Mother Talkers

Pregnancy Does Not Make Me Public Property

by Inky

Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:37:46 PM PDT

To the man in the market today, and all others like him:  Just because I, or any woman, is visibly pregnant, we are not public property.  The rules of decorum, courtesy, and decency still apply.  My bulging belly does not give you license to stop minding your own damn business.  Touching women without permission is not okay, nor is commenting on their body size, shape, or type.  Nor does my gestating state give you liberty to comment on what I am or am not putting into my body at any given time.

Today at the market, I was contemplating the choices of "acceptable margarines" that I must learn to use because of DH's insanely high cholesterol.  A young man walks up from behind me and the following exchange  (basically; I have forgotten some of the details in my rage) ensues:

Man:  I don't mean to alarm you ...
Me:  (looks around, wonders who he is talking to, realizes it's me, wonders if I dropped my cell phone or something)
Man: I don't mean to alarm you but ... Twins?
Me: What?
Man:  Are you having twins?  You're really, you know, BIG.
Me:  (totally stunned) No, I'm just about full term.
Man:  Because my sister had a baby, and she was big.  And you know, you are really, really BIG.
Me: Ah.  (I turn back to the butter, completely stunned that this is happening)
Man: blah, blah, blah ... You're SO BIG ... blah, blah, blah ... So, you know, good luck with everything, the baby, and all.

I was absolutely shocked speechless.  It was so unbelievable to me that this person was actually saying this to me, that I just didn't know how to respond.  I finally came around enough to start muttering to myself about how this would never, ever happen to someone who wasn't pregnant, and what makes people think this is okay, etc.  The jerk was still in the aisle and probably overheard me.

I quickly called my best friend to rant before I became the crazy lady screaming at herself in the dairy aisle.  Telling her what had happened, I decided to start looking for the guy.  I was going to give him a piece of my mind, for the sake of pregnant women everywhere.  Of course, I couldn't find him.  Which really makes me angry; at myself, for not keeping my wits enough to respond right then.  

And not that anyone needs to justify their body type ever, but to shed a little light on the visual:  I am 35 weeks pregnant, measuring right at 35 weeks, carrying kind of high.  I weighed 154 lbs before I got pregnant, and now weigh 189.  I'm 5' 7".  From the front, I am enormously pregnant, from the back, you can't really tell.  I am, as they say "all belly".  All in all, I'm a pretty average looking 9 months pregnant woman.

The reason I bring up those stats is to ask you all, is it simply that Americans have no concept of what a pregnant woman is supposed to look like?  Really?  Have we gotten that out of touch?  And why do people take such license with pregnant women?  Would these people walk up to an obese person and say "I don't mean to alarm you, but you are really, really super fat.  Like, you might have a heart attack any minute." Would they walk up to someone with a deformity and start touching them (luckily, the guy didn't try to rub my belly, or I would have decked him)?  Or are people just rude and crass?

Either way, next time, I won't be stunned speechless.

Tags: pregnancy, rudeness (all tags)

Permalink | 56 comments

  • Hmmm.... (0 / 0)

    I experienced much the same when I was pregnant.  It probably didn't help that I started out very thin, and grew these enormous bellies...

    Anyway.  My theory about men:  I think they're a bit turned on by pregnant women.  Not sure why, not sure its the same reason for all men.  The fascination is there for many, however.

    I think often women share that fascination, but in my more catty moments, I think they really liked the idea that I looked really big and had gained lots of weight.

    by tjb22 on Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:40:54 PM PDT

    • You're right (0 / 0)

      I was hit on at nine months with Simone.  I was in a hideous dress, and I was mortified!  

      by Erin on Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:50:57 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Omigosh (0 / 0)

        Maybe it was a really lame come on! That makes more sense than thinking a woman doesn't know if she's having twins.

        by RachelD on Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:57:19 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • Well, I AM pretty darned sexy! (0 / 0)

          Maybe that guy was all turned on by me.  Maybe he was so attracted to my sheer roundness and magnitude that he had to figure out a way to talk to me. I could understand that.  I am just a big giant sex goddess, really.

          by Inky on Tue May 06, 2008 at 02:00:48 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • As I was getting out of the tub (0 / 0)

            LATE in my first pregnancy, my husband commented, "You look just like... the VEnus of Willendorf!" with this delighted smile on his face.

