I completely sympathize with your mother tiger feelings, but would also say - they seem to know you're upset, and clearly the teacher was very upset too, as she should be, that's extreme behavior (leaving a bruise?  Geez).  Let them meet.  If you don't like what you hear on the phone call, you can express yourself thoroughly then and they can reconvene if necessary.  

Having been on both the parent and the management side, I'm betting your daughter isn't the only child suffering from this boy's behavior, and it sounds like the teacher and management there are seriously concerned.  One or two incidents may happen, but a regular pattern of aggressive behavior on that level that doesn't respond to normal guidance and discipline often means time for a meeting with the kid's parents and possibly even some consideration of under what conditions he can continue.  Which is all very sticky and stressful for them of course - no matter what they decide, at least one family is likely to be very emotional and offended.  

My 2 year old is going straight to hell if that's extreme behavior.  If he bites, it will leave a bruise.  He mainly does this to his 4 year-old brother in self-defense for being pushed around or having his toys taken from his hands one too many times.

So my child engages in this behavior and I'm positive that it is not his intent to be vicious.  But the times he has bitten he's left bruises.

What I got out of my experience with Maya is that every school/center should have a clearly articulated policy on how to deal with kids who bite or diaplsy other aggressive behavior.

Do they give warnings, then meet with parents, then ask the kids to leave the center if the behavior continues? Do they make an effort to watch said kids more closely or work on their behavior in any way? Have they been following their own policy with this boy, and if not, why?

The staff at my daughter's old center at first had trouble articulating their policy, but I pushed and found out they had a "3 strikes" kind of policy. Well, my daughter alone was bitten 3 times, and I knew from talking to other parents that one boy in particular had been biting several other kids as well. I made my displeasure known to the staff and was ready to pull her out if need be. They promised to watch more closely and do what it took to work with the little boy. There were no more biting incidents after that, and the little boy soon "graduated" to the preschool program. I have no idea whether or not he continued biting other kids.

Both of my boys were biters.  (When you have one you think it's just him, but with the second you think, where did I go wrong?)  I reached the point where every time I got a call or note informing me of a biting incident I had a moment of thinking, "oh please oh please let it be mine who was bitten!"  It never was.

Neither of my boys was aggressive, and I was told this is common.  One was gentle and a bit timid, the other was tiny; the teachers said it is not unusual for biting to be the defense of last resort for toddlers who feel overwhelmed or intimidated.  My older son only ever bit his best friend, who was a sweet boy and also not aggressive, but he was domineering over my son.  Fortunately I was lucky - the victim just happened to have an older brother who had been a biter in his day.  So I got nothing but support and sympathy from the victim's mom.

Biting is very hard to control, and intervention has to be individually tailored to the child - I don't think there's one effective approach.  For my older son there was nothing I could do since I never once saw him bite.  But his teachers quickly learned to recognize the danger signs and situations, and with a couple of months of monitoring it faded away.  My tiny son was much more difficult - he was stubbornly 'fighting back' against his big brother or anyone else in his way.  Many times he would chomp his brother then head directly for the time out chair - he was perfectly willing to pay for his crime.  We worked hard with him but I'm not certain we had much effect, he may have just outgrown the behavior.

Biting can be 'contagious', so the teachers are probably just as worried as you are.  I assume by now the teachers are already working with the other child's parents.  They should be able to tell you what their general approach is, and what they are doing specifically to keep your daughter safe.  But they are probably limited in what they can tell you about the other child and how they are addressing his problems.

We went through a biting phase at daycare, where for about 2 weeks it felt like every day I was getting a call from them about a biting incident.  Somehow, I was always happy when DD was the victim rather than the agressor -- I think she probably bit 2-3 times, and was bitten 5-6 times.  Only one time really left a mark.  

I found that it was so much easier to talk about how sad biting makes you feel and how to "use your words" when she was the victim.  The few times that she bit someone it was hard to discuss it because it was outside of the "3 second rule" -- punishments need to come immediately after the offense (I learned this with my horse, and it seems to be true for kids, too!).  

I started to despair and think that we needed to find other daycare options after about a week of the biting, but like so many other phases that one passed too.  We were also comforted by the fact that last year, a child was asked to leave the daycare because of aggressive biting behavior.  That made it feel like they would do everything they could to stop it including difficult decisions about if a child is or isn't suited for a group situation.  

Good luck.

--R

The thought of her sitting there teary-eyed makes me sad.

