Mother Talkers

Hump Day Open Thread

by Elisa

Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:46:22 AM PDT

While I did not see the original letter, based on the online backlash I can more or less guess what the reader had asked. One of my favorite online forums, Berkeley Parents Network, recently ran a (rightfully) overwhelming visceral reaction to a mother who wanted to send her three-year-old to a boarding school in India. Hands down, a dozen or so readers said a three-year-old was too young to travel across the world alone and be separated from his parents.

I'm going to assume that there are some cultural differences in this question (meaning you are from another country where this does not seem odd). I have know asian couples who have sent their young infants to live w/ grandparents in their home country for long amounts of time and although I personally would never consider this since my personal values are more based in Western norms, it is hard not to pass judgment on your question. If I understand correctly, you want to send a 3 year old overseas by themselves to a boarding school w/ strangers (not family). I'm unclear what kind of fabulous school this may be that a 3 year old would benefit in any way from this experience and to what advantage or need this would serve. I cannot imagine a scenario where this is a good idea for a child this young unless they were an orphan without a loving family to raise them and they need to be in some type of group institution to meet their basic needs like food and shelter. Otherwise I think this is a ridiculous idea. Your child will not understand being sent away. I wouldn't recommend this for a child who was younger than a teen and then only if they really wanted to go.
Not a good idea

Crazy. Then again, I have never understood the concept of boarding school, especially since I grew up in a Latino family where we all lived on top of each other. I couldn't imagine being separated from my parents so young!

Have any of you gone to boarding school? Would you consider it for your own children? Shed some light for this clueless MTer.

What else is on your minds, MotherTalkers?

  • ::

Tags: open thread, boarding school, Berkeley Parents Network (all tags)

Permalink | 61 comments

  • I confess there are days I DREAM (0 / 0)

    of sending Liza to boarding school -- it shines like a bright light on the horizon... LOL.  but no for the most part I couldn't do it.   I'm AM really working hard on getting her to buy into the thought of a two week sleepaway camp next year.... I think she needs some nest pushing out of to help her come into her own a little bit.  

    by MKatherine1966 on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:51:25 AM PDT

  • I think (0 / 0)

    That boarding school would have been a great option for me as a teenager. To be honest, it would have solved an awful lot of problems in my life. But I was a teenager...and a mature one at that. I can't imagine sending a child away. I can't even see how some of the people that I meet here do primary and high school in Australia when the parents are in Singapore.

    by aussieyank on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:54:56 AM PDT

  • 3? (0 / 0)

    Um, no.  That's just still a baby to me.  That gives me the willies just thinking about it.

    My father went to a military academy for high school.  His mother and grandfather did it to straighten him out.  (He was sort of a troubled youth).  I think it may have done more harm than good... lots a fazing by upperclassmen, etc.  I hope that stuff doesn't go on anymore.  

    We live in a culture that's pretty involved in their childrens' schools... even more so than my mother's generation.  So, culturally yes it's hard to understand someone sending a 3 year old to boarding school.

    Hey Gigi... I saw in yesterday's paper that you will be getting invaded by cicadas this summer.  Did you ever get those in CA?  Fun stuff!

    "If it's not Scottish, it's crap!" ~Mike Meyers

    by 1plain1peanut on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 06:14:31 AM PDT

    • Cicadas (0 / 0)

      No, none in CA. The first year we lived here we had a pretty big invasion and DD wouldn't go outside because it was too loud! LOL. We were visiting Kentucky the year they had the big Brood X or whatever...those suckers were HUGE. If I knew how to post a picture I would because they are impressive.

      LOVE the new signature line, Hilary!!!

      by GiGi on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:23:15 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Anything (0 / 0)

        with red eyes kind of freaks me out.

        We had them just north of here 3 summers ago.  They were buzzing all over the place during the Jack Nicklaus Memorial Golf Tournament.  Noisy little buggers.

        "If it's not Scottish, it's crap!" ~Mike Meyers

        by 1plain1peanut on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 04:50:08 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    • We have 'em in CA, (0 / 0)

      but not those big hatches like in the midwest. If I remember right, from reading, the Greeks thought that their singing was romantic, sort of an aphrodisiac.

      by tarantula on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 01:35:15 PM PDT

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      • Not where I lived! (0 / 0)

        I grew up in a suburb of L.A. and lived in San Diego and don't recall cicadas...

