Mother Talkers

The Lemonade of Being A Single Mom

by singlemominLA

Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 02:36:59 PM PDT

I thought that I'd write on this Easter day, a day I wish my son was with me (and a day my son should be with me, but that will be reserved for another future blog entitled "Diatribe Against an Unreasonable Dad in a Custody Situation")...but my very first blog will be about  how blessed I feel on this Easter Day to be a mother, and given my situation, how lucky I feel to be a single mom. Here are a few reasons. Read on.

  1.  Numero Uno: My son and I are both alive.  I feel especially grateful because three years ago we almost didn't make it.  At 28 weeks pregnancy, I came down with severe eclampsia out of nowhere. At 28 weeks, my blood pressure skyrocketed to 190/100, all my organs started shutting down, the hospital staff kept asking me for my "Advanced Directive", doctors weren't very hopeful to my mother and sister sitting outside my door (I was in the windowless surgical ward for 2 days) as I lay near death and coma, heavily sedated on magnesium sulfate, and then rushed to surgery for C-section to deliver a 2 lb. baby., who spent 3 months in the hospital thereafter. Today, my formerly premature son is a strapping 35 pound 3 year old, who is exuberant, delightful and a real spitfire. No one would ever know he was a preemie, and severely preemie at that. And since then, I've regained my health.
  1. I still have my friends -- from high school, college, grad school, writing classes -- all in tact. That is the plus of being a single mom vs. a nuclear family. And this is the one big plus I'm mentioning, because clearly I would prefer to have a helpful, loving husband and mate to help raise my son. But since I don't, it's great to have my single (and married) female and male friends still in my life. I have a custody schedule so I can still go out and see movies, hike, go to yoga classes, even roadtrip for the day with friends. The major complaint of most of my nuclear famiily couples I know is that all their pre-baby day friends have hightailed it from their households. Maybe they tried to be in each other's lives for a bit, but, for whatever reason (and I think it's partially misunderstanding), former single friends think families  want family time on the weekends and families think their single friends are out having fun and don't want to hang out with babies squalling, two-year olds ranting, a visit full of distraction and not being able to finish a full sentence directed at an adult. I get to have both though...and love the combination of continued interesting adult conversation and hang out time with my friends and then hours of playdough, running at the park, poop talk and silly songs with my son.

There's a lot more positives of being a single mom -- but I'll save that for another day when my son is jumping on his father's bed and making a mess of his home -- and I have peace and quiet and time to write here. Custody can be a  plus, especially when one's a writer and a single mom.

Tags: Single Mom, custody, friendships (all tags)

Permalink | 16 comments

  • wow! (0 / 0)

    sounds like you had quite a journey to get where you are! I can imagine how grateful you are for your little guy; thank goodness you are both okay now.

    by Lisa in Austin on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 03:59:50 PM PDT

  • it gives you a chance to miss your son (0 / 0)

    as crazy as it sounds, someimes i need the chance to miss my kids

    i was a single mom for eight years with my son (his dad and i separated when our son was seven months old)

    i rarely get the chance to miss my little girls, but i often get the chance to miss my son.  he spends each weekend with his dad.

    by thankgodforairamerica on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 04:00:56 PM PDT

  • interesting intro diary (0 / 0)

    singlemom. Nice to meet you, and congratulations on your beautiful son!

    by Rachel on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 04:47:27 PM PDT

  • Welcome from another single mom (0 / 0)

    I co-parent my nearly 9 (ack! 9! ) year old with my ex husband who has her every other week - so a week with me a week with him -- and the quiet and down time ARE nice but boy do I miss her...makes me me appreciate her all the more when she's here!

    by MKatherine1966 on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 05:33:59 PM PDT

    • you're ahead of me on the custody sked (0 / 0)

      M Katherine,

      I empathize a lot, as right now my son is only 3 and so no more than 2 days go by that I don't see him, and those days I miss him so much. Yet, I go into busy cleaning, grocery shopping, writing, filling in my weekends with friends, and do enjoy the down time to write and read. But I still miss him so all the while. I'm not looking forward to the alternating week sked which is supposed to happen when he's 5.

      Do you and your husband live near each other or does your daughter have to commute a long way from home to home? What age did you start this sked? And how has your daughter responded to not seeing you for a whole week....or her dad for a whole week? I'm wondering how children react to this. Thanks..whenever you have the time to get back to me.

