Mother Talkers

Domestic Adoption

by Elisa

Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 11:16:56 AM PDT

Adoption is SO common in the Bay Area that a recent Berkeley Parents Network post about adoption through the U.S. foster care system sparked a barrage of responses.

In the original letter, the writer wanted an honest opinion on adopting through our local foster care system as well-meaning friends expressed concerns over “crack babies” and possible mental disturbances in the children.

Everyone from adoptive parents to social workers, poo-pooed the “crack baby myth.”

I am sorry some of your friends are so misinformed about adoption and are trying to scare you. My two bright, caring, fun, strong, developmentally on target children, ages almost 5 years old and 10 months old, were both adopted through Alameda County's fost/adopt program. My experience was very positive, even when it seemed to be taking a long time. Both of my children were exposed to drugs in-utero. Both have overcome their rocky starts and are thriving. No baby is a ''crack/drug baby''. Babies do not take drugs. Some are exposed to drugs in-utero. Cocaine, meth, alcohol, nicotine, caffeine...

Hi. My husband and I adopted a little girl through the foster care system. (Alameda county) She was 3 mos. when she came to us and was formally adopted at 14 months. We also got the comments about ''drug babies, crack babies'' etc. I didn't care what anyone said. I wanted to adopt and that's just the way it was. Our daughter was exposed to cocaine and probably alcohol. (usually the drugs and alcohol go hand in hand) She had tremors for about 4 months or so and stiffness in her legs but nothing too dramatic. She was ''feisty'' from babyhood and is now more difficult. She has ADHD type behaviors and gives us (mainly me, now) many trying moments but I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Kathy

Other respondents did not discourage the adoption, but expressed caution. They advised becoming informed on “attachment disorders” and children who were exposed to drugs and alcohol in utero. One worker in the system said his/her clients were people who had lost custody of their children, but were trying to re-gain them. S/he admitted that children who land in the system means "there are MAJOR problems with the parenting/home situation." Nonetheless, this individual said the writer should not be "scared" of these children.

  • ::

Before you adopt, become the child's defacto parent. Adoption agencies have no reason to disclose the real history of the child to you because you may change your mind. As a defacto parent, you can go and see and read the county reports on how the child ended up in the foster care system. Even if you are not challenged by the county reports, spend some time looking up what ''attachments disorders'' are and if possible talk with a family that has such a child that is not connected with your agency. Many of these families will be single parent households.
Anon…

I am a child psychologist experienced in working with foster children of various ages. Some things to keep in mind when thinking about adopting a foster child: a child's experiences from birth to three--particularly experiences of (or lack of) relationsips with others--essentially form the building blocks of personality development. All of the children in foster care have suffered an indescribable loss and varying degrees of trauma. Some have had more support than others. Some may naturally be more resilient. Helping these children work through their losses and grow into happy, healthy adults takes extraordinary parenting--not impossible but difficult at times.
A.

A few of the respondents brought up the fact that growing a family through foster care is more affordable than other options, including fertility treatments and international adoptions. The foster care system actually pays families stipends and offers other services for the care of their children.

You have a great heart and kudos to you for wanting to adopt an (older) child in foster care. I used to work with children (in the foster care system as an advocate and behaviorist) and there are some things for you to consider so that you will be prepared for this change in your life and so that you can help prepare the child to accept love (from a parent and love for themselves.) Sometimes the kids with the behavior/anger problems are the kids who need you most and will love you the most once they establish that trust with you. Everyday at my job, I worked at developing trust and reassurance in the fact that I could keep them safe (from other adults, from themselves, etc.) Keep in mind that you will provide the best life for these kids by being mentally, emotionally and physically prepared to handle these kids and their issues. Abandonement issues are hard at any age so be prepared to answer their tough questions. Be prepared to be their biggest cheerleader because feelings of abandonement really feeds the self loathing, poor self esteem cycle in these kids...you will have to provide the ''self'' esteem until they trust you enough to know that you won't be giving them back, once they can do that, they will be able to work on themselves. Know what resources you have from the state and county for counseling, behavior modification, etc and use these services. If you have a child with behavior issues coupled with anger, there are physical techniques you can learn so that you can protect them from themselves. When I worked with these kids, I had to become certified in these techniques and they were effective tools. I hope you find a child who will help you create this family that you want, I just ask that you are wide eyed about the experience, have an open heart and a strong back to carry the child's burden until she or he is ready to let it go and just be prepared to experience such a joyful love.
always a foster kid's advocate

Finally, there was an active second thread geared towards prospective adoptive parents. The name of a renowned adoptive expert, Ellen Roseman, was bounced around.

