Mother Talkers

'Supernanny' Addresses Common Parenting Woes

Fri May 09, 2008 at 07:59:32 AM PDT

Jo Frost, "Supernanny from the hit ABC show, just answered Washington Post reader questions on everything from potty-training to discipline. Here is a sample:

Minneapolis, Minn.: Hi Jo -

I have a just-over-three-year-old boy who is not yet potty trained. I have tried everything I have read about in books ('potty prizes', encouragement, positive rewards, special underpants, praise, stickers...) to encourage him to use the potty but he is just not interested! I feel like he is ready and capable of using the potty - and we had a streak over Christmas when he actually was using it, but then stopped. Should we keep trying (and if so, what do we do next?) or should we back off for awhile?

Jo Frost: He's more than capable of being potty trained. However you have played and toyed with the idea and he has half-heartedly done so. You need to make up your mind one way or another (and the answer should be yes). Number one: take note of his fluid intake. 2: take him completely out of diapers, no half-measures. 3: Diapers only at bedtime. 4: you will need to spend a week doing this - stay local, no big trips. You can find a step by step guide in my first Supernanny book...

Arlington, Va.: Hi, Ms. Frost!

We are new parents to a 7-month old, and I am wondering about how best to incorporate a routine into our day. Specifically, our baby isn't a great sleeper and doesn't have set napping times. She'll usually take a 1 to 2 hour nap in the morning, but we have trouble getting her to sleep in the afternoon. And we always get her to sleep by walking her in the stroller, as she will cry if we put her down in her crib. Do you have any tips on starting a baby on a routine?

Jo Frost: She should be taking a midmorning nap and then one straight after lunch. Creating a framework is going to be key for her. She may doze off around 5 for half an hour. Not until her eating schedule is in hand should you implement the sleeping technique. In my new book I detail my "controlled crying" technique. In short - Put the baby in the crib, go out, the baby will cry, you go in and say shh and rub the tummy... repeat, doubling the time in between.

  • ::

She also answered questions about the show:

Woodbridge, Va.: Jo - I often think that the out of control children are acting up for the cameras because they know what is expected of them. Do they know why their family is being filmed?

Jo Frost: The older children know that I come in to help but they don't really know what that means. Some parents have told the kids that Supernanny is coming to stop the naughty behavior. The kids are not playing to the camera. What you see is what you get. Kids are kids!

I loved her responses to these readers, including the latter mom with the superiority complex:

Charlotte, N.C.: Doesn't it frustrate you to see how poorly some parents "parent?" I work in an early childhood field and it makes me so angry sometimes when parents don't take the time to understand their child's development or to discipline them -- leading to problems later in life and in some cases, the parents just giving up. I really feel like parenting classes should be a mandatory thing for all people expecting kids. Thoughts?

Jo Frost: I don't believe in a "nanny state." But I do believe in parents stepping up and taking responsibility to recognize priorities that need to be in place when it comes to raising their children. "Family values" have declined over the years and there is an unhealthy level of disrespect. There are certainly times you see me on the show frustrated or sad. But it's always important to recognize that some parents just didn't know...

Hudson valley, NY: What I get from your show is a sense of tremendous gratitude that things were never so bad in my house! I'm appalled by how some parents are utterly ruled by their children and have no sense of how to set limits. Children thrive within limits that are reasonable and understandable. It makes them feel safe, and cared for. I've made lots of blunders as a Mom and your show, in a funny way, makes me feel more competent.

Jo Frost: Let's hope through our competence that we find enough compassion and empathy to spread our knowledge and help those who are struggling more.

Amen!

Tags: Supernanny, Washington Post, Jo Frost, ABC show (all tags)

Permalink | 55 comments

  • I like Jo Frost (0 / 0)

    I have fantasized about confidentially reporting some children/parents I know...hee.

  • another fan (0 / 0)

    One thing I notice about these shows is that often the obvious issue is a couple with too many kids close together and the parents are overwhelmed. People really have a different reality from my childhood in the 50s, where I could go to grandparents'homes or aunts and uncles at the drop of a hat. I have pertty much no backup with my one boy(on emergency forms I can't name two people who would actually be able to get our boy from school - just one neighbor, and she is pretty busy herself.) I have had some similar problems to the families on the show, but with one it is much more manageable without getting into the chaos I see on the show. I would bid in any auction to have lunch with Jo, though!

