i AM grateful to be a SAHM...
Tue Apr 15, 2008 at 02:25:55 PM PDT
but i am horrified too. or maybe just sad. or something in between.
i used to be so proud of the job i did with that elusive "work/life balance". i started out as a single mom, first to sam, and then we added his sister maya. when they were babies, my mom helped with childcare. i had students (college age) cover for me when i needed to teach after sam got off the bus. i never worked more than three days/week outside the home, and got all of my work done at night after they'd gone to bed... being a night owl is handy that way. i was good at my job and good at being a mom. neither defined me, but both shaped who i was.
well, in the last two years, we've expanded our family to add three more people... my husband bill, charlie(2) and abby (9mos). i worked through both pregnancies as an assistant professor, but it became very clear after abby arrived that the "balance" had tipped.. our sweet little tipping point, we joked.
it is wholly apparent that my family and our home thrive when i am focused on them, and that they do not when i am trying to split my focus between a job and a houseful of 6 people. even when i am teaching just one course, getting childcare, nannies, having my mom pitch in, none of it adds up like it used to. i feel the pull of what i expect many women feel much of the time, and i am fortunate to have the option to stay home with the kids. the balance became very imbalanced, and with no sign that it would let up in the near future, i resigned from my position last week. one year short of tenure i was rumored to have earned.
do i REALLy care about tenure? no. i despise the hoop system. yet, there is still something in knowing you've done it. i hated going through hoops to get my ph.d., but once i was finished, i did feel proud of what i had accomplished (defending 8 months pregnant with charlie... i had been "dissertating" through all of our family-building years). do i enjoy working as an academic? yes and no. i love teaching. i love preparing students to work with young children in child care centers and schools. but i hated meetings, and it seemed i was the only one who would openly admit that fact. i did manage to write what was needed to move towards tenure, but i have no burning desire to research and publish. i was often frustrated that "service" meant working on committees in my department, college, or across the university... not actually working in the community to make things happen. i am already slated to teach a course each semester next year as an adjunct, so i will stay connected that way.
so why does it feel like such a loss?
i think i figured it out this week. despite the fact that i can still teach, and am now free from the meetings, writing, and responsibilities of department life, it was a career. teaching one course as an adjunct is not a career. i did that in addition to my old career, going to grad school, and being a mom. so now, i don't have a career. more like a hobby with low pay. i think some part of me is grieving that loss. i love my kids. i love being a mom. .. really love it. i just never thought i'd be a SAHM, and really, i don't think i ever wanted to be. i am trying to want to be one now. i am grateful. we are so forutnate. i am an early chldhood person, so i know how important the first few years are. the thing is, i also learned to do that well while having a career. i had no guilt, i spent loads of time with my kids, they were happy and loved, and i was out doing what i loved too.
gosh, this all still sounds so whiny. but i thought some people here might understand, since i can't really even admit this out in the real world... everyone just says how lucky i am to stay at home. except the colleagues i left, who think i am absolutely nuts. if i feel this conflicted leaving a job in early childhood education for my own in-home lab school, i can only imagine how SAHMs who are true career changers from other occupations handle the transition. i've been home for almost a year now; i guess i'm still getting used to it.
