Mother Talkers

Teenage miscarriage

by Laura

Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:39:17 PM PDT

My niece is 16.  Smart girl, big plans to go to college, lots of potentional, loving parents, but growing up in a family that just couldn't catch a break.  She went out with some new friends, had too much to drink (first time), had sex (again first time) and got pregnant.  Her family was disappointed but supportive.  Their perspective (after Alice made her choice) was that every life should be greated with excitement and joy and they were bound and determined not to mourn the birth of their first grandchild, no matter the circumstances.  They were also committed that this wouldn't be the end of their little girl's life- she would still go to college and they'd support her in whatever way they needed to.  (For the record, they examined all the options and the hurdles- emotional and logistical- around termination were just too steep.  I have to respect that because, in my opinion, that's the definition of choice.)

But today she had her 12 week ultrasound and discovered that there's no fetal heartbeat.  No movement.  They think that she miscarried at 10 weeks and she'll have a D & C in the next few days.  The response from some members of the family has been appalling- things that no one would say to an adult woman who lost her child.  (One lovely individual congratulated her on the miscarriage.  Another made a joke about dodging a bullet.)  Granted, my emotions are confusing.  One hand, she gets a chance to have the life she was pointed towards before.  Other hand, she's grieving the loss of an identity that she (and her family) had just started to come to terms with.  She's lost a child- does it matter that she's only 16?  Shouldn't she be allowed to grieve, or is her "teen mom" status supposed to preclude those feelings?

All I can think to do is send my best energy her way and light a candle for the family- including the member that they won't get to meet.  What about others?  How would you have handled this?

Tags: Miscarriage, teen pregnancy (all tags)

Permalink | 27 comments

  • that's a tough one (0 / 0)

    I can't be sure how I'd react -- I am imagining my niece who is a sophomore in college. I think I would be secretly relieved, but I would NEVER say that to her or anyone in that family [maybe privately to my DH].

    by Lisa in Austin on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:46:44 PM PDT

  • grief (0 / 0)

    grief knows no age; I think it's appalling that family members would "congratulate" your neice. Of course your neice and her family should mourn the loss.

    by Rachel on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:49:05 PM PDT

    • no age and there aren't limits... (0 / 0)

      you know, its almost as bad as when people assume you don't "mind" losing a child so much if you have others.

      by tjb22 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 05:03:46 PM PDT

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      • ay, ay, ay (0 / 0)

        there's another. I think people are motivated by genuine awkwardness and trying to find a positive. I think we need to educate people that a.) it's fine to be awkward around expressions of death and b.) there shouldn't have to be good news, or a silver lining. Just an "I'm so sorry" can do the trick.

        by Rachel on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 05:21:28 PM PDT

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  • She can do both (0 / 0)

    That is, grieve and feel relieved. Hopefully someone can talk to her and "give" her permission to feel both, if that's how she feels. Meaning not pressure her to  acknowledge or show just one or the other. Her parents sound pretty astute, and that's a great thing.

    I feel for her, that's just quite a lot to experience at such a young age.

    RachelD

    by RachelD on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:50:13 PM PDT

    • oh, you're good (0 / 0)

      I wanted to find a way to say that, that the girl shouldn't feel guilty if she eventually feels relieved. You're good, you.

      by Rachel on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 03:54:50 PM PDT

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      • yes, I applaud RachelD's (0 / 0)

        comment too!  Really wise.  So often we all get trapped thinking it's either/or...but in reality probably most, if not every, situation has components of positive and negative.  

        What a tough situation no matter how the feelings get internalized.  Heartwrenching.

        karen

        by karen m on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 04:10:28 PM PDT

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    • FWIW (0 / 0)

      I had that mix of emotions at my choice of termination.  I was relieved - knew it was the right decision - but also sad about the baby that never was.  