    • tend (0 / 0)

      I don't know, I tend to think that no matter how many kids some of the parents had, they would run into the same issues.

      Although it might not add up to the level of chaos as it does with the larger families on the show.

      • its not just numbers, but the chaos (0 / 0)

        I agree the issues would be the same - I deal with the same issues with one. It just seems like the parents with a lot of kids of close-together ages seem like they surrender to the will of the majority a lot. I have reasons for prefering small families, but have a brother who raised six kids who have turned out okay, even with the first four very close in age. They had a big support network and plenty of money, though, and these families on the show do not seem to have the same resources.

        • Don't know that that's entirely correct. (0 / 0)

          I had seven children in 11 years.  Sure, it looked like chaos for a long time...but it didn't mean that we let them "have control".  In fact, I maintained an almost bully-like sense of control for a long time because I knew that I was outnumbered!

          Now, having a lot of kids, you learn to not sweat the small stuff.  Maybe those of us who have a lot of kids are less likely to do this anyway.  If I'd only had one child I seriously doubt if I would have been the obsessive, neurotic type.

          And yes, thank you...my kids have turned out quite well, despite there being so many of them.

          • I would think you also get the advantage (0 / 0)

            Of playing them off against each other and having the older ones act as role models/guides/enforcers for the younger ones in exchange for all the extra chaos. :-)

            • They do occupy each other. (0 / 0)

              They still do, even as adults.  And yeah, you use a little bit of psychology along the way.  Older kids can be very helpful if you keep reminding them of the "specialness" of being older.  It really is rather amusing....oftentimes, doing the dishes isn't so bad if you feel like you have someone to boss around a bit while doing them!

    • Careful (0 / 0)

      One thing I notice about these shows is that often the obvious issue is a couple with too many kids close together and the parents are overwhelmed.

      Some may view that "too many" as just right.  We have three children approximately two years apart.  So far, it's working very well with us.  I have relatives with similar mixes.  In my case, I was kind of in a use it or lose it place regarding fertility due to endometriosis.  We had to ttc as soon as possible in between children or risk my losing my one good tube.  When deciding whether to go for #3 it came down to the thought that I would regret the child I didn't have more than the one I may have.  While I'm pretty certain we're done, I don't think we'd deserve judgment about our number of children or spacing from anyone.

  • I love Supernanny (0 / 0)

    I have thought of reporting Liza on more than one occassion believe me..

  • I dunno (0 / 0)

    I think her answer on the potty training is incredibly unhelpful. I read it as, "Just do it, You Ninny!"

    No mention or advice of how much poop and pee that woman might be cleaning out of the carpet in the diaper-free week (or month).

    • Actually (0 / 0)

      "Just do it" -- was the only advice that really worked with our kid. She was an over age three girl of normal intelligence, she understood WHAT we wanted her to do, she just didn't want to do it.

      Her preschool teacher just took away the pull-ups and had me bring several sets of clean clothes. Seeing this woman handle my kid in a room with 15 other 3 year olds made me feel confident enough to do it at home.

      Yep, she ruined a throw rug, but after a couple of weeks she was completely day trained. Its a total YMMV siutation, but in my case was exactly what I needed to hear. :)

      • Might have worked for us (0 / 0)

        if we'd had her in a room full of other kids. But just home alone, she was plenty happy to sit in her own pee, etc., rather than stop what she was doing.

        I didn't have much luck until I found a book called "Dry all Night" which had a story about a child who wanted to be Dry All Night so she could go on a sleepover at a friend's house. THAT was what got through to her - finally she understood why this was an important issue.

        • I agree wtih you (0 / 0)

          Our son was three and a half and still in diapers.  Plus I had an 8 month old baby in diapers, of course.

          My mom and my in laws and our older siblings were so critical of us.  It wasn't like I hadn't tried everything--Geez!

          But he absolutely was NOT interested until he started pre-school and realized he was the only one still in diapers.  He finally decided it was time.

      • If a child is past a certain age, (0 / 0)

        I do think it can work...after our first, we purposely waited until after three to potty train so we could just tell them to "do it".  And they "did it" fairly well, with a few glitches along the way.

      • That rug really tied the room together. (0 / 0)

        sorry- i couldn't help it.

        xoxo

    • I don't think she meant diaper free as in (0 / 0)

      NOTHING on his butt I think she meant - underwear only, no pullups -- diapers only at night

    • Use that stuff for cat pee (0 / 0)

      You can buy it at Pet Shops called Natures Miracle.  It will clean anything and get rid of the smell completely.  Be sure to shake it really well and use tons of it and let it sit a few minutes.  Poop usually takes a few applications but it will come out as it is an organic. Kids make mistakes while training even when they are older, it cant be avoided, it is part of having children.  It is just pee for goodness sakes!

