Mother Talkers

Body Hair and High Heels UPDATE

by Treena

Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 08:39:53 AM PDT

UPDATE: So I ended up trimming my armpit hair substantially, and I really doubt anyone noticed.  (It was horrendously hot so I passed on the shawl idea, but I'll remember it for next time.)  I also found that with the length of the dress I was wearing, my shoes were barely visible, so I went with the comfy sandals.  The whole event was over so fast I couldn't believe how much time I had spent worrying it about.  Thanks for all the advice!

I'm attending a wedding this weekend which should be a lot of fun, but I'm already feeling stressed about it.  I really, really hate getting dressed up.  I have ever since I was a little kid.  I didn't even have a wedding myself, partially because the thought of getting dressed up and having everyone looking at me was too stressful.

I consider myself pretty low maintenance, and I make a point not to do things to my body just because I'm supposed to.  So I don't own any make up, nail polish, or even jewelry.  I also don't shave... at all.  This has been a very gradual development with lots of self doubt and insecurity involved, but I'm generally pretty OK with it now.  Until I have to go to a wedding, that is.

I gave up shaving my legs a few years ago, and my armpits more recently.  I hated shaving and it used to give me rashes, so I couldn't think of any good reason to continue.  I couldn't stand the stubbly feeling in between shaving, and didn't want to shave daily, so I just stopped.  I still have such conflicted feelings about my body hair.  I know that my body grows hair and I don't see any reason to cover it up.  I also did some research and found that women started shaving in this country when the razor markets decided they needed a new audience and started an ad campaign convincing women they should shave (which obviously worked pretty well).  In some ways, I also see my body hair as a statement.  It's something that if people see more often, it will be more normal, and women will feel more comfortable deciding not to shave.  I still haven't worn a tank top in public since I stopped shaving my armpits, though, so I'm not as comfortable with it as I appear.

This wedding I'm attending is black tie, and I have a sleeveless dress (which I borrowed, since I can't stand dress shopping).  I'm really having a hard time deciding what to do about my armpit hair.  I just feel ridiculous enough in a dress to start with, and hairy armpits with a fancy dress just seems wrong somehow.  It also feels wrong to shave my armpits for this event, since I hate shaving, would have a rash for weeks afterwards, and would feel like a hypocrite for shaving for a special event.

As if this hairy dilemma weren't enough, I also need to decide which shoes to wear.  I have a very simple, very plain pair of black sandals that I've worn to the past few weddings.  I definitely feel like I'm dressing down, but with a sundress I think they're OK.  I'm not sure if they're acceptable for a black tie wedding with a fancier dress.  I ordered a pair of shoes with heels thinking I would wear them, but since I'm not used to wearing heels, they're really not comfortable.  The thought of buying another pair of shoes before the wedding makes me feel queasy, so please don't suggest that.  Again, I'm forced to decide between being comfortable and doing what seems natural to me, and conforming to values that I don't agree with.

I'm desperate for advice, so please share any thoughts.  

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What should I do?

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Tags: body hair, high heels (all tags)

Permalink | 31 comments

  • be a trailblazer (0 / 0)

    wear what you feel comfortable in. if you are self conscious about the armpit hair, find a shawl or somesuch to wear over your sleeveless dress. i think people are less likely to notice your legs and shoes. they should be focusing on the bride and groom, and when dealing specifically with you - the light that shines from your eyes, not the outer trappings.

    We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - E.R. Murrow

    by lorin on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 08:39:26 AM PDT

    • "The light will shine" if you feel OK (0 / 0)

      You should wear the sandals and don't shave. Then the light will shine from your eyes. OTW, you will feel like a fraud, maybe still not measure up to the rest of the shaven and shorn, and be filled with the regret of the conformist the entire evening. Hairy and sandal-clad--they go together like hand in glove!
      P.S. This comment from a lifelong shaver with permanently sore feet from wearing high heels!

      by threesmommy on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:09:16 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Borrow a different outfit? (0 / 0)

    I think a different outfit might solve all of these dilemmas in one fell swoop. Could you borrow a fancy evening blouse and long skirt, or even evening pants? Add a borrowed necklace or bracelet and what's not black tie about that?

    Would solve the armpit dilemma and shoe dilemma because any shoes would be fine.

    Otherwise, I like the shawl idea - maybe a friend has an evening shawl or wrap and that solves it, too. If you're queasy about buying another pair of shoes, you could borrow a very low pair of evening shoes, too.

    Whatever you decide, make yourself comfortable (even if it means stuff you wouldn't normally wear) or you're going to be thinking about your clothes and shoes and armpits at the wedding, and that sucks for you, too.