            I, myself, was not that thrilled to hear it. I believe I may have burst into tears, and waddled from the room.

            Later I thought it was so cute that my husband is cultured enough to drop that reference, but clueless enough to SAY IT TO MY FACE!

            Big, giant sex goddesses RULE!

            by Suzanne77 on Wed May 07, 2008 at 04:44:15 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • Hee hee (0 / 0)

              My DH and I were fooling around back in high school , and he caught a glimpse of the stretch marks on my hips.  He touched them lightly and said, "Wow, cool.  Tiger stripes."  (He was 18).

              I burst into tears and left his house.

              Needless to say, we talked it over later, and he was befuddled at my reaction.  He'd never seen such a thing before and thought they were cute.

              What do you mean, uh-oh? baby pictures

              by round peg inna square hole on Sat May 10, 2008 at 11:42:35 AM PDT

              [ Parent ]

      • My husband admits (0 / 0)

        that he finds pregnant women very sexy.  Something about that "fruitful" thing, I guess....

        by tjb22 on Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:59:04 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • What an idiot! (0 / 0)

    What exactly was he trying to accomplish?  Maybe he's just socially inept.

    How are you, btw?  Do you know what you're having?  How are things with your mom?

    by Erin on Mon May 05, 2008 at 08:52:12 PM PDT

    • Mostly, I'm tired (0 / 0)

      We don't know what I'm having, but I'm hoping for a girl.  The theory is that after going through labor, I won't be disappointed if it's a boy.

      My mom actually got to come home yesterday, but has been having a rough time with the transition.  My poor sister has been dealing with it basically by her self, as DS came down with the croup last night and I can't take him near mom for fear of it spreading.  But hopefully she will get more settled at home, rest, and heal.  Chemo will start in about 2 weeks, and we are hoping that she'll be able to be here with us for the birth.  Now, if only all the "family politics" would stop!

      by Inky on Tue May 06, 2008 at 02:08:09 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Doofus (0 / 0)

    The guy was one.  The world is full of them.  

    FWIW I'm about your height and non-pregnancy weight.  Like you, I carried out front for each pregnancy.  I was well over 200 lbs each pregancy and heard that a lot.  My second child was actually the size of very healthy twins who wouldn't need to go to the NICU so I suppose it was warranted to some extent but it's still freakin rude.

    by music teacher on Mon May 05, 2008 at 10:33:51 PM PDT

  • Always... (0 / 0)

    It constantly happened to me when I was pregnant. I'm about 115 lbs and 5'3" when I'm not pregnant...and I put on 62 lbs with both pregnancies. I kid you not. I was huge. And it was mostly in my belly...so yeah, I looked big. But the constant comments!! My pregnancy brain didn't allow any clever responses, but one day my DH actually got fed up with it all. Some rather large woman was commenting on my body and DH snapped "Yeah, but in two months, she'll lose it all and have a baby. What's your excuse?!". Probably not the nicest thing to say to someone...but he was pretty tired of all the comments...as was I.

    by aussieyank on Tue May 06, 2008 at 03:46:29 AM PDT

  • Damn. (0 / 0)

    I would have been speechless, too.  Holy cow.  How totally clueless!  I have heard of women doing this too, though, so its not JUST men.  Hadn't thought of the turned on angle, though.  I'll have to ask DH.

