tantrums are normal.  Two-year-olds have tiny little bodies with big, big emotions inside them.  I'm guessing that she can be just as outrageously joyful at times?

I say, pick your battles.  Choose the one or two things that are very important to you and let everything else go.  But when it comes to those one or two things, be on her like white on rice.  Be prepared to stick out any tantrums she has, for no matter how long.

I'm not big into timeouts or yelling at 2 year olds. They are still so little and silly and low on communications skills.  Let her lie on the floor and be mad.  No need to force a timeout with a 2 yo.

I agree with Erin about picking your battles.  I save mine for safety situations (sockets, biting, etc).  

And then, I'm also big into managing situations.  Markers a problem?  Put them away for a few weeks.  Don't tell her why, just bring out the crayons or whatever or maybe she only gets to use art supplies when you can sit and really assist her.

Good luck!  You won't break her spirit, hang in there!

I really don't think this is anything to worry about. My little 'iron' lady still threw hugely physical tantrums until well into kindergarten (only for Mom and Dad--not toward anyone else). She is just a physical person, and she certainly has never been considered a 'problem' child by anyone.  

At this age, kids have tenuous control over themselves. Sometimes they just lose it completely. They even can frighten themselves! I always just rode it out and made sure I was there for a long hug afterward and a debriefing later in the day.

Listen to me...I sound so calm now. It was REALLY frustrating at the time, so I give you my sympathies and a LOT of credit for being a sweet mom!

and I am sorry to report they can continue for a while.  My 7 year old threw a major tantrum this morning (nonphysical, fortunately, but it still happens sometimes) because his younger brother broke up his Lego spaceship.

My general tactic is to let them scream it out - in some other location, if necessary.  After a while they recover.  Intervening seems only to make things worse, but if you leave them alone they eventually come around.

SHe's also 2.5.  We do time outs, and she will just sit in her chair and wail, scream and cry for her allotted 5 minutes (or a quick shower for me).  we never had the biting thing, but the rest sounds right up her alley.

You have my sympathy.

we have the same thing - most of the time it's not too bad of a tantrum, but then there are others that are just shocking...  We've had a huge improvement from 2 1/2 to 3 1/2 though - I'll hope that you have the same!  

One thing that we learned from daycare is "The Ready Chair" - it's basically a time-out (I think...) but she sits on a specific chair until she is "Ready" to behave/talk about what went wrong/apologize.  Before we sit her on it, we give her a warning and ask her to repeat to us, e.g. "What will happen if you color on your hand again?" (Otherwise, I found that she frequently just didn't even connect that I was asking her to change behavior.) They didn't start it until the kids were all 3ish so it might not work as well with younger kids, but it's really worked well with my daughter.

I seriously am going through the EXACT same thing.  Same age, same dynamics between my parents and my husbands parents, same little girl with the iron will.

I myself have no problems with time outs with my 2 1/2 year old.  They are only for a minute or two, but a lot of the time when she is "tantruming", she is looking for an audience.  When put in her room to calm down by herself, it kinda takes the air out of her performance.   I think it is different with every kid.

But since it sounds so similar to your daughter, let me say this:
Every day I worry about the choices I am making in terms of how it is effecting her wonderful, strong spirit.  But my mantra is "consistency, loving and firm".
It's a balance I am trying to strike between setting definite boundaries, and letting her just be. I am trying to guide her, but not be "all up in her grill" like my parents were for me.
My girl had an out of control tantrum that went beyond any other, about a month ago.  It was scary, because it was obvious that she was totally overboard.  I let her cry it out in a safe place, with me there stroking her arm.  When she was done, she said she wanted to "go home" to "california"-where we had just moved from.
It was then that I realized that not only is every kid different, but every tantrum is different.  Just have faith that you know your daughter well enough to know how to approach each one as they come.

that should be
"consistant, loving and firm".

Ouch.  Sorry.

I agree with the other posters about maintaining absolute consistency and absolute calm.  No means no and she is welcome to scream her little head off if she must but that's not going to alter the situation one iota.  Never reward a tantrum, but it has to burn itself out.  Little bodies, big emotions.

