Mother Talkers

Teenage Pregnancy

by gloria

Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 07:42:40 AM PDT

A few days ago, Karina called me at work and said she needed to speak with me. She was very upset and said that she had just found out that one of her friends is pregnant. She's 13.

Karina approached her when she noticed her crying and asked if she was ok. That's when her friend told her the news. Her friend asked for advice on what she should do. Karina told me that all she could think of was to say, over and over, "Talk to your mother." Karina said, "I don't understand how she hasn't gone to her mother with this!" I told Karina that we would continue the conversation when I got home from work. But my mind began to race the moment I hung up the phone. What was I going to say?

About a month ago, I took my daughter and niece to the movies to watch JUNO. In case you haven't heard, Juno is a movie about teenage pregnancy:

Juno (Ellen Page) is a Mid-Western highschooler, who decides one day, out of boredom or curiosity, to have sex with her friend Paulie Bleeker (Michael Cera), a member of her school's track team. She likes him well enough, but isn't hung up on him. This one time encounter results in Juno's pregnancy. She and her best friend Leah (Olivia Thirlby) decide to take control of the situation by browsing for prospective adoptive parents in the local Pennysaver newspaper, and Juno settles on seemingly the perfect, affluent couple Mark (Jason Bateman) and Vanessa Loring (Jennifer Garner) who is desperate to have a child. Junos sensitive father (J.K. Simmons) and stepmother (Allison Janney) are very supportive of her and help Juno with her decision to give the baby up for adoption. Juno and her father check out Mark and Vanessa Loring to see if they are the right couple. As time moves closer to having the baby, Juno grows more into a woman, yet she is still a teenager with all the same problems and a few more.

I LOVED the movie, and so did the girls. But part of me wondered if Juno's parents' reaction was a realistic one? How would I react if Karina came to me and said she was pregnant, AND had done the research, AND had made the decision to give the baby up for adoption? I honestly don't know.

When I got home, karina and I had a LONG talk. I told her that she should never feel afraid to tell me anything that was going on with her. I told her that I hoped she really thought things through before it actually got to the point of deciding to have sex with someone. She looked at me with unwavering eye contact and said, "Mommy, don't worry...I'm not that type of girl". Those words echoed in my head..."that type of girl".  What did that mean? So I told Karina, "Your friend made a mistake, she's scared and she doesn't know what she's going to do or how her family is going to react. Is THAT the type of girl you mean?" Then I went on to explain that this type of thing can happen to ANY "type of girl". You could be the shy, straight "A" student who decides to have sex for the first time and ends up pregnant, or you could be the school slut. But really, does it matter? I told her that I wanted her to have the best in life, and having a child when you're still a child isn't my idea of having the best life. I said, "Why would you want to have the life that you're going to have when you're 40, now? Wait until you're 40! You shouldn't have to worry about kids, money, bills, insurance and the uncertainty of your future! You have the rest of your life for that!"

Then I started thinking about her poor friend and I wondered...is teenage pregnancy contagious?

According to the Planned Parenthood website, approximately 97 per 1,000 women aged 15-19 become pregnant each year. Moreover, because the average age of menarche has reached an all-time low and because four out of five young people have sex as teenagers, a greater proportion of teenage girls are at risk of becoming pregnant.

So I wondered what the school is going to do once they find out about the girls pregnancy? Are they going to make her leave the school once she starts showing? Is that fair? Does she have rights, or has she given them up because she got pregnant? Should the school use her as an example, a "if you get pregnant like her, you won't be allowed to attend school like a normal 13-year-old"?

So I pose the question to you, my fellow MT's...what's fair? What's right? What do you think?

  • ::

Tags: Karina, Teenage, Pregnancy, Juno (all tags)

Permalink | 59 comments

  • Oh, Gloria (0 / 0)

    My heart is in my throat thinking about this young girl. I hope she does not have to leave school. She will need her education regardless and frankly she might be a cautionary tale to other kids [hope that doesn't sound callous but I am just trying to think practically]

    Oh, man, I would not have expected to encounter this issues with a 13 year old. You are doing so great though.

