Mother Talkers

Teenage miscarriage

by Laura

Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:39:17 PM PDT

My niece is 16.  Smart girl, big plans to go to college, lots of potentional, loving parents, but growing up in a family that just couldn't catch a break.  She went out with some new friends, had too much to drink (first time), had sex (again first time) and got pregnant.  Her family was disappointed but supportive.  Their perspective (after Alice made her choice) was that every life should be greated with excitement and joy and they were bound and determined not to mourn the birth of their first grandchild, no matter the circumstances.  They were also committed that this wouldn't be the end of their little girl's life- she would still go to college and they'd support her in whatever way they needed to.  (For the record, they examined all the options and the hurdles- emotional and logistical- around termination were just too steep.  I have to respect that because, in my opinion, that's the definition of choice.)

But today she had her 12 week ultrasound and discovered that there's no fetal heartbeat.  No movement.  They think that she miscarried at 10 weeks and she'll have a D & C in the next few days.  The response from some members of the family has been appalling- things that no one would say to an adult woman who lost her child.  (One lovely individual congratulated her on the miscarriage.  Another made a joke about dodging a bullet.)  Granted, my emotions are confusing.  One hand, she gets a chance to have the life she was pointed towards before.  Other hand, she's grieving the loss of an identity that she (and her family) had just started to come to terms with.  She's lost a child- does it matter that she's only 16?  Shouldn't she be allowed to grieve, or is her "teen mom" status supposed to preclude those feelings?

All I can think to do is send my best energy her way and light a candle for the family- including the member that they won't get to meet.  What about others?  How would you have handled this?

Tags: Miscarriage, teen pregnancy (all tags)

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