As an adoptive mom of 2-year old, boy/girls twins adopted at birth, the very best advice I can offer you concerning adoption outreach and specifically, the adoption journey itself is: contact Ellen Roseman at Cooperative Adoption Consulting (www.coopadopt.com). Adoptions happen in this country in a variety of ways. If you want to experience an adoption steeped in ethics,integrity, respect, kindness and love - contact Ellen Roseman. You may also attend one of her monthly support group meetings and meet the people that are part of her service. In working with Ellen and her service, my husband and I feel like we received a Harvard Education on open adoption. Ellen encourages her clients do a lot of work, reading adoption books, attending classes, speaking with adoptees, birthmoms and adoptive families. It is purposeful and intentional work and has served our family in remarkable capacities. Thanks to Ellen and her service, we have had -- and continue to have an extraordinary open adoption experience. She brings ethics, integrity and grace to the adoption experience which serves birthmoms, babies, adoptees, and adoptive families in truly significant and meaningful ways. Incredible and amazing adoptions happen in this country, Ellen and her service help make that happen. Adoption is not an easy journey. Ellen and her service help make the adoption journey incredibly educational and worthwhile. Best wishes in building your family through adoption.

I don't think we have spoken at length about domestic adoption so I thought I would share what I read. I know I was sucked into the discussion. For those of you who adopted domestically, what were your experiences with the U.S. foster care system?

Tags: domestic adoption, foster care, social worker, Berkeley Parents Network, Bay Area (all tags)

Permalink | 17 comments

  • I'd love to hear about (0 / 0)

    people's domestic adoption experiences, too. I really, really wanted to adopt domestically (had our first social worker meeting, read all the paperwork, visited adoption boards, etc.) but DH wasn't ready. I felt the tick tick tick of the biological clock, and we decided to have another bio kid while we could-- so I could make sure DS had a sibling. Still, I feel like something is missing and will be unless I get to foster or adopt at some point-- perhaps how some people feel about having bio kids?

    Even now, people ask if "we're done," I always think, well, we're done with the getting pregnant part.

    DH has since come around (Dude! Could you not have thought of this 7 months ago?!) so I think this is in our future.

    by minnmom on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 01:15:57 PM PDT

    • Agree... (0 / 0)

      We feel done with having biological children. But we have not closed the door on adoption. But I feel DONE right now, so this adoption would not be in our near future. :-)

      by Elisa on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 01:33:35 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • we knew, before we knew (0 / 0)

      Even before we were married, we were talking about what kind of family we thought we would have.  Adoption came up pretty early and then went away - but here we are 7 years later preparing to adopt our two foster kiddos.  It's like you said about something being missing, "how some people feel about having bio kids", we just knew even before we knew.

      We are currently in the foster process of the foster/adopt part but feel free to email me if you have questions about our experiences (which have been largely positive).

      Jen

      by MrsPastor on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 05:41:20 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • I find this topic very interesting (0 / 0)

    and I think one of the barriers to adoption, especially domestic adoption, is good old Fear, Uncertainty, and Doubt. The more info out there about the realistic issues, and about how someone can explore without finding themself committed to a child with more needs than they can accomodate, the more these kids will be able to find loving homes.

    by shenanigans on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 01:32:07 PM PDT

  • thoughts (0 / 0)

    While I am sure that there are issues that may come with adopting a child who was exposed to drugs in-utero, one thing that seems important to remember is that there are NO GUARANTEES with children -- adopted or biological. Your biological child may have ADHD, or be challenging, feisty, difficult, etc. Your biological or adopted child may be "perfect" at birth and later be in an accident and become disabled.

    Parenthood is rarely exactly what we expect it to be, nor are our children.

    Now, this is not to discount that there may be a lot of issues with a child who was exposed to drugs, or an older child who was abused or neglected. I used to work as legal counsel to CPS workers so I know a little about this. But I just felt like it's important to remember that you are never guaranteed a healthy, well-adjusted and trouble-free child.

    by Lisa in Austin on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 02:23:00 PM PDT

    • Sometimes I think we have a leg up (0 / 0)

      My DH and I were able to read profiles of our kids and talk to their social workers/foster parents before they came into our home.  While that certainly does not cover every last thing in their history or any behavioral issue they may present, it did help us prepare.  Even before that time, we had to take classes that dealt with attachment, grief and other issues in the foster system.  

      So we've had a lot of support.  And we're pretty grateful for it.  I feel sometimes like that's an advantage.  I hear stories of parents who struggle to get a diagnosis with their bio child and it's not an easy road for them.  We got some preparation in advance as opposed to having to figure it all out as we went along.  

