Mother Talkers

Delighted to be here!

Wed Feb 20, 2008 at 10:14:57 AM PDT

I would like to introduce myself.  My husband is a member of Daily Kos and after I had some negative experiences in an online forum, he suggested that I try Mother Talkers!  I like the way women are allowed to open up here, and share anything.  I am having trouble with the layout of the board, because I am used to a different format, but I will persevere.

My name is Suzi and I am a native to Southern California. I attended high school in the 80's and was lucky to be accepted to the only college to which I applied - UC Irvine.  I left my cozy life, filled with music and performing in the high school choir, and felt instantly lost and alone at UCI.  I was emotionally unready for college.  I went through the motions and only changed my major once - from "Social Science" to a more concentrated "Psychology." I got my BA in 1989 and went on to study for a Master's degree.  My career goal was to become an academic counselor.  Little did I know, I would earn my degree but because of a lack of any experience whatsoever, I would never work in that field.  What did I do?  I worked as a buyer for a store specializing in Apple Macintosh computers!

My husband and I met at that computer store in 1992 and we were married in September of 1993.  We bought a 1-bedroom condominium near our workplace in 1996 as I was certain I wanted a child-free marriage. My husband secretly knew I would change my mind. By early 1997, I got a baby ache and after treatment for cervical dysplasia, we were given the green light to try to conceive.  I was pregnant by the Spring of 1997 and after a few months, we sold the condo and bought a 2-bedroom house.

Things did not go smoothly during that first pregnancy.  I started to dilate at 26 weeks and was placed on bedrest with a visiting home health nurse.  She discovered that I was having contractions during a routine visit (I was feeling nothing out of the ordinary), and I ended up in the hospital at 28 weeks. They told me my baby would be born that day!  I was pumped with drugs to stop the contractions and finally, they succeeded.  I was sent home with more monitoring devices and Terbutaline.  I made it to 36 weeks - after 10 weeks of bedrest - and my baby boy was born healthy and fine, 6 pounds, 7 ounces.  He spent 4 days in the NICU for jaundice.

I was happy to be a stay-at-home mom and I enjoyed doing everything with our son.  We only had one car, so I walked everywhere with my little guy in the stroller.  On days when I needed the car, we'd simply take DH to work and then pick him up at the end of the day.  

Like many couples, we were enjoying parenthood so much that we decided to try for a second.  My doctor had a bright idea - a cerclage would give me a normal pregnancy this second time around and I wouldn't dilate early.  Super!  Only it didn't work out that way.  The cerclage was placed but my cervix was so fragile, it was not an ideal installation.  I was, therefore, placed on bedrest at 14 weeks.  And yes, I had a toddler at home.  It actually worked out pretty well.

At 32 weeks, my water broke suddenly.  I went to the hospital and they told me the amniotic fluid was replenishing so if I would just hang out there for a couple of weeks, I would grow the baby bigger and I would likely go into labor naturally.  At 33 weeks, 4 days, that is what happened.  My beautiful daughter was born, weighing 5 pounds, 13 ounces.  She spent 8 days in the NICU but it nearly killed her.

On the 7th day, I was visiting her for a feeding and the nurse told me to breast feed her for awhile but if she didn't get enough, she would have to warm up a bottle of my expressed milk and I could feed her.  Great.  I popped the bottle into her mouth and twisted it around and spotted the name on the bottle - not mine!  I pulled it out of her mouth - she had not even started to suck yet - and informed the staff.  At first, I thought, eww, kinda gross.  But then they pulled me aside and talked to me about HIV and Hepatitis as potential contaminants in breast milk.   I held her as they pumped her stomach and then gavage fed her the right milk.  I have never cried so hard in my life.  I thought that this blunder had robbed her of her potential for a healthy life.  All of the moms who had milk stored in the NICU freezer had their blood tested.  Thankfully, the mom whose milk DD got was healthy. My daughter was going to be okay!

Those kids are now 10 and 7 years old. They're extremely bright and they are one another's closest friend. I'm still a SAHM and I am fortunate to have a tiny income working from home, doing typing for an appraiser.  It's incredibly interesting but there is not enough work to generate real "fun" money.  We live frugally out of necessity, as my DH's modest income won't allow us the kind of lifestyle most people enjoy in our area.

