Mother Talkers

Truly loving your child.

by tessajp

Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:26:38 PM PDT

I heard the most beautiful, amazing story of parenting on NPR today.

Did anyone else hear it?

It was a story of two parents, coming to grips with the fact that their 10-year old son is transgendered, and wants to be a girl.  You can read it on the website, but I strongly recommend you LISTEN to it, because the parents sounds so amazingly calm and accepting, it brings you to tears.  It made me tear up, and I never cry at things like this.  The only drawback to listening is that its long--20 minutes.  (Thank god for NPR--show me another news show that would spend 20 minutes on one story during their prime news broadcast.)

The story is here:  Parents consider treatment to delay puberty.

How much pain must these parents worked through to get to this point of treatment?

Their son was two the first time he put on a dress and refused to take it off.  8 hellacious sounding years followed while they tried to figure out why their little boy wanted dresses.  I was really struck by the description of their child's temper, and how angry and frustrated she could get.  Another reason to listen to the story is that the written transcript leaves out the most horrible moment:  when their 10 year old child walked into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and told her mother and sister she hated being in the world and wanted to kill herself.  The mother had to hold her down and take the knife away.  

How much must it have hurt to see their child in this much pain?  I hurt just thinking about it.  They must have doubted their parenting, to have such an angry child.  And no matter how accepting they are now, it must have been painful to realize their boy was basically never there; painful to let go of the expectations and dreams, especially for the dad.  But eventually, they found a doctor who explained gender identification disorder, and they just stopped fighting it.  They completely accepted their child for who she is, and loved her through and through.

I was impressed throughout the interview how the parents never once slipped up and said "he."  Even when talking about the years when they thought their child was a boy, they never used the male pronoun.  They never used the name they gave her, only the name she chose.  "She" just slipped out of their mouths as naturally as breathing.

The transformation in their daughter's temperment was just stunning.  The father said she became the happiest kid in the world, overnight, the day she started living as a girl.  To me, that says something intensely profound about what makes us who we are, that a child that young can be so intensely affected by gender.  

The main part of the piece was a discussion about the controversial treatment to delay puberty, which these parents have chosen to pursue for their daughter.  Delaying puberty is different from taking hormones to develop as the opposite sex, and supporters argue this is a way to give young children and pre-teens valuable time to sort out if they want to pursue further, irreversible treatment.  The parents' older daughter says her sister gets more uncomfortable in her own body every day, as puberty sets in and she starts growing hair, for example.  How hard to hate what your body is doing in such fundamental way.  And again, how painful for a parent to watch your child go through that!

For me, these parents truly embody the iconic image of parental love, as much as the right wing nuts would choke to hear it.  They are truly selfless--they sacrificed any dreams they had for a son, to give their daughter happiness and peace and comfort within her own existence.  I've been thinking long and hard about whether I could do the same since I heard the story, and I even discussed it with DH over dinner.  I think it all hinges on how miserable their child was.  I couldn't bear to see that, and to cause it to continue, if I could do something to stop it.  But I have a certain level of discomfort, too.  Surely, these parents are still scared about repercussions for their daughter from small minded people.  This could be a very difficult road to travel; who honestly wants that for their child?  

I know this story will stick with me for a LONG time, and that it will really make me think about what it means to love my children.  It was really such a powerful piece, I really think you should all listen to it.

Tags: selfless love, transgendered children (all tags)

Permalink | 14 comments

  • Please listen to part 1! (0 / 0)

    I heard the first part yesterday.  The astonishing stories of two families, with nearly identical histories and details, dealing with their transgendered sons between age 2 and 6.  The wonderful thing is that both families were very open to their son's transgender identity yet came to different conclusions about what was best for their child.

    It is one of the best 20 min of radio I've ever heard.   It is certain to make some people reconsider their ideas about transgender identity.

    by lyn on Thu May 08, 2008 at 06:29:21 PM PDT

    • Wow. (0 / 0)

      That first part is even more thought provoking.  The parents who are trying to make their son accept his gender: do they not love him?  Are they not trying to help him?  I'm not comfortable saying no, and yet it seems very traumatic what they're putting him through.    The part about the color pink made me want to cry!

