And to me, that means that if she stays with him and wants him in group activities, that you can be polite and civil with him. No more, no less.

Are you worried he'll cheat with another woman in your group? Obviously, it takes two.

I have a good friend who went through something similar - maybe 15 years ago. She and the husband seem to be doing OK these days. There were no kids. It might have felt more righteous if she'd left him but I can't honestly say or believe that she would be better off today if she had.

but we have some very close friends, and several years ago, one of them cheated. No children involved, so it was not the same situation.

It was acknowledged by all, not just a rumor or speculation. The couple decided to work it out and stay together -- they had been together for about 14 years at the time.

Basically, the conclusion I came to was that if the wronged party in the relationship could forgive, so could I. It was not as difficult as I would have thought it would be. I loved both of them; we had been friends for years and had been through a lot together. They have been together 11 years since the affair, and we remain close friends.

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not. I think it's different when kids are involved; and if I had not been so close to both of them it might have been different. You may be closer to the woman, and have a harder time forgiving her spouse.

And, it took time. It was uncomfortable to be around them both for awhile, but time can be a great healer.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck with your friendship. I know it is not easy.

I'm a grudge holder.  I am still mad at my friend's ex for cheating on her and I'm sure she's totally over it - it ended their marriage though.  

Cheating is the one sin I cannot handle.  It's great that other people can forgive but I don't seem to have the capacity to forgive.  

and she's chosen to reconcile with her husband, I think you have to accept that he will appear at group activities. You don't have to be super-warm and friendly to him -- you should exhibit basic courtesy, though. (A brief greeting) You can always talk to other people there instead of him.

You can also try to organize mom's-night-out type events too, so you can spend time with her without him. But as long as other women's partners are included, as long as she wants him there, he must be included.

To do anything else would be punishing her for

1. confiding in her friends

2. trying to keep her family together

3. trying to maintain her friendships

If you see him doing anything inappropriate, that's another matter, of course... but at the moment, all you know is that he committed a great offense against his wife, and she has chosen to try to work things out with him.

and I were talking yesterday. She and her husband have been in counseling since the week after they got married- it was probably an ill advised match. He's an ass. I cannot stand him.

BUT yesterday, my BFF (hee!) says to me "You know what I appreciate most about you, and (another friend)? You know what an ass he's been, but you don't treat him any differently. You don't sit there and make him feel stupid or excluded or anything. His friends treat me like crap and make silly comments (like, all guys like porn, you know) and it's awful. I really appreciate it."

SO I guess that's my answer. DH and I bitch and bitch and bitch about him in the car on the ride home ALL THE TIME (he has even taken to "confiding" in my DH about this that annoy him about her- HELLO, this is the HUSBAND OF HER BEST FRIEND! He likes HER not YOU douche. Your shared genitalia does not a buddy make). But we suck it up for her sake.

Ditto for my old college roommate and close friend- her hubby? Is in jail. He was found guilty of statutory with a minor (one of his HS students) The case seemed weak as hell, she believes with every inch of her being that he did nothing wrong, and therefor so do I. I treat him no differently.

I would agree with others here.  In the end this is a personal situation and is not your business.  It seems a little unfair to exclude her as an unintended consequence of excluding her husband.

Adultery isn't catching.  He may not be a nice guy, or maybe he isn't so horrible but made a big mistake.  But it seems a little harsh to "dump" a set of friends because the husband did something wrong which they have worked through.

I believe in forgiveness.   I also don't like to label people as "cheater" "philanderer" or "adulterer" because there is much more to a person than this one aspect of their lives.  Look beyond it, put it behind you.  People have good qualities, look for those and you will find them.

Ugh, when I was younger, but old enough to be horrified, my mother's boss had an affair with a neighbor.  How did I find out? My mother told me, which was probably NOT a great idea.

The boss and his wife worked it out, and the neighbors didn't move.  They all stayed friendly over the years.  I think the boss and his wife have probably been married close to 35 years now.  

