Mother Talkers

Switching Teams

by Stacey

Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 08:19:05 AM PDT

Cross-posted at Fussbucket

All's fair on reality television. People swap spouses, get new and improved homes to live in, and compete for titles like "Top Chef!" And now, according to this article in Newsweek, stay-at-home mothers can try out going back to work while the whole nation watches. The show is called "Secret Life of a Soccer Mom."

Umm, I think I'd almost rather be in therapy on television (and if you're an HBO watcher like me, you're seeing this very thing on "In Treatment." Love it.) I'd like to think that people out there would sympathize with a woman who had spent years at home raising children, side-stepping her own career path to wipe noses, give hugs, and sing silly songs. Maybe even root for her to find happiness and balance with kids who were just fine with a little less mommy time. But no.

If the initial reaction to the "Secret Life of a Soccer Mom," (Mondays at 10 p.m. ET) is any indication, TLC has struck one of the rawest nerves of parenting. In the show's March 3 premier Adrian Stark, a mother of three girls in suburban California, decides to go back to work full-time as a high fashion designer after 10 years at home. Stark's daughters are awestruck by the gowns she makes, and when she's offered a job, her physician husband gets teary with joy.

But as soon as the show aired, TLC's online message boards were  with comments from women outraged that Adrian would choose a career over being a stay-at-home mom (SAHM in parent lingo). The posts said the premise of the show is "sick" and Adrian is "selfish."

There were lots of nasty comments including someone saying that going back to work is "child abandonment." What is wrong with these people?

Women have been in the workforce for decades now, but the tension between moms who stay at home and those who, by choice, have jobs outside the home continues to brew. When in mixed company, mothers on both sides of the fence tend to tiptoe around the subject. Totally unvarnished confessions of either boredom or guilt are usually left to gatherings of moms of one's own kind.

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Lately I have been thinking about switching teams and going back to work. It's a hard decision. I don't want to give up all of the time that I have with my kids, but I'm ready to bring my work back into my life.  There are a number of valid reasons for this decision, but there's still some sting associated.

You do have to ask whether this decision is one that should be made in one week as part of a TV show. We're not talking about changing the color of your living room. The critical SAHMs are right in that if the moms choose work, their children's lives will be affected and that the adjustment is tough. And while the show gives a nod to the logistical trials ahead, when Adrian's husband points out that the fashion company won't care if one of their kids gets sick, a follow-up show could start about six months into Adrian's new career when she gets to have stereophonic guilt—the kind where you feel bad for leaving work and for getting home late.

What if the follow-up show found Adrian giddy with freedom, energy, and a renewed appreciation for the time she spends with her family? What if she feels happy with her decision and that happiness permeates every interaction she has with her husband and her kids? I don't doubt that she'll (read: I'll) feel guilt. But being a SAHM isn't stress-free either. Believe me.

I think what we're all looking for is balance. According to recent federal numbers, 70.5 percent of American women with children under 18 work outside the home—including 60 percent of mothers with children under 3. And what those mothers want, the article says, perhaps more than the choice of whether to work at all, is the option to work a little less. Currently three-quarters of them work full-time, but a July 2007 Pew Research Center survey found that only 21 percent of working mothers with children under 18 saw full-time work as the best arrangement, down from 32 percent in 1997.

So what say you MTers? Are you interested in watching this show or is it too sensitive a topic? Got any advice for me as I venture down this road?

Tags: working mothers (all tags)

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