Mother Talkers

Another Good BPN Question

by Elisa

Fri May 16, 2008 at 09:01:44 AM PDT

Sorry to inundate you with so many items from the Berkeley Parents Network newsletter. But it really is interesting and helpful -- and conducive to some of the discussion here.

Work-life balance is something we discuss a lot here. What do you deem "enough time" for your children? Check out this letter:

I have a very socially demanding almost 3-year old. She wants non-stop conversation, and it wears me out. She receives a LOT of attention, from my partner (who is a stay at home mom), from her preschool teacher (she goes to preschool 18 hours a week), and from me (I spend time with her before work as well as from 6:30-9:00pm weekdays and all day weekends), yet it is never enough. We have two other children who aren't as demanding (and who sleep more) who also need attention, and it would be great for my mental health (and for my partner's) to get some time to myself/ourselves (which we never do). And the less attention the almost 3 year old gets, the more she acts out. We're willing to put limits on her, but I'm not sure where the limits should be. What is the balance between putting my kids first and keeping my sanity? I feel guilty for time I have ''free'' that I'm not spending with my kids, yet I often end up resentful. (I should note that I love spending time with them, but as an introvert I also love time to myself.) So I ask you, kind advisors, how much time do you think the working parent should spend with his or her children each week, and how much time does the working parent actually spend with your children (if you could note how many children you have that would be helpful)?
-introvert parent of an extrovert

I feel this writer's pain. Eli is already 13 months old and her daily 6 a.m. wake up call has gotten tiresome. She still doesn't walk, but demands to hold my hand and walk around the house. Sometimes for an hour. If I don't comply? Watch out! Zero to three is rough -- at least it is for me.

Nonetheless, I do take time for myself even if it's for only an hour so I can work out. My husband usually takes the kids on a walk and I repay the favor so he can get alone time, too. I figure as long as we eat together as a family in the evenings -- when we can, meaning DH is not gone on a business trip -- and the quality of the time with the kids is interactive, quantity is not the be-all, end-all. What do you think? How do you break up your time between work, kids and personal downtime?

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Tags: Berkeley Parents Network, introvert, extrovert (all tags)

Permalink | 24 comments

  • Why, why, why? (0 / 0)

    Simone needs constant interaction (and receives a lot of attention) and is constantly asking why.  I love how sweet she is, but it is very difficult, since I need a lot of solitude.  I feel like however much attention I lavish on her, it's never enough.  Like the writer, it's the kind of thing that's difficult to know how to put limits on this kind of behavior, because wanting to talk or spend time together isn't exactly misbehavior.  But it is draining.  I feel bad about getting irritated with her.

    by Erin on Fri May 16, 2008 at 09:08:12 AM PDT

    • puzzling (0 / 0)

      it's the kind of thing that's difficult to know how to put limits on this kind of behavior

      Curiously, how would one do that and not feel "neglectful"? Lock a little kid in a room and say "play by yourself darn it!?!? My niece is like this- she needs to be stimulated and now, at 7, can't really stimulate herself enough (her mantra "I'm BORED" is so annoying). A million suggestions do nothing for her if she has to execute the activity herlsef.

      I am thankful Lily is big on the independent play. It lets me veg when I need to.

      by lilianna28 on Fri May 16, 2008 at 10:38:37 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • I could have written this (0 / 0)

      10 years ago.  DS was born highly sociable.  To him, asking him to play alone or occupy himself quietly for a few minutes was really pretty hurtful.  Now, at 14, he appreciates his privacy and downtime, but at 1, 2, 3, 4, 8, 9.... he talked and asked questions and requested company virtually any time he was awake.  Naps were a lifesaver, as was having a spouse to share the onslaught, and regular playdates.

      Because I really believed that tolerating solitude was painful for him -- a need rather than a preference -- I did my best to provide him with attention and activities (playing ball, playing cards, reading, playing clapping games, drawing --  always trying to think of something fun we could do while I was lying down), which was quite a stretch for me.  (His wonderful babysitter seemed to have this capacity naturally, which was a huge help.) It was lucky for me that I enjoyed his personality but the constant demands made me edgy and ashamed. I sometimes said, "You need to be quiet for five minutes," and then set the timer.  He literally mourned until it went off.

      Now that he's in his monosyllabic stage, it's kind of funny to think of what a little narrator he used to be.

      by mamacita on Fri May 16, 2008 at 07:09:30 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • snort.... (0 / 0)

        It's so comforting to hear that I'm not the only one. We call our daughter our personal narrator. She seriously never stops talking. She even talks in her sleep. And I frequently find myself shrieking (in the afternoon, at the end of a long and trying day) "Five minutes! I just need five minutes of silence!!" She can't do it. I think we may have managed one minute...maybe. With sign language.

        by aussieyank on Fri May 16, 2008 at 09:20:10 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I'll sometimes say to Jess (0 / 0)

          "Five Minutes!" and she'll now say, "No way. I want talk noooooooow!"

          FWIW, she is pretty good on independent play. Make that very good on independent play, so when she does come to me for some interactivity/dialogue/Look At ME! time, she really needs it to recharge.

          by Rachel on Sat May 17, 2008 at 12:18:41 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      • She's at her most verbal (0 / 0)

        in the car.  I try to look at "why" as "I'd like to discuss this further" instead of "explain".  But still, it's hard.  Sometimes I'm able to get her to play giraffe for short periods of time.  Very short.  But I always remember how much I'll miss it when she's older.

        Your son is still sweet and still talks to you though, yes?  Even if it's less then during his early childhood?  Maybe that's the silver lining.

