God I love the soap opera that is Berkeley Parents Network. Remember that letter I published last week about the husband who had an affair that resulted in a pregnancy? The wronged wife wrote BPN, wondering how they could fit the child into their lives.

Well, the responses have started trickling in...

i believe G. Getty had a secret family. i hope you are VERY wealthy. you found out a few weeks ago? um, this is a lifetime commitment. i am an optimist but this sounds disastrous unless you and hubby and the other mom are the coolest folks on earth. when our relationships are rocked we all seek an explanation. in my humble opinion you are in the denial phase. consider your needs as you work through this.

This is EXACTLY what I thought when I first read her letter! She sounded way too calm, as if she were numb and in denial. Here are more responses:

I admire you, for your selfless perspective, thinking first  about the baby and the families' futures. From your letter, however, it seems that your husband and his mistress are as concerned to keep their relationship as the baby. Be wary of this! But for the baby, what should be decided first is for him or her to live in a single family, preferably with a two-parent family. One of the following needs to be decided: whether you and your husband adopt the baby, or whether the mistress (assuming she's single) gives the baby up for adoption to another family. If you adopt the baby, it is the birth mother that will be driving the long distances for occasional visits. Either way your husband will need legal recognition as father. You have already decided that you and your husband should not divorce - presumably because there are other children that should not live without a two parent family. You have already done the right thing for your children, and hopefully your emtional strength will help your husband's child as well!

I completely agree with this writer:

I'm sorry to hear about your story. I also realize you are asking for advice on how to make this work. I kept on thinking and realized there's no way for this to work and let me tell you why: your husband has a pattern of cheating and there is a pattern of you forgiving him. You even say you are not too caught up in the affair right now. He's going to therapy bc. he's scared of what's ahead. But my gut feeling is that once he gets out of his shock he will go back to his old ways. The woman is in another city; he had an affair with her two years ago and again a few weeks ago. How do you know he won't cheat on you again when he goes there in the future? Why have 'they' decided to keep the child without asking you, the wife and mother of his current child? If the woman is pregnant that means he didn't use protection: he didn't mind putting you at risk of getting a disease, he didn't mind that by putting you, and himself, at risk, your child might end up with sick parents...or no parents at all. How are you going to explain to your child what happened and how are you going to explain you condoning that? We judge people by their actions, not their words. And, up to now, his actions tell you he's very likely to cheat on you again and maybe get someone else pregnant. What will you do then? I honestly do not judge you bc. I believe that for you to put up with something like and allow him to do that to your child it must be bc. you are scared to be on your own. I'm hoping it's not that he makes a lot of money and you don't want to lose your current position. I am divorced myself and it's scary but it's very possible and there's a light at the end of the tunnel. If he's willing to be responsible, then he will support your child after you divorce him; if not, then he will not be responsible while you are married to him either. I worry bc. this is not a new thing: he consistently cheated in the past: it's not shock that's making you forgive him. Have you considered doing some therapy? Do you have family, friends in the area? I feel really bad for you but a million times worse for your child. Pls, sit down calmly and with as much hope as you can think of and think of yourself, but MAINLY, of your child: you have to; he's obviously not thinking of either of you. I trully wish you good luck and the strenght to do what's right for your child and yourself.
It takes strenght

I grew up with a lot of machismo and saw many wronged wives suffering in silence. This husband put his wife at risk and has clearly shown what he thinks of her. Where is this woman's pride? Grow some cojones and move on, mujer!

Before experiencing the joy that is pregnancy, I heard stories of weird cravings. Ice cream and pickles, anyone? When I was pregnant with Karina, the cravings were very real. Initially, it was crushed ice, then it was frozen snickers bars, and it finally culminated to hot dogs...and no, it couldn't be just any hot dog, it had to be from Pink's, and it had to have chili and bacon. AND I had to have it when I craved it; if that meant getting into my car at 2am...so be it. Sure, I craved the standard pickles too, but I never mixed them with ice cream.

When I was pregnant with Cristian, the cravings were different, but still there. With Cristian, I craved Mexican chile sauce and it had to be HOT. I could eat spoonfulls of it. Straight. Yup...I'm that Mexican.

I also had food aversions. Before having my kids I LOVED In-N-Out Burgers; and yet, when I was pregnant with each of my children I couldn't even smell them! Another aversion was eggs...and oddly enough, both my children LOVE In-N-Out burgers AND eggs. So, do these cravings and aversions mean anything?

Some people say that craving ice means that you're low on iron. Some alternative medicine practitioners believe that a shortage of vitamin B can trigger a craving for chocolate. But if people craved what the body needed, wouldn't we all be eating more fruits and vegetables, instead of...say, cement or dirt?

