Are Progressive Dads Hypocrites About the Whole Gay Thing?
Tue Apr 29, 2008 at 02:50:17 PM PDT
Details magazine recently ran a blog post by David Hochman about how straight men are uncomfortable with the thought of having a gay son. "The fact is, parents—dads especially, even those who cry at weddings and like to make soufflés—take pride when their kids follow culturally ingrained gender roles." Progressive dads are not immune from this; in fact, the article contends, they may be more susceptible:
It may sound like liberal-dad hypocrisy, but guys like Ron say it's their hyperawareness of gay culture that makes them so fear the idea of their kids being homosexual in the first place. "You see the news; you see movies like Brokeback Mountain and Boys Don't Cry," Ron says. "You think, It would be a hell of a lot easier if my kid turned out not to be gay."
We'll ignore, for the moment, the fact that Boys Don't Cry was about a transgender person, not a gay person. PFLAG (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) is up in arms about the article, saying:
PFLAG fathers from across the country will begin speaking out online about their gay, bisexual and transgender children in response to an article . . . insinuating that men are uncomfortable with the thought of having a gay son. . . . PFLAG fathers will speak out, at the organization’s national blog site all week, to challenge Hochman’s article and shed light on their own journey toward embracing their gay, bisexual and transgender sons.
The first such post went up today.
I love PFLAG, and think they do tremendous work for the LGBT community, especially the young people in it. I think it is important, too, to share examples of dads who have embraced their GBT sons, in order to help counter the prejudice that Hochman highlights. Still, something's been bothering me about their approach to all this.
PFLAG seems to be saying that Hochman was wrong in showing that some men are uncomfortable with GBT sons. He does more than "insinuate" that they feel this way, however; he states it outright.
You know what? He's right. Some are, and if we pretend otherwise, we'll never change that. Yes, Hochman was perhaps a bit sweeping in his statements. He talks with three dads who have difficulty with the idea of a gay son, and doesn't balance them with dads who are okay with it. He states "If you're a father, chances are you've had a similarly conflicted inner dialogue," which implies that a majority of dads feel this way. The fact is, we don't really have data one way or the other.
Somewhere between Hochman and PFLAG is truth, and I see no better forum for discussion of the matter than right here on Mother Talkers. I know there have been threads before about boys who wear dresses. How would you feel if your son turned out to be gay? Would it be different if your daughter was a lesbian? What if either of them was transgender? Would your spouse (especially male spouses) feel the same? If you are uncomfortable with it, can you pinpoint why? Is it fear of bias and harm from others, general discomfort with a feminine son (or masculine daughter), or other reasons? Would you feel any differently if your child still "passed" as straight (i.e., is it their sexual orientation per se or their gender expression that is causing the discomfort)?
I'll add that these feelings of discomfort are not unique to straight parents. Many LGBT parents I know have similar worries about their children being LGBT, for fear of adding to the false stereotype that LGBT parents beget LGBT offspring. Statistically, of course, some will. LGBT or not, we need to get over our fears and let our children become who they really are (though we can always hope they develop better taste in music).