    Have fun with it - wedding and all.

    RachelD

    by RachelD on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:00:12 AM PDT

    • I agree (0 / 0)

      You can avoid the whole conundrum by borrowing something different.

      While I am 100% behind your own personal choices and don't think you should at ALL feel embarrassed by them, I wonder if showing up in a sleeveless dress wouldn't, possibly, draw more attention to yourself than not? Especially at a black tie event. It's someone else's wedding day, and you don't strike me as the type that wants to draw attention anyway. I think the sleeveless dress is just a bad idea, even with a wrap because it'll be noticeable, the opposite of what you are wanting.

      Maybe I'm out of line here too, but the wedding isn't so much about the guests and what they would WANT to wear. If you care enough about the person to want to go and support their black-tie event, then be supportive of their wishes and choice and wear what is appropriate and won't draw attention away from the main event. At my own wedding, I didn't really care what people wore, but some friends put so much thought into the style of wedding they wanted, so much effort that it was almost better NOT to go than to not conform to the ideal. In other words, not the place to make YOUR personal statement, IMO.

      New York and Company has great, simple dresses for under $50, as does lane bryant or the Limited (depending which size you need, I'm a lane bryant / New York and Co between girl).

      by lilianna28 on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:12:00 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • I agree. (0 / 0)

        I think conforming to the dress standard set by the bride and groom is showing respect for them. I also like the idea of borrowing clothes if you don't want to spend anything more on a wedding outfit.

        Can you return the shoes? You never wore them, you're never going to, return them. No point in paying money for something you won't wear. Then you can get yourself a cute pair of ballet flats or a peep-toe shoe with a low heel (or save the money and wear sandals, it's summer after all).

        by minnmom on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:34:01 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I'll return the shoes if I don't wear them (0 / 0)

          I got them from Zappos and they have a great return policy.  

          I agree that I should conform to the dress standard to show respect, but I also don't see body hair removal as a prerequisite for a black tie wedding.  The shoes are a little tricker, but I think the sandals are probably OK.  Really, who's going to be looking at my feet?

          by Treena on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:47:33 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • I think the body hair (0 / 0)

            would be more about how comfortable you feel.  If you're going to be preoccupied the whole time with what people think about your armpits, are you going to be in a celebratory frame of mind?  I think someone else's special day isn't really the time to Make a Statement, especially about something you're not already completely comfortable with.

            I feel you, because I don't usually like dressing up, either.  One thing that helped me get more comfortable with it was realizing no one actually cares much about how I dress, unless it's way out of line for the occasion.  So I would echo the others who say wear a shawl (though I am wondering if a sundress is appropriate for a black-tie affair?), or borrow something that obviates the need for one.    

            Good luck.  It's not fun missing that girly gene at times like these, I know :-)

            by mamacita on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 10:26:02 AM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • I feel like I missed the class... (0 / 0)

              growing up where you learn how to be a girl/woman.  Which is funny because my mom is pretty girly (into makeup, jewelry, coordinating outfits, etc.).  I guess I was just being disinterested and rebellious.

              Anyway, my point here is that I like the shawl idea, except I don't own one, and I'm not even quite sure what one is or where you would get one.  If anyone could find a link to a picture of a shawl, that would be great!  I could make a quick TJ Maxx run if I could find one there.

              by Treena on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 10:34:11 AM PDT

              [ Parent ]

              • here you go (0 / 0)

                Here's a shawl, also from Target. TJ Maxx should have them. And peek down the shoe aisle and try on some ballet flats! Let us know how you do!

                by Erika on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 10:49:49 AM PDT

                [ Parent ]

              • Not really about being "girly"... (0 / 0)

                I think it's more about the event than the girliness of getting dressed up- we would probably have the same comments for a guy who was asking if he could avoid the tie part of the black tie, or something similar.

                by lilianna28 on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:02:31 AM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                • On conformity... (0 / 0)

                  I think there are really two kinds of conformity I'm talking about here.  There's:

                  1. Conforming to the dress of the wedding, which I'm mostly planning to do by wearing an appropriate dress (although I'm hoping to dress down with the shoes).
                  1. Conforming to societal expectations that women shouldn't have hair on certain parts of their bodies.

                  I'm resigned to #1, since I think it shows respect, but I have more a philosophical issue with #2.

                  by Treena on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:24:23 AM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

              • I joke that I feel like (0 / 0)

                a female impersonator, but I'm really only half-joking.  Your mom sounds like mine; it has been so hard for her to have a daughter who isn't into her looks.  That also comes up for me when I feel completely bored and unmotivated about anything related to housekeeping, sending greeting cards, or entertaining.  I mean, am I missing some parts?!