  • I don't watch the show (0 / 0)

    but I wonder if she ever does followups. Does it just end up being a temporary fix while Frost is there, or do families see long term improvement?

    • Someone asked her that... (0 / 0)

      and she said she wanted to start following up on families to see if they are still using her advice.

      • One of the things I suspect (0 / 0)

        Is that a lot of the reason that things get better is that the parents stay home and focus only on parenting for that week or whatever that she's there.

        One of the reasons that training animals (dogs and horses in my case) is far easier for me is because when I'm working with a horse, for example, I am completely focused on him for the hour or so I'm working with him. No one calls me in the middle of an equine temper tantrum and expects to have a conversation with me. I'm not trying to do my taxes while I'm teaching a young horse to lead. When I'm done I put him away and he's out in a field for 23 hours (say) before I start again.

        On the other hand, my toddler was with me pretty much 24/7 and I needed to train her while I was doing all those things: doing taxes, working with a looming deadline, talking on the phone with clients, making dinner, etc. Trying to be consistent in that environment with multiple priorities is considerably more difficult.

  • let (0 / 0)

    I can't believe, that parents let themselves and their children be filmed in those situations, for all eternity, and to be played on national TV.  Makes me wonder about the parents' judgement, it really does.

    And they'll all be like, "Supernanny, you're our last hope!" Last hope?  There was no psychologist or relative or anyone else that could have helped you work through these problems.  Airing them all on national TV  for us to ogle at make ourselves feel like better parents than you was the only answer?

    That being said, I am guilty of watching it myself, and with that, part of the problem.

    • Cost? (0 / 0)

      I wonder sometimes, too, but if there's distance to family, you can't afford to pay for a professional, maybe TV allows you to get a service you wouldn't otherwise get? That's certainly been my impression of other reality TV I've seen (and also how they get people to go on these courtroom shows).

      "You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd."

      by Expat Briton on Fri May 09, 2008 at 10:41:26 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • cost (0 / 0)

        Cost plays in.  But it sure seems like a high cost to pay for some professional advice.  I can't imagine if my parents had done something like that to me when I was a kid.

        Or maybe it's just, as Jon Stewart says, "People like to be on the tee vee."

      • I think families are paid (0 / 0)

        I'm not 100% sure of this, but I'm pretty sure families on that show are paid for participation.  I do wonder about what that kind of publicity does to kids in the long run, though.  Even in their communities at the time of airing -- you're so bad you needed to be on Supernanny -- that kind of thing.

        I haven't watched in a long while, since we don't normally watch Network TV, but now I'm curious about it again.  What day is it usually on?

    • I wonder (0 / 0)

      Some peeps really do still think that counselors and therapists are for crazy people, or people with really "serious" problems only. Would make them feel too vulnerable. Plus therapists won't come to your house.

      And I think some people don't know anybody who has ever gone to a therapist, and it honestly might not even occur to them?

      I have only seen the show a couple of times, and honestly I think the only time I felt like someone would be embarrased - or maybe should - was this pontificating dad whose idea of helping and disciplining  his son about homework was to berate and belittle him. He was horrible, but he thought he was right on the money.  

  • I watch occasionally (0 / 0)

    although sometimes the thought of spending my only kid-free part of the day watching others deal with unruly children is about the last thing in the world I feel like doing. When I am in the mood, I generally look for little gems that I can use with my own kids.

    I usually don't have complaints about my kids' behavior. They're both easy enough to please and generally not defiant. And no one is in doubt about whose in charge. That'd be me.

    But one time we were on vacation and DS#1 was supposed to be sleeping in a pack-n-play. He decided he was going to climb out after bed time and run around our friend's house instead. I used a technique I saw on Supernanny where I sat right next to the p-n-p and every time he tried to climb out, I gently put him back him. No talking, no niceties. No yelling either. Just kept putting him back. He ended up crying and it wasn't easy, but it worked. The rest of the vacation, he stayed in there once we put him to bed. Thanks Jo!

    • I guess I get grumpy (0 / 0)

      Whenever I'm told that something will work for me (with the implication that if it does not, I'm doing it wrong).  :-) Some things do, some things don't.

