Yeah, I don't think its inherently evil or destructive. I am also the first born and got all the anti-drug lectures, and I still smoked out as a teenager. But I haven't touched the stuff...in I don't know years? I can't even remember the last time.

My younger sisters on the other hand have had problems with drugs and alcohol that I don't think they would have had, had my parents been riding their asses the way they did mine!

Even if your younger brother doesn't have a "problem" per se, holds down a job etc. It is still a problem because it is illegal. I saw a 60 something year old man yesterday in court, retired college professor, two kids, seemed nice, being charged with DUI and possesion of pot and paraphenalia! He is going to go through all this embarassment and hassle for what, exactly?  

I mean legalize it, but geez, don't smoke it till then!

child and have a younger brother.  I am 26, he is 23.  My parents were way more strict with me than him growing up.  I remember distinctly that they told me I couldn't have a phone in my bedroom until I was 13.  So I waited and I saved my money for a cool phone.  Sure enough, 13 rolls around and I get my phone.  My brother being green with envy wants a phone too...and guess what?  Yep, at 10 they go out and get him one too.  As you can tell, I am not quite sure if I have ever gotten over that one;)

It could have had to do with the fact that he is pretty severely learning disabled, and I think when he was younger they felt like they had to compensate for the hand he was dealt.  Looking back on it now, I understand...and I can also see how as a parent it is just easier to let the second child get the same as the first even though there is an age difference (depending on the circumstances of course).  When we were really little he would have to get a few presents on MY birthday to open so he wouldn't throw a fit.  Like I said, the learning disability might have had a bit more to do with it than normal.

And the only girl.  My parents were way more restrictive with me.  They were pretty traditional, so I think it could also have to do with the fact that I'm a girl, but I have no control study for that.

DH is youngest of two boys.  The joke with his family is there are no pictures of him because he was the "Second Child."  I do believe in birth order, but I also think it's something everyone has to adjust to, just like where you grew up, if you were short or tall, if you had a funny name, if you had freckles, whatever.  My aunts are twins, and even they do things like, "Listen to me, I'm older."  So I don't think a person really escapes that.

It's impossible to treat each child equally, and I find that to be liberating.  My goal is to not be like my SIL, who still thinks it's appropriate that a 13-year-old and a 9-year-old be given pretty much the same privileges, because heaven forbid one is treated "unfairly."

I have a girl (6) and boy (3). I don't think of treating them equally, I think of treating them according to their needs whether they think it is fair or not. I expect more from my daughter because she's older and should be more mature. My son may get to experience things earlier because his sister is involved in them. Yes, you learn from the first child that usually makes you more patient with those that follow. My daughter doesn't believe me, but I'm less tolerant of my son's tantrums than we were of hers. Mainly because I don't want his to get out of hand like hers did so I'm consistent in addressing them immediately and without compromise. It means he whines less than her making him look like the better behaved child. We're finding that spending time alone with each s invaluable to developing relationships with them -- I'll take just one to the park with the camera and have our own photo session and time together. At those times, they aren't competing with each other for attention from you and you'll get to know them better for who they are. I'll probably be stricter with my daughter on dating too. You know the old saying, have a son and you only worry about one dick. Have a daughter and you worry about every dick in town. And -- nothing good happens after midnight. I'm dreading teenage years already!

happening after midnight...maybe not in a parentally approved way, but still. LOL!

My curfew when I was 15 was 11:30, my curfew at 18 was nonexistant, just "keep in touch". But having earned the right to be out late I was pretty responsible.

My baby sister was allowed (encouraged!) to go out with me at age 15. "Don't worry, your big sister will look out for you!" Huh? WTF?

I actually TOLD my mother at age 18 that it was highly inappropritae to make ME responsible for my siblings behaviour.

I live in my own house and pay my mortgage, whereas both baby sisters are living as renters in houses my parents own each within shouting distance of the house we grew up in and each other. Horror!

Of course those months when I'd really like to be a little late paying the mortgage, I'd like the flexibility to tell my Mom, I'm going to be a week late and $200 short, okay? But I do have my freedom and a bit more self-respect...

Yeah, being the oldest has its perks.

My parents have admitted that they were more nervous and restrictive with me than with my sisters and brother (sisters 5 and 6 years younger, bro 11 years younger) -- but I also remember my sisters getting jealous every time I got to do something they couldn't.  One of them kept a notebook that tracked the things I was allowed to do and the age, in months, at which I was allowed to do them.  As in, "went to Mexico with friend and friend's mom, 14y + 7 mos".  So it goes both ways.  

At the end of it all we all got into about the same amount of trouble, with the possible exception of my bro who was a homebody and model citizen.  