        It is funny to listen to them because really, all the ruckus they are making is about getting it on! They do it and then die. Crazy.

        by GiGi on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 01:51:36 PM PDT

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        • They're in the Sierra, for sure. (0 / 0)

          I caught a few for some bug studies around Lake Tahoe, and then we get them around the house in the foothills, here in Three Rivers. They look like aliens. Insect reproduction is crazy!

          by tarantula on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 02:53:04 PM PDT

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    • We had them last summer (0 / 0)

      not many in the city, but we went to a zoo in the suburbs and it was impossible to hear yourself think, they were so loud!  

      They were really everywhere, landing on you at all times, and it was kind of fun to walk around the zoo and watch kids (mostly pre-teen girls) go into some sort of panic dance whenever one got near them.  From a distance looked like a wildly virulent insanity.  

      --R

      by Rocky on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:37:19 PM PDT

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      • 1971 (0 / 0)

        Brookfield Zoo in Chicago.  

        Kindergarten field trip.  

        Cicadas everywhere... lots of screaming 5 and 6 year olds.  That's basically what I remember about the whole trip.  Cicadas landing in girls' hair with yarn bows... and teachers trying to pry the bugs out of the yarn LOL.  

        "If it's not Scottish, it's crap!" ~Mike Meyers

        by 1plain1peanut on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:40:49 PM PDT

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        • That's where we were! (0 / 0)

          Company event at Brookfield Zoo.  Couldn't hear the presentations because of the roar of the cicadas (and I didn't really need to hear them anyway, lol!)  After a morning of speakers families joined us and the chaos really began!

          --R

          by Rocky on Thu May 01, 2008 at 06:51:30 AM PDT

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  • Good God (0 / 0)

    Why even have a child if you're going to promptly ship it off?  Seriously, I know that there's been some time, but I feel like I just got my kids.  

    My mom went to boarding school as a teenager under not great circumstances, and it was a very bad experience for her.  I don't know anyone who has told me that they had a positive experience at boarding school, but that may not be representative or the whole.  

    by Erin on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:12:11 AM PDT

    • My mom was sent to boarding school at 5 (0 / 0)

      It was a five-day-a-week thing, so she was home on weekends. Then when she was older, she was shipped off to boarding school in England. And this was the classic, stiff-upper-lip sort of boarding school where you were barely allowed to express yourself, let alone cry for comfort or for home.

      To be fair to my grandparents, the family was living in  Israel in the 1940s, and it wasn't Israel then, it was Palestine and very unstable. My family is Greek, and they were just caught up in it. So boarding school was a way to escape from the chaos and provide a little stability. (My mom remembers escaping from some location in a car with shots being fired all around her.)

      But the upshot -- and this sounds harsh, I know -- is that my mom never really learned how to love. She does not know how to offer comfort or support. The number of times she has walked right past me while I have been sobbing my eyes out, either as a child or as an adult ... she just does not know how to reach out and give a hug or offer an encouraging word. It's all "quit feeling sorry for yourself" and "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" (imagine hearing this when you are spotting and afraid of having a miscarriage ... I did).

      I have had to work very, very hard in therapy to 1) recover from her lack of nurturing, 2) deal with my anger toward her, and 3) learn how to love my kids properly and enjoy being a mom. Seriously, it's taken me decades. And I often fear that in spite of all this work, I'll just repeat my mom's mistakes and my kids will grow up with the same big hole in their hearts.

      The interesting thing is that my mom's much-younger sister (my aunt) was never sent to boarding school, and is a markedly nicer, more down-to-earth person than my mom. I have to think there is some sort of correlation.

      by trueblue illinois on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:57:21 AM PDT

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      • Wow (0 / 0)

        That sounds really rough, for you and for her.  But the mere fact that you recognize the problem and have been working to deal with it probably means you as a mother are way ahead of where your mother was.  I seriously doubt you are going to repeat the same mistakes, and I bet your kids adore you.

