have any interest in health care it is a great way to go. And in high demand.
Mary

Have you thought about substitute teaching? I know many people are scared to do it because of their own childhood memories involving abusing subs. I did it for 3 years, and I found it to be the easiest, most flexible, and least stressful job I've ever done. You only take jobs when you feel like it, and since it's now all done through an automated phone system, you don't even need to talk to a person when you select jobs. You only accept the jobs you want on the days you want. If you market yourself successfully, you become the regular sub for some sweet and easy classrooms. Give it a try - You don't even need to ''quit'' if you don't like it, you simply stop accepting jobs.
anon

I have worked in Human Resources and recruiting for years. I would apply for any jobs that seem interesting to you, even if they are advertised as full time. If they are impressed with you, they might hire you for hours that suit you., or might allow you to work part time from home. Another thought...Craigs list has part time listings, contractual listings, occasional listings etc. which might help you ease back into work slowly. There are lots of firms that hire people for market research work and you usually have a choice of dates and times in which to work. Don't limit yourself....go for what looks good even if if seems that part time might not be an option. Companies will flex for the right candidate...
Recruitment specialist

One dad of teenagers reminded the mother that she already has a "real job;" that perhaps she was looking for other opportunities on top of her current position.

So, my advice (you asked), think about what you want to do for ''other'' work in addition to the ''job'' you already have. Acknowledge that a ''real job'' provides satisfaction in other ways: intellectual challenge, camaraderie, monetary gain... and so does your current job as a mom. Then, attempt to integrate all this into your life. Start your own business, seek job sharing in a progressive company....
~ former corporate geek enjoying life as a carpenter

What other advice would give this mother looking for part-time work options?

but i am horrified too.  or maybe just sad.  or something in between.  

i used to be so proud of the job i did with that elusive "work/life balance".  i started out as a single mom, first to sam, and then we added his sister maya.  when they were babies, my mom helped with childcare.  i had students (college age) cover for me when i needed to teach after sam got off the bus.  i never worked more than three days/week outside the home, and got all of my work done at night after they'd gone to bed... being a night owl is handy that way.  i was good at my job and good at being a mom.  neither defined me, but both shaped who i was.  

well, in the last two years, we've expanded our family to add three more people... my husband bill, charlie(2) and abby (9mos).  i worked through both pregnancies as an assistant professor, but it became very clear after abby arrived that the "balance" had tipped.. our sweet little tipping point, we joked.

Newsweek recently profiled the creative home business of a mom in Houston. Lori Pope, mom to 15-month-old twins, rents out toys for kids as old as five years old ala Netflix.

Before you have the same initial reaction I had, which was "eww" to drooled-on, used toys, she sterilizes and shrink-wraps all toys before mailing them out.

Lori Pope pulled some $250,000 out of the oilfield supply business she already owns to launch the Web start-up last fall. With a warehouse of 6,000 toys, BabyPlays.com offers various membership plans that allow parents to rent toys as long as they want, and then send them back for different toys. At $37 a month, the cheapest plan allows families to keep four toys at a time. The most expensive plan is $65 a month for 10 toys.

Pope shops for playthings she thinks are safe, stimulating and sturdy.

Even if she did not have the oilfield business, I would think her idea would not require that much in start-up costs. Lord knows she could have my kids' toys, which are enough to fill an aisle at the toy store! Like the mom who invented the restaurant high chair cover, this story made me think, "Why didn't I think of that?!" Good for her.

My mother used to volunteer a lot at my K-8 Catholic School, allowing us to study for free. When I was in elementary school, I loved seeing my mom on school grounds and would go up to her, even as she shooed me back in line. But by 6th or 7th grade, my eye-rolling teenaged self thought, can mom please get a job somewhere else? LOL!

While most mothers were very active at the school, I do not know how work-outside-the-home mothers and fathers felt about it. I was intrigued by this letter on Berkeley Parents Network and wondered if any of you share this concern:

I am just curious about other parent's reactions to the level of parent involvement in the public school classrooms. My child's teacher allows parents to come in to the classroom on a daily basis for hours a day. It is about half of the mothers, which gives it an overall look of a coop, and yet it is not. It is a traditional public school. Parents who don't work spend the day in the kids' classroom, passing out pencils and books. I have to say, I am a bit put off by it. I feel like there is a real potential for favoritism and unequal treatment between the children of working moms and stay-at-home-moms. I don't feel comfortable discussing it with the teacher or principal because I feel my child could be put at risk of being excluded. I do appreciate the support and good work of the parents who volunteer, but can't shake my discomfort as I feel that the parents are not respecting the kids' boundaries. When I was a kid, parents did not spend time in the classroom. Bake sales and PTA -- yes, classroom -- no. Also, a practice in teaching was that a teacher's child was often put in a different school or class so that the kid wouldn't misbehave and would have room to grow. With that reasoning, are the volunteers disrupting the balance of power in the classrooms? Would love some feedback.
Anon

I have been eagerly awaiting responses for over a week now, but I have not seen any. Perhaps most parents -- working or not -- simply do not share this concern.

