I'm rather a Deist because of this.  If we believe in a "just" God or one who is "merciful" or "fair" that is intervening every day, then how can we reconcile this?  Therefore, I don't believe in an intervening God.  For whatever reason, we are here and I happen to believe that part of the purpose is to deal with whatever random luck or misfortune visits upon us.

If there are reasons for half the stuff people - individuals and groups - go through, then those reasons suck.

RachelD

I'm always shocked at the number of people who really believe that really bad things happen for a reason.  

I guess it is part of some people's faith and I don't mean to insult anyone for whom that applies.  

But I've also  met people who don't belong to any particular faith and believe in some sort of fate concept.

I'm all about things happpening because of randomness, bad luck (or good luck), the actions of humans and the action of nature.  I find comfort in that.

I believe we can learn from bad things and create some good out of them.  But I can also wish at the same time the thing never happened, I don't have to accept all bad things as part of some plan.

Instead of "things happen for a reason" I guess I choose to look at like this: there is something to learn from everything we go through - positive or negative. Sometimes it takes a while to see what it is, but I think we always learn something about ourselves or the people around us or the world in general.

however, i do think that if you follow your gut instincts things usually work out.  so while not neccesarily "spiritual"  i am a beliver in "gut".  

this brings to mind 2 things:

1.  i have had 2 houses which i really wanted and didn't get only to have them come back my way 6 months later at a much better deal. one was a great thing, lived in home happily for 10 years.  the other...not good, left my ex 5 months after living in it.

2.  the other is admitting that you've made a bad decision and not pretending otherwise.  my dh and i have had this convo on our current abode.  at first we had all kinds of excuses as to how it was really working out.  finally i just said, oh..let's stop bullshitting each other...it was a bad decision. so now we know, when one of us has a bad gut feel,we shouldn't proceed.  we feel much better now and it's ok.

poor wording and shorthand, in some cases, for what others are saying here (i.e. NJmom, michgs).

Fatalism offered this way can be offensive to people like me, who take comfort in a random universe, but it really is meant to comfort.

people looking for a way to say something nice or reassuring, but don't know what else to say. I know I used to be guilty of saying that, until I realized it's a pretty empty phrase and in some cases, really annoying. Now I just try and empathize or say, you made the best decision under the circumstances.

I am, however, a big believer in gut/instinct.

Personally, I think given the state of the US housing market, you and your husband made a very smart move. I'm not sure about the market in Queens, but given that the market isn't hot at the moment, I believe that waiting and searching may result in you finding an unexpected bargain. The worst is the feeling that you've overpaid, particularly for something as hefty as real estate!

Also, if you believe what certain economists are saying, renting an apartment and investing the money you would've used for a mortgage may yield better financial results over the long term. Mortage interest rates are what, 8% (no idea) - so you're paying out 8% of your principal, compounding. The US stock market returned what, 10% last year, compounding. Do the maths over five years, subtract out the rent you pay, and voila - what result nets you the better financial poistion?!

I realize that this is perilously close to things happen for a reason but I choose to look at it as your house is still out there and you just haven't found it yet.

The house we are currently in was a complete miracle.  We gave a lowball offer.  It took months for the seller to make a decision and then my husband was unemployed when they accepted our offer.  We still found a way to live here (with lots of help from our folks) and the minute we moved in, even before we were all the way unpacked it felt so right and natural that this was our home all aong. So if it's meant to be it will happen.

I also don't believe that God never gives you more than you can handle or that when He closes a door, He opens a window.  

I'm sorry that the house thing didn't work out this time.  I think you're wise to look carefully at the true costs of buying a house - not just the monthly stuff but repairs and possible unknowns before taking the leap.   With your location and the market there it may be the wisest thing to stay put.   Of course, if you're looking to move Upstate there's a house on my street for sale and it's awesome...just saying...

I don't believe that things happen for a reason, especially the most tragic of things. However, I absolutely believe that we often want things/situations/outcomes that, ultimately, we are better off without.

Achieving a particular outcome and finding true happiness are not always in lock step, even though it may feel like it at the time.  Three years ago DH and I found a house we really wanted, but it fell through. It was extremely disappointing. Now we look back on it, and are very thankful we ended up where we are instead.

I don't think it was anything more than coincidence.  Yet, it does remind me that there are many paths to happiness, and we only anticipate or intend a minuscule portion of them.

once as a favor, even though I wasn't allowed cats in my apartment. She stretched 3 days into a month, at which point I was evicted for having the cats. I wasn't ballsy enough just to let them out of the door, I suppose.

I was pretty angry. Her response when I told her about the eviction? "Things happen for a reason."

Ha. No. Sometimes things happen because other people suck.

because a series of events has led up to the  happening.  This series may be simple to determine or endlessly complicated--evolution is a good example. I do not believe in random events. I do not believe there is some guiding spiritual entity. I am an athiest.

Our house, which was 80% restored, recently had a major house fire. We have been forced to move out for a year and repeat much of the work we had previously done at a cost of hundreds-of-thousands of dollars. This did happen for a reason....the idiots we hired to strip some paint set the house on fire with a heat gun.  They were working carelessly to get the job done too quickly so they could make a larger profit than the tidy some they were already making.

I have been thinking since this happening about a similar phenomenon.  Many people, whom we only peripherally know, have been writing notes to us with phrases similar to "may God bless you in your time of need", "God is with you", etc.  Is this right to send this type of message, which I think is spiritually lazy, to people you don't know very well?  It seems to me believers think that everyone shares their beliefs. I want to write back "may the light of science and reason wipe away the cobwebs of superstition" (of course I don't, but I can dream can't I).  (Also, wouldn't it be more appropriate to write,"Looks like God really socked it to you this time.")

On a happier note this is the first post I have been able to make since anonymous posts were disallowed. I have had bad problems logging-in which have been solved.  Are people still posting introductions of themselves? Should I?

Barbara C

i don't like looking at things as fated. though i do think that we may not understand why we should be glad of things that seem negative until the long run and hindsight.

that said, i do not think your decision was "negative" at all. negative would have been getting in over your head. seems like you guys have a very positive process.

I tend to believe in some sort of order in the universe, but I have no idea why.  As for things happening for a reason, perhaps it's more likely that we create our own meaning after the fact.

But I think it's more along the lines of what many are saying with respect to "listening to your gut."  DH was downsized three years ago, and we were in a panic.  When he got two different job offers, we went with our gut and chose option 1, and things just fell into place.  Many strange coincidences occurred along the way that made the decision feel right to us.

Am I saying "a greater power is totally in control?"  No way.  But I do believe that, often, when our gut is telling us to steer away from a particular situation, we should listen well.  And when things feel right, there is a reason:  it's the right choice for you.

Good luck house hunting.

Like most others above, I don't believe that things happen for a reason.  Actually, I find this a pretty offensive concept - did the 2 year old son of my former co-worker get leukemia and die for a reason?  Just as one example.  No, sometimes things just happen.

"When the student is ready, the teacher will appear", or " the lesson will be given", or some such variant.

I've always thought, "No, that 'lesson' or 'teacher' is cropping up all the time, and until that one time you happen 'learn' something from it, you don't even notice it!"

We are hard-wired to try to make sense of things, no matter how nonsensical.  We cannot help but to construct story-lines for our lives, and to pigeonhole people, and to do other "forcing random elements into a pattern" activities. It's in our DNA. . .

and many things work out much better in the end than we realize at the time.  Or much worse.  And...just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not a miracle.

I don't really think people ought to be liberally dispensing their worldviews to others like that.  It strikes my little New England soul as rude.