        My mom has some issues like this--not to the same level, but she definitely does not know quite how to be a parent.  I think it is because her parents are still alive and she is more their kid than she is my mom.  It's hard, and I, too, have been working on being a better, more nurturing parent.  

        by coobert on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 06:45:03 PM PDT

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        • interesting (0 / 0)

          Is your mom a youngest child?

          by mamacita on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:55:14 PM PDT

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          • Actually, no (0 / 0)

            She's was the oldest.  But her siblings were twins, and I think that was very hard for her, even though my grandmother made extra efforts to make sure my mom got plenty of attention and felt special.  She still talks about how people would see the twins, which were quite rare in those days, and rave about how cute they were without even noticing her.  

            by coobert on Thu May 01, 2008 at 05:52:28 AM PDT

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      • Maybe because she was older? (0 / 0)

        My mom had a lot of hard knocks as a child (boarding school wasn't until 12 or 13), but she is very, very nurturing.  

        I doubt that you will repeat your mom's mistakes.  We will all make mistakes, but I think being deliberate can really keep us from making the same mistakes our parents did.  

        by Erin on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:23:51 PM PDT

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  • Boarding school (0 / 0)

    is a weird concept to me. I have only known a few people who went -- two because they lived in developing countries and their parents wanted to send them to better schools, and one troubled teen who went to a military school.

    I can't imagine sending a 3 year old.  

    by Lisa in Austin on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:33:44 AM PDT

    • I went to college with a lot of boarding (0 / 0)

      school kids - it's not that rare in the northeast where tony boarding schools are on ever corner it seems - I have friends who have gone through St. Paul's, Philips Exeter, Holderness, High Mowing, Philips Andover, Miss Porters, Choate etc...

      maybe they're not as prevalent in other ares of the country I dunno.

      by MKatherine1966 on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:42:30 AM PDT

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      • I think you're right (0 / 0)

        Katie. It's unheard of on the West Coast but nary an eyebrow raised in the East. Perhaps its proximity to the schools so it's tantamount to sending your kid to a private school? Not sure, but I think regional/cultural differences are indeed relevant. Three years old, however, seems a wee bit young.

        by GiGi on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:25:44 AM PDT

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        • I don't know (0 / 0)

          I don't know, I don't know anyone who sent/is sending their kids to boarding school.  But that could just be the folks I know.

          It costs about at least 35K to go to boarding school, not an option for 99.99% of people I would think, no matter what coast!

          I did go to a summer program at a really nice New England boarding school though.  That I highly recommend.  It was wonderful, but I wouldn't want to do it all year round in high school.

          by NJmom on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 11:42:02 AM PDT

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      • I went to college with some too (0 / 0)

        Some of the kids were kind of like minnmom's mother but there were some that were extremely down-to-earth.  It's probably like any other kind of school.  There are some that do their job well and some that don't.  

        My first roommate in college was the product of a tony boarding school and she was a grade A jerk.  I've since befriended someone who was also a boarding school alum who is about the sweetest person you could ever want to know.

        by music teacher on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:30:17 AM PDT

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      • Around here (0 / 0)

        the only boarding schools I know of are military schools, which seem to be mostly for troubled kids.

        I wonder why the regional difference on this? Interesting.

        by Lisa in Austin on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:32:26 AM PDT

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      • Yup (0 / 0)

        One of my best friends in college went to Andover. She was a bit weird. But then so am I...just in different ways. I must say...she seriously knew how to study and work the college thing. She had an amazing high school education.

        by aussieyank on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 04:30:55 PM PDT

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    • My sister-in-law (0 / 0)

      teaches at a very nice CT boarding school, and is dorm mom and all. It's a nice setup for her and her family (faculty families get free housing and access to everything: gym, library, dining hall for all meals if they want, etc...) And my mom went to boarding school (and swore never to send her kids to one...too lonely).

      It looks like a lot of fun for all the faculty kids, but I don't know about the students themselves.

      by tarantula on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 01:39:59 PM PDT

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  • i confess, i have! (0 / 0)

    i worked with 2 incredible women, both of whom attended a boarding school for their high school years.  one went off to a school in arizona as she was a bit of a handful, and her parents felt the environment at the school would be perfect for her. the other went to a traditional east coast boarding school.

    why did i even entertain this thought?  i really admired both of these young women and they were passionately positive about their experiences at boarding school. both claimed life long friendships out of the experience.  this appealed to me given my dd is an only child. my dd and i looked at few for a couple of weeks, but in the end, there was no way either of us could do it.  we were in the process of looking at local private high schools so this came up on the natural as part of the process.

    anything younger than high school is unfathomable to me.

    by parentalunit1 on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:37:16 AM PDT

  • Just had this conversation! (0 / 0)

    At my dear friend's birthday party the other night we had a long chat about this while all the kids were outside playing.  My friend went to Exeter for her junior and senior year and another friend went to Pomfret and we were all deciding whether or not we'd send our kids.  