      For example, offering choices? I do that. It doesn't work very well for DD; she'll refuse to choose and having me choose doesn't solve it either. So, for example, I can offer her a choice relating to toothbrushing and instead I'll just get a tantrum. "Neither!! I don't want to do it at all!" she'll shriek. Goes downhill from there.

      On the other hand, what does work (not for much longer!) is, "Bet you can't brush your teeth longer than I can!"  

      "I can, I can" she shouts, and rushes there lickety split.

      The girl loves races.

      • You daughter must be a soul sister (0 / 0)

        to a couple of mine.  I have a nearly 22 year old daughter that to this day, you can't ask her what she'd like to eat, what she'd like as a gift, etc.  Giving options never helped, either.  In fact, she's rather insulted that I would dare to do so.  And to make matters worse, somehow, she's angry because my options don't suit her!  I'm supposed to read the girl's mind, I guess.  

        To be fair, I do have children for whom everything must be their choice.  Over the years, I've gotten pretty cagey about framing options in a way that assures they'll do or choose something pretty close to what I want.

        They are all different.  And mine are all old enough that if anyone suggested one method would work on all of them, well, they'd be very, very insulted.

  • Jo Frost saved us! (0 / 0)

    We sleeptrained our 3 year old and 2 year old using the Supernanny method and it worked wonderful.  My husband and I were held captive each night by those two girls for hours.  One could not go to sleep without him in the room and the other wanted me to hold her.  It was horrible.  One of those things that snuck up on us over time.  My youngest was adopted so I had to be careful with teaching her to sleep due to bonding issues.  So we bit hte bullet and at the same time he trained one while I trained the other.  We spent quite a few nights sitting in the floor of their rooms and then finally just outside their cracked doors.  Now they both go to thier own beds, fall asleep on their own but best of all, they rarely wake at night and if they do, they can get themselves back to sleep.

  • I've seen supernanny do some really great things (0 / 0)

    especially surrounding intersibling violence and uncontrollable children (I remember one episode where these children would just let themselves out of the house and tell no one, and even sneak out, it was terrifying!).

    Having said that, I am an attachment parent, and I don't believe in forcing a child to adapt to a feeding schedule or that a baby should self soothe.  Baby's are their own guides, they're all individual, and just because something works (as in you've gotten child _________years old to self soothe (which I think isn't appropriate under the age of 2 (IMHO, grain of salt, my parenting philosophy, fwiw, etc., ad nauseam)).

    It's not amazing children are able to adapt to our lives, humans are very adaptable.  But setting up some arbitrary standard and then ignoring the signs or frustrations expressed by a young child is not good.  

    millions of years of evolution have made the early infant-caregiver interaction work in a certain way, children are their own guidebooks, they tell you everything they need and when they need it.  Using their early adaptive behaviors to meet some goal or standard based on societies standards of what children should do is always questionable in my opinion (ad nauseam you get the idea).

    So, if your goal is to force your young child or infant to meet our short-term, non-evidence based, capitalist driven behaviors, then it works.  Kids will do what they have to do.  

    • I agree with this (0 / 0)

      I've never seen the show, but from what I have heard, I think I would probably not agree with Supernanny on some things.  Alfie Kohn (author of Punished By Rewards) wrote this article about Supernanny that I thought was really interesting.  It's called "Atrocious Advice from Supernanny":  http://www.alfiekohn.org/...

      • What a GREAT article (0 / 0)

        wow, so much more eloquent.  I think there is a happy medium as one poster has implied, but children are human beings, they aren't property, they have rights, and arbitrary goals, obedience for the simple sake of obedience is actually quite disturbing to me. My daughter starts Kindergarten this year, let the autocratic behaviorism begin.

      • I don't know (0 / 0)

        I've seen parents who do all reasoning and talking with no consequences and the results are not good.  My nephews on DH's side are kind of like this and they're a little scary.  It's like there's little or no conscience.  Maybe a balance between the two approaches is a good thing

        BTW I wouldn't agree with Supernanny on everything either.  I probably wouldn't agree with some things anybody says.  That's human nature.  I think you need to take what is useful to you and disregard the rest.

        • no consequences (0 / 0)

          I think that falls into the category of careless parenting.  The parents who patiently talk to their kids but don't follow through with expectations (because they don't want their children to be mad at them) are really no different than the ones who yell at their kids without teaching the behaviors they want to see (because they're clueless or don't have the patience?).  I think both styles are deeply unsettling to children and can generate bigger and bigger behaviors as the kids try to figure out where the boundaries are.