      And it feels nice to be in a community of single moms. I've had zero community for this up to this point....so my heart feels glad to have met some of you.

      singlemominLA

      by singlemominLA on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 09:34:16 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • We actually just went to this schedule (0 / 0)

        last June. she was five when we got divorced and we did the Sat night - Wed morning thing at my house Wed night- Sat evening thinga t her dads house for 3 years -- we only live a couple miles apart and I'm great friends with my ex husband and his new wife and they are with me and my partner.  Our mediator (we had the worlds easiest divorce seriously, 2 mediation sessions, no lawyers, bim bam boom done)  suggested that in the earlier years shorter more frequent stays are better than longer stays and that worked for quite some time but Liza was having some issues last year that we really think were borne out of her making too many transitions in a week so we tried this and it worked BEAUTIFULLY.  She transitions on Monday now so for example, she's been with her dad all week and he will bring her to school today and i"ll pick her up at the end of the day.  There's a little shuttling of stuff back and forth sometimes but not too bad.  And honestly I RARELY go a whole week without seeing her -- yesterday she altar served 9am Easter mass, my ex husband brought her and we sat together at mass then she came home with me for  few hours for Easter baskets and breakfast before going to Easter dinner with her dad and his family.  We're also always helping each other out when we have conflicts. if I have a show night (I work in a theater) for example and can't take her to ballet/jazz class or like a few weeks ago when he got married I kept her a few extra days so she could have a honeymoon.  It's been a GREAT schedule but I have to say the shorter schedule worked better when she was little -- she sort of grew into this one!

        by MKatherine1966 on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 03:36:18 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • thanks for sharing your story (0 / 0)

          M Katherine,

          Thanks for sharing this all with me. You have worked it out beautifully. Do you mind my asking what state you live in? I ask this because custody issues really are different from state to state. Thanks!

          singlemominLA

          singlemominLA

          by singlemominLA on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 07:50:08 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • Not at all. I live in NH (0 / 0)

            and honestly we pretty much figured everything out ourselves with a little guidance from the mediator but when we went from the half weeks to the full weeks we just did it - we didn't go back to our arragnment and have it formalized or anything.  We have total shared custody and share all expenses -- he pays her school tuition and I pay for camps and after care and at the end of each month we compare expenses (who paid for ballet, who paid for hot lunch orders or field trips etc..) and if one of us paid more the other 'settles up" to bring it inot balance. again this is just something we came up with, not court ordered. We alternate who gets to file HOH and claim liza - he gets odd years I get even years so I monitor my witholding to make sure that I don't get in trouble on the years I can't claim her.  It does help that we are still good friends too and I know I'm lucky in that regard!

            by MKatherine1966 on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 07:56:09 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  • perks (0 / 0)

    i am a single mom. my son's father (who is very devoted) and share equal time. we sit down and map out each week as both of our schedules are highly variable  due to us both being deejays.

    i value my time to myself soooo much. i am kind of a loner, so i need lots of time to myself. i like quiet. it helps me to be a better mom to get these times to myself. and i do enjoy the adult friendships i have and am able to maintain at this point.

    We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - E.R. Murrow

    by lorin on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 08:36:17 PM PDT

    • it's great that you and your ex co-parent so wel; (0 / 0)

      Lorin,

      Thanks for writing back...You're extremely fortunate to have an ex that cooperates with you, that you can sit down with and map things out with, and that each of you works on being flexible with the other. I envy you so much that you have this. I have nothing like this with my son's father. It's all in the courts because my son's father keeps taking me to court, rather than sit down over the littlest things. I will blog about this in a diary as it's truly amazing what can happen if one's ex is very angry and very unreasonable.  

      Anyway, I do agree with you about valuing alone time.  I, too, need lots of time alone -- to just quietly drink a cup of tea and stare out the window ..to hike, to read, to take a bath, to watch movies, to chat with friends all over the country, to clean out the fridge...

      I'm curious , though, about how your child/children like the 50-50 schedule.  How old are your children and when did you start this sked? I wonder about children's feelings about the back and forth. It sounds like you don't do alternating weeks, but rather, since you map out the week, that your child/children see both of you in the week? Is that so?

      singlemominLA

      by singlemominLA on Sun Mar 23, 2008 at 09:43:16 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • here's the other thing I can tell you (0 / 0)

        kids pick up your clues -- I try really hard not to say to Liza 'oh I was so lonely. Oh I missed you' b/c then that makes HER feel sad. Instead I say "tell me about what fun things you did with daddy last week'  -- now we even have this sort of short hand -- when I pick her up on the first day of "my week" she'll say to me " Soooooo........?"  and I'll say "soooooooo?" and she'll say "tell me about your week..." and then I'll say " no tell me about YOURRRRR week" and we get the giggles. But if YOU are sad and mopey the kids will be sad and mopey ...you know what I mean.
        the other advice I can give you is get the book moms house/dad's house -- and go about this with the purpose that you are CREATING two loving homes for your child -- focus on the fact that they have TWO awesome places to call home rather than that they've 'lost' one home.  does that make sense?  It's all in how you spin it!

