Mother Talkers

Making friends

by Little Miss Patriot

Wed May 30, 2007 at 02:42:04 PM PDT

I don't make friends easily.  While people always like me right off the bat, I don't seem to cultivate real friendships.  The ones I've had over the years have faded away as our lives drifted apart.  Now I live with my BFF and I'm friends with his other BFF & his awesome wife, known here as cgisele12 (who sadly lives halfway across the US from us), and I have been "adopted" by my BFF's family who live locally (my family is scattered across the US).  But that's it.  And I'm fine with that.

I know I want better for my DS.  I want to teach him the value of true friendships, and help him develop those friendships (unlike my mom who always undermined my friendships, saying, they don't really like you, etc.-- yes, she had problems).  DS is only two now but I'm already thinking about it.

My main problem is, I don't want to socialize with anyone.  I don't even really care if I leave the house that much.  And while this online community is a godsend, I'm not that excited about being around moms in person.  

I'm probably jumping the gun.  It won't be long at all before he's in some school environment making his own friends, and if he were invited to a party I'd be happy to go along and make small talk.  But for right now, should I be worried that he calls Kipper and the Berenstain Bears his "friends"?  Or inanimate objects?  He's a real people person, always has been.  At age 2, am I doing him a disservice by not taking him out to meet other people?  We have a playground in our neighborhood but for some reason when we go we're the only ones there (new neighborhood, still under half built).  For those of you who have helped me with my neighbor woes, this is why I was so concerned I'd tanked the only friendships he'd made.

What do y'all think?  Am I worrying too soon, or am I right to worry?  Should I be doing something?  And if so, what, considering I'm not that keen on socializing myself?  I don't want him to turn out like me, I don't want to set a bad example, but...  

Well, moms, bring it!

Tags: friendships (all tags)

Permalink | 21 comments

  • hmmmm (0 / 0)

    (Can you tell I'm thinking when I write hmmmm?)

    Just so you know where I'm coming from, I think childhood friendship (or "peer play") is really important.  Other children interact with our kids in ways that we can't, and lots of good comes of it.  

    So, I'm all about the playdates. When DS was really young I would get together with other moms, and then when he started preschool he started picking his friends.  Fortunately when they get older you are not part of the playdates any longer; you're just the transportation.  There were times when he was young and I would have a moment during a playdate when I'd look at the kid's mom and think, "Who are you and what are you doing in my living room?"  But mostly I enjoyed getting to know them and hanging out while the kids played.

    I didn't know any other moms when I had DS, so I had to hunt them down :-).  Places I met other moms: Mommy & Me classes sponsored by the local community college; a parents' group -- I only went one time but met someone there with a daughter DS's age and we hung out for several years while the kids played; and, eventually, at the co-op preschool.  I never had any luck meeting other moms at the park.  I think it might be like men feel in a bar, figuring out how to pick someone up!  

    At this age, you probably can't really make friends for your son unless you are willing to put in the time as well.  But who knows, maybe you'll meet someone simpatico?  We spent many pleasant hours feeding the ducks at the Arboretum, walking around town, getting pizza and taking it across the street to the park, etc., so it's not like you just have to sit there and gab if it's someone you can't relate to.  

    It sounds like your mom did a real number on you, so maybe this would be a time to heal from some of her harmful comments about friends.  You might meet someone you enjoy.

    Good luck, and keep us posted.

    by mamacita on Wed May 30, 2007 at 03:33:35 PM PDT

  • I feel your pain! (0 / 0)

    My 2 yo DS has NO friends of his own (but does have an older sister with whom he happily plays). When DD was little, I forced myself to join a playgroup because I, too, don't make/keep friends easily. We moved x- country when DD was 3, but then she started preschool. Preschool rocks! She deals with other kids, she wants to go to their house after school, etc. and all without any overt effort on my part. Love it! So now I'm trying to get DS into a "rising twos" preschool program. I had him in a music class, but he wasn't talking yet and didn't really click with the other kids - nor did I with the parents. Oh well, I tried.

    What's happening with the neighbor situation?

    by GiGi on Wed May 30, 2007 at 04:08:07 PM PDT

  • hmmmmm, too! (0 / 0)

    I would echo a lot of what Mamacita says above, but I also want to add something from the perspective of the kid. My mom also tended to undermine my friendships as a child, saying that I shouldn't invest much in people who I wouldn't be close to forever (such as HS friends). Or, my friends weren't good enough for me. I don't know where this came from in her, but it set me up for a life of not trusting people and of clinging to friendships that maybe I shouldn't have. My mom had very few friends herself, and as I grew up, she didn't remain in touch with a single one of them. I was her main confidante, which was stressful -- kids shouldn't be their mother's entire support system. So, my main comment is that while you may be comfortable with your level of socialization, your son may not. He may worry that you don't have a support network as he gets older. As long as you have one or two close people that you can turn to for close friendship, that's enough. I'd just caution you that as he grows up not to rely on him for that kind of relationship. Like Mamacita, I worry that you may be avoiding social networking for reasons that are painful. Studies show that as we age, having daily social interaction (doesn't have to be deep) is important for our mental health.