                And I totally get what you're saying about sticking up for your principles.  But in this case, I'm not sure you're comfortable enough yet with the hair thing to try to make a statement about it.  Does that make sense?

                Plus, if you can handle TJ Maxx with the assistance of all these helpful sisters, you are doing fine.  They have lots of comfortable but cute stuff.

                by mamacita on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 12:35:49 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

                • Same here (0 / 0)

                  I can't handle those things, although I do conjure up holiday cards because I like to receive them. Otherwise, bored and unmotivated about sums it up.

                  Downthread, I mentioned these black tie gigs I go to with my husband - his law firm gigs. Well, one year, another woman and I laughed slightly subversively over our martinis as we tried to figure out who the "good wives" were - the ones who were born knowing how to dress for these gigs, and didn't complain about them, who have perfect houses with recently dusted baseboards, who know how to cook, and even like it, the ones demurely sipping white wine. Unlike us. (And yeah, we're all "wives" at these things - only about 10 women partners, and their husbands blend right in.).

                  We spotted a couple LOL.

                  RachelD

                  by RachelD on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 01:37:12 PM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

              • Also, try loking on ebay (0 / 0)

                for a bolero jacket (has sleeves but just sits under your boobs).  In fact, if you like that otion, I have a very simple black one (knit but very dressy) in black that fits me tightly (I'm a 16) and my MIL loosly (she's a 4).  You can borrow it if you'd like.

                What do you mean, uh-oh? baby pictures

                by round peg inna square hole on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 04:29:24 PM PDT

                [ Parent ]

      • borrowing a dress would be too stressful (0 / 0)

        I know that seems like an easy option, but for whatever reason I just can't handle it.  The only way I ended up with the one I have is my SIL heard I was going to a fancy wedding, took it out of her closet, and said "Want this?"  I did make a genuine effort to search online for a fancy dress with sleeves, but after a while gave up because I wasn't finding any good options.  I'm normally not a procrastinator, but I guess I thought if I just waited on making this decision an answer would become obvious.

        I'm also definitely not someone who likes to draw attention to myself, and I totally get and respect that this is someone else's wedding.  But I also want to be comfortable and respect my values.

        Last time I went to a wedding, I wore a dress with very short sleeves and trimmed my armpit hair significantly (so I didn't have to deal with the rash).  I'm thinking of doing the same and just really hoping no one there takes an interest in my armpits.  At least that way it's not so "in-your-face."

        by Treena on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:41:01 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • Well, your SIL! (0 / 0)

          Ask her for help, and then  - the hard part - actually accept the help, and the outfits she finds (within your budget of course).

          She clearly saw where this was heading: nothing to wear, stress, angst, and uncomfortable-ness (for you) at the wedding.

          We all have had clothing related identity crises and self-doubt meltdowns. This is what slightly bossy best friends and SILs with spare evening clothes are FOR.  

          I have to agree with above that effort needs to be made to dress for a friend's wedding.  OTOH, one of my best and oldest friends is a member of the hairy armpit set (you could be my friend for all I know!!! LOL). For our (admittedly) fancy pants and very urban wedding reception, she and her family dressed according to both their sensibilities and the occasion. Other friends did in fact comment to me, but in a friendly manner. Nobody died. Part of the fun of going to a wedding is seeing and meeting all your friend's friends.

          It all works out in the end.

          Good luck!

          by RachelD on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 10:11:48 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • asdf (0 / 0)

    I would wear what you want, how you want to wear it.  Maybe you could get one of those shrugs that just cover up your shoulders?

    Honestly, I'm not sure how I feel about the whole "black tie" thing for weddings anyway. Unless your family is used to going to such events all the time, like the Kennedys or such other royalty, it can be a burden I feel, depending on the family.

    by NJmom on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 09:54:01 AM PDT

    • It IS a burden (0 / 0)

      the one I went to was such a pain. But there were 2 I declined attending because I did not want to go through the drama of it. I would err on the side of not going before going dressed inappropriately...

      by lilianna28 on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:01:02 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • agree (0 / 0)

        It is a burden!

        And then to add extra confusion, people write "black tie OPTIONAL".  Now you got half the place in tuxes and ballgowns, and half not.  Ugh.  

        For example, if it's an evening wedding at a really nice place, you can pretty much figure out that you should dress up.  If it's a morning wedding on a beach, you can also figure out what is appropriate to wear.

