Mother Talkers

A Sad Charade

by Erika

Fri May 25, 2007 at 12:13:09 PM PDT

Where I went to high school, not a lot of kids went on to college. Getting accepted into a Cal State was great; if you got into a UC, you were golden! Admission into a private university was cause for celebration. I remember thinking that expectations should be higher.

Today, the college admissions process has become insanely competitive, especially at elite high schools. Now we read stories about scholar-athletes with 4.4 GPAs (and volunteer experience that make them look like teenage Mother Theresas) getting rejected by a slew of Ivy League schools. Some kids are cracking under the pressure.

Witness 18-year-old Azia Kim. The Orange County girl graduated from Troy High School in 2006, which was named #21 in Newsweek's recent list of the country's best high schools.

Azia wanted to go to Stanford, but was apparently rejected. So she showed up on campus anyway and posed as a student:

The 18-year-old kept a low profile and was able to pull off the elaborate deception for almost an entire school year, slipping into her dorm room through an open window, relaxing in the dorm lounge and talking about tests she apparently never would take, students said.

"I had no idea," said freshman Jessica Wacker, 18, who lived in the same dormitory. "Everybody was so surprised. It's so strange that everybody in the dorm could have not know about somebody staying here. She just blended in, so you really couldn't tell."

Like most readers, my initial reaction was: WHY would she perpetuate such a charade?

Several students suggested it was because of intense pressure to gain admittance to one of the country's most elite universities.

"She was perpetuating a lie that she had been attending the university," Wacker said. "I think she had told her parents, and she perpetuated the lie so far that she actually had to come to the campus to stay here."

Freshman Alissa Haber, 19, whose softball teammate shared a room with Kim for the fall and winter quarters, said she sympathized with the impostor.

"When I was going through the application process, I was pretty nervous, too," Haber said. "I mean, not to the point where if I didn't get in I would have faked it, but I can understand that there's a lot of pressure from outside forces to get into a school like this."

Azia apparently blogged about her college experience, ruminating on finals and looking forward to summer.

Many parents are understandably upset that a young woman breached campus security so brazenly, and the Santa Clara District Attorney is considering whether or not to press charges.

My reaction is overwhelming sympathy. This girl clearly nurtured this dream for so long that she couldn't bear to let it go, or to disappoint those around her. My heart breaks when I think of how desperate and lost she must have felt roaming the campus, nursing this terrible, shameful secret, wanting so badly to belong there.

Azia's pastor was stunned by the revelation:

"What I know is she got accepted at Stanford and went to Stanford," said Bert Yun, adding that he was completely unaware she wasn't a student there. "I've never heard these stories."

He said Kim was a motivated and diligent teenager, and any deception would be "out of character."

"Why would she do that?" he asked. "She's a very good person."

Yun last heard from Kim by e-mail about five or six months ago.

"When I heard from her," he recalled, "she said she was having a great time at Stanford."

I hope she gets the counseling she so clearly needs, and I hope that parents and educators everywhere reevaluate this crushing pressure we place on young people. It's too much, too soon.

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Tags: college entrance, pressure, teens (all tags)

Permalink | 17 comments

  • asdf (0 / 0)

    This reminds me of my dad's friend who lost his job and pretended to go to work for close to a year when he was actually unemployed. His wife and kids never knew. Maybe it's just me, but isn't all the lying and deception waaaay more stressful than coming out with the truth? I mean, what did this girl think would happen? That she'd fake her way to a fake graduation day and a fake diploma? Where did her parents think their tuition checks were going?

    I guess my sympathy here is a little limited. She could have gone to a lower-ranked college and life would have been just fine. I think some of these "high achievers," having gotten exactly what they wanted for most of their lives, think it's their god-given right to attend the Ivy League of their choice. Even at 18, I thik you need to OWN your life, shortcomings, imperfections, and all.

    by minnmom on Fri May 25, 2007 at 12:16:40 PM PDT

    • I agree (0 / 0)

      For me, it certainly would have been easier to tell the truth than live a lie. For most people, actually. So what was she so afraid of? Why was she so desperate?