So my question is, did you have any interesting cravings during your pregnancies? What were the theories you heard associated with your cravings? Did you indulge your cravings? Please share!

I figured there is such a plethora of pregnant and recently pregnant women on the board right now that perhaps we could share our best tips and tricks for getting through some fo the less "pleasant" aspects of pregnancy.

Of course I am selfishly motivated because I am giving birth to our second (last?) child in June. But hopefully other Moms and Moms to be can benefit from the collected wisdom here.

My personal pregnancy bugaboos? How the hell do you get a good night's sleep? Swollen ankles! How to avoid an episiotomy! What if your OB starts talking C-sections in your 7th month?! Warning signs of preeclampsia?

To the man in the market today, and all others like him:  Just because I, or any woman, is visibly pregnant, we are not public property.  The rules of decorum, courtesy, and decency still apply.  My bulging belly does not give you license to stop minding your own damn business.  Touching women without permission is not okay, nor is commenting on their body size, shape, or type.  Nor does my gestating state give you liberty to comment on what I am or am not putting into my body at any given time.

It’s a win/win for pregnant ladies, potentially. A Yale University study has found that eating a regular amount of dark chocolate may reduce the risk of preeclampsia, a condition afflicting pregnant women that causes wild spikes of high blood pressure. Elizabeth Triche of the Yale Center for Perinatal, Pediatric and Environmental Epidemiology  headed the study, which found the following, as summed up in this Reuters article:

To investigate whether chocolate's possible cardiovascular benefits also might help prevent preeclampsia, the researchers looked at 2,291 women who delivered a single infant, and asked them about how much chocolate they consumed in their first and third trimesters. The researchers also tested levels of theobromine in infants' umbilical cord blood.

Women who consumed the most chocolate and those whose infants had the highest concentration of theobromine in their cord blood were the least likely to develop preeclampsia. Women in the highest quarter for cord blood theobromine were 69 percent less likely to develop the complication than those in the lowest quarter.

Women who ate five or more servings of chocolate each week in their third trimester of pregnancy were 40 percent less likely to develop preeclampsia than those who ate chocolate less than once a week.

I must note that in other coverage, the numbers of participants is different- this article says there were only 1,681 participants. Of course, I’m counting on our science MTs (Aussieyank? Lyn?) to pipe up with their professional interpretation, however if there are plans for a multi-year, multi-continent study to further analyse this finding, I’ll put my hand up. I’m doing it for the sisterhood, of course. Just pass me the chocolate.

How about it, MTs? Can we pay attention to this week’s study because we like the findings?

Remember those myths about how to prevent pregnancy that made the rounds in high school? And how some of our friends found out the hard way that pulling out or having sex in a pool would NOT stop those pesky little sperm from swimming?

Well, the myths are back...but they're new and even MORE stupid! Case in point: Florida, where most schools teach an abstinence only curriculum-- if they bother to offer any sex education at all. The result is the sixth highest teen pregnancy rate in the nation, and myths like these:

Some Florida teens believe drinking Mountain Dew or smoking marijuana will prevent pregnancy and that swallowing a capful of bleach will prevent HIV/AIDS. One reason those dangerous myths have spread is the state's reliance on abstinence-only sex education, say advocates of a bill to require a more comprehensive approach in Florida's schools.

The measure narrowly won approval from a Senate committee Tuesday. Under the proposed legislation, schools would still be required to teach abstinence as the only sure way to prevent unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseasese, but they would have to teach more about sex. It would require, for example, teaching about condoms and other methods of birth control and disease prevention.

Teaching about condoms and other methods of birth control? How radical. But it seems the bill has a miniscule chance of becoming law, as it has to clear several committees with less than 30 days left in the legislative session.

Opponents of the bill, including pro-life activists, claim the bill will result in MORE teen pregnancies. Because accurate information about how to practice safe sex? NATURALLY results in more pregnancy and disease! Right?  Hmmm. Guess I just don't follow their logic.

One of the many reasons I'm glad to live in California: it was one of just three states in the nation to refuse federal funding tied to abstinence-only education. But instruction still varies wildly from district to district, and I will make sure that my daughter has access to information that is accurate and comprehensive. I don't ever want her to consider Mountain Dew and bleach as birth control options.

What's the status of sex ed in your neck of the woods?

When I got pregnant, my only close friend who had already been through pregnancy and birth was Elisa. She gave me a trove of books, including "What to Expect When You're Expecting," which has been the ubiquitous pregnancy book for more than two decades.

With almost 15 million copies in print, I figured this would be my go-to guide. But soon after cracking it open, I decided I hated the book. I found it alarmist and tone-deaf; far from reassuring me, it made me worry about ridiculous things. And their dietary recommendations? Are you freaking kidding me?