    I hate to admit this, but I have never had this experience.  Being as sick as I am during pregnancy, I don't really get very big.  I am a petite preggo lady.  My neighbors were STUNNED when I came home with my full-term, born on her due date daughter, because they couldn't believe it was time already.  Right now, I'm wishing I did look a little more pregnant, because I'm tired of having to explain it to people.  "I"m twenty weeks."  "REALLY?"  "Yes, I've been very ill."  I must have that conversation once a day.  Its tiresome.

    by tessajp on Tue May 06, 2008 at 03:46:57 AM PDT

    • Yes, same here (0 / 0)

      most neighbours had no idea I was pregnant. I'm tall and fairly slender and my belly just does not get all that big in pregnancy. It was fairly cold until a few days before DD was born, so I was still wearing a fairly big wintery jacket, but still. At 20 weeks I was still wearing normal pants; at work many people found out only weeks before I went on leave at 36 weeks. The upside is that I, and supposedly you too, do not get many of the rude comments Inky just described.

      Are you feeling better these days?

      by SwissClogs on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:50:30 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Yes, I am, than ks! (0 / 0)

        The nausea is basically gone, but on comes the heartburn.  Heartburn is easier for me to deal with, though.

        Funny comment today at work:  my (male) boss said to me "There's finally more of you!"  To which I said "Gee, thanks" and then he thought for a second and said "I probably shouldn't have said that."  Hah.

        by tessajp on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:03:16 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • Oooh, pet peave of mine! (0 / 0)

    I hated it when people felt it was OK to touch my belly because I was pregnant - even friends. I mean, we don't normally rub bellies either, do we?! Bleh!

    On a similar note: my SIL recently had triplets and almost every single person who hears about this, whether from SIL, or anyone else related responds with 'wow, triplets... natural or IVF?' I mean, WTF! SIL's hubby tends to reply with 'no, we just practised a lot'.

    I really feel for you! I honestly have no idea why people feel this kind of stuff is OK with pregnant women. Hang in there, only a few more weeks to go!

    by SwissClogs on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:43:24 AM PDT

  • Ugh (0 / 0)

    Ugh. That's awful. He sounds like a weirdo or a big mouth or a combo of the two.

    I stopped going out towards the end with both pregnancies.  I couldn't take the staring anymore.

    by NJmom on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:54:54 AM PDT

  • My pal (0 / 0)

    had a cyst during her first pregnancy that really grew during the entire 9 months. It was basically the same size as the baby. So we went to get some maternity clothes and the freaking sales clerk (a woman!) was like, wow you're HUGE! Is it TWINS? Are you about to go into labor?!? HOW many weeks ARE you?

    She basically followed us around the store stunned that my pal apparently could walk, talk and make pruchases when encumbered by her mountainous belly...

    I was mortified, but my pal had developed a very sanguine attitude at this point and just blew her off. I think I would have gone postal!

    FWIW, I didn't think ehr belly was that big, or at all appropriate to comment on; especially by a maternity store clerk, I mean hadn't she seen a pregnant woman before?

    by Suzanne77 on Tue May 06, 2008 at 06:25:51 AM PDT

  • Having never (0 / 0)

    been pregnant myself, I have no personal experience. However, I have witnessed situations very similar to what Inky described and find it shocking. As an onlooker, I have been tempted to intervene on behalf of pregnant women having their bellies molested by strangers.

    A very peculiar phenomenon indeed.  

    I hope that your mother is doing well.

    by hardlyaclue on Tue May 06, 2008 at 06:37:09 AM PDT

  • i've found... (0 / 0)

    that when out and about, my usual public facial expression (a balance between terminal boredom and homicidal rage--very effective on the bus or train) does the trick (am 6 mos. pregnant, fyi).  It's really the people at work that are driving me up a wall, because I have to be semi-polite to them.  

    by judochick on Tue May 06, 2008 at 07:05:22 AM PDT

  • If have this vague memory.. (0 / 0)

    ..and it's the sort of vague memory that I'm not sure how much credence I should place in it, but I think one of our instinctive preprogramming reactions is to relate to and want to protect pregnant women, in some ways as if they're family. Definitely a sensible reaction in a lot of contexts, not so useful today. But it would explain why this seems to be a recurring theme from pregnant women - people just instinctively feel a relationship that isn't there.