        My daughter reminds me a little of my mother, who also never shuts up.

        by Erin on Fri May 16, 2008 at 11:03:05 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • From the moment I became a mother, (0 / 0)

    I carved out an hour or two each afternoon for myself.  We did this through "nap time".  "Nap time" was not optional.  Until going to school, children took a nap after lunch.  Yeah, so I couldn't make them sleep on demand...I could, however, put them in their rooms and allow them to watch TV or a video with the understanding that this was "down time", for me and for them.  This must have worked...my kids still understand that after lunch, I have "down time".  

    Doing this allowed me to be more fully present with all of them in the later afternoon and evening.  I could handle having the child(ren) trailing after me chattering away while I went about my usual tasks.  I could even interact.  Without that hour or so a day to myself, I would not have been a parent they would have wanted to be around.

    by tjb22 on Fri May 16, 2008 at 09:24:37 AM PDT

    • Quiet time (0 / 0)

      This was my mom's iron-clad rule.  She didn't care what we did, but we were in our rooms for two hours after lunch until we went to school.  The funny thing is, as pre-schoolers, more often than not, we did fall asleep even when we protested we didn't need a nap.  

      My brothers shared a room, so maybe they entertained each other, but I was alone and I do remember occupying myself with books or my dolls.  It probably helped me learn to self-entertain.  I'm still the kind of person who loves to have others around, but if it's just me, I'm still perfectly content.

      by cynmill on Fri May 16, 2008 at 01:23:07 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • You know, I think (0 / 0)

        I might have gotten this from my mother, too.  And I do think its good for kids.  Even though mine often "napped" or spent "down time" together, it was a means of helping them understand the idea of restoring one's self to keep from becoming overwhelmed.

        by tjb22 on Fri May 16, 2008 at 01:43:20 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    • structure and daily routine.. (0 / 0)

      sounds like you built that into your parenting...me too. it may sound a tad harsh but a child of nearly 3 that demands constant attention probably could use some training.  naps are one solution.  i wouldn't have survived parenting if i never had time to myself and not just once in a while...daily!

      by parentalunit1 on Fri May 16, 2008 at 03:20:22 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • We're trying to figure out quiet time (0 / 0)

      My son is now 3.5, and stopped napping right around 3.  He's a very independent kid and was always happy to hang out in his room alone, so we started a quiet time after lunch.  But I'm thinking of giving it up now.  He's in preschool in the mornings, and his quiet time coincides with his younger brother's nap time.  This sounds ideal, but it means my older kid doesn't ever really get a chance to do puzzles, set up his trains, etc. without his younger brother messing things up.  So I've found if I don't give him the quiet time, he'll just play happily independently for a long while while I can get stuff done.  Since he doesn't have toys in his bedroom, I think this makes the most sense now, but worry that if I give up on quiet time I'll never get it back.

      by Treena on Sat May 17, 2008 at 03:48:50 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • seems like (0 / 0)

        if he's playing quietly and happily on his own and you're able to do other stuff, you've achieved the objective, no?

        by mamacita on Sat May 17, 2008 at 09:02:27 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • for now, it's fine (0 / 0)

          I'm just worried that he'll start getting needy/annoying during that time, and I won't be able to back track and have him do rests in his room again without a struggle.  Right now, he totally accepts that quiet time in his room is what we do, so it's not a battle.

          by Treena on Sun May 18, 2008 at 06:30:59 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • I feel your pain. We always had an hour of quiet (0 / 0)

    time after lunch.  No tv or dvd, but books and toys.  She just had to play quietly.

    by OldMother on Fri May 16, 2008 at 10:02:57 AM PDT

  • unsolicited advice (0 / 0)

    but Eli sounds so much like my DS at that age, I thought I'd share what I did in case you want to try it.

    DD started walking at 9 mos. DS started walking if he was holding someone's hand at 10 mos. At 13 mos. he still would not walk by himself. My back had taken all it could. I knew he could do it by himself, if he just would. One day, I decided I wasn't going to walk around holding his hand anymore. I refused. And he cried, and wailed and howled. It was a really rough day. But the next day, he walked by himself.

    Maybe I just got lucky, maybe it wouldn't work for Eli, or whatever -- not saying you should definitely do this. Just sharing that it worked for me when my back was aching from bending over all day.

    Having said that -- our kids were always pretty good about down time once they were on a semi-regular sleeping schedule. We did afternoon nap/quiet time every day until kindergarten. I feel so lucky that they were amenable to it and it wasn't a struggle.

    by Lisa in Austin on Fri May 16, 2008 at 10:42:04 AM PDT

  • Two is great! (0 / 0)

    My first was very needy, seemingly never slept, and chattered constantly. We always did/do afternoon nap and now movie time....for me.

    Now, with two (age 5 and almost 2), they have afternoon down time, PLUS, they play together. Ahhhhh. It's still a lot of work for me, of course, but now they mix it up and enjoy each other without me a little every day.

    The baby years are fast and furious, no pacing to speak of, no breaks from all that chubby insatiable cuteness. While I will definitely miss those Cassatt-baby moments, I think it's just gonna get better and better...I love age 5!!!

    by tarantula on Fri May 16, 2008 at 12:27:24 PM PDT

  • re: demanding kids and your time (0 / 0)

    oh yeah, i am so there.

    Trying not to feel neglectful while not going nuts/feeling resentful.

    I carve out time on my day off as well as towards
    the end of my commute before picking up my kids. I need that walk/sitting under a tree reading for 15 mis every few days, and get some time off on Tuesdays to recharge.

    Otherwise, nothin.

    My 8.5 year old had always been high maintenance-I'm shocked that ive even been able to write this much without her coming to look for me. Play dates with her friends help as does letting her know that she's responsible for dealing with boredom. I also
    try to spend some time with her independent of her feisty 2.5 year old sister.

    DH also feels kind of fried, tho it's gotten better recently.

    by poppygirl on Fri May 16, 2008 at 07:06:09 PM PDT

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