I like my grandma's phrase (she also had 4 kids), "I treat all of my kids equally.  Some are just more equal than others."  Because really, you can try all you want to be exactly the same with everyone but it's just not going to happen -- there are too many variables.  I think you have to try to maintain your own values and make defensible decisions based on those, and then assume that you're going to screw up, your kids are going to screw up, and that's kind of the way it's going to play out.  

--R

My one sister is 5 years younger.  She did get to do things at an earlier age than I did, at the time I would get upset but it wasn't anything nearly as bad as Melissa's car story (he seriously took out the radio!?)  We were both pretty goody-goody, neither of us needed any strictness as far as curfew/drinking/sex stuff.

One thing that was very different between us had to do with my Mom's work.  When I turned 16, my Mom had to start traveling for her job, she was gone M-F every week.  I would drive my sister to her friend's house to catch the bus, drive myself to and from school, get us both to dance lessons and band practices and stuff.  I didn't have anyone to bail me out if I had problems during the day.  By the time my sister was 16 my mom had been laid off.  If my sister forgot her lunch my Mom would bring it in to school for her.  If she was late finishing a paper my Mom would let her stay home to finish it then go with her to sign her in late.  She got bailed out left and right.

I was almost done with college at the time and I wasn't really bitter - I think I could see that I had been better served by my experience than my sister was, I would even tell my Mom that she wasn't doing her any favors.

My sister is now 28 and totally responsible, she turned out fine, but maybe things would have been different if we hadn't lost our mom when she was 19.  That really forced her to grow up more than anything else could have.

My parents laid a lot of expectations on me.  They also credited me with every virtue known to mankind.  So, I suppose being first in my case was a mixed blessing...I still feel as if I have to over achieve, yet my parents  gave me such a strong sense of self esteem that the over achieving part seems to keep in balance.  

And yes...let me tell you, by the time you get to the youngest child(ren), you're tired.  You really don't care about proving much of anything any longer.  You're comfortable enough with parenting that it becomes a non-issue.  My older kids, for whom I did push a bit more and quite possibly had higher expectations for, have turned out rather well...my younger kids seem to be turning out ok, too...I suppose we shall see in the long run.  

how many of us are the oldest?!?!? Have we ever had a poll like that????

How do you start a poll?

I married the baby of his family and I swear the places where we disagree seem to be totally rooted in our birth order and sense of responsibilty!

How you act often depends on YOUR personality, not just your parents' actions.

I am the older of 2 -- my brother was 2 years younger.  In my family, my father was much more "hands off" the everyday child rearing duties.  My mother seemed to be in charge.  I will say that, personality-wise, I was like my father and my brother was like my mother.  Because of this (or maybe other reasons), I was much less attuned to her.  As in minding her, following her suggestions, etc.  Yes, I had to MIND, but what was in my head was oftentimes different!  I just went my own way.  Decades later, I found out how much my brother did SO much to please my mother.  (Big things -- like getting degrees, minding her on smoking pot, etc.)  From ages 17 - 22, I smoked pot like crazy, even though I knew my mother would have disapproved and would maybe not even get me out of jail if I got put in for pot.  My brother, on the other hand, went on a spring break trip to Galveston and hitchhiked home (over 500 miles) when some in his group smoked pot.   Why?  My parents had told him not to smoke pot.

And adulthood followed suit.  Yes, after he finished school (with a PhD), he and his wife moved 1,000 miles away from her -- but STILL listened to her and did much of what she wanted.  I moved farther away, spent less time with my parents, and took what my mother "suggested" with much more humor than trying to "obey" her.

the oldest has spent most of his adult life in jail and the middle is a very good teacher.

I am the only one with kids and the flakey artist of the family. But I have never tried drugs, been drunk more than once or twice and those were as an adult and I am mostly responsible despite being the baby.

but it is fascinating to see how it (among other factors) influences our adult behaviors. My husband is a pretty mature and responsible "baby" but he is a lot more self-indulgent than I am. "I passed the bar exam, I'm getting a flat screen TV! Woo!" That's not necessarily a bad thing, either. This pregnancy I have scheduled myself a series of 10 massages -- I didn't even get one 5 years ago with my first baby.

He is less likely to drop money on himself now and I am more likely to do it, so perhaps we are achieving some first born/baby balance??

I'm the uber-responsible one that never causes any sleepless night for my parents.

about sibling rivalry and competition.  I never felt competitive with my brother, but have often felt competitive with my dh's two brothers (as in,  I want it recognized that dh is better in every way then either of them), so I wonder if I've picked up in a dynamic going on in his family?