My mom has cancer. Ovarian. Surgery later today will tell us how widespread. I suppose that surgery today will tell us how much hope we should hang on to. She's been having horrible sharp pains for months, but I don't think she went to the doctor about it. She hates going to doctors. Recently, she's been more tired and sick than usual, but she thought it was the flu. Friday night she was fine ...
she and my father had dinner at our house. We had a stupid fight, as we are known to do. (I was irritated that she told my DS he "has to play more gently with girls"). I am devastated that I was agitated with her.
Sunday night DH got a call from my Dad while we were in birthing class. Mom was in the hospital. It has been hellish since then. I never imagined I would see my mother, the caregiver, like this.
Right now, it is just wait and see. I suppose after the surgery it will be either a) chemo and see how it goes or b) hospice care. Neither one is appealing. We think that the cancer is fairly widespread. We know it has reached her liver.
I am grateful that the exhaustion of caring for her and being in the hospital all the time is mostly keeping me from thinking clearly. Because when I do, all I can think of is, will she live to see this baby, her newest grandchild, the one she dreamed will be the girl she has longed for? What will I tell DS (4), who worships her? Is he old enough that he will always remember her? How will I explain this sickness to him? And if she dies? How to explain that to him? How to explain it to me? And what will happen to my father?
And in the deepest corner of my mind, this: am I strong enough to do this? How can I keep preparing for our birth while this is going on? (I'm either 33 or 35 weeks now, we're not sure) And what about after? How will I care for a newborn, and my mother? I suppose I just will, as women have for generations. But that doesn't make it any less frightening.
Update: The surgery was last night. It went really, really well. Much better than I had dared hope. They think they got 99% of the cancer. They did a full hysterectomy, stripped it from her bladder, removed the fatty tissue around her abdominal cavity ("free tummy tuck" said the nurse, haha!), and removed 2/3 of her bowels. But she won't have to have a colostomy bag. They put in a feeding tube to help her get nutrition now and during chemo, which is good because she is the pickiest eater anyway. She is in ICU for 3 days, then admitted for 7 to 10, and then chemo starts in 3 to 4 weeks. The surgeon and staff seem really optimistic. It's the best news I could have hoped for.
In reading all of your kind words and advice, I am bowled over by the sheer strength of the mothers (and others) on this board. We endure, we love, we cry, we keep moving forward. Above all, we suck it up and do what needs to be done. I am amazed and grateful to have a community (even cyber!) of such wonderful women. In reading all that you shared, sometimes I cried, but above all it gave me the strength to know that others have been through trials like this, and came out alright.
DS seems to be dealing well with it all; he wanted to know what her sickness was called, and I told him. It was actually nice to tell someone who hasn't yet formed the idea that "cancer is death". I'm going to have him do a Get Well card today, and take him up to the waiting room to see his PawPaw.
One day at a time ...
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