it is wholly apparent that my family and our home thrive when i am focused on them, and that they do not when i am trying to split my focus between a job and a houseful of 6 people.  even when i am teaching just one course, getting childcare, nannies, having my mom pitch in, none of it adds up like it used to.  i feel the pull of what i expect many women feel much of the time, and i am fortunate to have the option to stay home with the kids.  the balance became very imbalanced, and with no sign that it would let up in the near future, i resigned from my position last week.  one year short of tenure i was rumored to have earned.  

do i REALLy care about tenure?  no.  i despise the hoop system.  yet, there is still something in knowing you've done it.  i hated going through hoops to get my ph.d., but once i was finished, i did feel proud of what i had accomplished (defending 8 months pregnant with charlie...  i had been "dissertating" through all of our family-building years).  do i enjoy working as an academic?  yes and no.  i love teaching.  i love preparing students to work with young children in child care centers and schools.  but i hated meetings, and it seemed i was the only one who would openly admit that fact.  i did manage to write what was needed to move towards tenure, but i have no burning desire to research and publish.  i was often frustrated that "service" meant working on committees in my department, college, or across the university... not actually working in the community to make things happen.  i am already slated to teach a course each semester next year as an adjunct, so i will stay connected that way.  

so why does it feel like such a loss?

i think i figured it out this week.  despite the fact that i can still teach, and am now free from the meetings, writing, and responsibilities of department life, it was a career.  teaching one course as an adjunct is not a career.  i did that in addition to my old career, going to grad school, and being a mom.  so now, i don't have a career.  more like a hobby with low pay.  i think some part of me is grieving that loss. i love my kids.  i love being a mom. .. really love it.  i just never thought i'd be a SAHM, and really, i don't think i ever wanted to be.  i am trying to want to be one now.  i am grateful.  we are so forutnate.  i am an early chldhood person, so i know how important the first few years are.  the thing is, i also learned to do that well while having a career.  i had no guilt, i spent loads of time with my kids, they were happy and loved, and i was out doing what i loved too.  

gosh, this all still sounds so whiny.  but i thought some people here might understand, since i can't really even admit this out in the real world... everyone just says how lucky i am to stay at home.  except the colleagues i left, who think i am absolutely nuts.  if i feel this conflicted leaving a job in early childhood education for my own in-home lab school, i can only imagine how SAHMs who are true career changers from other occupations handle the transition.  i've been home for almost a year now; i guess i'm still getting used to it.