      This is really great stuff, very thought provoking and eye opening.  This will keep me occupied for a while, even when I'm up at 12:30 am with heartburn and a really wicked rainstorm...

      by tessajp on Thu May 08, 2008 at 09:41:35 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • So glad you posted this! (0 / 0)

    I meant to go to the website when I got  home, and I forgot!  The story was so amazing - and like you I was amazed by the calmness of the way they told the story.  I was especially moved by the story about the family funeral, in which the Dad introduced all of his aunts to his daughter.

    by Sue in Queens on Thu May 08, 2008 at 07:34:53 PM PDT

    • I know! (0 / 0)

      The funeral story really hit me, because it showed so clearly how conflicted the dad really was, and that it was hard for him.  And obviously, he didn't fall too far from the tree--that head aunt sounds awesome!

      How awkward must that moment been, when the family was confused by the eulogy?  

      by tessajp on Thu May 08, 2008 at 09:43:57 PM PDT

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  • Wow (0 / 0)

    that had me in tears.  What amazing parents.  

    by Erin on Thu May 08, 2008 at 09:24:40 PM PDT

  • That was really fascinating (0 / 0)

    The whole gender identity thing has been on my mind a lot, since my son went through a year-long stretch (ages 2-3, roughly) wearing mostly girls clothes, and preferring the ones with flowers and frills.  During parts of this period he insisted he was a girl.

    We wondered about it, but just kind of waited it out, and now he knows he's a boy.  He still prefers to play with girls (when they'll include him, anyway), and loves the color pink, though won't wear it anymore.  Over a month ago a boy at school told him he wouldn't play with him because he was wearing pink, which led to an abrupt stop to the pink-wearing (though I only yesterday finally found out the reason behind the sudden shift -- he tends to keep things inside a bit).

    Anyway, I'm no longer too worried about the transgender thing, but think it's so interesting to hear the different ways people deal with it.  I felt so, so bad for the kid in the first story who had to have toys taken away since they weren't appropriate toys for a boy.  And when some study said 80% of those encouraged to stay in their gender roles do so as adults, I wondered how many of those people are truly happy with who they are.  It was pretty clear to me which approach I would take if it were my kid.  

    by Treena on Fri May 09, 2008 at 12:03:16 PM PDT

  • Agreed (0 / 0)

    This was one of the best pieces I've heard on NPR and I'm a daily listener.

    by Stacey on Fri May 09, 2008 at 07:10:13 PM PDT

  • poor bradley (0 / 0)

    i think life is all about trying to understand and needing to be understood and accepted.

    i usually just read and sometimes comment, but here's the only mt diary i ever wrote-

    my daughter wears boys underpants....

    i like how the good dr described the other's therapy as "coercive."  that's the perfect way to describe it.

    by thankgodforairamerica on Sat May 10, 2008 at 04:12:43 AM PDT

  • I've been thinking about (0 / 0)

    this one alot, too. I don't know if I can listen to the one lyn linked to, where girl stuff is taken away. I'm certainly not going to listen to it with my kids in the room. My son is really tuned in to this stuff right now...he plays with a little girl who has wanted to be a boy since she was little, and he has lesbian grandmothers, too.

    The thing that the segment makes me think about the most is that there is a difference between gender identity and sexuality. I'm betting that there is a correlation, for sure, but I think that they are quite separate. So, a love of girl stuff (or boy stuff) doesn't mean a kid will be gay. Has anyone else gotten this out of all these gender discussions?

    by tarantula on Wed May 14, 2008 at 08:01:59 AM PDT

  • a couple of thoughts... (0 / 0)

    well probably more.
    this is such an interesting example of love, parenting, and meeting challenges.
    like some of the other comments I remember the time my youngest would wear his sisters play jewelry constantly.  we let him, oh well.  his sister HATED playing with dolls. she only had one and it lasted for about a month.  she played with barbie type dolls only when her brothers wanted to.  her older brother went through a phase of ONLY playing with girls.  he absolutely could not get along with boys and we found out later he spent his time with the girls on the swings. ultimately, I think it has made him into the sensitive, understanding, joy of a boyfriend and girls positively adore him. oh well.
    all this leads me to another point.