    I look forward to hearing advice from the MTers with older girls since my DD is approaching these years soon.

    by Lisa in Austin on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 07:57:10 AM PDT

    • as an aside (0 / 0)

      One thing I really liked about Juno was they did not make it seem as if it was an easy thing for Juno to do -- they showed the tears and how things did not turn out exactly like she had thought they would. In a couple of years I will look forward to  showing Juno to both my kids.

      by Lisa in Austin on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 07:59:13 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • I didn't think they (school authorities) could (0 / 0)

    keep her from attending school.  Do they have sex ed?

    by OldMother on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:00:14 AM PDT

    • They DO have sex ed, (0 / 0)

      because I made sure Karina participated in that. She came to me with the permission slip and asked if I thought it would be a good idea. I signed that thing right away, and made sure to talk with her every night about what she was being told. I thought it was a good program that didn't stress abstinence, but instead stressed responsibility and protection.

      by gloria on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:24:24 AM PDT

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    • Sheesh I would think (0 / 0)

      that would be against the law....isn't that complete and unabashed discrimination?  Plus isn't it a law for that age to have to attend school?

      karen

      by karen m on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 07:31:11 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Open dialog (0 / 0)

    My DD16 and I have talked about this off and on for a while.  We saw Juno, which gave us a platform for discussion.  She recently told me that one of her friends has had sex more than once - again, a platform for discussion (once my heart started beating again).

    The difference between 13 and 16 is the part of your story that made me catch my breath.  I assume that some 16yo are having sex (OT, but the funniest part of Juno may have been "I hate the phrase 'sexually active'" LOL), and they have at least some of the emotional strength to deal with it.  At 13? YIKES they're still such babies (don't tell Karina I said that, I know they think they're grown).

    I'm glad to hear that Karina comes to you with this stuff.  Leah also talks to me (sometimes stuff I wish I didn't know).  The open dialog is so important.  Any way you can help this other girl go to her mom?  Maybe an adult with her would help the situation.

    by Sue in Queens on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:08:50 AM PDT

  • First, I'll take issue with one thing you said. (0 / 0)

    You could be the shy, straight "A" student who decides to have sex for the first time and ends up pregnant, or you could be the school slut.

    While I appreciate the sentiment, I don't think "slut" is a good term to use, period. People sometimes make sexual choices we disagree with. Sometimes choices that seem breathtakingly naive or stupid to us, even. But nomatter what they choose, I don't think "slut" is ever a helpful or respectful way to refer to someone.

    Apart from that, I think you're doing great. Right now, I'd be most concerned with worst case scenarios - Karina was wondering why her friend didn't talk to her mom. Does Karina know what sort of relationship she has with her mom? Dad? Best guess as to how they'd react? Because the worst case scenario is that her parents throw her out on the street. How do you deal with that? I'd encourage Karina to be there for her friend, more than anything else. Just being there will probably be more of a learning experience than anything you could say, and regardless of the sort of relationship her friend has with her parents, there will likely be things she doesn't want to share with them, and information that she wants and needs that may have to come from an adult, directly or indirectly. You'd be doing this girl a great service if she knows that you're a potential avenue for this sort of information (and make sure she knows where Planned Parenthood is, ASAP).

    As for the question you gave, I think the girl should be allowed to attend, and if she keeps the child, be able to transition to a school for young mothers. Once she's had her child, attending school on conventional hours will likely be all but impossible, but some places have schools for young mothers that might be a good fit.

    "You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd."

    by Expat Briton on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:18:31 AM PDT

    • I can appreciate your point of view... (0 / 0)

      but I wasn't referring to ANYONE in particular when I referenced the "slut" moniker. I just wanted to stress to Karina that there really isn't a "type of girl" that this could happen to...it could really happen to anyone. Because she's 13 and in middle school, that's how they identify people, by what they do. They're either the popular kids, the emo's, the loners, the stoners, the sluts, the studious ones, etc.

      I absolutely meant no disrespect, and I believe Karina knows that.

      by gloria on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:27:46 AM PDT

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      • I expressed myself badly. (0 / 0)

        My problem doesn't arise whether you're referring to a specific individual or not. I simply think it's a bad, derogatory term we'd be better off without using, period. Using it in general by definition means you believe there's someone, somewhere who deserves that moniker. I disagree. Just because teens identify others using the term doesn't mean we shouldn't call them on it, either.