    My friend who went to Exeter went there by choice and had a very positive experience.  My friend who went to Pomfret was "sent" by his family for many years and felt his family was distant because of the boarding school experience.  He is the sweetest guy, he said he can't imagine missing a single day of his kids' childhoods, nevermind months and months at a time.  

    I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do it unless it was driven by my child, and of course there was a full scholarship involved!

    Miles and His Favorites: The World As Seen By an Eight Year Old

    by Hillary on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:59:01 AM PDT

  • DH went to boarding school (0 / 0)

    He chose to go to boarding school, as his family was living in the Netherlands (his father is Dutch) and he knew he wanted to go to an American University.  He chose a boarding school close to his American grandparents.  While he picked the school and loved the educational experience, which allowed him to go to a great university (where he met me!), he would be the first to tell you that the conservative, old-fashioned culture at the school that he chose was dreadful.  His mother donated $20 to them the year after he graduated to get them to stop calling and asking for money, and he yelled at her for 20 minutes and has forbade anyone from giving them a penny.  

    Maybe if he had done more research he would have found a better fit, maybe not.  I suppose if one of our kids wanted to go and had good reason to do so (in high school), we would consider.  But shipping them off automatically is hard for me to imagine.  

    --R

    by Rocky on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:07:13 AM PDT

  • I like to imagine (0 / 0)

    that my boy is at a fancy boarding school, but no, he's just living with his Dad ... He IS going to a pretty good school, though, from what I can tell --and he's being exposed to a much more culturally diverse population and experience than he would be here.

    I try to focus on the positives ... (ugh!)

    It really is hard being away from your kid for months at a time, even when he's a teenager. So, I cannot imagine even considering sending a 3-year-old away like that.

    by Kay on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:09:25 AM PDT

  • WISC (0 / 0)

    change of subject here, but does anyone have experience with the WISC test? A specialist requested it for my nine year old. Here's my concern. The test will be administered in Spanish. My son is fully bilingual, but I'm sure his vocabulary is much, much stronger in English than Spanish, because all of our complex reading is in English and because his main English conversation is within our family (college educated) versus Spanish primarily with the nana and his friends (and at school, of course). How will this affect his evaluation? I'm not worried about the other areas of the test--his math is fine in Spanish, and I presume analytical skills will transfer between languages. But listening comprehension and focus/concentration are really strong areas for him, and this might not come across in a Spanish evaluation. Any ideas on this?

    by Jen on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 08:36:13 AM PDT

    • Why does it have to be in Spanish? (0 / 0)

      Can you request that they do it in English?

      Katherine

      by pat of butter in a sea of grits on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 09:13:24 AM PDT

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    • I administer the WISC (0 / 0)

      I guess to answer your question I'd want to know the purpose of the testing.  Is there some reason you want him to get his highest possible score?

      The WISC is a pretty verbally loaded test.  I doubt your son will have difficulty with the instructions, which are phrased pretty well (they must be spoken as written as it's a standardized test).  So I would expect his scores on the nonverbal portions of the test (perceptual skills, processing speed) to not be affected by the language.  

      He'll be tested on general knowledge -- why is it important to wash your hands before you eat? kind of stuff, as well as specific vocabulary words.  I would think if he's fully bilingual that the vocab subtest would be the only one to be really impacted.  If for some reason I were testing your son in these conditions, I would note in the report that the vocab score might be an underestimate of his true ability.  The vocab score goes into computation of the verbal IQ as well as the full scale IQ, which might then also be impacted.

      If you're just having him tested for general information, I would just keep these things in mind when interpreting the results.

      by mamacita on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:24:05 AM PDT

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      • thanks! (0 / 0)

        I was hoping you'd weigh in! I initially took him to the specialist (child psychiatrist) because he hates school (and I can't figure out why--it's not his peers or teachers), he's not motivated to learn (though he's quite smart and perceptive--great with abstraction), and he's emotionally reactive. The general consensus seems to be that he is uneven in his development, and I think the WISC is primarily to explore the extent of the unevenness.

        You're comments have put me at ease. We'll just see how it goes and take it from there.

        by Jen on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 12:12:05 PM PDT

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        • glad to help (0 / 0)

          As long as you know his vocab is strong, I think you can just mentally discount the score if it's low.