        by MKatherine1966 on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 08:03:29 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I wish you were my neighbor, Katie (0 / 0)

          I wish I had a crusty/sarcastic, musical-and-theater-loving, optimistic person like you living in the same street as me, Katie... Gee, it'd be fun.

          by Rachel on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 05:13:30 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

        • I know exactly what you mean, Katie (0 / 0)

          Katie,

          you are so right. I think so much of what you wrote holds true for everybody with children, regardless of custody situations.  As parents we set the emotional climate for our children's lives. There is a place for sadness when the situation is precisely that (a birthday party gets canceled, or an animal gets sick, etc.) but as an everyday climate -- I think it's our responsibility -- as much as it is to provide food, shelter, and education -- to provide a laughter-filled household, full of song and dance and inside jokes and simple silliness.

          Thanks again...I love the little dialogue you have with your daughter when you see each other again...My son's just 3 and I'm just about to be able to have longer conversations with him..I think it's great to have this open-ended  "So..." and fill in the space..II'm looking forward to giggly sharing of each other's weeks with my son. Right now we reconnect in the moment  by calling out the colors of garbage trucks (it's all about trucks at this age) or little in-jokes (when I say Excuse me with a French accent) or we talk about the roadtrip we just took and the thousand cows ("stinky cows" we came across).. In general, my motto is, regardless of a custody situation, just being a mom to a little 3 year old boy: is a good day is when we play in the dirt and we laugh a lot, which is basically every day.

          I just wondered how schedules work for other people as their are multiple choices in the future for how time is split between parents. I think it depends on distance of parents, schools, parents' work skeds,etc.

          And I will read the book you recommend. My natural attitude is to tallk about how fun it is at both mom's and dad's houses and that he has TWO HOMES.. . It's easier for me to have this attitude, I must say, because it was my choice.

          singlemominLA

          by singlemominLA on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 07:38:16 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • I love it. (0 / 0)

    I love that you have made your single mom status into such a positive situation.. No doubt your son will benefit from your positive outlook.

    I have a custody schedule so I can still go out and see movies, hike, go to yoga classes, even roadtrip for the day with friends. The major complaint of most of my nuclear famiily couples I know is that all their pre-baby day friends have hightailed it from their households.

    This is exactly what happened to me. All my single, un-married, un-mommy friends have all but disappeared from my life; I miss them, naturally, but I wouldn't trade them in for my two little "lechugas". It's great that you have been able to blend your old-self with the new-self + 1. I'm still trying to figure out how to get some "me time" so that I don't go crazy. There are many things I used to do that I just can't anymore. Although right now my focus is on enjoying them now since before I know it they'll be off to school every day. (sigh)

    I'm going to show your post to my single friend who is having a hard time with her divorce. Thanks for sharing this!

    by sandrab on Mon Mar 24, 2008 at 11:21:36 PM PDT

    • I'm so glad you think this could help your friend (0 / 0)

      Hi Sandrab,

      Thanks for your kindness. I have tried - as you say -- to make my single mom status positive-- and "tried" is the operative word, because some days it does require effort...but most days, it does come easy as I'm just enjoying motherhood so much. Yet, I'm so ridiculously exhausted and have become frighteningly forgetful due to no sleep, but I try to not be too bothered by myself these days..and whenever I judge myself, I stop and tell myself I need a nap.  I'm sure you know what I'm talking about with two little ones. As for the non-mommy friends disappearing, I've had my fair share of those, too. I think that a lot of my friends are fellow writers, directors, actors -- and because I'm still being able to be my old-self (as you say) that has helped many of these people stay in my life. Some remain in my life, despite my having a child. Others stay in my life and have befriended both me and my son. The latter are the best friends to have. But they are rare.

      And I am so happy you can show this to your friend. I never had to go through divorce . I think it must be very hard to be a single mom and going through divorce. I hope your friend will feel better with your help.

      singlemominLA

      by singlemominLA on Wed Mar 26, 2008 at 12:03:40 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • thanks for sharing! (0 / 0)

    It's great to hear from you and to imagine your life which sounds wonderfully full and balanced. I'm especially appreciating reading your post after reading elisa's and dana's diaries on the Prudie piece.

    by Stacey on Tue Mar 25, 2008 at 02:11:33 PM PDT

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