        "You're never more alone than when you're alone in a crowd."

        by Expat Briton on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:06:17 AM PDT

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    • I felt like (0 / 0)

      Gloria was pointing out that "types" are irrelevant to one's life circumstances. Stereotypes like smart girl or slut don't reveal any truth about an individual and can't be used as an indicator of the choices a person will make.

      I didn't get the impression that she thought someone deserved that name--rather that it was a useless stereotype.

      by sangfroid on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:46:18 AM PDT

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    • Just a question (0 / 0)

      In my day (LOL) -- meaning when I was a teenager -- only females were called "sluts."  Males were "studs."

      We always asked, "If females are sluts," who are these studs having sex with?"

      Of course, later, I found "stud" to be a horrible term, too -- like a horse -- but then, it wasn't considered such.

      I just wondered if the double standard was still alive and well.  (It never came up with my kids.)

      by Shell on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:40:57 PM PDT

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  • The only way it would be "fair" (0 / 0)

    to make this girl leave school would be to also expel the father.

    And actually, that wouldn't be right either, as both of them clearly need supervision and education.

    But my point is that it's amazing how the stigma still gets attached to girls.

    by mpg on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:01:39 AM PDT

    • That struck me as well (0 / 0)

      ..that only the girl's expulsion is a topic here. It's a bit sad that our (yes, mine too) first instinct is to look at the girl alone.

      I'd say neither girl or boy should be expelled, if only because they desperately need an education.

      by SwissClogs on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:12:40 PM PDT

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    • Sadly (0 / 0)

      The father of the child is probably an adult, not another 13 year old, or even 14 or 15 year old. That would be the case in at least half of pregnancies of teen girls, although who knows in the case of this particular girl. I hope she gets the support she needs.

      by RachelD on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 08:58:37 PM PDT

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  • You handled it well! (0 / 0)

    I do have to say I think you said all the right things to her, kudos to you.  Even the part where you pointed out that it could happen to anyone, because it could! I think many young girls who end up pregnant transfer out of the traditional public school into an alternative school. I met a number of smart and wonderful young girls when I worked at our local alternative school.  The staff at our school is excellent and specifically know how to deal with young people in this situation...of course it starts at high school age and she might be too young for that.

    by Sister Sassy on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:14:46 AM PDT

  • Heart wrenching (0 / 0)

    This truly is a heart-wrenching subject, yet one that we can't ignore. First, I don't think that schools can keep children out if they’re pregnant, unless they are a private school, and it certainly would not prevent teen preg. they will have sex regardless of school rules. Second, while I would be disappointed with my daughter if this happened to her, I would never shun or shut her out. She is my daughter even when she makes mistakes, whether life changing or not, and she will always have my love and support. I teach Elem School and I see former students in the 8 grade and up who are pregnant or already have kids. It really is heartbreaking because most of them don't have the family support, financially and emotionally. Without that support, the chances of finishing school, going to college, and having successful careers are very slim. It really does "take a village" and sometimes it seems like in our country that people have a very "it's not my problem" view point. I have a family of 6 that I have unofficially adopted. 4 are girls, ages 10-14, who have grown up with my family over the years. I talk to them always about teen sex, drugs, school, college, and making good choices. I talking with your kids and establishing the trust between you is essential. I hope your daughter’s friend gets some support from her family to make the right the decision for her!
    Peace Teri

    www.reflectingthelightofthemoon.blogspot.com

    by terimclain on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:32:56 AM PDT

  • "You show, you go!" (0 / 0)

    That was the policy in two of the three schools in which I taught.  Once a pregnancy was visible, girls were either sent to the Alternative school (which was, in my opinion, a better school to begin with) or they were on Medical Release, (which implied that being pregnant was a medical issue) and given a tutor to work with them at home for the duration of the pregnancy and 12 weeks after delivery. Most girls didn't return from MR- the home-school coordinator really pushed them to do GED work during their "leave," with the attitude that the school didn't want them back anyway.  Both schools with these policies were public- the more enlightened one was private, but most girls there went "overseas" for a semester anyway.  Or they had abortions- lots and lots of abortions-  which was miserable (from a dorm parent perspective) because most did it without their parent's knowledge and then came to my door hysterical after the fact. (I was precluded from calling the parents by school policy- plus I respected the right to privacy of my students) The school counselor and I became very close in those three years, since she seemed to wear a path between her apartment and my dorm (all girls)at 3 am many nights.