It does sound, Rachel, like the staff is taking the concern seriously.  I think that's the main thing you would want.  And in a way it's helpful if there's one child who's doing the lion's share of the aggressing, as that makes it a little easier to monitor.  I would want to know that they were planning to pay extra attention to him, and were developing some ways to intervene before he could do damage. Although if it's unprovoked, it may be hard to figure out what is triggering him.  And they know that you don't take Jess being harmed lightly, which may make them take a little special care with her, as well.  Heightened supervision can be a good thing.

I hope what you hear about their convo is reassuring for you.  I agree with other posters that it would be really helpful to know if there's a policy to address aggression. That would give you some comfort that these incidents can't go on indefinitely.  And I'd say it's a great sign that Jess immediately put your suggestion into action by telling him she doesn't like him to bite her.  She may have stopped any future incidents just with that.  Good girl!

... there is more to this story ... or maybe not.  Biting is quite common among young children.  And most can be stopped (like many have said).  But every so often, there is more to it.

I think the daycare staff should really look at the home life of the boy.  (If the biting doesn't stop.)  I know, there often isn't time for this, but kicking him out of the daycare just passes the problem along to some other daycare.  And other children.

Sometimes, it is something he picks up at home.  One (or both) of his parents could be very aggressive -- to each other, or their children.  I knew of such a situation.  And trust me -- it isn't just the "poor" people or "low class" people.  The mother of the child I described was working quite a high-paid job, drove a Mercedes, and always dressed to the nines.  Some would say, "Oh, she has a nice family (read: RICH)-- there couldn't be anything wrong at home!"  But there was.  

Sometimes things aren't as they seem.

when these discussions come up. My DS has only bit a handful of times and has been bitten a few times too. But he's a high energy, curious kid with quirks. He has no sense of personal space with other kids, which makes other kids nuts and has led to problems. He gets excited and can't calm himself down, which leads to all kinds of issues. He gets frustrated and loses it from time to time, which leads to hitting/biting/etc. He's a really good boy but we have to really work with his preschool teachers on helping him with these issues. Parents I know who have really calm kids (I don't want to gender stereotype but it's usually parents of girls) don't seem to be able to understand his demeanor so that this is what they see:  a kid who sometimes has aggressive behavior and his mom is always using this really strict behavioral modification. Gee, it must be something mom and dad are doing wrong or he must be a problem child. No one (other than parents with similar kids) has ever assumed that he has characteristics that lead to his feeling overwhelmed and that we are structuring things to help him deal. And believe me, it's working. Please don't assume that nothing is being done. Sometimes progress is slow.  We even had a toddler playgroup where the moms of the girls (5-6 girls) felt the boys (3 boys) were just too rough and basically segregated the group even though the boys were severely out numbered!

"However, one mom who has 2 girls and a boy came up to me and told me that she thought she was hot stuff as a parent until she had her son. "

***************

My 1st child was a girl and I was oh, so smug.  Then I had a boy .....

I had to eat major crow!

I did call the centre director yesterday, but she'd been out on Friday and wasn't aware of the situation so took refuge in platitudes. It wasn't that reassuring, so I look forward to chatting to the classroom teacher today, if possible.

I do realize that kids do bite; heck, Jess will sometimes give what she calls a "love nibble" to DH or I (if it's a nibble, I'd hate to see an actual bite...). I'm not propping myself up as mother of the year (heaven forfend), and I know that Jess is capable of responding physically as much as the next toddler.

I don't want the kid punished, but I do want to know, loosely, what the teachers are going to do to to manage the situation. I think asking some specific questions about how biting situations are handled are a good way in for me.

when my son was little i had a problem w/ him pushing kids- it was how he invited them to play w/ him.  if a kid pushed him right back, then they'd play together just fine and be best buddies.  but often kids would just toddle away crying.

i used to say to him "listen to how much it hurts when you do that" and make him listen to the other child crying. i of course apologized to the mom and child, etc, but for my son i needed him to stop and listen to the pain he caused.

but i was talking to a friend about it and she had no sympathy for me- she said "awwww- poor you- your kid pushes other kids.  mine used to BITE them."  for the life of me i can't remember how she got them to stop.  she was a great mom- i'm sure she handled it well.

another friend of mine has four boys, and the youngest was a biter.  he and his older brother were rolling around and fighting in their thin pajamas and no underpants underneath.

he bit his brother's penis through the pajamas, although i think he was just biting his brother and not trying to bite his brother's privates.  anyway, the bite was so bad they had to go to the emergency room- terrible swelling and gruesome bruising.

a few weeks later the little boy came over for a visit and instead of saying hi to my husband just walked over and looked up at him and sweetly said "don't you just love baby helen?  a.j. bit my weenis."  