    The thing that the segment makes me think about the most is that there is a difference between gender identity and sexuality.

    this is the sort of thing that should be part of a comprehensive sexuality education. not just "sex ed".  I teach from this perspective and it is appropriate for grades 9 and up and can be modified for introduction in grade 8.  Our sexuality is about so much more than "having sex" and yet is absent from health education.  I believe so many of our problems come from a lack of knowledge about our sexuality and how it influences every aspect of our being.  without this knowledge everything else is just out of context.  and we lack the real foundation to make informed decisions as well as understand, empathize with, or at least consider the situations these parents are in.

    "The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution." Paul Cezanne

    by educonfidential on Thu May 15, 2008 at 11:06:05 AM PDT

    • So you're saying (0 / 0)

      I'm right?

      There are so many examples of people who identify appropriately with their biological gender but are gay. Where are the examples of people who don't identify with their biological gender and are not technically gay (i.e. a boy who feels like a girl, but likes girs)?

      by tarantula on Thu May 15, 2008 at 02:56:42 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • here is some information I use (0 / 0)

        in my classes to explain the difference between gender identity, sexual orientation, and gender bias.

        Sexual identity is a person's understanding of who she/he is sexually, including the sense of being male or of being female. Sexual identity consists of three "interlocking pieces" that, together, affect how each person sees him/herself. Each "piece" is important.

           * Gender identity—Knowing whether one is male or female. Most young children determine their own gender identity by age two. Sometime, a person's biological gender is not the same as his/her gender identity—this is called being transgender.
           * Gender role—Identifying actions and/or behaviors for each gender. Some things are determined by the way male and female bodies are built or function. For example, only women menstruate and only men produce sperm. Other gender roles are culturally determined. In the United States, it is considered appropriate for only women to wear dresses to work in the business world. In other cultures, men may wear skirt-like outfits everywhere.

           There are many "rules" about what men and women can/should do that have nothing to do with the way their bodies are built or function. This aspect of sexuality is especially important for young adolescents to understand, since peer, parent, and cultural pressures to be "masculine" or "feminine" increase during the adolescent years. Both young men and young women need help sorting out how perceptions about gender roles affect whether they feel encouraged or discouraged in their choices about relationships, leisure activities, education, and career.

           Gender bias means holding stereotyped opinions about people according to their gender. Gender bias might include believing that women are less intelligent or less capable than men, that men suffer from "testosterone poisoning," that men cannot raise children without the help of women, that women cannot be analytical, that men cannot be sensitive. Many times, people hold fast to these stereotyped opinions without giving rational thought to the subject of gender.

           * Sexual orientation—Whether a person's primary attraction is to people of the other gender (heterosexuality) or to the same gender (homosexuality) or to both genders (bisexuality) defines his/her sexual orientation. Sexual orientation begins to emerge by adolescence although many gay and lesbian youth say they knew they felt same sex attraction by age 10 or 11. Between three and 10—percent of the general population is probably exclusively homosexual in orientation. Perhaps another 10 percent of the general population feel attracted to both genders.

           Heterosexual, gay, lesbian, and bisexual youth can all experience same-gender sexual attraction and/or activity around puberty. Such behavior, including sexual play with same-gender peers, crushes on same-gender adults, or sexual fantasies about same-gender people are normal for pre-teens and young teens and are not necessarily related to sexual orientation.

           Negative social messages and homophobia in the wider U.S. culture can mean that young adolescents who are experiencing sexual attraction to and romantic feelings for someone of their own gender need support so they can clarify their feelings and accept their sexuality.

        It is from a lesson I use called "Circles of Sexuality" and the whole website has valuable information for parents and youth as well:
        http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/...

        "The day is coming when a single carrot, freshly observed, will set off a revolution." Paul Cezanne

        by educonfidential on Thu May 15, 2008 at 07:58:00 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

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