    Sigh.  Wish there were a way to protect kids from themselves. And each other.  But I suppose that's what that whole "growing up" thing is about,isn't it?    Luckily, most errors in judgment don't have quite this level of consequence.

    by Laura on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 09:42:16 AM PDT

  • Boys, too (0 / 0)

    It's asinine that girls can still be forced out of school for being pregnant.  That teaches nothing to anyone.  Except perhaps reinforcing the notion that girls are the only ones to be punished for poor sexual decision making.  I agree that if they are going to force teen mothers to alternative or home school, they should do the same for fathers.

    As the mother of a son, I am often taken aback by people in society who express the idea that you don't have to worry much about teen pregnancy if you have a boy. Not to at all discount the greater impact it has on the lives of young women and their families, though.  I worry a good deal about if DS got a girl pregnant at a young age and her parents would not allow her to consider an abortion or even adoption.  I would certainly not pressure her to have an abortion, but I would want her to be free to consider all the options and make a decision based on what's best for her.  Of course, to be frank, I can't see how having a child at 13 would be best, but it wouldn't be my decision.  And I would insist that DS was equally involved in whatever path was chosen, and received the same consequences as the girl.

    (In retrospect of writing this, I wonder if I worry too much:  DS is turning four tomorrow, not fourteen!)

    by Inky on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 10:05:35 AM PDT

  • what about abortion? (0 / 0)

    I remember when I was in high school I asked my mother what she would do if I got pregnant. Her answer was that she'd take me to get an abortion. It didn't happen, but if I had gotten pregnant at that age I don't think either one of us would have considered for a moment that I would go through with the pregnancy.

    I saw Juno and I loved it too. I especially appreciated that she considered having an abortion and that her parents would have been supportive of that choice. It made her decision not to abort seem more like a choice instead of her only option.

    I know it isn't a pleasant topic, but at least for now it is legal and it is an option for this girl, who I'm guessing isn't ready to be a parent.

    by Stacey on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 10:56:51 AM PDT

  • What mistake did she make? (0 / 0)

    Thanks, Expat Briton, for the comments about "slut."  I can't agree more--"slut" (along with "mistress" and "illegitimate") should be retired from the English language.  
    Laura, I'm shocked that schools still get rid of pregnant girls who show.  Unbelievable.
    Gloria, I'm glad you made the point to your daughter that an unintended pregnancy could happen to anyone.  But I'd like to know what "mistake" you think she made (and I would hope your daughter knows).  Having sex? Probably a mistake at 13, although I had sex as (an older) teenager and don't regret it, so I wouldn't tar all teen sex as a mistake.  Or was the mistake not using birth control? We don't know she didn't; no birth control is fool-proof.  Or here are other, not unlikely, possibilities: She was pressured. She was raped.   She was raped by a relative (remember how she wasn't talking to her mother).  What I'm getting at is that it's perfectly possible this girl made no mistakes, or none that ought to have led to pregnancy.  
    Especially given all the love that's been showered on Juno, I have to emphasize that I don't believe anyone comes through gestating a baby and giving it up for adoption unscathed.  For evidence of this, see The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Babies for Adoption in the Years Before Roe v. Wade, or Meredith Hall's recent memoir Without a Map.  I think every mother should protect her daughter from suffering the surrender of a child.

    Carolyn McC rockthecradleblog.com

    by CarolynMcC on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:03:44 PM PDT

    • Juno (0 / 0)

      I think the point was made to some extent, that it was painful for her to give up the baby. It was a movie, after all, so it's not going to get too real about it. But personally, when I watched the film, I was crying at that point. It wasn't depicted as an easy thing to do. More like the right thing for her, which maybe a difference in terms of how traumatic it was for her character. This was her choice, not her parents's decision.

      by Stacey on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:09:56 PM PDT

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    • Mistakes (0 / 0)

      Well, not to go out on a limb here, but I would say that voluntarily having sex at 13 is a mistake.  Rape, obviously, would not be a "mistake" on her part, but for kids choosing to have sex at 13?  That is really young given, as you point out, the potential consequences even for those who do use birth control. There is a huge difference between saying it's a mistake at 13 and saying it is a mistake for "all teens."  18 or 19 and 13 are VERY different developmentally.