    "You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd."

    by Expat Briton on Tue May 06, 2008 at 07:24:02 AM PDT

    • Yes, that and (0 / 0)

      just plain fascination. Perhaps those who have gone through pregnancy have forgotten how they viewed and interacted with pregnant woman before their own experience?

      At the risk of sounding like a total stoner, it's pretty trippy to think that a real human being could reside in the body of another human being. Yes, I realize that we have all had plenty of time to absorb and accept this concept but maybe it's fascinating because it's not as common a human experience as, say, breathing.

      by hardlyaclue on Thu May 08, 2008 at 07:39:13 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • I agree (0 / 0)

      I found people's interest in my belly endearing.  I often felt like I was surrounded by benevolence.  No one ever touched my tummy without asking first but if they asked, I think I always said yes.  I mean, it was pretty amazing that there was a baby in there.  I guess I had a sense that it was community property and not exclusively mine.  Takes a village and all that.

      I feel protective towards pregnant women and it does feel instinctual.  I don't overstep my bounds but there's definitely a feeling there of "Hey, you, out of the way.  Can't you see she's pregnant?"  Not in an infantalizing way, but more in a "Wow!" way.

      But I can definitely understand that to some pregnant women the comments and touching can seem invasive and impolite and most unwanted.

      by mamacita on Sat May 10, 2008 at 06:33:40 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • asdf (0 / 0)

    Conspiratorially wink at him and say, "Sshhh, I'm shoplifting watermelons."

    by jennifree2bme on Tue May 06, 2008 at 10:53:56 AM PDT

  • Clueless about pregnancy... (0 / 0)

    I'm one of the older people in my PhD program and I think I was one of the first pregnant people many of the other students had really known.  Because we all knew each other I think their inhibitions about asking questions were also clearly down.  And I got some hilarious ones.  People didn't know about maternity clothes, one person would say I was huge and another that I was really small within minutes of each other, one or two people didn't realize that you could feel the baby move.  And the postpartum belly was a shock to almost everyone...  I only wish all the weight left when the baby left...  So while I vote for this guy potentially being crass, I generally found a curiosity about pregnancy mixed with poor understanding of biology (what are people learning in school!?!) led to some really strange conversations.

    by capasb on Tue May 06, 2008 at 12:39:21 PM PDT

  • Brave or stupid? (0 / 0)

    I was amazed at the things seemingly normal people would say and do to me when I was pregnant, hormonal, and looking for an excuse to tell someone off.  Like:

    •  A hotel worker came around the counter to pat my belly
    •  Restaurant waitress spoke only to my belly, in baby talk
    •  A co-worker took food off my plate at a company event.  Seriously
    •  A dad at DD#1's school asked me if I was 1 or 2 weeks overdue when I was at 33 weeks
    •  Dozens of people, upon learning I was pregnant, asked if we had been trying.  What kind of question is that?  It's like asking if you know how pregnancy occurs, or how much sex, exactly, you were having.  

    Despite all this I couldn't reliably count on getting a seat on the bus or el until I was at about 38 weeks.  

    --R

    by Rocky on Tue May 06, 2008 at 12:54:40 PM PDT

    • urgh (0 / 0)

      that was one of my rants about living in London - English men were so awful about not giving me a seat. I once kept track for a whole week to give me some anecdotal, statistical evidence. Six times out of ten, if I got a seat, it was because a woman got up. The other 40 percent, the men? Not one single Englishman. In a deliberate attempt to try and figure out who was helping me out, I'd say "Gee, thanks," and such. Not one single English accent out of the men who replied back - Irish, Scottish, French, Indian/Pakistani, occasionally Australian, but no English-accentied replies.

      Worst offenders? Banker/financial-type men in pinstripe suits who hid themselves behind the Financial Times newspapers rather than meet my eye contact when I was looking for a seat.

      /rant

      by Rachel on Tue May 06, 2008 at 03:56:01 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Oh yes... (0 / 0)

        I had nothing but lovely people here in Australia. Men (and women) would constantly offer to help me with my groceries, carry them to the car for me, put them in. They'd instantly leap to their feet when I got on the train. It got to the point where I felt like I had to say "I'm okay!", just because everyone assumed that I needed help. But it was nice.

