Mother Talkers

Imperfect Parents

by lilianna28

Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 10:59:52 AM PDT

I have never bought into the idea that feminists inherently believe that men are not important factor in a child's life. Essential? Maybe not. But when present and accounted for, or noticeably absent, the effect that any parent has on their child is undeniable. I have a great Dad, imperfect and loving and supportive and, sometimes, purposefully absent. The evolution of understanding my relationship with my Dad continues every day. It has been a long, strange process, very different than negotiating the murky waters of relating to my mom.

The reason I'm bringing it up is because I got in a "fight" with my Dad last weekend, and it still bugs almost a week later. I say "fight" because my Daddy and I don't fight, like my mom and I do, with words or looks or anything- essentially, we disagreed about politics and at the end of the conversation, I got a Disappointed Look. Oh that is the worst! Nothing makes me feel like I'm 10 years old more than that look!

Somewhere in the late 90s, my Dad became a Republican, and I cannot stand it. It smacks so hard against the adolescent adoration I still feel for my Dad from time to time. It's one more chink in the perfect shiny armor I built around him growing up.

  • ::

I used to believe my Dad was as close to perfect as any person could get. He was a Genius Scientist (which is true). He would tinker around and invent things, give presentations, and would publish his research all while holding down his day job. He was a Fabulous Teacher and Coach, and his students loved him. He played the Guitar and was in a band when he was younger. He could build almost anything with wood just by watching how on TV. He could Fix Anything. He sang silly songs and read to us at night and never yelled like my mom did. I can count on one hand the times he lost his temper with us, and only 1 time can I think of that I didn't really deserve it. All he asked was that the remote be where it belonged, and that you vacate his easy chair when he wanted to sit down.

It wasn't until I started dating my now-husband that I started to see through my belief in his perfection- meaning I held onto it for almost 20 years, stubbornly, it now seems. My Dad smokes, even though he told us all he didn't. He disappears when he disagrees with my mom, and leaves her in nasty moods she'll often pass on to us. He avoids confrontation to the point of neglect, leaving all the unpleasant parts of parenting- the execution of discipline being #1- to my mother. He is subtle in his criticism of certain things, so much so that it usually passes over his kid's heads but must be really obvious to my mother. He isn't entirely charitable to people outside of his family, and is quick to judge in a way I hadn't seen before. DH has let me know his stellar ability to fix anything is a bit more bluster and duct tape than I had thought. As he's gotten older, he's developed a curmudgeonly streak that is sometimes unbearably annoying. His disappointment is not always earned, and comes more easily.

Last weekend, my Dad called me young and naive for believing Obama could win any election. He told me when I got older, I'd learn that who the president is doesn't matter all that much (!), and that with some real life experience, I'd understand a little more. I guess working in corporate America for almost 10 years and having a 2 year old, a mortgage, a retirement plan, a marriage- well those don't offer much real life experience. Grrr Daddy... grrrr.

If I've learned anything from the slow fall from perfection I've felt towards my Dad, it's that there is danger in putting anyone on a pedestal. I've managed to contain my disappointment about his imperfection by letting it seep in slowly, but small things like our silly disagreement bug for weeks. I've learned that teamwork in parenting is more important than being more well-liked than the other parent. I love my DH, I don't want my children thinking I'm better or worse as a parent than he is.

Being a parent is tough. Being an "adult child" is pretty damn tough too. I'm still learning how to be both.

Lily and My Dad
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Tags: Dads and Daughters, parenting (all tags)

Permalink | 25 comments

  • Learning that love (0 / 0)

    means we can, and do, love the "imperfect".  That's quite a life lesson, isn't it?  

    I have great parents.  Sure, I had the normal amount of adolescent rebellion, but in the end, I could see that my parents patiently waited out those few years.  They loved me when I was being a brat, and I loved them when they were, and are, what they were and what they are.

    I'm not a perfect parent...but you know, I don't have perfect children, either.  I think that as parents, thats a trap we don't want to fall into.  If we put our children on such pedestals, we'll be sadly disappointed and start a cycle that's difficult to end.

    by tjb22 on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 11:05:37 AM PDT

    • i like that (0 / 0)

      They loved me when I was being a brat

      if I could do one thing differently than my mom did, I am going to seriously try to accept that kids rebel against parents they love, and that I can't take it totally personally. I think my mom always felt my teenage angst was an affront to her somehow, which in turn made me angry at her, which cycled for years.

      by lilianna28 on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 03:15:07 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Ouch. (0 / 0)

    Your diary delves into a mine of multi-layered issues that I imagine affect all children as they become adults and parents themselves.  