          It sounds like in your son's case the WISC probably won't be too informative, as you already know he's bright.  There may be some social-emotional measures that are more to the point, but I don't doubt the specialist will know what to administer.

          Also, you didn't ask, but your son might be one of those smart kids who does fine in life but struggles until he's out of school.  Are there good alternatives to school for him, such as homeschooling, independent study, or ???  

          /unsolicited advice :)

          by mamacita on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 02:55:49 PM PDT

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          • I love (0 / 0)

            unsolicited advice (at least in this case). I'm not really sure what the options are--that's why I went to a specialist. Homeschooling is definitely out. I really don't have the personality to make it work, and socially it would be a problem for my son, as we can be bit isolated here. I'm hoping school will get more interesting as he advances through the grades, but in the meantime I'm concerned about his refusal to read, for instance. He is curious, though--we do a fair amount of research and experiments together. Unfortunately, his school is not really open to independent study. I tried to go that route when he had to start English classes for nonspeakers taught by a nonnative speaker. Absolutely no flexibility from admin, so the poor kid has to suffer through it. His hating school started long before that, though, so that isn't the only area where he's bored.

            Does this ever get easy?

            by Jen on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 04:11:32 PM PDT

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            • How old is he? (0 / 0)

              With the reading, does he just not read for pleasure or does he avoid reading at all?

              For example, DD loves doing experiments, and we just started working with a wonderful paper airplane book. She is happy to read those instructions (and I'm impressed by how well she can). We've been discussing reading material for the primary grades in general at my daughter's school, and the consensus is that the kids are more interested in nonfiction than fiction, in general, in these early-reader years.

              Good luck!

              by shenanigans on Thu May 01, 2008 at 08:41:05 AM PDT

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  • Bokashi (0 / 0)

    My bokashi bucket came in the mail yesterday - woo hoo! - but it is occurring to me that now I have to figure out how to buy a lot of bokashi.  Nowhere local seems to carry it.  Does anyone else have a good source?

    Katherine

    by pat of butter in a sea of grits on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 09:18:54 AM PDT

    • my mom (0 / 0)

      buys it from Amazon as she hasn't yet found a source locally. Would that work for you?

      So excited - I joke with DH that I should contact the bokashi people for a commission because I rave about it so much!

      by Rachel on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 03:14:14 PM PDT

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  • Yesterday a 4 year-old on the bottle (0 / 0)

    Today, a 3 year-old at boarding school?  Gah.  Happy medium anyone?  

    by happy clam on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 09:25:38 AM PDT

  • I'm a dork (0 / 0)

    I bought a fabulous printer almost a year ago today. In fact, 1 day shy of 1 year ago today. The scanned has never worked on it. I've been "meaning" to take it in for 364 days now. So I finally get everything together, find the receipt and YIKES. I just dropped it off, hopefully everything is fine. The lady at the repair shop just laughed and said "I'll put a note on it. geeze.

    by lilianna28 on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 09:54:02 AM PDT

  • I went! (0 / 0)

    I went to boarding school. It was my choice to go - I hated my local high school and I didn't have many friends, and I wanted to go somewhere different. I got a scholarship to one of them, and went for my last 3 years of high school. I should mention that boarding school is a lot more common in New England than in other parts of the country - MA and CT is just crawling with these old WASP-y campuses.

    In retrospect, I'm ambivilent about the whole experience. I value the education I got there, which was excellent. I had a better time there socially, mostly with other scholarship kids. Once I wasn't bickering with my parents every single day, our relationship improved dramatically. I learned that I was capable of making things happen for myself when I was unhappy with my life. But the transition away from home was very, very hard. My first year there was very lonely. Many of the kids in my school were very privileged and spoiled, and took their good fortune completely for granted. When I think back on my time there, I don't remember being very happy; on the other hand, I would probably have been miserable at any high school.

    I would never consider sending my kid to boarding school anywhere unless he truly wanted to go and did some work to make it happen for himself. We just spent a small fortune on a house in a good school district, however, so as far as I'm concerned, he's going to public school! Children under the age of 15 have no business being sent away to school. I knew plenty of kids who had been in boarding school since 6th grade, and they were totally messed up over it. Wow, I missed that BPN letter... sending a 3-year-old to boarding school?!?? That's just about the craziest thing I've heard in awhile.

    by Kristine G on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:14:35 AM PDT

  • I couldn't do it (0 / 0)

    I have the feeling that my son is going to fly away when he hits 18 -- he is already planning to move 3,000 miles away.  I want every moment with him that I can have before that happens.  But if he was unhappy with us or had a good reason to go to boarding school, I'd entertain the idea.  I couldn't conceive of doing that at 3.  He was very clingy and I don't think he would have adjusted well, plus I just wouldn't be able to let him go for my own selfish reasons.

