Mother Talkers

More On the Mommy Wars -- Yawn

by Elisa

Fri May 02, 2008 at 02:08:09 PM PDT

Third Wave Foundation's Amy Richards has written yet another book on the mommy wars. (Isn't this market already saturated?)

But she raised some worthy fodder in a Q&A with Salon's Ashley Sayeau. Here is an excerpt:

What can the feminist movement do to change course, to challenge the perception that it has failed mothers?

I think the feminist movement has created just as rigid an image of what a mother should be as society has created -- a very different version, but nonetheless it has created a stereotype of who is a good feminist mother. Organizations like NOW, for instance, have a Parenting Bill of Rights that promotes these specific mandates that qualify for feminist parenting. And while I don't want to be misrepresented as watering feminism down, I also want to acknowledge that our choices are never going to be pure.

What stops so many people from wanting to identify with feminism is the belief that they're never going to be able to do it in a pure way. So rather than being judged for doing it wrongly, they don't do it at all. But I want more people to take the risk. Just taking the risk is going to make society look different.

What are some of the risks women can take?

I think a lot of it is the responsibilities in the home. You poll most couples, and women are still -- even if they are working outside the home as much as their husbands -- the primary caregiver in the home and are still primarily responsible for the home. Some of that's because men haven't stepped up to the plate, but some of it is because women haven't pushed for control. And to me it's sad that women don't feel confident enough to own who they are as individuals and thus hold on very tightly to the role of mother.

I love it when authors purporting to hate the mommy wars then go on to tell you how to be a parent. Don't you?

But I am interested in jump-starting a discussion on her first point about "feminist parenting." What does being a feminist parent mean to you? How does this manifest itself?

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Tags: mommy wars, yawn, Amy Richards, Third Wave Foundation, Salon, Ashley Sayeau, feminism (all tags)

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  • Interesting (0 / 0)

    I'm not interested in the mommy wars and don't usually engage in discussions about them, but feminist parenting is quite another thing.

    To me, a feminist parent should

    -Have a strong and unapologetic sense of self
    -Encourage children to take calculated risks
    -Accept each child for who they are
    -Give children as many life enriching experiences as are realistically and financially possible

    Probably I'll think of more later, but those are what I think of right off the bat.

    by Erin on Fri May 02, 2008 at 03:09:51 PM PDT

    • feminist parent.. (0 / 0)

      not sure i have absorbed what that means.  however off the top, given i am a feminist my list as follows:

      1. be that example in your own home to your children. if that means you are a SAHM, be sure your children understand the value of that despite the fact you aren't " earning" money from outside employer. if you work outside the home then divide and conquer the chores with your partner.

      2. teach both your daughters and sons.  i see too many feminist proclaimed mothers who wait hand and foot on their sons.  or divide household chores along traditional lines.  an example in our family celebrations ... i won't allow my dd to clear a table while her male cousins sit. nor will i allow a grandparent to make that kind of request without requesting of the males. the same would be true of "traditional" male chores. it seems many of these patterns are hard to break given "traditions", but i believe you must be mindful of these pitfalls.

      3.  teach your children to be brave and take risks. i liked that one from erin :) specifically, this has become an interesting discussion with my teen dd.  i have coached her from the beginning that society taught me to wait to be chosen by a boy and it took me a long time to realize that i could do the choosing too. i have watched my very brave dd decide carefully who she likes and be the one who asks for a date.  admittedly i am old in this group, and this may be such old hat by now, but i don't think so.  girls should know how hard is to do the asking, experience rejection and success just as boys traditionally have.

      4.  as we discussed recently in a diary, i think it is very important to point out how society, media  exploit and objectifies girls/women.  it is an important discussion for the entire family.  raising awareness on this issue within our families is critical in order to ensure change.

      by parentalunit1 on Fri May 02, 2008 at 04:01:11 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • "Feminist parenting". (0 / 0)

    Again, I feel very lucky to have had my first children be twins.  Leveled the playing field at home.  It wasn't a question of whether or not my husband did his fair share...he had to.  This set the stage for our parenting, I believe.  Granted, there are somethings that I do better, and some things that he's better at.  At this point, we're really good at knowing who can do what the best.  In the past ten years or so, due to health problems, my husband has done the "running around" with kids, while I've helped tackle the homework, etc.  Works for us and my kids have grown up in a home seeing both parents actively engaged in parenting.

    I do regret that feminism has taken on so many aspects of our overall society.  Its all very capitalistic, it seems.  Instead of women "discovering" or "defining" their own sense of feminism, we've been encouraged to adopt the macho-capitalistic aspects of our over all society by defining ourselves by our occupation, job, income or social status.

    I also find it amazing that those writing about the topic are often so unaware of what the lives of most real women are like.  I was struck that there was surprise in this article over the fact that 78 percent of working women couldn't afford to take unpaid maternity leave.  That's the real tragedy...not a tragedy in regards to feminism, but a tragedy that we have a media that's so out of touch with the realities of American life.

    by tjb22 on Fri May 02, 2008 at 03:54:19 PM PDT

    • agree (0 / 0)

      I do regret that feminism has taken on so many aspects of our overall society.  Its all very capitalistic, it seems.  Instead of women "discovering" or "defining" their own sense of feminism, we've been encouraged to adopt the macho-capitalistic aspects of our over all society by defining ourselves by our occupation, job, income or social status.

      I couldn't agree more.

      by NJmom on Sat May 03, 2008 at 06:50:45 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • don't get it (0 / 0)

    I'm not sure I get what this book is about.  I read the Slate article too.

    As far as taking risks, I think she underestimates us.  We all take risks, every day, mothering, especially in this country.

    by NJmom on Sat May 03, 2008 at 06:52:10 AM PDT

  • Feminist parenting? (0 / 0)

    If I am a feminist, does that not make me a feminist parent? I have never taken women's studies, so forgive me if I am wrong, but feminism means you are for the equality of women in society. You are in favor of their equal treatment in all aspects of their work, life, art etc.

    I am a SAHM and I have been a "working Mom". I tell my daughter she can do anything, and I encourage her to express herself. I root out any sterotypes I find in my own biases, (boys/men are stupid, I can't do math). I let her have the Disney princess junk, but I make up stories about the brave and resourceful Princesses that bear a great deal of resemblance to her. Beyond that (and I'm serious) is there something else I should be doing? This is where I always get confused.

    by Suzanne77 on Sat May 03, 2008 at 03:42:30 PM PDT

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