My "extracurricular" activities include membership in three choirs and a UU church.  I am on the PTA board at my daughter's school.  Both kids are scouts.  We have a dog (a Cardigan Welsh Corgi) and I have enjoyed training him, plus taking him for long walks which is my only exercise.  Occasionally you can find me working in our garden or prowling Craig's List for fabulous furniture finds.  I love to bake goodies and I do some sewing for fun. I'm excited at the prospect that Obama may become our next president.

Thank you for allowing me to post this long-winded introduction and I am looking forward to getting to know all of you.

Tags: Introduction, Orange County, CA, Southern California, UU, frugal living, Corgi, PTA (all tags)

Permalink | 31 comments

  • Hi Suzi! (0 / 0)

    Welcome!

    Are you still in Southern California? I moved to Orange County last April. I'm a SoCal native but left for college at 18 and managed to be away for 14 years! I am happy to be back.

    Let us know if you have any questions about the site. You already posted a diary so you seem to have the hang of it!

    And FYI, periodically we do "Getting to Know You" threads where people introduce themselves so we know a bit more about each other. The last one will give you some background on all the awesome ladies who post here.

    • See, I haven't figured out how to post yet.. (0 / 0)

      I meant to reply to you under your post.  Kinda fun being a newbie.

      Hey, Erika, how bizarre is this?  I just opened up the (new format!) local paper and saw photos of reporters.  One is for a reporter named Erika. Then I read your entry where you say that you are a reporter.  Hey, that's YOU, isn't it!?

      Isn't serendipity a hoot?

      (If that's not you, it's your twin!)

      • Hey Suzi (0 / 0)

        yup, that's me. :-) So it looks like we're neighbors, as I live in Irvine, too! Make sure to pass any juicy news tips my way...

        By the way, a much longer version of that story ran in today's Register, on the cover of the Life section.

        • oh and for the record... (0 / 0)

          ...that's not the best picture I've ever taken. :-/

        • Neighbors, yes, and... (0 / 0)

          Your daughter's birthday is the same as my son's!

          Juicy news tips...yeah...you got it!  Something interesting <cough, cough> is bound to happen in this city one of these days.  Actually, the biggest thing to hit home for me personally is the completion of IVC's PAC.  Love, love, love that new building!

          The next big thing will be the completion of the In-N-Out in The District.  Nobody will be able to get out of that parking lot, but hey, they won't starve!

  • Hi Suzi! (0 / 0)

    I'm Carissa, have a 2.5 year old little girl and an 11 week old little boy.  DH and I met in high school in So Cal, and we did a 3 year stint in Irvine while he attended UCI (graduated in 2003).  It has got to be the most boring university ever, btw.  we moved to the SF bay so I could attend UC Berkeley, and are looking at relocating to Portland, OR.

    So, where are you, now?

  • Hi, Erika (0 / 0)

    Yes, still in Orange County!  We were fortunate to be able to buy a 3-bedroom when our daughter was a toddler so the kids each have their own room.  The property values have climbed so high, we couldn't afford to buy our house at its current market value so we are here to stay!  

    I need to figure out how to read this board in such a way that I don't miss important information.  I am used to a different style of forum (called threaded posts, maybe?) but I'll figure it out.  Thanks so much for the heads up on the "Getting to Know You" threads.  Brilliant idea.  I will go check those out!

    • If (0 / 0)

      If you reply to the comment that you are replying to (like Erika's above, where it says "Reply to this") it will come up like a reply to her instead of the whole thread, I think that's what you mean by a threaded post?

      : )

  • Welcome! (0 / 0)

    Sounds like you are a busy mom!

    That milk story is awful!  I harbored a secret fear about milk mix ups just like that happening at daycare, when I was pregnant with my first.  I ended up quitting my job after he came anyway, so fear averted!  (Not that that was the only reason.)

    Anyway, welcome!

    • oh man, (0 / 0)

      I have been spending too much time at a really crappy preschool lately.  One of the many gross things I've observed is one kid going around and taking sips out of everyone else's sippy cups when they were sitting out on a countertop.  (An even grosser thing was the kid who took sips of water from his cup, or from a puddle outside, and then spit them out on other kids' heads.  He was the kid I was there to observe, and I am not looking forward to their IEP meeting tomorrow, since the parents insist the kid's only challenge is speech/language.)