    Lots of what you wrote reminds me of ways my parents didn't fit into the picture I had of them in my mind and heart.  It is a difficult reality to embrace that the people we love (parents, friends, spouses, partners) sometimes miss the mark on how we perceive them, or hope that they are.   I think that is one of the most difficult situations we all face emotionally throughout life.   I know it's been a great challenge for me over the years so I totally empathize with what your wrote.

    One thing I have found that is healthier for me is to try to not hold onto negative feelings for any length of time.  For me those feelings begin to have power and an unhealthy effect on my well-being.  They area a drain and as much as I can, I try to resolve them and let them go.

    By the way, the picture you posted is adorable.  Your Dad sounds like he was/is an awesome Dad.  He had so many talents and ways of expressing them.  Good luck with sorting out your feelings.

    karen

    by karen m on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 12:17:29 PM PDT

    • agreed (0 / 0)

      One thing I have found that is healthier for me is to try to not hold onto negative feelings for any length of time

      I'm still learning on that one, but I absolutely agree. When my mom pushes my buttons ,I do my best to have the emotion, own it, and push it the hell away. I don't hold grudges or anything like that anymore. With my dad, it's still a learning, but you're absolutely right.

      by lilianna28 on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 03:13:14 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • I'm still learning too. (0 / 0)

        Every single day.  

        I'm on my way out in the morning at 4am to go look at colleges with my daughter --- aak!  Where did the time go?  Too, too, too fast, way too fast.  I'm excited and nostalgic.

        karen

        by karen m on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 09:14:26 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • politics (0 / 0)

    On the politics stuff, I think I learned the best lesson ever while watching Comedy Central last night.  This comedian Steve Byrne was on (kind of raunchy humor for the most part) but this line stuck with me.

    He was talking about how we should just shouldn't talk about politics with people that we know we don't agree with and he said that whenever anyone starts talking about politics just say, "I don't know man, this is America." and walk away.  

    You will have gotten out of the conversation and they won't know what the heck you're talking about. Good advice during this political season!

    by NJmom on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 12:26:47 PM PDT

  • asdf (0 / 0)

    I can see where your Dad is coming from when he says it doesn't matter who the president is. My grandmother voted in every election she could, but she stopped when she was in her 70s, saying "It doesn't matter who wins. They're all idiots." I'm an independent partially because I agree with that worldview. I always feel I'm choosing the lesser of two evils.

    It seems like this could be a great jumping off point for a conversation about why your Dad feels that way, but I think you have to do away with the idea that being a Republican is a 'chink' in his armor.  Instead, assume that he has his own valid experiences upon which his political views are based. This is how you want him to view your politics, right?

    My mom recently left the Democratic party after 45 years of staunch support. It's been very informative--and sad--to hear about how disappointed she is in the American political process.

    As for the comment that you are young and naive--compared to your parents you ARE! No matter how long you work, no matter how old your kids are, no matter how long you've been paying the mortgage, the "real world experience" math will always work in their favor! You can't fight it...kid. ;)

    by sangfroid on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 01:01:17 PM PDT

    • how much does it matter? (0 / 0)

      I don't think it matters much who the president is.  A little, perhaps.  I think it matters a huge amount which party holds the white house, and whether the congress is aligned or in opposition.  And I believe it matters just as much which faction of the party is in power (neocons, DLC, whatever).  Beyond their alignment, though, I'm not sure the individual is all that important.