I thought the whole thing was really appalling, but over the years as I've grown and mellowed (and married) I realized how we can never know what is truly going on between two people in a marriage and that is why I cannot judge him (or her) for their decisions.

Time will pass, and if their reconciliation is successful, you will be able to forgive him.  

and even in a situation as complex as this. if someone has worked it out then i say great.  as for her husband...well i would bet he knows he isn't going to embraced with open arms any time soon. but if she forgave him, then i'd try to put it behind me too.

and how this relates to my feeling about spitzer?  what the spitzers do privately to handle this is their decision and i wish them the best. i can imagine if there is anything left in their relationship they would want to work it out for their entire family.

for whatever reason many women saw spitzer debacle as the last public straw.  i think we are collectively getting sick of watching some elected putz drag his wife with him before the cameras for the public humiliation.  as i said before it reeks of abuse to me.  although silda spitzer may have likely had very good reasons and i can even imagine many of them. but from a public pov maybe it's time for the putzs of the world to gather up themselves and face it alone. it might even help them as for me...it only makes me loathe them more. what he and they do in private is theirs to decide.  i give her and their daughters all the positive thoughts and compassion in the world. and if she were my friend and they worked it out, i'd extend that compassion to him as well, putz that he is.  perhaps this is just what the universe intended for him..a real reckoning and a chance to become a decent and completely integrated person.  one can only hope.

It's NOT your place to "forgive" him or "trust" him-you're not married to him.

Think about this carefully, slowly, UNselfishly, and while DISmounted from that high horse:

1. You're talking about <del>at most</del> social activities with him  (if you're doing couple's activities) and mainitaining a friendship with her-which she will undoubtedly need right now. (Keep in mind that if you make her choose between you and him, you know what she'll do.)

2. She revealed information to you in her time of need when she was in a great deal of pain. If she wishes she could take it back, it's probably because she senses the judgementalism.

3. Are all the people in your group above reproach or sin and sully-free? I can give you a money back guarantee that there's other funny business going on in your group that you have not found out about yet or have yet to discover. Why? Because human nature is a remarkable animal.

For godssake-Be a friend and DON'T make things harder and more humiliating for her than they already are.

I agree with others, I think to be a good friend to the woman you have to accept the guy back into the friend group. That doesn't mean you have to be best friends with him, but I think that by being friendly and acting normal with him, you will be supporting your friend in a big way. I would guess she'll be grateful to you for it.

My view on infidelity in marriages is that sometimes it's a red flag that someone isn't getting what they need, not just in terms of sex. If the people choose to try to work it out, maybe they've come to view that episode as a wake up call to improve their marriage. Or maybe they're staying together because of the kids. Either way, there are good motives there and maybe you can focus on that to help you deal with him in social situations.

maybe we shouldn't be so quick to jump on politicians when it happens.  

We also have friends that went through this -- the wife cheated, husband agreed to try to work it out.  We vacation with this couple (and several others) and when he brought her on a couple of trips, we were all nice enough which she went out of her way to tell us was appreciated.  

They weren't able to work it out and the whole thing is heartbreaking on many dimensions.  

--R

but this a different situation.  My husband didn't want a divorce back then, though he would have saved himself a lot of trouble.  He did want to leave after the craziness related to my pregnancy, and now maybe he won't and I think we have put our friends in a difficult position, but ultimately they respect how we choose to live our lives.

I guess you should try to be as civil to the guy as his current behavior allows.  Of course you won't trust him, but you can judge him on whether he's continuing to be an asshole.

I think most of us would have a lot of inner questions on how to deal with this if it happened to us. I know I would.

I would go with the others and welcome the couple back and be civil if not friendly. Your friend is coming to you again for support and while it's going to be tough, you need to do it again.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to read and respond.  I posted the diary because I needed some objectivity on the situation, and that's exactly what you all gave me.

It's so hard to see the big picture when you are embroiled in a problem.  You MT'ers gave me lots to think about.  Thanks!