      • Good luck (0 / 0)

        tomorrow, mamacita. Nothing worse than a parent with their head in the sand.
      • Uh.. Yeah... that does sound (0 / 0)

        like a crappy preschool!  I'm sitting here asking why preschoolers are using sippy cups and what the sippy cups doing sitting on the counter???  But, it's making me a little feel better... My program is partnered with Early Head Start, and the Head Start Grantee is up for their Triennial Federal Review, which is next week.  

        I learned today not one, but two(!) reviewers will be visiting our program on Monday (Child Development and Integrated Services) - and their scheduled visits overlap - oh joy!  I knew it was likely we'd see one reviewer, especially as the Grantee's programs don't have children on Mondays, so if the reviewers wanted to see programs in action, they would have to head to the partner sites... but I was really hoping they'd leave us alone and hit some of the other partner sites instead!  

        I know we'll do just fine - it's just that no one likes to be under the microscope and the triennial review is a big deal.  But, it's a great program and I have a wonderful staff doing wonderful things with children and parents... and our toddlers drink from open cups and pour their own milk and no one leaves cups on the counter!  So Ha!

        I'm still hoping we'll have a snow day on Monday though ;-)

        • no snow day! (0 / 0)

          It will be heart-warming for them to see a good program, trust me.  

          I see a lot of preschools and this is the worst I've seen in a while.  It's expensive, too!  I feel sorry for the parents because we've all been trained, "Oh, he cries when you drop him off but the minute you leave he's fine." But that's definitely not the case in this place.  

          The other kid I was observing was doing well the day I saw him and when I asked if his behavior was typical for him, the teacher nonchalantly said, "No, he usually cries hysterically for an hour and a half after his mom leaves."  WTF??!!!

          As for the open cups -- of course that's best practice, but then the teachers might have to help the kids clean up spills, and you know what a hassle it is to, you know, teach them.  Yeah, I'm bitter....

          You'll do great :)
           

          • times (0 / 0)

            I've written this like three times already, but I saw that in the co-op preschool we were in for a few weeks.  The teachers totally downplayed (ok, blatently lied sometimes) about how the kids did, how long they cried for.  It was awful.

            • that's too bad (0 / 0)

              We had such a good experience at our co-op.  It would have been hard to lie about whether someone had a good or bad day, because the parents talked to each other.  At this private preschool, though, the kids and teachers are sort of locked in in isolation.  Not healthy.

          • Thanks, I needed that... (0 / 0)

            especially after the day I had today.  I have a bruise under my finger nail after being bitten by a 2.5 year old... She's a difficult child on a good day, but today she was just an emotional wreck... She has some issues that mom can't/won't address - In addition, I suspect there are attachment issues that underlie it all... and on days like today I just get so angry... not at her, but for her.  (Yeah, I'm bitter too!)

            So thank you!  Thank you for the encouraging words and for letting me vent!  And at the very least I can take some comfort in the fact that the review wasn't today!  

            • how do you deal with that anger? (0 / 0)

              Sometimes I get really mad (internally) at parents or teachers, and I know it's not productive.  I work hard not to be critical, and I work at developing compassion, especially for meeting with them again so I can be helpful.  But sometimes it's hard.  

              We worked with a family this morning with such a beautifully high-functioning child.  It's so fun and rare for us to see kids who are firing on all cylinders, and we just enjoyed her so much.  All the parents wanted to do was nitpick ("Well, when she was 14 months old, her friend who's the same age would point to a picture and saw 'cow' right after her mom, and our daughter never did that", and on and on about all the stuff she's not doing, which was all above age-level).  I got pretty firm with them about realistic expectations, and said you've got a wonderful kid here and it would be in everyone's best interest to start really focusing on that instead of what might go wrong in third grade.  (I suspect some attachment stuff with mom, because breastfeeding was contentious (e.g., arching) and I think mom felt rejected, and the kid is now in feeding therapy so I guess it's been identified as her problem.)  

              You know how it is.  Any tips on silencing the anger/criticism?  I usually get there over time, but any help would be appreciated!  I hate feeling disapproving.

              • Sorry for the delayed response! (0 / 0)

                I wish I had some words of wisdom to share.  I don't do anger very well... fortunately, I don't get angry often - although frustration is pretty common.  And I have to remind myself that all families have strengths, you just have to look harder to find them sometimes!  

