childhood, and "perfect efficiency" is seldom it.  I wish my husband would get that through his head.

I have put my kid's diaper on backwards a few times.  He lies still for DH but usually not for me, although now he tries to help some.  So DH wants me to learn his "fun" way of changing diapers.  I say, if it's on and no one's bleeding, that's good enough.  I guess my family is backwards of yours, and it is based on our upbringings.  

My mother has a sign that says, "a clean house is the sign of a misspent life."  DHs family clean with military precision several times a day.  They were all military, so I guess that explains it, but I think it's hard on kids.

as the person who spends more actual time with our children than my husband, i have felt at times like i knew how things were supposed to get done. but the truth is, there's a million ways to get through the day and all that goes with it when you're taking care of kids. somewhere along the line i decided that as long as no one was getting hurt, i was going to stay out of it when DH was in charge. he does a great job with them and maybe he doesn't remember to bring a sippy cup for the ride home or to pack an extra snack in case things take longer than we expect (which they always do). he does lots of things better than i do. as far as the kids are concerned, the thing that matters most is that their dad is nurturing and caring for them.

I agree completely!  My husband does pretty much everything differently than I would.  As long as we have the same safety and discipline rules, I'm completely ok with it.  We may take different routes, but we both get there in the end, so I just let it go.  Sure, it's going to take him 20 extra minutes to get everybody settled down to bed because, instead of reading a book or two, they raced a RC car up and down the hallway.  But the boys are clean, have teeth brushed, and are in bed, and it's HIS 20 minutes, not mine, and they had a blast.  I also think it really helps the boys be more flexible and handle changes in routine in stride.

Mind you, it did take me a while to figure this out.  :)  

The Ex used to put DS's shoes on the wrong feet every single time.  It was like he just couldn't figure the left-right thing out if he wasn't putting them on his own feet.  He might still be doing it for all I know.

A friend's dh claimed for months that he couldn't figure out how to bathe their baby. So he watched tv while she did it. Come ON! Wash, rinse, repeat has no age requirement!

Letting Dad do his thing has always been a challenge for us because of both our personalities.  I had tons and tons of experience with babies and kids before our son was born, and I'm a micromanager by nature.  I'm also a teacher and just know a lot about raising kids and have a good sense of the big picture (read all the child development books, etc.).  My husband had no experience with kids and was perfectly content to be micromanaged, but in some ways I really wanted him to take a more active role in the day-to-day stuff (although I'll admit I like being in charge of the "big picture" stuff, like choosing a preschool).

Since we have traditional gender roles (he works, I'm mostly at home), his learning curve with the kids has been really slow.  Since my oldest was a year old, I've worked on Saturdays which gives him consistent alone time with the kids.  It was a huge struggle for him at first, and it took him a really long time to get the hang of things, but now it's second nature to him (even with two kids).  I pointed out that since I was in charge of our son 5 (OK, 7) days a week from birth, of course it would take him longer to figure out the routine and basics like what to pack in a diaper bag when he's just doing it once a week.  We're much more balanced partners as a result, and the boys have an awesome relationship with their dad that they might not have otherwise.

I've been trying to bite my tongue when he does something I don't like with the kids, and I'm getting better at it.  Like it drives me crazy when he'll ask my bath-hating 3-year-old, "So, do you want to take your bath now?" whereas I'd just say, "OK, bath time!"  Or when he asks me what they should have for snack, and I tell him he's the dad and can figure it out, but then I disapprove of his choice.  Both really petty things, I know, so I try not to mention it and save my comments for the big stuff.

When we're both together, I'm still overseer of the day-to-day tasks and end up delegating to him, rather than him stepping in, but him having a day a week where he's totally in charge gives him a lot of confidence and also helps me really trust him as a parent.

when having twins has its advantages. It's much harder to pass a child off to mom when she's already got one in her arms. My DH jumped right in and had to learn it all from day one.

Now, that is not to say that he did things like I would have. But there was no chance of not knowing how to bathe them or how to change a diaper.  In fact, since I had a c section, he probably changed more diapers than I did in the first few days.

I think letting go of "this is how you do it" is hard for a lot of us, though. But I have to say I have ultimately found it's easier to let go than to do it all myself and pile up resentment over "why do I have to do everything."

of DS the first time DH dressed him.  Footy-pj bottoms & a sweater?  Would he dress himself that way?  Had he not ever noticed what I put on DS?  Every freakin' infant outfit is a matching set, which is how I laid them in the drawer.  But I did it in fun.

I mostly take care of DS, so I have developed a set way, basically because I've tried a lot of stuff & figured out what works best & easiest.  But yeah, there's a lot of what DH does with DS that just makes me shake my head & say "bless his little heart."