This article explored the book's genesis and evolution, including some of the complaints:

Despite the huge success, mothers like to debate the book's advice on message boards, and mock titles have emerged such as "What to Freak Out About When You're Expecting." On urbanbaby.com one can still find references to the book's warnings, toned down in later editions, that common fetal hiccups could signal a severe umbilical cord problem and that oral sex on a woman could in rare cases cause a fatal embolism.

Turns out author Heidi Murkoff has heeded the criticism and revamped the book, inside and out. Check the new cover: gone is the mousy woman in the rocking chair. She's been replaced by a hip mama decked out in designer jeans, high-heeled boots and a form-fitting blouse:

This new edition, largely rewritten, is a chance to present a version that's "more reassuring, more positive, more empathetic than ever," its author says.

But the revamping raises a larger question: Can this iconic tome ever be as relevant as it once was? Can any book? When "What to Expect" was launched in 1984, it was the only thing of its kind out there — a guide written not by doctors but by women, for women.

Now there are lots of others. But there's also the big wide Web world out there, and it's not just all those sites offering medical information. This is the age of the message board, where a woman who has a strange ache or pain at 3 a.m. can fire off a cyber-question: "Late-night cramps at 5 months pg, dh asleep, what do i do?" Answers come within moments.

"It's this whole new community," says Susan Kane, editor in chief of Parenting magazine. "Women are starting to trust one another and not listen to the experts so much."

Murkoff has adjusted to this new reality as well, launching WhatToExpect.com three years ago. Apparently it's wildly popular, with 1.7 million page views per month, second only to BabyCenter.

What do you all think? Did you love or hate "What to Expect"? Would you give the revised version a second chance? Do you appreciate the hip new cover mom? And would you still turn to old-fashioned pregnancy books in this age of instant feedback on the Internet?

Great post, Tessa! I, too, wondered the same thing as Ari brought home a batch of HOMEMADE Valentine's Day cards. The school asked us to bring some in, so I BOUGHT mine at Target. I then wrote in Ari's name on all of them, although I noticed that some kids in his class could write their names, which made me feel doubly guilty. Sigh. -Elisa

My DD, who is not yet 3, came home from day care today with a bag full of Valentines.  Eight mothers, bless their souls, spent an admittedly short amount of time writing out Valentines Day cards to their kid's classmates WHO CAN'T EVEN READ.  One mother went seriously overboard and gave each toddler a little Chinese carton full of chocolate, with a little computer printed card with DD's name on it, and her son's.  I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and think she knew I would be eating the chocolate.  Jane's mother, a very nice woman, made homemade cards that she had her daughter scribble all over.  Very sweet.

A few days ago, Karina called me at work and said she needed to speak with me. She was very upset and said that she had just found out that one of her friends is pregnant. She's 13.

Karina approached her when she noticed her crying and asked if she was ok. That's when her friend told her the news. Her friend asked for advice on what she should do. Karina told me that all she could think of was to say, over and over, "Talk to your mother." Karina said, "I don't understand how she hasn't gone to her mother with this!" I told Karina that we would continue the conversation when I got home from work. But my mind began to race the moment I hung up the phone. What was I going to say?

About a month ago, I took my daughter and niece to the movies to watch JUNO. In case you haven't heard, Juno is a movie about teenage pregnancy:

Juno (Ellen Page) is a Mid-Western highschooler, who decides one day, out of boredom or curiosity, to have sex with her friend Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera), a member of her school's track team. She likes him well enough, but isn't hung up on him. This one time encounter results in Juno's pregnancy. She and her best friend Leah (Olivia Thirlby) decide to take control of the situation by browsing for prospective adoptive parents in the local Pennysaver newspaper, and Juno settles on seemingly the perfect, affluent couple Mark (Jason Bateman) and Vanessa Loring (Jennifer Garner) who is desperate to have a child. Junos sensitive father (J.K. Simmons) and stepmother (Allison Janney) are very supportive of her and help Juno with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Juno and her father check out Mark and Vanessa Loring to see if they are the right couple. As time moves closer to having the baby, Juno grows more into a woman, yet she is still a teenager with all the same problems and a few more.

I LOVED the movie, and so did the girls. But part of me wondered if Juno's parents' reaction was a realistic one? How would I react if Karina came to me and said she was pregnant, AND had done the research, AND had made the decision to give the baby up for adoption? I honestly don't know.