                I get frustrated with parents, but I get angry with "the system."  The mother I mention above has been so failed - her entire young life - that it's hard to be angry with her.  Her own mother left her and her sister in her grandparent's driveway when she was 3 (eventually had her parental rights terminated but has been in and out of her life ever since).  At 17, this girl's Dept. of Human Services file is 6 inches thick (not an exaggeration - it's 2 files, each about 3 inches thick) - abandonment, violence, physical/sexual abuse, drugs, you name it, it's in that file.  Of course she's messed up.  How could she not be?  Who do you blame for that?  And this poor baby - what hope is there for her?  The "babydaddy" is just as messed up.  The only stability in her little life has been the 28 hours a week she spends in our nursery - and when she turns 3 in July we have to say good-bye to her.  

                Okay, now my blood's boiling again!

                On another note, I actually thought of you yesterday!  When the ECD Reviewer left our program  she said, among other complimentary things, that it was "refreshing for her to see a truly beautiful program" - and I thought "Hey, Mamacita told me they'd feel that way!"  

  • Hi Suzi (0 / 0)

    welcome again, and thanks for the long intro. As Erika said, many of us have posted intros at some point. I think my most extensive one is my first diary, but that's already 1.5 years old!

    So just quickly: I'm an assistant professor in geology in the Netherlands. I'm originally from here, but after DH and I finished our PhDs (me in NL, DH in the UK) we spent 2 years in Washington DC (hence my interest in US politics and life in general; I came to MT by way of DKos) and 3 years in Switzerland before returning (near) home in 2005. Who knows for how long we will stay here, but at least the decision to pick up and leave again is now ours (the joy of permanent jobs!). We love to travel.

    DH and I have lovely 20 month old daughter (born at 36 weeks for no apparent reason and spent 3 days in NICU for jaundice - she's a happy and perfectly healthy toddler now) and #2 is on the way - due April 17th. Life is good to us, although I sometimes struggle with the pressures of trying to combine good parenting with good teaching and good research, oh, and a healthy marriage and social life, and... As usual, research and social life tend to fall by the wayside. I'm interested to see how I will do getting started again after #2 is born. At least I have the prospect of a long and fully paid maternity leave - certainly an advantage of living in Europe.

    Anyway, I'm pleased to meet you and look forward to more posts from you. Myself, I rarely write diaries and comment on and off -depends a lot on how busy work is.

  • Hi Suzi (0 / 0)

    My name is Suzanne. I am new here to the forum as well. Did you know that our name in Hungarian is Zsa Zsa? Just thought I'd share a fun fact.

    I live in the Florida Keys, my hubby and have one child, Darling Girl, who is 5 and a new baby daughter due June 28th. We just got the U/S results two days ago and we are sooooo excited. I am also a SAHM, and a part-time writer. I love baking, reading, and anything covered in chocolate.

    It is a pleasure to meet you!

  • Welcome Suzi! (0 / 0)

    I look forward to your contributions.

  • welcome!! (0 / 0)

    look forward to hearing more from you.

  • welcome, welcome (0 / 0)

    nice to meet you, Suzi!

  • Welcome Suzi!! (0 / 0)

    I look forward to hearing more from you!

  • Thank you, everyone... (0 / 0)

    ...for the warm welcome!

    MT is a really cool place, I'm honored to be here.

    I should have explained how I got my handle - MsMarvel.

    Years ago I met a woman in a upscale retirement home.  She was participating in a visit organized by my local MOMS Club. I like meeting people, but my darling children weren't very entertained by the row of sleepy eyes and wheelchairs only mildly focused upon them. The event became a memorable one for me.

    At the end of the scheduled visit, one of the ladies asked me to wheel her back to her room, as she was expecting a phone call from a family member in Pennsylvania.  We chatted a bit about the state (I have been there and love how green everything is compared to CA).  I found her to be a delightful soul.

    This woman's first name was Marvel.

    Wow!  What a name!

    She must have been so unique among the Dorothys and Ediths of her day.  My mom's name was Agnes, which she despised.  I was instantly drawn to the implications of having this marvel-ous name.

    Hence....for me...MsMarvel.  In honor of a sweet and spunky woman I only met once, and a nod to my personal desire to feel better about myself and build my self confidence.

    We are ALL marvelous!

  • Hello, Suzi (0 / 0)

    from snowy, icy Central Ohio!  Glad your DH talked you into posting here.  I'm sure you'll find it's a fun group!

    "If it's not Scottish, it's crap!" ~Mike Meyers

    by 1plain1peanut on Fri Feb 22, 2008 at 04:43:46 PM PDT

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