I just had a huge middle-of-the-night argument about my apparently unconscionably terrible housekeeping skills and lack of perceptiveness.  I'm so worn out by notions of "the right way" to do things.

I think women forget that. The first time I held a baby, I was already into my mid 20s. Why? No one ever offered before. My sister had had plenty of opportunities before she even hit her teenage years, but I was never asked, and even if I showed some interest I was given the brush off, because I was a boy. My perception is that that's pretty common. It's assumed boys have no interest, and assumed girls do have an interest in babies.
Babies wriggle, holding them is different to holding any other object, it's a learning experience just to pick them up, sometimes, and I think it's hard to concentrate on other things when you're worried about even whether you're holding them right. I think because women are generally given more opportunities to spend time with and hold babies, they're more in their comfort zone with them and so can conentrate on other things more readily.
All of which, of course, doesn't help your frustration, but I would take it as a reason to try to give any sons you might have experience with babies as much as, if not more than, daughters.

and I think this goes both ways - when a task isn't done "the way I do it."

Well, people, that's fine. As long as you're always prepared to do it, every time for now and for always.

When someone is taking on a new task, they're bound to do it differently. Sometimes this works out and sometimes it doesn't. If you want the person (whether it's your spouse or your offspring) to do the task again, the first thing to do is to praise the effort. Say, "thank you for mowing the lawn." Or, "I really appreciate that you did the dishes tonight."

And then, before the next time the task comes up, you might mention casually, "By the way, I noticed you mowed the side yard, and it looks great. I've planted some flowers over there, and if you skip that section we'll probably get some nice blooms."

If you are teaching a child to write her name, I think it is pretty obvious that you can't be critical of the first attempt because it wasn't straight and the letters are shaky. It's good to remember this when anyone is learning any new task.

If you want to be equal in your home responsibilities, you have to be open to letting the other partner do things their way, and to the occasional mistakes.

at my husband at times, for all the reasons stated above. When we had our first kid, I just couldn't believe how DEPENDANT we were on each other, logistically, every minute of the day. Really painy to get used to, when communication is an imperfect process.

fairly active outside the home, a night or two a week I'd need to be away for meetings and such.  I'd leave instructions, with my husband, about what to prepare for dinner.  Now, I left him extremely easy meals...we're talking grilled cheese or hot dogs or spaghetti type meals, not gourmet, slave over a hot oven type meals.  Almost every time I'd leave, I'd come home to find pizza boxes.  Yep.  He'd send out for pizza rather than grill a cheese sandwich or boil a hot dog.  Made me so angry...

I showed him a few times and let it be.  I have more important things to worry about.  Right?  But what happens when 4 years has passed and DH still can't do it?  Or rather, won't?  

He tries to appeal to my ego, "You do it so much better than me!", but my ego needs some time off too, so it's dirty looks and me exploding, "I can't believe you won't learn to do this right after 4 years!" and him happily settling in to play some video game.  

I even said, "Imagine I'm dead. How will you get this done?"  The answers fluctuates between, new wife, nanny or getting rid of the offending item/body part.  

But I never interject because the time they spend with him is valuable and they love it.  My husband's job is to bathe the kids.  That's my Calgon moment. I got outside, do some gardening, enjoy the night air.  My luck is that it takes him forever to do anything, so this could easily stretch into an hour - 90 min, operation.  Yes, he still leaves conditioner in Ilia's hair and he still forgets that Alton hates to get out of the tub, but at the end of the night, Ilia is full of all the pretend they got to do in the bathtub, knowing that when mommy gives them a bath, it's no more than 10 or 15 minutes long.

For what it's worth, though my niece has all the cool toys in the world, her favorite is the remote control! Mom and Dad eventually broke down and got her her own remote so she'd stop eating theirs.

My wife and I relate to them differently.

We have different styles for doing things.  Different styles for feeding, dressing etc.  Different priorities; We're just different.

We have been since the kids were born.  And you know, I think the kids are better off for it.  They have adjusted, they know that when it is "Daddy" time, there is one set of procedures, and "mommy" does others.  They've figured it out and adjusted.

Now, mom and dad agree on "rules" and the "big stuff" but they have learned to deal with us in different ways.  

and different ways of doing things  

BUT

You'd better be consistent on basic discipline and rules

and try holding your hubby to higher standards.... some guys deliberately do a lousy job to get out of certain tasks.....

no excuse for NOT getting diapers right, feeding kids without making a total mess, etc....   it's HIS job to remember the sippy cup, extra diapers and all else.... would he get away with doing as 'good' - or poor - a job at work?