Mother Talkers

The Guilt that Surprised Me

by camper

Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 06:02:58 PM PDT

What say you, MotherTalkers? Thanks for posing this question, camper! -Elisa

When Adam and I decided to start a family I did so knowing that I not only  needed but wanted to keep working. That said I also knew that there was no way, despite knowing myself well enough to know I am not cut out for staying at home full time, that I would not experience guilt at leaving my sweet girl behind to go to work.  So I was prepared for the tears some mornings (my tears, not hers) and for the days where I can't concentrate for thinking about my girl and wondering what she's doing and missing her gummy smile. What I wasn't prepared for was the professional guilt I would feel when being a mommy gets in the way of work.

Campbell is almost 8 months old and today she was diagnosed with an ear ache. Normal, childhood stuff, no worries there.  We've started the antibiotics so hopefully the crying and discomfort on her part will soon subside.  But, as I emailed my office after putting her to bed I was struck by a sense of unease - of guilt - for not going into work tomorrow in order to stay home with Campbell.

This isn't the first time I've felt this wave of apprehension as I call or email in.  Campbell goes to daycare so she has had a couple rounds of the crud so far this winter and I've taken a couple days off as a result. There is no where I'd rather be and I know there is no where else I should be but caring for my baby.  So what's with the guilt?

I don't know if it's because I so rarely get sick personally and so until I became a mother I almost never missed work outside of holidays and vacations. I don't know if it's because I feel like, on the heels of 3 months maternity leave and then a holiday season that I've been out of the office too much to miss again so soon.  Whatever the underlying cause of the guilt, I do know that I wish it would go away.

So, I find myself wondering if I'm alone.  Am I crazy? Or is this yet another aspect of the patriarchal society in which we live making me feel inadequate.  Is this just an instance - shared by many - where we can't win for trying to have it all? Am I asking too much to be able to succeed professionally away from home and not feel guilty when I do stay at home?

Tags: motherhood, professional mom, guilt (all tags)

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