I do know that parental involvement has often been cited as a factor in student achievement; that parents who donate time and/or money really enrich the experience for all students.

But I have at least one friend who teaches in the Berkeley public school system who has complained about overzealous and competitive parents constantly questioning everything she does and stepping on her toes. And while I did see some classrooms filled with volunteering mothers -- no fathers -- I did not think this was the norm and in fact, the school principals would brag about parental involvement since this really is a good thing.

I myself tend to volunteer outside the classroom -- I think this is my strength --  but moms in the classroom do not bother me unless they disrupt the class. Ari’s teacher actually politely pushes parents out the door at 8:45 a.m. since lingering parents tend to freak out kids this age. If one child starts crying, they all start crying.

I am curious as to what your take is on mothers in the classroom. Do you think this letter writer was a tad sensitive? Did she have a point? How do you help out your own children’s schools?

I originally spotted this piece at MomsRising.org. Thanks to father Dana Glazer for the tip!

MSN contributor Eve Tahmincioglu wrote how it is more difficult for stay-at-home dads than stay-at-home moms to re-enter the workforce due to cultural biases against fathers who abandon the traditional “hunting” role to care for their children. Tahmincioglu previously touched on the subject when she recently doled out advice to SAHMs on how to explain a resume gap. Instead, she received these e-mails from stay-at-home dads:

Victor Gonzalez of Marietta, Georgia, wrote:

"I'm 41 and had been an at-home-dad for the last 8 years. When we got married both of us had very successful careers. When our daughter came along in 1999 we decided that the best for her and our family was for me to stay at home with her.

"Now that my daughter is more independent I am looking to go back to work, first on a part-time basis. Well, forget it. There is no way that anyone understands that a man can take time off his professional career to take care of the little ones.

"While indeed it's extremely tough for women to get back to work after a long time away, it gets even tougher for a man to do the same. Society has unwritten rules for dads that decide that their family is more important than corporate America."

It does, agrees Scott Haltzman, MD Clinical Assistant Professor, Brown University Department of Psychiatry and Human Behavior.

"How does the workplace view a man that takes time off of his career to raise children? They tend to look at him as not having the kind of drive or seriousness of purpose that they would want in leadership positions," he says about what he sees as a pervasive stereotype.

Here is one last letter from Berkeley Parents Network this week: “What is fair 'baby duty' for husband of SAHM?”

I am a new stay at home mom and am struggling to figure out what is fair ''baby duty'' (sorry to make it sound so bad) for my husband, who works so hard at his job. As our new baby's sleeping schedule develops my husband is less and less available for her. He used to give her a bottle every morning but since she's started sleeping through the night, she wakes up earlier, and I have been feeding her so as to not disturb him (he goes to bed late). And at night, she has her last feeding before he even gets home from work! He misses spending time with her and I feel like I have 100% of the ''baby duty.'' Not to mention the fact that he's missing quality bonding time with her, which he himself has acknowledged. Is is fair to ask him to get up earlier or come home earlier? I'm also wondering how to handle weekends. We both want a break on the weekends--I from the baby routine and he from work. Part of me thinks he should spend a lot of time with her on the weekends, but it's hard to make that request since I know he's working so hard to support us all. I do fear though that I'll become the expert parent, enforcing schedules and routines and he'll become the playmate. It seems so patriarchal! I guess I just don't know what a good balance is for a SAHM and a working father. Any advice?
Anon

Boy, can I relate. This is something my husband and I contended with Ari, when we were new parents and he was establishing his career. Even though he is busy and goes to bed late, he is more of a hands-on parent with Eli -- which leads me to a question for this woman. I would ask where is the husband in his career?

If he is establishing himself with the potential to secure their futures, then I would bite the bullet -- although I would ask him to set aside at least a couple hours a week to spend with the baby and give time off to the wife. Also, I would ask for at least a housecleaner, or a part-time babysitter, to receive some time off as everyone, including SAHMs, need time to themselves! If he is earning enough to keep them home in the Bay Area, surely he can make this investment.

Thankfully for us, the gamble paid off, and I could see how it would have destroyed us otherwise for the reasons this woman cited. I was exhausted and resented the fact I received little help with our son.

But now my husband washes dishes, helps with laundry, and is constantly holding our daughter to give me reprieve. This is definitely a conversation I would have with the husband and not lash out at him when he doesn’t help. Just my two cents.

For you SAHMs, what do you think?

In somewhat related news, Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee signed a statement by the 1998 Southern Baptist Convention that included this disturbing nugget: “A wife is to submit herself graciously to the servant leadership of her husband even as the church willingly submits to the headship of Christ.” Thanks to a Daily Kos diarist for the tip!