We never did timeouts for tantrums - these were reserved for deliberate, premeditated misbehavior or to separate boys who were physically hurting each other.  But I might give the markers a time out.  "I think these markers are making you forget the rules; I think the markers need a time out."

I agree with NJMom about managing the situation.  That was always my first line of defense.  I generally try to just give them a little space from the situation, without a specific punishment place.  If we were in the playroom, I'd have them sit on the sofa for a minute or two.  If we were outside, they'd sit on the steps for a minute.  It diffused the situation and made a point, without creating a lot of drama for us.  I realized with my oldest in particular that, like smunchie commented, the audience was pretty key for him.  He could throw whopper, lying-on-the-floor, rolling around, blood curdling screaming tantrums.  What worked for me was just to calmly say, "When you're done, come find me in the kitchen" and walk out of the room.  When he realized that he wasn't getting much of a reaction, things really improved.

I'd say fasten your seatbelt, it's going to be the ride of your life. Two of mine are/were like that.

You've got to examine what she wants and needs out of the situation from her point of view. Is it really coloring on the wall? Is she maddest about having the marker taken away? Would she be content to have it back and color on some other surface? Could you tape paper on the wall for her to color? If she can't/won't comply with coloring on the appropriate surface, is she maybe just overstimulated or tired or hungry? Would a distraction work before she gets so worked up? For example, when you catch her writing on the wall, you take the marker and show her to write on paper (clearly stating the positive rule, "Markers are for writing on paper"), then tell her how you're writing her name, then hide the marker in your pocket and get her attention on special word that belongs to her, and all the letters in it, and the sounds they make, then you move out to the kitchen and play with the magnetic letters on the fridge, and look! There are M's on our m&m's! Voila, no writing on the walls and no tantrum either, and chocolate all around and everything is good.

These are savvy kids. Illogical consequences don't sit well with them. They need a valid reason for everything and "or you'll go to the corner" and later, "the principal's office" doesn't fit their world view.

I haven't found a better technique (in 15 years of trying) than to just talk it out calmly, rationally, explaining all the details of the whys and wherefores until I'm blue in the face, even for a 2 year old. Sooner or later one of two things happens. Either 1) they get the reasons behind what you're trying to accomplish and comply or 2) they get bored and quit tantrumming so you'll shut up already. One so young might fall asleep on you.

It would be kindest if you could avoid trigger situations when possible. A major breakdown isn't fun for her either.

I hope it's not a sign of something wrong!  My daughter is 6 1/2 now and doesn't really have tantrums so much anymore, but if she is crossed in something she wants she acts like a teenager - trys to get it herself and if I want to make the No stick it comes down to physically preventing her.  I have never been able to do timeouts with her because I cannot get her to stay someplace she doesn't want to be unless I lock her there which I don't like.  She is incredibly strong-willed and will confront me 100 times a day.  Luckily this behavior is just for me, she is a great favorite in school and shows good coping and interpersonal skills there.

I made the mistake of talking to my neighbor and she basically made me feel like the whole reason this happens is I've been saying No to too many things for years and I'd better just quit that and sort this out.  Easy for her to say.  So I've been mentally compiling lists I would send her if I felt like having a fight:

"Play outside for 2 hours in flip flops and shorts when it's 45 degrees - yes or no?"

"Ice cream cone 15 minutes before dinner - yes or no?"

"Kool Aid for breakfast - yes or no?"

"Breakfast on the couch - yes or no?"

"Wants to skip brushing her teeth - yes or no?"

"Wants to buy a bunch of sweets at the grocery - yes or no?"

"Prepares to walk out the door and go down the street to a friend's without permission - yes or no?"

"Wants to play with computer after lights out - yes or no?"

I'm trying so hard to only say No when absolutely necessary but I have lost faith in my ability to know when to say no, and I'm afraid that I have created a poisoned relationship with my daughter that cannot be repaired.  And she's only 6!  I guess I should quit talking to my neighbor about this, eh?