      Jen

      by MrsPastor on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 05:45:18 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Domestic isn't necessarily foster adoption (0 / 0)

    We adopted domestically through an African-American Infant program.  We prepared a photo profile and our daughter's birth parents selected us as a prospective adoptive family.  The adoption is semi-open in that we had medical information but not their names and they had photos and a letter from us but not our names.  

    We would love to have more openness in our adoption but right now the birth family isn't interested.  We send photos and letters to our adoption agency and these are forwarded to our daughter's birth parents.  We hope in the future they might be interested in more of an inperson/open relationship.

    I heard all of the worries about drugs, etc, especially the idea that international adoption offers a better chance of a healthy baby.  We used a very reputable adoption medicine speciality group that guided us through the process.  It was fantastic to hear helpful information regarding general issues and our specific situation.

    I strongly recommend that anyone considering adoption seek out resources -- books, websites, groups, providers, etc -- to help one become well-informed.  I did a lot of reading/listening on transracial adoption in particular and feel as if I've only done a little bit of what's out there.

    Adoption is a fantastic way to add to one's family but it's not a simple thing.  Adoption includes stories of loss & grief -- for the adoptive parents, the child, or the birth (or first...) parents.  Parenting an older child who has a history of poor relationships isn't the same as parenting a newborn.  Parenting a child of another race or ethnicity isn't the same as parenting a child who shares the same cultural background as you.  Preparing, as much as one can, before parenting is a good thing, I think.

    by Anu on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 03:00:03 PM PDT

  • the system (0 / 0)

    Among people who have seriously considered this route, I think there are a lot of people who are less scared of the kids than the foster care and fostadopt system.  

    I personally know of several people, both friends and family, who believe they were lied to about the problems or potential problems of the child they adopted or wanted to adopt.  For example, I have a friend who was comfortable accepting an FAE child, yet turned down a referral because the case worker insisted that the child did not have FAE (despite classic signs) and would not permit an independent medial exam.  Perhaps that child ended up in a family who believed she was healthy, and thus were unprepared for predictable difficulties.

    It is very difficult to go ahead with a risky adoption when you feel you cannot trust the information given by the social services system.  And mistrust appears to be a theme among parents who have gone this route.  Not universal, but common enough to be worrisome.

    by lyn on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 03:15:57 PM PDT

  • Foster Care System (0 / 0)

    The foster care system is ***ked in every way that is possible.

    If you want to adopt out of foster care, get ready for a life of hardship - especially foster-adopt.

    I will do a diary sometime about our experience.  The three foster kids we have our the LIGHT OF OUR LIVES, and we wouldn't trade them for anything.  But it is quite trying.  You spend a lot of time w/in the system - i.e. going to court, Family Support Team meetings, visits with the bio family.  

    We have not yet adopted - probably sometime this fall.  We maintain an open relationship with both parents, and try to keep the kids up to date about the situation with their parents.  They see their mother once a week for an hour (when she shows up).

    Our situation would not have been possible without the presence of my mother & my in-laws.  We became parents to three overnight, and we were completely overwhelmed.  So not only are you trying to parent, but you are also dealing with the system where you have no voice.

    Although foster parents spend the most time with the foster kids - you are not a party to the case, so your voice does not count in court.  After six months, we were allowed to "intervene" as an "interested party."  But we have money & could afford to hire a top notch attorney.

    We felt foster-to-adopt was the best route from our liberal views.  It seemed a little insane to spend $20K on infertility treatments when there were kids out there that needed a home.  Many of my friends did IVF, and I think it is wonderful.  It just wasn't the route we wanted to go.  

    I am pretty sure are kids are going to turn out okay.  There are anger issues & boundary issues, but they are slowly working themselves out.

    Peace.

    by Aimee on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 05:29:58 PM PDT

  • Ask me 6 months from now (0 / 0)

    and again in a year.  We're in a different place than we were 6 months ago and that's just going to change and evolve with time.  Hell, it changes from day to day!

    We are fostering right now with the awareness that we could adopt our two.  It's up to the court and we won't know for awhile yet what will happen.  Living with that uncertainty is the hardest part for us, even harder than the behavioral challenges that have come with our two kids.  (We're putting in a lot of time and effort to deal with issues but feel like it's worthwhile as we're planning to have the kids for awhile)

    Others have covered the main issues and the one thing I would say is that every experience is different.  

    There are major things that need to change in our foster care system but that system also varies greatly from community to community.  Our experience with the two kids we have now has been great, our experience this spring with the other child we fostered was awful.  