      On the adoption question, for me, keeping a child would be a distant third on my list of options for a 13 year old.  It's just way, way too young to be a mother.  Even though adopting out a baby has got to be extremely difficult, as you suggest.

      Katherine

      by pat of butter in a sea of grits on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:22:17 PM PDT

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    • The mistake was... (0 / 0)

      1.) Having sex at 13.
      2.) NOT using birth control. (No, she didn't use any)

      I didn't have sex in my teens and I don't judge anyone who has. But sex at 13, is FAR TOO YOUNG. That, in and of itself, is a mistake.

      by gloria on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:24:40 PM PDT

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      • mistake for sure.. (0 / 0)

        i don't care how developed or supposedly "mature" a 13 may look...it is still a mistake to engage in sex.  hey, i think before 18 is edging on mistake status too.  brain development, executive judgement, hormones raging, peer pressure...ALL of these things are reasons to delay sex.

        and then there is the physical health risk...both from unprotected sex and of course the risk of carrying a child or having an abortion, particularly for one so incredibly young.

        by parentalunit1 on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:37:43 PM PDT

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        • I agree (0 / 0)

          brain development, executive judgement, hormones raging, peer pressure...ALL of these things are reasons to delay sex.

          ...unfortunatly, those are the very things that makes teens not be able to understand why they should delay having sex.  Ah, the injustice of that!

          by Inky on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 12:55:41 PM PDT

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          • yup... (0 / 0)

            and why teens still NEED their parents to parent them.  and to make clear and often the importance of delaying sex.

            by parentalunit1 on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:06:19 PM PDT

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            • "Friends" (0 / 0)

              Oh, yeah.  It drives me NUTS when people refuse to parent their children because they want to be "cool" and be their "friend".  (ahem...my siblings...)  I had plenty of friends as a teen, and was grateful to have my parents still parenting me.  Heck, I'm glad they still parent me in a way!

              by Inky on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:35:15 PM PDT

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        • I was 13 (0 / 0)

          and I don't think it was a mistake, per se. But, that's just me. I have had no regrets, STDs, or unwanted pregnancies. Some kids are able to deal, others aren't. My sister was 17 and made loads of bad choices re: sex. Do I want my kids to be sexually active at 13? Not really, but if they are, I hope they are as responsible about it as I was and will give them the tools and education and understanding to take care of themselves in the process.

          by GiGi on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 12:14:44 PM PDT

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          • Thanks for saying this... (0 / 0)

            Yes, 13 is young, but I don't think 13 year olds having sex is a new phenomenon.  I had more than one friend "active" at that age 30 years ago.  Nationwide, the stat is 6/1000 13 and 14 year olds have had sex at least once. I consider the age at which I lost my virginity to be pretty young too, and like you, I never had any hang-ups about it, don't regret it, etc...

            by TeachPeace on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 06:08:29 PM PDT

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      • This whole line of conversation has me thinking (0 / 0)

        What age is it OK to have sex? I mean, when would it not be a mistake?

        In my own experience, context plays a role. Without getting too graphic, I lost my virginity as a junior in high school. It was with a long-term boyfriend who was four years older than me (my parents sanctioned the relationship). I emerged unscathed and basically had a good time.

        But when I was in college and was really going through a very difficult period emotionally, I had some really messed up "relationships" (if you can call them that) where I would definitely call the sexual aspect a mistake. So I did better at 16 than at 21. And I actually took more risks at 21 too.

        I'm one of the lucky people who came out on the other side without an unwanted pregnancy or a disease. But I recognize now my own luck.

        With that said, I wouldn't want my kids to have sex at 13 and actually feel ambivalent about them having it as young as I did. But I do wonder if we can assign a specific age to when it's appropriate.

        by mpg on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 05:39:27 PM PDT

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        • Personally, (0 / 0)

          I don't think that anyone can assign a specific age to when sex becomes appropriate. I think "appropriate sex" is really subjective. There are very mature teenagers who can deal with the emotional aspect of a sexual relationship, and there are people in their 20's, who cannot.

