The last time I posted here, I had very little interaction or involvements with children. All that has changed. Three weeks ago I met the most wonderful man I’ve ever met and we began dating. He has two children, ages 2 and 7, from a previous marriage. Both are girls. Both are (of course) adorable. One is potty trained (you can guess which one). I’ve gone from having no responsibilities greater than taking care of my three cats, to suddenly having to worry about the well-being of two absolutely fantastic, amazing little girls as I date their father.

I can’t compare my role to that of a mother. My relationship with the girls will never be as a mom, even if I ultimately become a step-mom (and even that is lightyears away from where we are now). Their parents get to make the decisions about them, and I don’t. I don’t participate in discipline. But they are now a part of my life and I do have to worry constantly about how my actions will affect them. It’s only been a few weeks so far, but it’s been a VERY enlightening few weeks.

The first question was whether and when I would meet the girls. When I met their father, they were away on vacation with their Mom for a few weeks. The two year old came home first and I met her right away. She’s not really old enough to pick up on what’s going on. We took her to the beach and spent the day playing in the sand. She was absolutely an angel. Her dad told me that she’s not always so good.

A few days later, she proved it. We went to a party that consisted of a large group of adults, one other child (age and a golden retriever. A few of the adults, the 8 year old, and the dog were all familiar to her, but she got overwhelmed several times, and we both spent a lot of time away from the party, catering to her needs. While everyone else went to eat dinner, we stayed in the garden with her, talking about what color each of the flowers were and letting her pick a few of them too. Finally, we grabbed a few plates of food and ate there, alone, in the garden with her. Then another one of the adults, a friend’s mom who was familiar to her, took over child care and we joined the rest of the party. That lasted a very short period of time before she was back, now crying. Her father left the table and calmed her down, then returned. It wasnt long before she was back, crying again. Then dessert showed up, and she calmed down immediately as she was given chocolate cake and ice cream.

I don’t mind making her the priority over the party and even over me. I would have very little respect for a man who put some girl he just started dating ahead of the needs of his children. But, it’s a lot of work, and it’s constant. Plus, where do you draw the line about coaxing children out of tantrums with junk food? It works like a charm, but at what point is it harmful to them, even if it’s convenient for you?

While we were at the beach, I noticed pink toenail polish on her. I asked about it, and her dad told me she LOVES pink and LOVES nail polish. In fact, she loves all makeup. He doesn’t really do the nail polish thing, as a guy, so that’s a role I can fill as a new woman in their lives. I cannot remember the last time I either purchased or wore nail polish. I never really wore makeup. But I’d love to do something nice for the girls.

I went out and got a few bottles of pink sparkly nail polish and some nail polish remover too. I thought about getting some pink lip gloss and then I thought “Do we really need to be sexualizing the bodies of little girls?” I said that to their dad and he said “They do it to themselves.” I’m sure they do. I was pretty fascinated with makeup at a young age because my mom wore a lot of it and I wanted to be like her.

A few days later, I saw a very small child in a stroller at the farmers market, holding a naked Barbie. Whoa! We’re teaching kids from that young of an age that that’s what a woman’s body should look like? Jesus, check out the size of those tits! I thought about it some more too. What do you do to play Barbies? Dress the Barbie doll up. For more variation as you play, you need more Barbie clothes. We’re training our kids to be consumers, and to have unrealistic expectations about women, their bodies, and their role in society.

I said this to a male friend of mine and he reminded me what little boys play with (GI Joes). A totally realistic representation of masculinity – not. My friend cracked that we’d be better off giving boys dolls of the Village People.

I asked my new guy if his daughters played with Barbies. Oh yes, he said. They love them. Crap. And I have no say over this, of course. They aren’t my kids. Parenting decisions are not mine to make. The kids eat happy meals (even though dad is vegan and trained as a chef) and love love love Disney movies. I haven’t seen any Disney movies in several years, but last I was aware of, the only movie where the woman fights her own battles is Mulan. The rest stick to the stereotype in which the knight in shining armor fights the bad guy to rescue the girl, and her ultimate goal in life is to get married (and of course virtue is quantified by beauty and clothing).

I can think of a million different movies I’d rather expose kids to, and actually, I’d rather have no TV at all. Children below about age 8 can’t understand the persuasive intent of advertising and I’ve got no desire whatsoever to expose them to TV commercials, or to kids TV shows that are designed at least in part to sell toys. But these two watch TV, and Disney movies.

You can’t really blame their parents. They are normal parents. Additionally, kids ARE a lot of work. Sometimes something quick and cheap like a happy meal can really make a parent’s life easier, when they are pressed for time, the kid is hungry, and the parent is stressed. I hope that as a parent I still wouldn’t give in and actually buy the kids a Happy Meal but who knows. And for that reason, I am also withholding judgment about these kids’ parents’ decisions about them.

It’s easy for me to say I’d do everything different or better when I am not actually a Mom and have not actually had to raise children. That said, now that I am in their lives (for the time being at least, and perhaps longer), I am not personally going to buy any Happy Meals or Barbies for them. And, while those two particular things seem pretty cut and dry easy decisions for me to make, there are a million gray areas that I’ve encountered already.