    What I would say is that having these two kids in our lives has been an amazing experience.  I feel every bit the new, proud, anxious and sleep deprived parent!  Fostering is no different than parenting your bio children in that everything does change!

    Jen

    by MrsPastor on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 05:55:11 PM PDT

  • i think a few things operate when people (0 / 0)

    think about adoption -- Many people still, even unconsciously, believe that kids who are in foster care or available for adoption are defective. Hence the "crack baby" remarks. when we were waiting to bring our son home from Guatemala, I got numerous comments about whether I knew if his "real mother was healthy or a drug addict...." -- implying if I was aware that he could be defective. I heard several stories about kids who were adopted who turned out to be drug addicts, criminals, etc...(as if children who grew up in their biological families never did these things...)

    the other thing that I see in discussions on domestic adoption is the bunching of different kinds of adoption: infants vs. older children vs. independent vs foster/adopt. It's like deciding you want dinner: is going out to a 5 start restaurant the same as leftover Chinese? Two very different experiences tho both can be enjoyable~

    True, you have to educate yourself before you leap into adoption -- but hey, shouldn't you if you make ANY life altering change?

    If you think about it, having a biological child is a crapshoot too. Marriage is too. We just don't like to think about it.

    I am going to be reviewing a new book about adoption that looks at a lot of these issues.

    by brave on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 06:49:41 PM PDT

    • how are things going with you, brave (0 / 0)

      I hesitate to ask because I don't want to transmit extra "pressure" through the question, but think of you and the rest of the Brave family often!

      by Rachel on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 08:56:42 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • not real well (0 / 0)

        no pressure. i've taken to not talking about it because I just can't comprehend it all. no change in the situation. i actually have a congressional office trying to help but it's hard to help if no one will answer the phone...

        by brave on Tue Jan 29, 2008 at 03:46:13 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • adoption brings families together... (0 / 0)

    Well said Lisa, it doesn't matter how your family comes together, it's like Forrest said "life is like a box of chocolates" you never know what your going to get. I have 2 awesome girls, 1 adopted from Guatemela at 10 months and 1 from Vietnam at 5 months. I think the people who responded might have had their hearts in the right place, as far as... AP need to understand the issues/problems (and JOYS) specific to any type of adoption. Also, people are afraid of adopting from our foster care system- it is effed up!! The fear of have childen yanked out from under you, is overwhelming. We don't put children first. As a teacher I have seen many children whose parents are on crack etc, go back and forth from foster care to bio parents who shit on the time and time again!! My oldest daughter who came home at 10 months is now 5 and is add/hd and has some other learning problems. The truth is when your adopting you don't know what went on the womb and what affect that has on the children. There is an orphan crisis in world today (143 million)  and I include the children in US foster care as orphans. yes they may have temp homes, but they are suffering...It is truly a tragedy that it is so hard & expensive for domestic and international adoption  and foster care has so many promblems. We would like to adopt again, but emotionally and finacialy we are bottomed out. I know people with more money than they could ever spend tell me things like, "oh I wish I could be like you and adopt, but I just can't" What the hell is that??? Ok I'm getting off my soap box and going to bed!!
    peace Teri

    www.reflectingthelightofthemoon.blogspot.com

    by terimclain on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 07:13:29 PM PDT

  • info on foster/adoption (0 / 0)

    Adoptive Families Magazine has a portal of information for families seeking to build families through foster/adoption

    by brave on Tue Jan 29, 2008 at 04:46:10 AM PDT

  • fear of the unknown (0 / 0)

    I'm very open to adoption, but my husband won't consider it at all, so I'm pretty sure it's not going to be an option for us.

    I think a lot of people's uncertainties about adoption have to do with fear of the unknown.  You don't know what you're going to get.  However, the same is obviously true of biological children, but people seem to feel more in control with biological children.  I guess there are a couple more "known" factors with biological children, like genetics and prenatal health, but those play such a small role in who a kid turns out to be.  I'm sure we all have some genes from our family we wish we didn't, anyway!

    When I was pregnant with my second kid, I felt so bad for him because I knew there was no way I would love him as much as my first.  I just didn't know him yet, and now that I do, of course I adore him.  I already find myself feeling bad for our not-yet-conceived third child because I know I won't love that kid as much as the first two, and there's no way my two kids could love a third the way they love each other.  When I think rationally about this, I know I'm wrong, but it helps me realize why adopting can be so frightening to people.

    by Treena on Tue Jan 29, 2008 at 06:08:40 AM PDT

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