I agree with those that say pick your battles. I had few rules with my two when they were little so I could consistently enforce them (kids now aged 6.5 girl and 3.5 boy). I focused on issues of safety, mouthing off or willfully disobeying (eg. not forgetting but looking you in the eye and still throwing those peas on the floor), and abusiveness (eg. you don't get to yell at mom, because mom never yells at you or biting etc). On food issues, hygiene (teeth brushing), clothing, etc. I put those off until they got through simple obedience training (so to speak) which was at 3-4 years old. Then I started working in those things - one every few weeks or so. If you're willing to live with the marker on the hands and arms, mismatched clothing, dessert sometimes before dinner, etc., they'll have fewer things to remember and more positive behavior you can focus on.

My daughter was a pill from about 2.5 to 4. Her punishment was to go to her room (devoid of toys) until she calmed down and didn't yell at mommy -- as early as 18 months. Kids understand a lot if you give them the chance. I'd give her 1 minute, then tell her again, calmly, on her level, firmly, "A, take a deep breath (demonstrate), calm down and be quiet." Then I'd make her wait 2 minutes and repeat the process. I'd keep going until she calmed down and then ask her to agree to not do it again, tell her I love her no matter what, but that I wouldn't let that behavior go unpunished. Yes, it sometimes took 20, 30 or more minutes. It wasn't easy and I often cried out of frustration during the screaming, kicking, door pounding, but it was more than worth it in hindsight. She's been pretty easy since then and she is still full of spirit and creativity, respectful of other kids and adults, and fun to be with. The tantrums are few and far between and she's much better at just talking to me about issues she has rather than screaming or crying about them.  

Hang in there and good luck to you!

that would try to hit back or kick or bite me.  I did, however, have kids that would go stiff, and scream at the top of their lungs.  For what it's worth, you handled your daughter in almost the exact way I handled my misbehaving children.  And yes...the hugs afterwards are important...especially for a two year old.

My parents did ok with us when we were kids...my husband's were way too strict and authoritarian and this has made him very unsure of acceptable discipline, too.  He's the push over....

Did your post bring back memories or what?  Something wrong with your child?  Nope.  I remember thinking the same thing about my daughter and being concerned.  Any number of times I looked up child counselors in the phone book after one of these tantrums.  I got quite a laugh out of yours covering arms and legs with marker.

You might have a creative, passionate artistic type.  This is how my daughter turned out.  She is 20, scary smart, passionate and musical and completely delightful.  We STILL have our moments.  She can be quite grouchy when she is hungry even still.

And biting during a tantrum can feel downright primitive.  

I think if you were both able to regroup and move on within a half hour, it's probably not anything to worry about.  If it kept happening, I might worry that she would begin to scare herself by not being able to remain in control.  That doesn't feel good to anyone.  But a one-time thing -- probably not a big deal.

She turned two in December and as sweet and lovable and fun as she is, she can also be a bull. Seriously. I have also wondered if this was normal or if there was something wrong with her. Reading this makes me feel so much better. Whew!

I typically let her get it out for a few minutes, then I try and talk it out while she's sitting it out. Once she feels like I understand her it usually gets better... the trick is getting to the understanding part. Ay ay ay.

The good news, they won't be two forever. The bad news, they won't be two forever. (sigh)

My sister had to turn the locks on my nephew's room so she could lock him in during a phase right around 2.5-3.5. I get some of the same, too. Refusal to go in time out has been going on, too.

Normal. Make you crazy, but normal. I posted on this topic on my blog, here's some tidbits for a laugh:

1. Accept that you are powerless. The tantrum, like all other natural disasters, will blow over. And be replaced by another in about five minutes.

2. Break into a spontaneous and stupid song and dance routine in the midst of the tantrum build up. It won't solve the problem, but it might buy you 30 second of levity. Or, your spouse will have you committed. Bonus vacation!

3. Try to limit the choices offered to your child to two at a time. Your child, will, of course always opt for a third — an unobtainable — option.

4. Logic need not apply. Face it, logic is not even on the table.

You can find the other six here.

At first. Then I'd be put in my room to have my tantrum with the door closed because "just because you want to have a fit doesn't mean I have to listen to it. Come on out when you're done."

It could have been killing my mom to listen to me scream and shout--in fact I'm sure it did--but I didn't know that. I just knew I'd lost my audience, which sort of kills the motivation.

Just a thought.