          When I personally consider sex a mistake is when you're not emotionally ready, as in Karina's friend. If she were ready, she would have used precautions and would have been able to have "the conversation" with her parents and her boyfriend. So far, she's the only one carrying this burden.

          Because of THAT, I think sex at 13 was a mistake for her.

          by gloria on Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 12:40:30 AM PDT

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    • the brilliancy of a film like juno (0 / 0)

      is that the story of juno is a young woman who made the decision that was right for her w/o pressure from anyone -- probably not realistic -- and made a plan for herself and her child. Real different from the old school of surrendering a child or "giving it up for adoption" where the idea was that the woman "should forget" (as if that is possible, even for Juno) about the child.  

      by brave on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 06:05:02 PM PDT

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  • I was a teen parent (0 / 0)

    and, dang, was it hard -- and I was 17 when I had my son. Not 13.

    I was the typical "good girl," so I'm proof that it can happen to anyone, as Gloria so lovingly -- and smartly -- explained to her daughter.

    I stayed in high school until maybe a week before he was born, squeezing into those desks, trying to ignore the glares and stares from people in the hallways. That alone was horrible. I still shudder when I think about it.

    People can be cruel. Not only was I dealing with everything in my own mind, worrying about what course my life was taking, etc., but I also was dealing with other people's opinions about "what should happen to me" because of what happened.

    And guess where the baby's dad was? Safe and happy and virtually unscathed. That's the way it was until our son was 12 years old, when he finally came back permanently into his life. So, I echo the comments about making sure the boy is held accountable, too.

    And here's another thing to remember: Everyone has made mistakes, or done things they regret in their lives. My mistake was just more visible than others'. What's the saying about casting the first stone?

    For the record, though, I DO NOT consider my son a mistake. He is one of the best things that has ever happened to me, and I love him dearly. He's 16 now -- the same age I was when I had him. Circle of life.

    With that experience under my belt, I would say 13 is very, very young to become a mother. I don't know what I would do if my daughter (who is only 1, but I still worry!) got pregnant as a teen of any age, let alone 13. Even though I chose to keep my son, I would try to help my teen make the best decision for HER -- and hopefully at that age, it isn't keeping it.

    by Kay on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:34:24 PM PDT

    • I was 17 when I had him, (0 / 0)

      16 when I got pregnant. I messed that up in the above post. Sorry.

      by Kay on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:35:08 PM PDT

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    • What drives me nuts (0 / 0)

      ... are teenagers (and parents, too) who are the first to make cruel comments about pregnant students.  And they are having sex, too.  Haven't any of them heard, "There, but for the grace of god, go I?"  (I am not saying a pregnancy is an ungodly thing -- you know what I mean.)

      by Shell on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 01:54:05 PM PDT

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    • Wow (0 / 0)

      Thanks for sharing this story. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. It must have been very hard - did you have help and support from your family?

      by mpg on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 05:33:35 PM PDT

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    • Both my children... (0 / 0)

      were "surprises", but NOT mistakes. The mistake I was referring to is being a sexually active child, who isn't practicing safe sex. I can't imagine being 13 years old and pregnant!

      by gloria on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 05:36:04 PM PDT

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  • It is illegal to prevent (0 / 0)

    a pregnant or parenting teen from attending a public school, or to force them to attend special parenting programs or alternative schools.  Not sure how the laws play out for private schools.  

    by TeachPeace on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 02:50:24 PM PDT

  • that was totally me, but at 17 (0 / 0)

    i was the last of all of my girlfriends to have sex, and i got pregnant the first time i had sex. (so i was the good girl, but i also abhor the use of "slut" or the idea that liking sex makes one a slut. i do not think gloria meant it in that way, it is just a loaded word unless being used in a "recaptured" way, which is rare.)

    i was 17, i had an abortion. however, i do not consider any of it a mistake - neither having sex, nor having an abortion. it sucked to go through though and i would not be so clearheaded about it had i been 13.  

    13 just seems extremely young to me. so scary for that girl. so scary for her friends. i do hope that her peers can learn from this, without making her "an example." i hope she gets the guidance she needs and no matter what, her education.

    sending some good energy your way as you navigate this one.