    I didn't get a great deal out of my high school or my family life during those years, so I might have done better at boarding school.  It was not an option I ever considered, living on the West Coast and being lower middle class.

    by mamacita on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:32:05 AM PDT

  • I went... (0 / 0)

    I went to a boarding/day school my last two years of high school. Mostly because I was fighting with my mom alot and told her I wanted to move in with my Dad, my school was the answer to that question:) So, I didn't choose it and needless to say I was miserable. It was in my area and I went home every weekend but I was SO unhappy. Many reasons but boarding contributed to it. Anyways, after one semester my mom relented and I moved back home but still went to the school. I am with others who say they wouldn't do it until high school and unless there was a good reason.
    On another note, went shopping with my MIL yesterday for baby stuff. She got us a dresser and a hutch and I registered for baby stuff:) So fun. I am actually starting to believe there is going to be a baby at the end of this:)

    by Kalikat22 on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:47:11 AM PDT

  • I attended boarding school (0 / 0)

    and as has already been said, it was a common occurrence back East where I grew up.  There were lots and lots of choices of schools and many kids were either sent away to them because they wanted to be, or as imagined, their parents wanted them to be.

    For me, I couldn't wait to go away.  I was getting lost in the public high school that I was attending which was quite large.  I was the third of three children and the only daughter with both my older siblings entrenched in trouble from an early age.  It made home life  quite dysfunctional and weighted towards saving my brothers at a cost that became too dear for me.  I wanted OUT badly.  And so I got out.  Going away was my salvation.  I had a roller coaster ride with academic life, but more importantly in the long run, I learned how to take care of myself and carve out a healthier emotional and social space than I found in my hometown and within my own family.

    Like so many things,  life experiences are individual and attending boarding school is just another example that reflects that.

    As for sending my kids --- if they had had interest, I would have certainly helped them investigate the possibility, although we have very good public schools that they did attend .. but  I look back on my experience as a defining one and one that I embrace completely so I would have been open to them experiencing something similar.

    As for a 3 year old --- WTH?  That doesn't compute in my brain at all.   How does that even happen?   As can be gleaned from this site, many aren't even "potty-trained" at 3.  Good flippin' grief.  Call me extreme, but that seems like  parent negligence - with an obvious exception being in a war-torn area or some life-threatening situation where this is the only option....but that is hard to imagine.

    karen

    by karen m on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 10:48:40 AM PDT

    • The 3yo thing was so weird... (0 / 0)

      ... that I'm starting to wonder if that letter was for real. My husband and I have a running joke about sending in prank letters to the BPN mailing list ("Dear BPN: I don't believe in mainstream medicine. Is it OK to use leeches on my child?"), just to see everyone get all up in a snit about it. Some of those questions (i.e.: the parents who wanted to go out to dinner and leave their kid alone with the baby monitor on) are just too crazy...

      by Kristine G on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 12:09:16 PM PDT

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      • LOL (0 / 0)

        leeches...that's a good one.

        About the other question, um, you'll never believe that I attended a birthday lunch one day quite a few years ago with about 12 other Moms.  We were all digging into our food happily when one woman made an announcement that she had joined the group this day because she just felt she wanted to so badly, but that she had left her baby in her crib asleep.   We were not even in the same town having lunch ....  HORRIFYING.   All of us told her she must leave immediately and go home pronto.  I am not making this up.  But it is hard to believe even for me sitting here typing this --- and I was there.  