        In London (we traveled there when I was about six months pregnant...and definitely pregnant), people were really good at avoiding eye contact, just in case you might need help. I actually had an 80 year old woman on the Underground leap out of her seat to give it to me when no one else would. When I thanked her but refused, she started yelling at all the men surrounding us, telling them that they should be ashamed of themselves and if their grandmothers could see them, they'd be in huge trouble! :)

        by aussieyank on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:30:46 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • Yes!! Had identical experience once! (0 / 0)

          One morning when the train was absolutely packed and I was, like, six months on, I was standing next to this woman. The Banker types were studiously avoiding eye contact, so the woman standing next to me suddenly bellowed, "Isn't anyone going to offer you a seat, Luv?" I said, "Oh, I'm sure someone will once they notice me." Nothing. She then repeatedly, more loudly, "This is B*llocks. Isn't anyone going to offer you a seat, LUV?" Someone finally got up. It was so funny!

          Aussies are really lovely - when I use the stroller on the tram with Jess, there's usually three or four people who will leap up to help me get it on/off. It's nice.

          by Rachel on Tue May 06, 2008 at 05:54:17 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      • Same here in Amsterdam (0 / 0)

        When I was 35+ weeks pregnant with DD1 I asked two youngish people on a tram if I could have their seat saying I was pregnant (admittedly, I wasn't huge, but I surely did show clearly by then and I was exhausted) - they both refused giving some BS excuse. In the end DH very loudly asked in general if someone would giove up his/her seat for his very pregnant wife and finally one man reluctantly stood up. I was appalled (and disappointed). I gave birth to DD 3 days later.

        Nope, people here are NOT polite.

        by SwissClogs on Thu May 08, 2008 at 06:00:51 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • gross. (0 / 0)

          that's really appalling!

          How's little Fiemke (I know I'm misspelling) and your older daughter? How are you feeling?

          by Rachel on Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:04:51 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • Yep, we do beat the Brits hands down :-( (0 / 0)

            Thanks for asking!

            Femke (you were close) is doing very well. She nurses well and tends to sleep well too. She is a bit restless from time to time (mowing with her arms and keeping herself awake), but I have found that it helps to wrap her tightly in cloth (don't know the english term for it). She is already on six feedings and grows very fast, so we're doing well.

            Sanne (DD1) has taken it all really well and seems back to her old self. She was a bit shaken the first week r so, but she was very sweet to Femke right from the start. She's been great!

            I'm doing very well myself. Recovery is much quicker this time around and I was out on my bike after little more than a week. By then I was also back to wearing my normal clothes again (gotta love nursing!), which certainly helps me feel normal again. I do still try to nap every afternoon, because the nights are still interrupted at least once. Also, we're having a lovely summery spell (25 C for over a week now and it is forecast to last until Monday at least), which I really enjoy.

            Today I had my first half day alone with both girls, which was tiring, but we managed. And I did get to nap, so not all is bad. Must say I'm happy that DH for now is home at least part of the day on days thatDD1 does not go to daycare. It's quite tricky to concentrate on nursing when a toddler needs to be entertained. I'm sure we'll all get the hang of it though.

            Oops, sorry for the long reply. Gotto go nurse again :-)
            And how are you? Not too bummed by autumn, I hope?

            by SwissClogs on Fri May 09, 2008 at 06:58:24 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • sounds good! (0 / 0)

              Wonderful that both girls are doing so well and adjusting to each other. Swaddling (the tight wrapping) really does help with the newborns, doesn't it? It used to totally comfort Jess.

              I'm glad to hear that you've recovered well and are back on the bike and in pre-pregnancy clothes. I remember fitting back into my jeans when Jess was about 4 weeks old, and it felt fantastic.