    We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - E.R. Murrow

    by lorin on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:19:10 PM PDT

  • I love the conversation (0 / 0)

    you had with your daughter Gloria. I have a two year old daughter, and I hope I have the wisdom and compassion you showed your daughter during your conversation regarding her friend.

    Neither of my pregnancies were planned.... however I was 29 when I had my first son. I always used to say that babies were not mistakes, but surprises.... I don't know that that statement applies when you are just 13.

    My mom started talking to my sister and I about sex when I was 8 and she was 9. The inappropriate touch conversation happened even years before that. I know 8 sounds young, but I got my period when I was nine and got my first training bra when I was in the 4th grade. That same year I had a boy that used to tell me he wanted to "bone" me. My last name is Bonaparte and he used to ask, "Can I bone you apart?" This clever little shit used to make my life hell, chasing me all over the school yard trying to touch my boobs. I'm grateful for the conversations my mom had with us, because like it or not, things like this happen to young GIRLS all the time. Education is the best prevention, and even then, people make mistakes.

    by sandrab on Fri Jan 25, 2008 at 08:54:58 PM PDT

    • god that's awful (0 / 0)

      I'm sorry to hear you had to deal with that harassment at such a young age.

      by Stacey on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 11:44:59 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • It was frustrating (0 / 0)

        but now that I'm re-reading my post I didn't quite make the point I was trying to get at, which was basically that I'm thankful my mom talked to us about sex at such a young age, by 4th grade I was already being propositioned. I feel for this girl for not being able to talk to her mom. I wonder if her mom and she have had the "talk". I always felt comfortable talking to my mom about most things, and I think it's because she was so open about it.

        by sandrab on Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 06:05:39 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • How does she know she's pregnant? (0 / 0)

    I don't want to doubt her, but did she take a test or go to a clinic or anything?  I just wonder if a sexual active 13-year-old could freak out about a late period and jump to conclusions.  

    It's such a tough call at that age, but I hope she has the support of her family.

    by Treena on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 05:13:19 PM PDT

    • From what karina has told me... (0 / 0)

      She took a few pregnancy tests, which all came back positive. I asked Karina for an update yesterday, and she told me that the girl hasn't told her family yet, nor has she told the father. So far she's dealing with this on her own, and is still very scared.

      by gloria on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 05:34:09 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • darn (0 / 0)

        I guess that's pretty conclusive.  I was hoping it wasn't really the case, for her sake.

        by Treena on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 06:35:25 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • telling her parents (0 / 0)

        Does the girl know that you know? I'm thinking of her parents now. I don't think you should tell them, but maybe you could talk to her about why she's hesitating to ask them for help. She can't handle this on her own. Maybe she's terrified of their reaction or of disappointing them. I think most reasonable parents would want their child to turn to them in a crisis and not hide the truth. And anyway, if she's going to go ahead with the pregnancy, they're going to find out soon enough and she needs prenatal care (at least vitamins).

        by Stacey on Sat Jan 26, 2008 at 08:54:16 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I really don't know... (0 / 0)

          if Karina has mentioned to her that I know. I don't know the girl personally, otherwise I would have asked to speak with her.

          by gloria on Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 12:42:32 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • school counselor? (0 / 0)

            Perhaps you could contact a school counselor so she has an adult to talk to?  I don't think they'd be required to report a pregnany to parents, but could probably work with the girl to figure out how to talk to her parents (and maybe even facilitate the conversation).

            If I were in your shoes, I'd feel obligated to get a responsible adult involved ASAP.  The girl must be going through hell and needs support from someone older than 13.

            by Treena on Sun Jan 27, 2008 at 02:58:22 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

  • what a tough position (0 / 0)

    This is a really difficult situation for you, since you don't know the girl. So it's awkward for you to try to talk to her.  I guess I'd offer that through your daughter anyway, if it seems she has no one else.  I guess, too, I'd be sure your daughter knows (and can pass on) the location of the nearest abortion provider, and make sure she (both your daughter and her friend) knows that's an acceptable route (before it gets too late!).  I might even—with a gulp—offer to help her with money for an abortion if that proves to be an obstacle.  Of course it would be way better for the girl to deal with this with her family, but I can think of lots of scary reasons that might not be possible.

    Carolyn McC rockthecradleblog.com

    by CarolynMcC on Mon Jan 28, 2008 at 11:15:15 AM PDT

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