When I got home, karina and I had a LONG talk. I told her that she should never feel afraid to tell me anything that was going on with her. I told her that I hoped she really thought things through before it actually got to the point of deciding to have sex with someone. She looked at me with unwavering eye contact and said, "Mommy, don't worry...I'm not that type of girl". Those words echoed in my head..."that type of girl".  What did that mean? So I told Karina, "Your friend made a mistake, she's scared and she doesn't know what she's going to do or how her family is going to react. Is THAT the type of girl you mean?" Then I went on to explain that this type of thing can happen to ANY "type of girl". You could be the shy, straight "A" student who decides to have sex for the first time and ends up pregnant, or you could be the school slut. But really, does it matter? I told her that I wanted her to have the best in life, and having a child when you're still a child isn't my idea of having the best life. I said, "Why would you want to have the life that you're going to have when you're 40, now? Wait until you're 40! You shouldn't have to worry about kids, money, bills, insurance and the uncertainty of your future! You have the rest of your life for that!"

Then I started thinking about her poor friend and I wondered...is teenage pregnancy contagious?

According to the Planned Parenthood website, approximately 97 per 1,000 women aged 15-19 become pregnant each year. Moreover, because the average age of menarche has reached an all-time low and because four out of five young people have sex as teenagers, a greater proportion of teenage girls are at risk of becoming pregnant.

So I wondered what the school is going to do once they find out about the girls pregnancy? Are they going to make her leave the school once she starts showing? Is that fair? Does she have rights, or has she given them up because she got pregnant? Should the school use her as an example, a "if you get pregnant like her, you won't be allowed to attend school like a normal 13-year-old"?

So I pose the question to you, my fellow MT's...what's fair? What's right? What do you think?

We've had a lot of boy diaries. Here is one about girls...Elisa

OK it’s my turn. I’m having a girl and while I am at time beyond happy that she appears to be healthy and that I will someday have someone to get pedis with, there are other times I am terrified.

Ladies, I need your perspectives on a (down)side of pregnancy that I really wasn't aware of two years ago.  I am having a really horrible time with all the physical changes that have happened in my body since having a kid.  This is stuff that I never thought about, and I'm trying to figure out what is normal, and what I need to fix.  Oy.

At the risk of getting banned from this site forever and ever, the one downside of pregnancy that everybody knows about was never a problem.  I sweated the weight away in about two weeks.  Not through exercising, mind you, but through night sweats.  I had been so sick throughout my pregnancy that I only ever gained 20 pounds.  By the time I sweated it all out, I actually ended up 10 pounds lighter than I had been before the pregnancy.

Ok, please, put down the bats.  Really, there's more.  (And I've put the 10 pounds back on anyway through my amazingly bad eating habits.  Yay me.)

(I originally wrote this for Bay Windows (December 13, 2007), an LGBT newspaper, and focused on the commonalities between single straight moms and lesbian moms, coupled or not. Most mainstream coverage of the book, however (e.g., Newsweek), has focused on the issue of whether a woman can or should raise kids without a father if she doesn't have an appropriate man in her life. Take the discussion here any way you choose....)

Louise Sloan’s new book, Knock Yourself Up: No Man? No Problem: A Tell-All Guide to Becoming a Single Mom (Avery: 2007), is something of a novelty. It is perhaps the only parenting book by an out lesbian mom that is directed at a mixed audience, lesbian and not. While some books about single motherhood are inclusive of lesbian moms to varying degrees, and some books about lesbian parenting state they are also appropriate for single straight moms, Sloan goes beyond them and weaves the experiences of herself and other lesbians with those of straight women in an even-handed way that makes neither group feel like outsiders.

The book features her own perspective as a single mom by choice, as well as the voices of 43 other women whom she interviewed at length, representing a wide variety of backgrounds and choices on the path to parenthood. Sloan says she wanted her book to be "a lively support group in text form, offering a diversity of perspectives," and in this she succeeds. Chatty, informal and at times laugh-out-loud funny, there is nevertheless much practical information in the women’s stories and Sloan’s asides.

Some people, of course, feel single moms by choice are selfish and view men as unnecessary, the same argument many throw at lesbian moms. Sloan, however, argues "What the straight women in this book rejected was not men or marriage - it was the idea of getting into a bad marriage, or the wrong marriage, just to have kids. . . . In fact, many have made the decision to bear a child out of wedlock because they respect marriage too much to enter into it lightly for reasons of social and procreational expedience." For lesbians, the marriage situation is somewhat different, but the idea is the same: Don’t force yourself into the wrong relationship just to have a parenting partner. The de-linking of marriage and procreation, however, is one of the many reasons the book has already garnered a number of far-right detractors, who also seem to believe the lack of a dad means a troubled life for the child -- an assertion disproven by credible research. Straight single moms by choice and lesbians, coupled or not, may find common cause here, an alliance that in my opinion has yet to be fully explored.