    by jenna on Wed May 30, 2007 at 04:14:03 PM PDT

    • well, that's true (0 / 0)

      I used to worry about my mom, too.  But I do have my BFF, with whom we live, who basically fills the role of DH & second dad or step-dad (DS calls him Gaga).  So it's not like I don't have anyone at all.  And I'm quite close with his family, although he and his siblings are 10-20 years older than I and have grown kids.  His sister and I go out sometimes to see a band, and the family gets together to eat about twice a month, and anything worth celebrating gets a family party.  

      And DS also has a great dad, he just doesn't live with us.  DS goes to Dad's every Thursday to spend the night, and it's become an open house night for any of Dad's friends who want to come play (and they all adore DS, they even throw their own b-day party for him each year, so he gets two parties!).  Only one of that group has a kid and I think they've recently moved or something.  So DS certainly gets a lot of attention, although not "peer play", and sees at least dad having lots of friends, and I and Gaga  spend time with the family as I said.

      I don't know what got into my mom, but I will say she was from a tiny town where everyone knew everyone, left at age 18, met my dad and married him at age 19. He was in the Air Force and they moved 26 times in the next nine years.  There was no way either could maintain friendships other than each other.  Then after I came along, my dad worked in start-ups in the burgeoning computer industry through the 70s and 80s, so we moved a lot as he chased work.  It was hard for any of us to keep friends because we kept moving.  And then there was the weird mom-undermining thing, she was always under a lot of stress and I think was worried about me, in some twisted way.  

      "You see, in this world there is one awful thing, and that is that everyone has his reasons." Jean Renoir

      by Little Miss Patriot on Wed May 30, 2007 at 04:48:37 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • Yeah (0 / 0)

        Sometimes our moms did things that they thought were protective, I think. It's probably why your radar is up about your son meeting other kids. It sounds like you have enough people that you are close to that your child will see his parent having those kinds of relationships. They really do as we do, not as we say, right? Getting my DD involved in preschool was a godsend -- she gets a couple of hours 2x a week to be with kids her age in a structured environment. I chit-chat with the other parents at pick-up time, but that's about it. While I always welcome making a new friend, I also have enough deep connections to old friends that just chit-chatting with those moms is enough for me. It sounds to me like you just became a pro at enjoying your own company after all those years of moving! There are a lot of people who would benefit from having that trait.

        by jenna on Wed May 30, 2007 at 06:00:52 PM PDT

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    • and I don't think (0 / 0)

      that I would turn him into my confidante, my aunt did that to my cousin and I saw how that wasn't so good for cousin.  For that I have my BFF.

      "You see, in this world there is one awful thing, and that is that everyone has his reasons." Jean Renoir

      by Little Miss Patriot on Wed May 30, 2007 at 04:49:59 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Nope (0 / 0)

    At age 2, I would not stress about making friends for your son.  This is coming from someone who did the playgroup scene pretty intensely in my child's first two years.

    If you don't feel like doing the playgroup thing, then don't do it.  

    I do think getting out once a day is important though, just for boredom's sake, but a quick trip to a park, even just the store, the library, bookstore is all good, or even just sitting outside and getting some fresh air.  If you happen to chat to someone there for a few minutes, that is great.  If not, then no worries.  

    I personally believe that we are a nation obsessed with socialization of very, very young children, babies even.  He is being 'socialized', as he is with you and your friend.  

    As he approaches preschool-age, find him a preschool and he will be ready then, he will enjoy it, and you won't have to facilitate.  Which is perfectly, absolutely fine.

    Anyway, just my two cents.  

    by NJmom on Thu May 31, 2007 at 04:37:59 AM PDT

    • I agree. (0 / 0)

      My son has always been extremely social, but at age 2 he didn't have "friends." He had random kids he'd play with in the park, perhaps never to see again. He went to daycare and got along fine with the three other kids there, but he was way to young to do a real playdate, IMO. Even if he weren't in daycare, I still think our trips to the park, library, mall play area, etc., would have been more than enough to fill his "socialization" quota.

      I find myself falling into the weird societal obsession with "friends." When he started preschool I was really worried if he was making "friends." I keep having to remind myself that he's only 4! At that age, I think it's normal to have 1 friend, or no friends, as long as the kid plays with other kids occasionally. I didn't make a real friend until I was in the first grade.