        I agree with you that declining invites is always an option though.  You don't have to go to everything and it is just an invitation, not an order!  : )

        by NJmom on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:49:57 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    • Yeah (0 / 0)

      I think attendees should just do the best they can, because getting that dressed up is a royal pain, and can be expensive all in one shot, even for bargain shoppers. With possibly no where to wear the stuff ever again.

      My husband's law firm does a black tie optional thing twice a year and until I had my four get ups to put in rotation, I bitched considerably about it. Especially since I refuse to pay full price for any piece of clothing. Luckily, being in Northern California, black tie is a huge range, nobody really cares.

      Before we were engaged, I told my husband that if we weren't engaged, I was no longer attending those events as the girlfriend all dressed up. Now I have to go LOL.

      RachelD

      by RachelD on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:21:40 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • compromise? (0 / 0)

    If shaving irritates your skin, why not use a trimmer, just for this occasion?

    You will feel less self-conscious, and hopefully enjoy the occasion instead of wondering if everyone is staring at your armpits (which of course, they aren't, but I know how that can feel).

    And I second minnmom's suggestion of simple ballet flats. Comfortable AND elegant, very Audrey Hepburn! I bought a lovely pair at Target earlier this week for $14.99. They had many colors and styles. Shopping doesn't have to be a major event!

    by Erika on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 10:45:33 AM PDT

    • That's a good idea (0 / 0)

      I was thinking of suggesting it.  It could still be stubbly, but not as bad, and it won't stand out.  It's weird how it can feel like everyone is staring at you, when, of course, they're all just worried about how their own weird wedding clothes fit and look.

      by lonespark on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:31:33 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • I think I'll just trim (0 / 0)

        I'm leaning towards just using the clippers (like I did for the last wedding) and hoping no one looks at my armpits.  Although at the last wedding I attended, all the guests had to do the wave.  And I'll probably wear the sandals, since I think they're borderline dressy enough, and I'd rather just be comfortable.  I'll let you know how it all goes!

        by Treena on Fri Aug 03, 2007 at 11:49:48 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • Shaving, but off topic (0 / 0)

    I shaved nary a leg nor an armpit until the 10th grade, and it was a big deal (to the other kids) because I developed really early and so had more hair than anybody, including our young male gym teacher.  
    I just didn't see the point, and used to get on my mom's case for shaving her legs.  I just never cared what people in general thought.  Then in the 10th grade I did care what one particular boy thought, so I tried shaving.  Since then I do it off and on.  I think it's suitable for certain styles of clothing, and I've always liked dressing up on the rare special occasion.  (Don't wear makeup or nail polish though).

    by lonespark on Thu Aug 02, 2007 at 11:36:08 AM PDT

    • I'm worried about the opposite (0 / 0)

      So far, I only have sons, but I worry that one day I'm going to have to deal with a daughter who wants to shave.  Of course I'd support her decision, but worry that I'm going to be the freaky mom (as if every adolescent's mom doesn't seem freaky enough anyway).  If I ever have a girly daughter I'm going to have hire a femininity consultant or something.

      by Treena on Fri Aug 03, 2007 at 11:47:34 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Wear what you want (0 / 0)

    It's bad enough if you're in the wedding you have to pay for clothes you'd never buy if you have a choice.  But I wouldn't go overboard if I'm just a guest.  Wear what you think is comfortable and appropriate for the occasion and for you.

    About the shaving, that's totally personal.  I still do the pits because it helps control the odor and I like that.  But I've gone way down on the legs.  I maybe do it once a week, less in winter.  I'm not really bothered by stubble.  I didn't shave my legs once for six months and toward the end, I didn't really like the feeling.  So it's just whatever you can handle.  

    I always think my mom is silly to brush her teeth the minute she gets out of bed, instead of after breakfast to get rid of food that causes cavities.  But she can't stand the way her teeth feel when she wakes up.  I've never been bothered by it and can always wait until after I eat.  It's crazy how different, seemingly insignificant things affect people!

    by cynmill on Fri Aug 03, 2007 at 10:49:44 AM PDT

  • glad you enjoyed the wedding! n/t (0 / 0)

    by Erika on Mon Aug 06, 2007 at 11:32:44 AM PDT

  • what a relief (0 / 0)

    to have it over with, and it sounds like it went really well, as far as your outfit.  Congratulations.  

    We all have our bugaboos and I think it's great that you reached out here for help.

    by mamacita on Mon Aug 06, 2007 at 04:34:39 PM PDT

Permalink | 31 comments