I hope you get the response you need from the facility.

My twins only bit each other, so I don't have any experience in dealing with it at day care. It only happened a few times, and I am not really sure what stopped it. I didn't bite them back [although, since they bit each other, perhaps the same impact?]

One thing I noticed with my two was that the bite was a reaction to being frustrated over something. I know that what I've heard from other parents and the childcare facility my kids attended was that the way to prevent biting is for close supervision of the biter and intervention before his/her frustration rises to the level of biting.

It didn't sound like there was an obvious frustration with this child before the bite. That would seem to present more of a challenge, if there is no behavior that allows you to anticipate when he might bite. All I can say is that I hope the facility takes the action needed to protect your child [and others] while still addressing the biter's needs if possible.

Bailey bit each other daily for an eternity -- it got so Bailey's mom and I would just apologize to each other inthe driveway every morning and every night.

of course Liza's nearly 9 now and the only biting she does is when she lays into me -- when she went through her angry year I had bruises up and down my whole arm.... THAT was good times.

Being upset or angry because your child has been hurt is a reasonable reaction.  I hope the center can give you the reassurance you are seeking and you can be comfortable with whatever plan is put in place.  

There are many ways to handle biters and impulsive/aggressive behavior in the classroom short of removing the offending child.  What is done to prevent the behavior is far more important, in my opinion, than what is done after the behavior occurs.  Figuring out what triggers the behavior is a good starting place - In our program we do a lot of shadowing and coaching with children who have a tendency to act out physically, with a focus on prevention.  

My personal feeling is that programs with expulsion policies are more interested in their bottom line than meeting the needs of children - because for me, meeting the needs of children means meeting the needs of all children, including (especially, perhaps) the offending child.  But then, my program is fortunate to have a wealth of resources available to us, including mental health consultants when necessary.  

Please keep us posted!

Hugs to the two of you.  I can't add much more to the already good advice here, but I'm so sorry she got hurt.

This is really tough.  I have b/g twins and the latter was the biter.  She was slow to speak and, in retrospect, probably frustrated in communicating.  She was in a coop with a twin brother and I watched her like a hawk when I worked.  Of course, I didn't work every time they were there, so I basically prayed on those days.  She did bite one boy, whose mom happened to be working with me that day and the mom was great and understanding.  The mom saw that I perceived something was about to happen -- they were arguing over a ride-on toy -- and I rushed over, but got there too late.  The mom recognized that all toddlers have the potential to bite.

One rainy day, however, I had quite a different experience.  I had taken them to a play area at a mall.  They were in two different areas and my eyes were darting back and forth.  I saw a younger child push my daughter away from a wheel she was turning and knew that this would set her off.  I reached them, but too late.  That mom made me feel like shit, even though I was apologizing.  Finally, I said, "Would it have made you feel better if my daughter had pushed your daughter after your daughter pushed mine?  I could argue that you are culpable for not keeping your daughter on a tighter rein because she is not yet able to wait her turn."  At this point, as this woman stood there with her older daughter, I simply became less sympathetic.  There are a lot of biters out there and she was informing me that she had never had had this experience.  Maybe it was true, but parenting groups, magazines, and books are FILLED with stories on biting, so I had a hard time believing it was such a novel concept.

I don't like when I see a young child who is aggressive, but I also take note when I see parents and caregivers who are on patrol and seek to intervene before the situation escalates.  And a lot of them do that.  This is part of socialization and development.  There is boy in our neighborhood, who was extremely aggressive as a toddler, and we all dreaded playdates with that family.  The boy, now four, is much calmer and is one of my son's favorite playmates.  I'm glad we were able to hang in there with the family.

Finally, I worked in the coop one day when my twins started tussling.  It was nearly the end of the school year and the first time they had done this in my presence.  My son, who never bit, actually bit his sister, and she took a chunk out of him.  The coop teacher, who had 25+ years of classroom experience, nearly croaked.  She asked "do they do this all the time?"  then realized, as she had had them five days/week for eight months, that it was a fairly stupid question as it was the first time and the other set of b/b twins in the class had one or two time-outs nearly every day for fighting with each other.  I allowed her to conduct the time out in her office.  They were very sheepish and chastened as they really loved her.  In fact, I think this was one of my daughter's last episodes; within months of that incident, she became much more verbal, able to hold a conversation, etc.

I hated being the mom of a biter, am relieved that most incidents happened in our home, and am grateful for those parents who extended compassion and understanding to me when it did.