          I have had parents come to me about misbehaving children and when I explain how to positively reinforce desired behaviors and learn to extinguish negative behaviors, they say, "Oh, that sounds like a lot of work.  Isn't there another way?"  Um, no.  Suck it up and parent.  Some kids are objectively tougher than others but it is still up to the adult to see that the child learns how to treat people well, otherwise the child's life will be much harder than it needs to be.

          • Great post, mamacita (0 / 0)

            I think you nailed it.  There are people who will argue that yelling is better than letting the kids run roughshod, and vice versa, and I think that's a bogus argument - both are signs of lousy parenting.

            FWIW I hate the supernanny - and I described myself as authoritarian in another thread!  To me it's a little like watching ER.  The emergency room isn't an ideal model for health care, but when a patient is actually dying on a table it's OK to bring out the electric shock paddles.  The goal, though, is to avoid the paddles in the future via appropriate medical management.  I've always wondered if there was any followup to teach these dysfunctional families how to parent.

    • Thanks (0 / 0)

      I was thinking this, but you put it so much better than I did. I haven't watched SuperNanny very often, but usually when I do I get freaked out by something that she advises...

    • Isn't there a balance though? (0 / 0)

      I think people call in Supernanny because they've let things go to hell - usually these are babies they're dealing with but children who have been allowed to do anything they like.   The kids (and I've only seen the show maybe twice) don't have any rules - at all - they aren't asked to respect their parents like you would even if you were allowing the child to develop at their own pace.  

      I don't know much about attachment parenting but I suspect you wouldn't just stand by as your daughter drew on your walls or anything.  You'd redirect and get her to help you clean it.  

      The whole setting up of rules and charts is beyond me but for these families profiled it seems like they have no common sense regarding parenting at all - if you yell at your kids all the time then why are you surprised when your kids yell?  They're a bit doughheaded....

      The other thing though is that while you may be quite comfortable letting your child lead there are people who cannot do that - while I co-slept happily I know people who cannot sleep at all if the baby is in their bed.  They need some kind of system to help or they won't be able to function.  

      I think it's really a balance of what can work, what does work (for your child) and a bunch of people who are so clued out about expectations for children's behaviour that they have to call in a reality show to help them out.  

      "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly"

      by lonestar canuck on Sat May 10, 2008 at 07:21:01 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • Well, yeah.... (0 / 0)

      I'm one who's fought for over 20 years precisely because I just cannot justify treating children in any way other than as human beings.  Having said that, I'm not sure what behavior some of these kids are modeling....our type of parenting can only work if one spends a lot of time making sure that children are coming from an authentic place with all of this.  

      Sadly, I've seen out of control children who are out of control because they haven't had nearly enough attachment and its highly unlikely that they're going to get it five or ten years into their lives.  Maybe at that point, other means have to be considered.

      And ofcourse, having said all of that, it all falls in nicely with my "don't sweat the small stuff" method of child rearing....try as I might, I just can't get too exercised if my child(ren) are loud in their thoughts and opinions , questioning, and demanding of answers.    Try as I might, I just can't see that this is a bad thing.  

      • That's very true. (0 / 0)

        It's very easy to feel superior and say "I'd never do that!". But I'm not in the same place as those parents (and I really hope that I never am). Who knows what I would do in their shoes?

        I'm with you in the "don't sweat the small stuff" method. DH and I just discussed this last night...we seem to look like such laid back parents. But that's only in comparison to some of the seriously involved parents that we hang out with! One of our friends has a son my daughter's age (they're currently best friends). DD had a cold last week and we kept her home from school for a couple of days (only to keep her from snotting all over the other kids...she was fine)...but this kids' mom had him at the doctor three times. For the same cold. One time, he had spiked a fever at night, and she noticed a raised bug bite at the same time. She freaked out and spent the entire night taking pulse, temperature, and respiration rate readings. She rocked up to the doctor the next day, who of course said "No, it's a cold and a mosquito bite." And gave her the crazy woman look. Which offended her. See why we look laid back? :)

        Anyway...as much as I don't much like some of the Supernanny's methods...I don't have to use them. So they aren't aimed at me. I'll just keep feeling smug until we hit the teenage years. Then you'll see us appearing on "Brat Camp".

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