      That's why my Obama preference has been fairly muted.  I'm hoping the enthusiasm he inspires can translate into a little extra political mojo, to move things along just a little further than a generic democrat would be able to.  I'm not sure I believe it - I'm old, and getting more curmudgeonly every year.  But I feel more optimistic than I've felt in years.  

      by lyn on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 08:00:54 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Not sure about (0 / 0)

        how much it matters who's president, but with the political climate being the way its been for the past 15 years, I'm pretty tired of feeling as if I have to go around censoring myself lest I say the slightest thing that someone finds so offensive they get mad.

        by tjb22 on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 09:10:02 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • Matters (0 / 0)

        because of the party affiliation, for sure. It matters for the future of that party, as one presidential "mishap" can set the party back for years, it matters if the president is charismatic enough to buoy the other party members into positions and it matter for the Supreme Court and other appointed positions. I think it matters a heck of a lot. Not in terms of that one person being able to make some sort of significant change with his or her own person, but as a leader, symbol of that change, yeah I think it matters a lot.

        by lilianna28 on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 08:31:18 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I want it to matter (0 / 0)

          I hope you're right.  There certainly is a big difference between Bush Jr and Bush Sr.  And we probably wouldn't be where we are today without Reagan's charisma.  On a good day I believe Obama could be our Reagan.  But my youthful optimism took a big hit when Reagan was elected and has been repeatedly pummeled over the last 28 years.  I think it's easy to see why I'm a bit jaded.

          by lyn on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 10:42:44 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      • I think it matters .... (0 / 0)

        Not for the president per se, but for who he has as his cabinet/advisors.  And the president DOES pick them.

        Look at JFK -- he didn't know all, but look at his advisors -- good and bad -- and what an impact they had.  Bay of Pigs, Cuban Missile Crisis.  Two descriptions of JFK.

        Who knows how much the Senate and House does?  Sometimes a lot, sometimes little.  We don't know much of what goes on behind the scenes.

        One thing I DO know, though -- the GOP will always be bad in charge of either the House or Senate.  

        by Shell on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 09:50:37 AM PDT

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    • like hell it doesn't matter... (0 / 0)

      I think it's safe to assume our country would be in a much different place today if we were under the leadership of President Gore. For one, I don't think we'd be mired in the Iraq war.

      by Erika on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 10:58:26 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • As a parent.... (0 / 0)

    My husband and I are both 55.  Our kids are 20 and almost 23.  We are seeing now how we are becoming annoying old farts to them.  I think this happens when they grow into adults.

    My son says we used to be so cool especially when he sees old pictures of us backpacking through Colorado, Montana, and Wyoming.

    I think the thing to remember when you look at your old parents with all of their imperfections is that no matter what---politics OR giving up camping for nice hotels---your parents love you with all of their heart as much as they did when you were first born.

    by janetle on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 01:30:17 PM PDT

  • Omnipotence (0 / 0)

    Once I realized that my folks were not omnipotent life got much better. I think I was 12.

    by GiGi on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 04:11:36 PM PDT

  • Your dad sounds a lot like mine (0 / 0)

    the Republican scientist part.

    We used to argue a lot about politics, but I've pretty much given up touching the subject and so has he.  While in some ways this feels shallow, at least we aren't constantly arguing.

    Katherine

    by pat of butter in a sea of grits on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 06:47:19 PM PDT

    • asdf (0 / 0)

      While in some ways this feels shallow, at least we aren't constantly arguing.

      I hear you. We don't argue often about things, which is why it bugs when we do, but I hear you on the "feeling shallow" about NOT talking about topics. I think there is futility in banging my head against the wall with someone who is diametrically opposed to my beliefs, but I don't think it's bad to have the discussion when you don't agree; hence your shallow comment giving me pause. It does feel "shallow" when I ignore topics so as not to fight.

      I think what bugged me most, thinking about it more, was the way he ended the argument- not with reason, or a better point or even by pointing out that I was getting overly emotional or anything, but by pulling this "you're young, I'm old." card. It felt beneath what I thought his level of intelligence was, you know?

      by lilianna28 on Sun Mar 30, 2008 at 03:11:41 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • You're young ... (0 / 0)

        "... but by pulling this "you're young, I'm old." card. It felt beneath what I thought his level of intelligence was, you know?"

        Well, I'm old, too -- and you are right and he is wrong (about politics).  LOL  This is something that bugs me about my mother.  Not so long ago, we had to take their word on it, in many ways.  But today, with all the technology, we can SEE and HEAR what went on 20, 50, 75 years ago.  A lot of this, "I am old" doesn't work anymore.  EXPERIENCE?  Yes.  But just knowing things, no.

        by Shell on Mon Mar 31, 2008 at 09:59:07 AM PDT

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  • Are there any other kind? (0 / 0)

    :>)

    karen

    by karen m on Sat Mar 29, 2008 at 07:46:47 PM PDT

Permalink | 25 comments