      I couldn't help buy think of possible cultural factors when I read this story. Asians have the "model minority" burden, they are expected to be ideal students and high achievers. When I read this story, it brought another recent story to mind.

      According to the Department of Health and Human Services, Asian-American women ages 15-24 have the highest suicide rate of women in any race or ethnic group in that age group. Suicide is the second-leading cause of death for Asian-American women in that age range.

      An Asian professor here at Cal State Fullerton has been studying depression in Asian American women since her own sister committed suicide in college. Cultural pressure has a lot to do with it:

      Family pressure often affects girls more than boys, according to Dr. Dung Ngo, a psychologist at Baylor University in Texas. "When I go talk to high school students and ask them if they experience pressure, the majority who raised their hands were the girls," he said.

      Asian-American parents, he says, are stricter with girls than with boys. "The cultural expectations are that Asian women don't have that kind of freedom to hang out, to go out with friends, to do the kinds of things most teenagers growing up want to do."

      And in Asian cultures, he added, you don't question parents. "The line of communication in Asian culture one way. It's communicated from the parents downward," he says. "If you can't express your anger, it turns to helplessness. It turns inward into depression for girls. For boys it's more likely to turn outwards into rebellious behavior and behavioral problems like drinking and fighting."

      I just think of she were driven to such extreme action, there has to be more to it...

      by Erika on Fri May 25, 2007 at 12:27:47 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • i watch with concern... (0 / 0)

        i see so much pressure with some asian parents and their children at my dd's high school.  it is of course not limited to just asian community.  however, there is little doubt that the culture promotes high expectations and has influenced our system of education overall. my dd reports it isn't good enough to get straight A's, the expectation is to be the very very best.  An A- is cause for grounding. a 98% on a test is not good enough..only a 100%.

        i have an architect friend who is Chinese and have discussed this with him.  he grew up with incredible pressure from his parents.  his stories of growing up with this demand for perfection made my blood run cold.

        while i agree that 18 year old's should be held responsible.  i can't help but think this girl is dealing with incredible shame.  i'd be looking to her parents for some explanations.  

        we seem to have this see saw of parenting extremes both demanding perfection.  one through hard work and extreme demands and the other through making life as easy as possible and demanding proper treatment from schools and any other authority figures for their babies.

        we are really out of whack. like with so much  else in this country,could we get back to the middle and some equilibrium ...please?

        by parentalunit1 on Fri May 25, 2007 at 12:56:12 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • I had a really talented lab partner (0 / 0)

        in grad school who was Asian American.  She didn't want to be there.  Her parents told her, "MD, JD, or PhD -- you have lots of choices!"  She entered a terminal PhD program, knowing she would bail with the MA which was frowned upon, and then she got a job as a receptionist at Cingular or something.  She wanted to play and party and that's what she did, once she satisfied at least part of her parents' demands.  

        It was so puzzling for me to look at this incredible woman and try to understand why her life, even in her early 20s, was not her own.

        There were also a couple of undergrads in the lab who were fooling around with white boys before they settled into their arranged marriages with parent-selected Pakistani men.  Definitely a cross-cultural crash course for me.

        by mamacita on Sat May 26, 2007 at 09:33:23 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    • how awful! (0 / 0)

      I can't imagine pretending to go to work everyday. Or finding out that my husband (or father) was doing the same.

      by Stacey on Fri May 25, 2007 at 07:30:46 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Amazing story (0 / 0)

    My college roommate does work for admissions ... and she and I and our husbands agree that we could not have gotten into one of today's classes. Good grief. Even a perfect SAT is no guarantee.

    I have firmly fixed in my mind the idea that my daughter will go to a nice affordable school (but away from home) and that I would be thrilled if she became a master plumber. The ivy league rat race does not sound appealing any longer.

    by shenanigans on Fri May 25, 2007 at 01:18:33 PM PDT

    • We have not dealt with it at all. (0 / 0)

      Thankfully, we have pretty decent state universities in which almost all can be accepted.  Oftentimes, a student might have to burn off a year or so taking general coursework while waiting to get into a specific popular degree program, but it doesn't sound like a big deal in comparison.

      by tjb22 on Fri May 25, 2007 at 01:30:30 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • I'm with you (0 / 0)

      Granted my son is in preschool, but my feeling about his college future is that I hope he grows up to be a happy kid, does his best within reason in school, and then gets into whatever college seems like a good fit for him. Instead of worrying about the prestige of the school, I'd rather we all stay focused on who he is and which school will provide him with a good education.