      I can only imagine that the mix of feelings for this young woman (same age as my DD) is even more complex and more intense.  Permission to feel them all is probably an important step.

      by Sue in Queens on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 05:39:24 PM PDT

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    • You're so right (0 / 0)

      Complicated relationships lead to complicated grief. Her relationship with that baby was surely very complicated, and she should be allowed to sit with all of her contradictory emotions. Others should probably get out of the way.

      by sangfroid on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:40:49 PM PDT

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    • I agree completely (0 / 0)

      Relief and grief do not have to be conflicting emotions in this situation.  Giving her permission to feel both would be very supportive.

      Jen

      by MrsPastor on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:59:21 AM PDT

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  • You send sympathy. (0 / 0)

    Now's not the time to be judgmental.  Tell her you know how sad she is and that you're sorry she's had to go through this.  Its also ok to let her know that its not the end of her life...

    by tjb22 on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 05:02:15 PM PDT

    • I sent my sympathy along right away, (0 / 0)

      but I wonder about the choices of others in our family.  I don't want to drive a wedge, but part of me is furious at their responses.  Other parts sort of understand what they mean but still can't come to terms with it.  It doesn't help that there is a significant fundamentalist element in the family tree,  so judgement is part of the package there.  I'm going to try to hold onto the idea that it's okay to feel both relieved and heartbroken- though that level of complexity is a lot for a teenager to fathom- even one as smart as she.

      by Laura on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 06:52:02 PM PDT

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      • They are rude (0 / 0)

        insensitive, unhelpful.  But, as another post pointed out, calling people assholes seldom does too much good.

        I miscarried at 7 weeks in grad school.  I was living hours away from my husband, and I hadn't even told him I was pregnant.  I was severely depressed, although I didn't quite understand that at the time.  I was planning to get an abortion.  I was very relieved.  And completely heartbroken.  I still am.  I imagine I would have felt that way if I had the abortion, too.  It's natural to grieve for a lost future, a lost child.

        I will be charitable and say, maybe those folks in the family are very much at a loss and trying to think of something reassuring to say.  Ugh.

        by lonespark on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:14:42 PM PDT

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    • Exactly (0 / 0)

      I would probably personally feel relieved that her future is once again open to all the possibilities she had before. But I would never, ever say anything of the sort to her in that way. I would honestly be proud of the way she handled the difficult decisions, and be very sad at the loss of a life. It may help her to know that she can move forward when she's ready, but all in good time.

      by Jen on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:49:17 PM PDT

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  • I'd be furious too (0 / 0)

    While it's totally understandable that some of these relatives would be relieved, it's just mean to voice that to your niece.  

    You're right...no one would make such a comment to an adult...appalling that they'd say such things to a teenager.

    by Pastry Demon on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:15:28 PM PDT

  • And (0 / 0)

    don't you know that teenagers' feelings are irrelevant.  They're not legally people, after all.  Just dangerous hormone tornados whose function is to join gangs and have promiscuous sex.  (Snark, y'all!  DH has a Republican school pal who thinks this way.  And he's a parole officer.  Joy!)

    by lonespark on Mon Sep 10, 2007 at 07:16:51 PM PDT

  • People say stupid stuff (0 / 0)

    No matter what your age or circumstances, a miscarriage is a loss. And no matter what your age or circumstances, people say really stupid, insensitive things.

    It is important to understand that generally, most people are really only trying to bring comfort. They don't understand that pointing out that "something was probably wrong with it," or "this is for the best anyway" is not really comforting or helpful. But they are trying.

    It wouldn't help to point out to them that they are hurting more than they are helping. That would offend some and cause even more hurt feelings, which no one needs. However, you can always say to your niece, "People say some really odd things, but in their hearts they only want to make you feel better." Someone needs to remind her that people really do love her and care about her, and that she can "be the bigger person" and forgive them for their less-than-perfect responses to grief and loss.

    by minnmom on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 06:04:58 AM PDT

    • Agreed here. (0 / 0)

      This poor girl is going to know way more about human nature than girls her age usually need to know, eh?