A week ago, I wrote about a stay-at-home mother whose husband left her with three children under the age of four. She wrote to Berkeley Parents Network.

We all agreed the father is an immature asshole. And for the most part, she received sympathy and well wishes from BPN readers, too. Most readers recommended she move to live near family and friends, which many moms on MotherTalkers did, too. Most readers recommended she go after her husband for alimony and child support and thought she had a good case since they had been married 15 years and he is the one who left the marriage.

Almost all the moms told her to take time to mourn and then find a job and childcare for the girls. Some moms offered their e-mail addresses and help in the way of playdates and dinner casseroles, which makes me proud to live in Berkeley. Then there was this letter, which felt like a sucker punch. Talk about tough love:

MSNBC.com recently doled out advice on how to explain a gap in work experience when one takes time to raise children, for example.

The columnist, Eve Tahmincioglu, even went so far as to suggest not writing any dates on the resume, which would raise more flags in my mind. Then again, I am not an HR person:

It’s a good idea not to put any dates on your résumé. Ken Siegel, president of The Impact Group, a Los Angeles-based group of corporate psychologists, says dates only work against you. “If there are no dates, then there are no gaps to explain,” he says.

Interesting. I am curious to hear from you employers if this is effective. Personally, I would want to know the length of time someone spent at a company.

The column specifically addressed the concerns of parents re-entering the workforce:

I shuddered at this mother's recent letter to Berkeley Parents Network:

Calling all single parents!!
-------------------------------------------
Husband of 15 years has decided to ''move on'' (translation: he wants to explore other women...not that he hasn't been already, it's just that I only recently discovered it).

So, here I am, a single mother to 3 baby girls under the age of 4. My family does not yet know any of this and my friends who do know have been supportive, but my friends with kids all have teenagers and have memories like how theirs were potty trained at 6 months and having complete dialogue with adults at 18 months...sigh.

I left a great career to stay home with the babies and thought that was a great idea until this bombshell. Now I find myself needing to look for a job after having been out of the corporate sector for 3+ years along with caring for and nurturing my girls.

On the good days, the dishes might actually get done. On a great day, the laundry gets folded too!! There are some really not so great days though and it is all I can do to not fall apart in front of them. I just started looking for a preschool of sorts for my oldest one, as I feel like she is being short-changed being here with me and her little sisters.

I guess I am just wondering if there are any other single parents who actually made it through raising babies so young and so close in age with NO help (recently moved here so friends and family are too far away). Having to PT 2 of them at the same time is no joke! Oldest has backslid and 23 month is just starting to take an interest.

PLEASE share your survival tips. I just want the best for them and try so hard to not show any of the hurt I am feeling, but most days I wonder if I am doing a good job just holding it together. Pen pals welcomed (for advice and e-friendship)!!
-Just trying to do my best...

Three children under 4? Ugh.

At minimum, I hope her husband, who was able to support them, has the decency to pay child support. If he could afford to keep her home and have three children, hopefully this means he can hire her some help. What a crappy situation. I especially feel for those girls who have only their tired mother to lean on.  

Is being a SAHM that hard?  Lindsey Ferrier asked that question on her blog Suburban Turmoil earlier this month (via Susan Wagner at ParentDish):

This I believe: Being a stay-at-home mom, even with four kids and no help with cooking or cleaning, is not that hard, certainly not as hard as many bellyaching moms in magazines and on TV and the Internet (no, I'm not talking about anyone specifically!) would have us believe.

And she got tons of comments about it.  In her response to the many commenters who strongly disagreed with her, Ferrier wrote the following:

I'm a little disappointed that being a SAHM is coming across in the comments as this miserable, lonely job. I disagree that SAHMs are more isolated now than ever before. I think that was true ten years ago, but the attention and resources that are being devoted to moms now, not to mention the Internet, are doing a lot to change that...

She also writes that looking on the bright side, basically makes things a lot easier:

I believe there's a very real danger in focusing too much on the negative aspects of your life. When I started this blog anonymously two years ago, I used it as sort of a confessional. I vented all my feelings about being a stepmom and a new mom, thinking it would make me feel better. And I was so wrong. Writing all those feelings out made them more real somehow. I felt worse after I wrote those posts...

So I really advocate doing what you need to do to stay positive, even if it's as simple as writing down ten things you're grateful for every day.

Perhaps just being a parent is hard, no matter what combination of working/being at home you are balancing.  I do believe that my SAHM gig right now is harder than when I worked full-time in an office.  But I'm not sure that's because I'm a SAHM now, or just a mom.

Or do SAHMs have to convince the world that it is a hard job just to battle the old 'sitting-on-the-couch-all-day-eating-bonbons' image?

So MTers, what do you think?  Is being a SAHM that hard?