      I have a good friend who went to Stanford because she aspired to the prestige and was miserable there. Now she wishes she had left and gone to school that was a better fit for her.

      by Stacey on Fri May 25, 2007 at 07:39:18 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • this is our plan, too (0 / 0)

        Our son is older, so college feels much closer for us.  

        I feel much less worried about his college choice than high school, because at least for college there's room for everyone once you get below the top 50 schools or so.  I don't see DS having the drive to get into one of the "name" schools.  We've talked about how there are lots of "right" schools and he will have many to choose from when the time comes, and how the "fit" is the main thing.  

        by mamacita on Sat May 26, 2007 at 09:54:21 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • Well (0 / 0)

    having done a very similar thing, I understand the trapped feeling all too well.  Once you've started the secrets and lies, they isolate you.  

    But at least what this girl did hasn't caused truly great harm.  I hope they can resolve their security issues without major legal punishment for her.  She needs mental health treatment.

    by lonespark on Fri May 25, 2007 at 02:58:03 PM PDT

  • pressure/admissions today vs. past decades (0 / 0)

    It seems like schools are not increasing class size much, while families with more means and smaller numbers of kids expect the better schools will come with good grades and decent SATs. I know my husband, who went to Brown(class of 83;Ph.D.94)would really like his son to be accepted there, but getting into Brown is wildly difficult now. I hate to have to worry while my son is in elementary school that we have to make all sorts of "correct decisions" now to prepare him.

    We are around a lot of Asian families, and know well the pressure. I know one young woman who was so stressed she started hearing voices in high school, and had to be hospitalized. She is fine now,but really had a struggle. Still, the woman in the story made a very bad choice - I read more of the story and how it scared the other students to find how easily a fake could gain access to living in a dorm. Imagine some creep with bad intent pulling the same scam - with horrible results.

    by chun yang on Fri May 25, 2007 at 03:54:13 PM PDT

  • As a side note: i had an interesting conversation (0 / 0)

    with the director of admissions for the school DD will be attending in the fall (Kindergarten). She is also the school's college admissions counselor.  (This is a very small private school total 430 students K-12)  She says that this years and next years graduating classes will experience the greatest pressure due to very large class sizes, many of whom expect to go to college.  Apparently these two years are the last of the boomers kids and that the class sizes are considerably smaller in the years behind them.  She is very hopeful that within a few years there will be a little relief for prospective college students.

    One of the things that I love about this school is that  while this school has 100% college admissions rate, they really encourage kids to explore a whole range of schools and see what is the best fit.  See the list of where the 2007 graduates were accepted and where they chose to attend....interesting to see Harvard, Yale, Princeton, etc all being turned down by these students.  I wish more schools would do that.  Having done my graduate work at Columbia, I can honestly say that I was unimpressed by the education I received.  I had a better experience as a undergrad at a state school.  

    Anne W
    Gifts By Delivery

    by Anne W on Fri May 25, 2007 at 09:42:08 PM PDT

  • front page of Saturday's L.A. Times (0 / 0)

    There's a long story about this situation, describing how she managed to bunk with some nice girls, get into the cafeteria, use the university computers.... She is universally described as being nice, kind, hard-working and not competitive.  Her family's pastor described being stunned by the news, as her parents were not overly pushy.  One of her high school classmates, who just finished his freshman year at Harvard, described her as "brilliant" and said they worked on a video project together, sort of implying she did the lion's share of the work and expressing surprise that she wasn't in the Ivy League.

    At some high schools -- the ones list everyone's class rank and what colleges they've gotten into and what their SATs are -- I think students can develop unhealthy fixations despite their parents.  I get the feeling from reading the story that it was an internal pressure, rather than one imposed by her parents.  

    At least I hope so.  I would really like to think that she can go home and recover in an accepting environment.

    by mamacita on Sat May 26, 2007 at 09:47:05 AM PDT

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