              All good here; autumn is a good deal in Melbourne - we get days around 20 degrees and nights around 10 degrees. Sun is up by 7.30 and sets around 5.30, so altogether quite civilised! We're actually spending more time outside than we would at the height of summer; when it's 40 degrees and the sun is intense, there's no reason to go to the park. But now, we spend a couple of hours outdoors and really enjoy it.

              by Rachel on Sat May 10, 2008 at 04:35:21 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

        • gotta love the Dutch (0 / 0)

          It's almost refreshing to have people be rude to your face rather than behind your back.  Almost.  

          --R

          by Rocky on Fri May 09, 2008 at 06:13:30 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • You know (0 / 0)

            I know we're a pretty blunt bunch, and that Amsterdam is worse than elsewhere in the country, but I was pretty gobsmacked at that one. In a way it was good that DD was born so soon after that, because I don't think I would have been riding any trams anymore. I did still cycle though.

            Oh well.

            by SwissClogs on Fri May 09, 2008 at 06:47:22 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  • Grrrr (0 / 0)

    This is terrible! I'm so sorry this happened to you. Obviously the guy is a total idiot, but it sucks that you were left feeling enraged.

    I have no explanations for why people do this. I had a similar thing happen in which a guy who worked at a store I was in looked at me and said, "Let me guess, twins?" I kinda of chuckled, but I was so pissed. I wished later I had thought of something clever to say.

    by Stacey on Tue May 06, 2008 at 01:55:24 PM PDT

  • A really nice teacher (0 / 0)

    at my daughter's school greets all of the children coming in from the car drop off line. He says Good Morning to all the kids, helps them out of the car etc. Sweet guy.

    Anyhow, he kinda eyeballs me a few days ago and says, "End of May, Mom?" I reply tiredly, "End of JUNE actually, thanks!"

    I was kind of annoyed, but then I went to my OB/GYN later that day... I am measuring exactly 4 weeks bigger than my dates! Mr. H is like that "guess your weight" guy at the fair!!!

    by Suzanne77 on Wed May 07, 2008 at 04:50:37 AM PDT

  • When I was pregnant with my (0 / 0)

    first which was a millennium ago, I do recall the people in the office where I worked naming me big bird the day I showed up in a yellow maternity dress for work.  I didn't really like the comment very much.  I thought I looked particularly well that day....I will admit I cared my 9.3 baby all in front with little increase in any other area of my body so that I looked as if I had a gigantic beach ball up my dress.

    I don't remember many people touching me --- but this was years ago, so maybe that behavior has changed with the increasing lack of any type of boundary in our culture and the advent of shows like JACKASS...and WIFESWAP.

    Who can figure it?   People are confounding.

    karen

    by karen m on Wed May 07, 2008 at 08:08:15 PM PDT

  • My friend is due almsot the same time as me (0 / 0)

    I went to visit her a few months ago when we both were starting to really show. We had a nice visit and then as I was getting ready to leave I hugged her hubby good bye and then he reached out and patted me on the belly. Really fondly. And then he looked HORRIFIED and started stammering an apology. I laughed so hard.

    It was just so cute. I could tell he was just feeling really fondly towards baby bellies right then. He's a nice man!

    by Suzanne77 on Thu May 08, 2008 at 05:10:24 AM PDT

  • I guess this was an advantage (0 / 0)

    ...of being overweight when pregnant; I never really had the classic "baby bump" stomach.  And while a seat on BART once or twice might have been nice, with the exhaustion, nausea, and sciatica I would have killed anyone who touched me. It all works out. :)

    by Annora on Fri May 09, 2008 at 09:24:55 AM PDT

  • my plan (0 / 0)

    when this happens (when I get pregnant, not that I'm trying right now), is to respond to questions with something like, "Actually, it's just one huge alien baby.  We were hoping for a human baby, but it looks like we are TOL."  Hearing your stories is helping me prepare clever responses, but who knows what it will be like when I'm actually pregnant (the horror of people's rudenesses, hormones, etc.).

    Since I'm also hoping not to know the gender of the baby, the whole "We're hoping for a human baby" line will have many fun uses!

    by liturgygeek on Fri May 09, 2008 at 10:06:26 PM PDT

Permalink | 56 comments