      It seems that if a dumb thing was said in kindness, then no ill will should stand, but dumb reactions are a good way to open up conversations about what all the real feelings are (not necessarily with the person who said the dumb comment). I think the awkward/bad attempts are better than no attempt at communication, and can actually help clarify and understand in the long run.

      by tarantula on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 07:45:54 AM PDT

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      • Just look (0 / 0)

        at the wonderful points being made in this thread! And all are attempts at making sense of the anger, sadness, and complexity. Maybe she should read the thread?

        I just keep imagining what a brother or an uncle would say to this little girl. They have to say something because of their close relationship, but talk about unprepared....there's no right way except to try to say something. Bleah, good wishes to you all in getting through this.

        by tarantula on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 07:51:21 AM PDT

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  • oh, poor girl (0 / 0)

    On so many levels. Depending on her personality, the jokes could conceivably roll off, but how awful that she couldn't be surrounded by only the most sensitive of reactions at this time. My heart goes out to her.

    if you wobba cypress trees then I will wobba you

    by thais on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:12:16 AM PDT

  • Oh my word! (0 / 0)

    Oh my word!  That is awful that people would say things like that to her.

    If she had decided to keep the baby, first of all, then she deserves just as much sympathy as any woman, married, whatever, would be given.

    But even if she feels ambivalent about this loss (I'm not quite sure what she is feeling), then that is fine for her and she is entitled to perhaps feeling a mix of relief and sadness, but the comments are still inappropriate and cruel.

    As many people mentioned above, some people always seem to say stupid things at difficult times.  They could learn a lesson to just be quiet if they have nothing nice to say.

    by NJmom on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:35:45 AM PDT

  • asdf (0 / 0)

    i also find it appalling, the comments people are making. i do not care how it happens - miscarriage, abortion - if you carry a child, you mourn that child if you do not have it - even if you only carry for 6 weeks.

    the very first time i had sex, i got pregnant, and i chose to abort. i still mourned that child. i was 17. 17 is human, too.

    sending out some love and healing to her and her family.

    We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - E.R. Murrow

    by lorin on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:59:26 AM PDT

  • First off (0 / 0)

    my condolences to your niece and her parents.  They'd decided to welcome this new life into theirs, and aren't able to.  

    I read the thread to DH last night, and he was of the opinion that what relatives should do is thank and congratulate the parents (your niece's folks) for being so supportive, & so loving of their daughter and grandchild.  Then, remind the mourning mother (your niece) that she is surrounded by people who love her, and care for her, and point out the love her folks showed.  Later on there can be a discussion of "it's okay to feel relief that your life isn't changing as much as a baby's arrival would have changed it, but your life now is still different than it was before you got pregnant."

    I think that's the main thing (besides tact) that these people are missing.  It isn't like the miscarriage just rewound her life 12 weeks...she doesn't get her old "what consequences?" teenaged outlook back.

    Secondly, you women here are amazing.  I love this board for the discussions like this one, that are honest and sensitive.

    What do you mean, uh-oh? Toddler & baby pictures

    by round peg inna square hole on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 09:32:57 AM PDT

    • re: your niece (0 / 0)

      your response was about the wisest I've seen, rpish!

      So sad all around-what supportive parents the niece has! And the clock does not turn back from this event-I'd imagine the 16 year old would be ambivalent at best, but expressions of love, support, and "I'm sorry for you loss' are all that really need to be said right now.

      by poppygirl on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 01:27:52 PM PDT

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  • i had one once...then twice (0 / 0)

    i have to say that i would grieve...and intensely. the first one i had, i didn't even know i was pregnant until i had miscarried. the second time i was about 14 weeks in when i found out. it was tough, but if i were you, i'd encourage her to feel exactly as she truly feels no matter how mixed her feelings might be.since my first was when i was about 17, i understand where she's coming from. you're happy that you can go on with your life and learned a valuable lesson about keeping your wits about you in all situations but it's also very painful to not just lose the life but that hope that a new life can bring to you, even if you're unaware of it. maybe it would be good to just say "i'm here, i'll listen and i won't judge you." that may be what she needs now or maybe even later, when she's worked it out a little more.

    you get what you give

    by momof2 on Tue Sep 11, 2007 at 08:01:54 PM PDT

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