      I think accumulating "friends" can be another way of competing in our acquisitive culture.

      by minnmom on Thu May 31, 2007 at 05:24:52 AM PDT

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    • I'm with NJ and MN (0 / 0)

      Hey, it's me! the one mentioned above, who indeed lives way too far from our good friends!

      Anyway, I remember this term from earlier daycare days (since both of mine have been in daycare since about 6 months of age) "Parallel Play". Toddlers is who I think it applies to. Kids as young as your little guy don't really "play" together, so much as they play in a parallel manner. I always took this to mean that they do less interacting than just simply observing each other while playing around each other. Since their communication skills are limited, their communication between one another seems even more limited.

      I think that once the talking skills grow to more than a handful of words and sentences, they actually start to "play" together and learn about each other.

      IMHO, you are right on schedule for starting to think about this for DS. And for sure, don't kill yourself to make such interactions happen. DS#2 is only just starting to really understand what a friend is, and he's four next month!

      "the "well-informed citizenry" envisioned by our framers has degenerated into a "well-amused audience." Tad Daley, Alternet - interview w/ Al Gore 05/22/07

      by cgiselle12 on Thu May 31, 2007 at 10:42:20 AM PDT

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      • I think I heard about that (0 / 0)

        (parallel play) in the Baby Human series on Discovery Health.

        "You see, in this world there is one awful thing, and that is that everyone has his reasons." Jean Renoir

        by Little Miss Patriot on Thu May 31, 2007 at 02:02:07 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • i was thinking a similiar thought (0 / 0)

        as you mention about parallel play -- you are right that very young children are not typically interested in playing cooperatively at such a young age, developmentally they are more able to play among other children but not necessarily with them in any collaborative way.  They have very predictable stages that can be articulated with a high degree of accuracy.  If I remember correctly there is a great series of books by "Ilg and Ames" that start at age 1 and go through the early teen years with wonderful descriptions of the spectrum of behavior parents are likely to encounter.  I'm sure there are tons of other books as well, but those come up in my memory as being really helpful to me in sorting out stages and behavior when my kids were little.

        karen

        by karen m on Thu May 31, 2007 at 02:19:48 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • parallel play (0 / 0)

        is a pretty important step in the stages of socialization.  It's true that 2 year olds don't use much language during their play bouts, but there is a lot of very useful nonverbal communication going on that is preparatory to cooperative play.  Parallel play is one of the best ways that kids learn to regulate their own and others' behavior, and to "encode" and "decode" nonverbal messages to play partners.  (Rough and tumble play with adults is another way kids learn the essential nonverbal cueing.)  It's also an important precursor to the effective use of social language, because there are opportunities to turn-take and check in visually with each other.

        I'm not suggesting everyone needs to push themselves out of their comfort zone to find playmates for their young children.  I will say, though, as a researcher into children's social and emotional development, that peer play early on is fun and very valuable.  It may look like not much is happening, but in this instance looks are deceiving.

        by mamacita on Thu May 31, 2007 at 03:17:53 PM PDT

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        • I agree (0 / 0)

          with you, mamacita. I've watched both of my kids do the parallel play thing and it really is fun to watch them progress from parallel to 'real' play. My DS, who does not have friends his own age, parallel played with my DD and he is now pretty 'advanced' in terms of how he plays (or so a preschool teacher told me while observing him play before my DDs class one day). Anyway, play is fun, but I understand Little Miss Patriot's issues with play groups and reaching out to other mommies - for some of us that is just not gonna happen!

          by GiGi on Thu May 31, 2007 at 04:10:31 PM PDT

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        • Value (0 / 0)

          I agree that there is value in parallel play, and it seems that even preschoolers engage in it, not just toddlers and babies.

          I just find that the obsession with finding playmates for babies and toddlers, at least in the SAHM world, can be very pressure-filled sometimes.  I think it's cool if a SAHM  really wants to do all the playgroups and kiddie classes and all that, if it serves some need for her.

          I always had this feeling that since I was at home, (i.e. baby or toddler not in daycare) my kid was at-risk of not being 'socialized'.  Not sure where I got that from.  Probably just society, culture, other moms.  

          This can lead to a mom running around like a chicken with her head cut off doing all this stuff, and of course a whole industry has been created to assuage this guilt.

          I guess the trick is to find the opportunities that click for a mom's personality.  Also, I don't think it's necessary to find these things every single day of the week!

          by NJmom on Thu May 31, 2007 at 05:46:48 PM PDT

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  • thanks everyone (0 / 0)

    I feel a lot better about this!

    "You see, in this world there is one awful thing, and that is that everyone has his reasons." Jean Renoir

    by Little Miss Patriot on Thu May 31, 2007 at 01:26:04 PM PDT

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