        Word.

        karen

        by karen m on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 01:28:47 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • omg, your heart must have leapt into your throat! (0 / 0)

          funnily enough, though, my mom had a playgroup with other mothers and one of the mothers actually used to do the same thing! It was a German expat family, the husband was working for a large corporation in NYC and had wicked-crazy hours. No family around, obviously, and the woman would, once a week or so, leave her little boy home alone and do things like go to a book club meeting! Routinely! My mom could never convince the woman (so she says) that this was an incredibly dangerous passtime.

          by Rachel on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 03:18:44 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • The table was (0 / 0)

            silent with complete and utter astonishment and horror.  It was so out and out crazy to the rest of us, we could hardly come up with a cohesive thought.  It gets me even now.  I cannot imagine how a person would consider that an ok thing to do....but, there you go.  You know what my Dad says:  "You just CAN'T make this shit up."

            karen

            by karen m on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 05:01:32 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • did she go home? (0 / 0)

              or did she try to brazen it out?

              by Rachel on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 06:10:03 PM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              • You know, I think (0 / 0)

                she stayed for awhile, but ultimately left early or maybe she just up and left....I almost feel like I blocked it out of my memory.  To be frank, I think we were all very tempted to call social services and didn't thinking that if we found ourselves ever in a like situation again with her we would.....I do think at the time this gal was not operating with a full deck and over the years has had mental challenges that affect her decision making --- although this situation would make it seem like she was far worse than she was daily, she seemed to muddle through, but out of the blue would do something totally lacking in judgment as above.   It's a hard call on the part of the others who are observers as to what is the best thing to do.  All of us were challenged by this.

                karen

                by karen m on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 07:27:03 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

  • My daughter's room mate went to BS (0 / 0)

    My daughter is a sophomore at a small liberal arts college in Eastern Washington.  Her room mate is from Maine and went to boarding school.  What people have said is true.  On the West Coast, sending kids away is not the norm and I could not imagine.  Kids grow up so fast anyway.

    My daughter and her friend have had some cultural differences because of the East v. West coast and boarding school v. public school experiences but they do get along.

    Interestingly, I grew up in Montana and it was common for wealthy ranchers to send their kids to East coast boarding schools.  I personally knew families that did this.

    by janetle on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 12:07:12 PM PDT

  • 3 year old, no way. (0 / 0)

    But an older child? A total YMMV situation. Can't judge. But my personal instincts would be to say no. I did have a very close friend from childhood who had constant problems with his parents. Parents sent him away to a very tough boarding school with the stated purpose of "the kid needs to learn how to respect authority and we can't take him anymore" Seriously, they would say this to all and sundry, and in front of my friend. We in my family could never see what the deal was - and we were very close family friends. He was a "challenging" person, sure, but not unloving and not ultimately a bad kid.

    My friend committed suicide three years ago. I can't draw too much of a line, and won't presume correlation and causation, but I sure am sad that I didn't get more time with my friend because he got sent away to boarding school when we were both freshman in high school.

    by Rachel on Wed Apr 30, 2008 at 03:23:57 PM PDT

    • That is so sad (0 / 0)

      You're right.  You can't blame any one thing, you know it wasn't just due to this mistake or that one...but you sure can know that you miss the person and wish you had gotten more time with them.  I'm so sorry about your friend.  What a heartbreak.  For his family, too, of course.

      My brother is in Australia right now, working on this crazy guided tour.  I'm excited to hear about his time.

      by Erin on Thu May 01, 2008 at 09:37:24 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • exactly that (0 / 0)

        I do just miss him!

        Hope your brother is having a great time - it's a good time of year to be in Australia; most places are still really warm and lovely, but it's not the height of summer so it's not too bad.

        by Rachel on Thu May 01, 2008 at 04:54:44 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • He's working (0 / 0)

          so I don't know if he'll have too great a time, but at least he gets to go.  He works for a company that organizes tours for the uber-wealthy, and he's going to Cambodia, Borneo, Australia, Papua New Guini and India.  But it is pretty great that he gets to go.

          by Erin on Thu May 01, 2008 at 07:41:04 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • We have STAR testing this week (0 / 0)

    DD is in 2nd grade, so this is her first year of testing. Four days, in the mornings.

    The teachers are so stressed out. We were meeting with them last week and the tension among them is palpable, trying desperately to cram more learning and prep into the kids without souring them. It's a fine line.

    DD is pretty cheerful about it. Her class gets a pizza party after the testing is over (they won a class competition last week) so they are all right on board.

    I've noticed that our school usually has a dip in scores from 2nd to 3rd, and I always wondered about it. Now I think it may be that the 2nd graders are naively enthusiastic about it going in, using it as a sign that they're Big Kids Now, but that by 3rd grade they say, "Oh, not this again."

    by shenanigans on Thu May 01, 2008 at 08:36:05 AM PDT

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