Domestic Adoption
Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 11:16:56 AM PDT
Adoption is SO common in the Bay Area that a recent Berkeley Parents Network post about adoption through the U.S. foster care system sparked a barrage of responses.
In the original letter, the writer wanted an honest opinion on adopting through our local foster care system as well-meaning friends expressed concerns over “crack babies” and possible mental disturbances in the children.
Everyone from adoptive parents to social workers, poo-pooed the “crack baby myth.”
I am sorry some of your friends are so misinformed about adoption and are trying to scare you. My two bright, caring, fun, strong, developmentally on target children, ages almost 5 years old and 10 months old, were both adopted through Alameda County's fost/adopt program. My experience was very positive, even when it seemed to be taking a long time. Both of my children were exposed to drugs in-utero. Both have overcome their rocky starts and are thriving. No baby is a ''crack/drug baby''. Babies do not take drugs. Some are exposed to drugs in-utero. Cocaine, meth, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine...
Hi. My husband and I adopted a little girl through the foster care system. (Alameda county) She was 3 mos. when she came to us and was formally adopted at 14 months. We also got the comments about ''drug babies, crack babies'' etc. I didn't care what anyone said. I wanted to adopt and that's just the way it was. Our daughter was exposed to cocaine and probably alcohol. (usually the drugs and alcohol go hand in hand) She had tremors for about 4 months or so and stiffness in her legs but nothing too dramatic. She was ''feisty'' from babyhood and is now more difficult. She has ADHD type behaviors and gives us (mainly me, now) many trying moments but I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Kathy
Other respondents did not discourage the adoption, but expressed caution. They advised becoming informed on “attachment disorders” and children who were exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. One worker in the system said his/her clients were people who had lost custody of their children, but were trying to re-gain them. S/he admitted that children who land in the system means "there are MAJOR problems with the parenting/home situation." Nonetheless, this individual said the writer should not be "scared" of these children.
Before you adopt, become the child's defacto parent. Adoption agencies have no reason to disclose the real history of the child to you because you may change your mind. As a defacto parent, you can go and see and read the county reports on how the child ended up in the foster care system. Even if you are not challenged by the county reports, spend some time looking up what ''attachments disorders'' are and if possible talk with a family that has such a child that is not connected with your agency. Many of these families will be single parent households.
Anon…
I am a child psychologist experienced in working with foster children of various ages. Some things to keep in mind when thinking about adopting a foster child: a child's experiences from birth to three--particularly experiences of (or lack of) relationsips with others--essentially form the building blocks of personality development. All of the children in foster care have suffered an indescribable loss and varying degrees of trauma. Some have had more support than others. Some may naturally be more resilient. Helping these children work through their losses and grow into happy, healthy adults takes extraordinary parenting--not impossible but difficult at times.
A.
A few of the respondents brought up the fact that growing a family through foster care is more affordable than other options, including fertility treatments and international adoptions. The foster care system actually pays families stipends and offers other services for the care of their children.
You have a great heart and kudos to you for wanting to adopt an (older) child in foster care. I used to work with children (in the foster care system as an advocate and behaviorist) and there are some things for you to consider so that you will be prepared for this change in your life and so that you can help prepare the child to accept love (from a parent and love for themselves.) Sometimes the kids with the behavior/anger problems are the kids who need you most and will love you the most once they establish that trust with you. Everyday at my job, I worked at developing trust and reassurance in the fact that I could keep them safe (from other adults, from themselves, etc.) Keep in mind that you will provide the best life for these kids by being mentally, emotionally and physically prepared to handle these kids and their issues. Abandonement issues are hard at any age so be prepared to answer their tough questions. Be prepared to be their biggest cheerleader because feelings of abandonement really feeds the self loathing, poor self esteem cycle in these kids...you will have to provide the ''self'' esteem until they trust you enough to know that you won't be giving them back, once they can do that, they will be able to work on themselves. Know what resources you have from the state and county for counseling, behavior modification, etc and use these services. If you have a child with behavior issues coupled with anger, there are physical techniques you can learn so that you can protect them from themselves. When I worked with these kids, I had to become certified in these techniques and they were effective tools. I hope you find a child who will help you create this family that you want, I just ask that you are wide eyed about the experience, have an open heart and a strong back to carry the child's burden until she or he is ready to let it go and just be prepared to experience such a joyful love.
always a foster kid's advocate
Finally, there was an active second thread geared towards prospective adoptive parents. The name of a renowned adoptive expert, Ellen Roseman, was bounced around.
As an adoptive mom of 2-year old, boy/girls twins adopted at birth, the very best advice I can offer you concerning adoption outreach and specifically, the adoption journey itself is: contact Ellen Roseman at Cooperative Adoption Consulting (www.coopadopt.com). Adoptions happen in this country in a variety of ways. If you want to experience an adoption steeped in ethics,integrity, respect, kindness and love - contact Ellen Roseman. You may also attend one of her monthly support group meetings and meet the people that are part of her service. In working with Ellen and her service, my husband and I feel like we received a Harvard Education on open adoption. Ellen encourages her clients do a lot of work, reading adoption books, attending classes, speaking with adoptees, birthmoms and adoptive families. It is purposeful and intentional work and has served our family in remarkable capacities. Thanks to Ellen and her service, we have had -- and continue to have an extraordinary open adoption experience. She brings ethics, integrity and grace to the adoption experience which serves birthmoms, babies, adoptees, and adoptive families in truly significant and meaningful ways. Incredible and amazing adoptions happen in this country, Ellen and her service help make that happen. Adoption is not an easy journey. Ellen and her service help make the adoption journey incredibly educational and worthwhile. Best wishes in building your family through adoption.
I don't think we have spoken at length about domestic adoption so I thought I would share what I read. I know I was sucked into the discussion. For those of you who adopted domestically, what were your experiences with the U.S. foster care system?
