I think it cuts both ways.  I tend to be more concerned about the other end of the spectrum.  Right now I am worried about a couple of children of friends who (partly due to various personal crises, partly due to differing parenting approach) are not really on the ball right now as far as parenting is concerned.  Neglect would be too harsh a word to use, but there is definitely less oversight than I feel comfortable with.  I'm debating whether and/or how much to try to intervene.

after a few children.  I've said before that when it started becoming clear that my older kids were turning out OK and didn't seem likely to become ax-murderers, everything became easier.  I had done OK...didn't have anything to prove any longer.

I can be a controlling person by nature.  So, when I had my first children, I had to make a very conscious decision to try to limit these tendencies.  Not easy at first...honestly, I was astonished the first time one of my kids came up with an independent thought!  Anyway, to put myself in the proper frame of mind, very early on, I repeated to myself, over and over again, that our job as parents is to raise children who will be able to take care of themselves as adults.  Flowing from that thought, we can't expect them to become independent overnight...it is a process.  

Anyway, I think there is a difference between controlling and overly anxious.  Never have been an "anxious" person..."anxious" people don't tend to have seven kids.  Maybe the key is to try to understand where your instincts are coming from and address it from that angle.  People behave the way they do for many, many different reasons.

And oddly enough, my younger children have not been nearly as accident prone as my older kids were...and everytime my older kids managed to get hurt, they did so with  me (or a school teacher) looking directly on.

"In fact, facilitating children's ability to function independently, to figure things out, and to grow into themselves without excessive interference is in itself an essential task of parenting."

that says it!  safety?  first and foremost parental responsibility and it doesn't conflict with above.  as examples:

1. physical safety. teach that so they can be independent. gotta teach it not cocoon them.

2. teaching them safety around harmful media that will challenge their ability to become self assured and confident adults.  tv, music and internet. limit, discuss, coach and teach.

3. education around drugs, alcohol and safe sex.  can't be independent if you abuse them.

the list goes on.  but as i say, that sentence above really sums it up, imho. and you can do that with child number #1 as well as child #4.  

stressing over the spoon? well, putting the spoon in front of the baby is probably the extent to which i'd go.  the rest is likely attritbuted to competitiveness, which is unfortunate.

When I saw the title, I thought it was going to be chastising people like me.  I used to work in a career where I need to think about complex stuff a lot, and I approach parenting the same way.  Before making any sort of big decision (when to potty train, what kind of first shoes to buy, etc.) I totally obsess over it and do lots of reading and get a lot of different opinions.  I've read dozens of parenting books trying to find the "style" that is right for me.  I realize this is unnecessarily obsessive and at one point tried to stop it, but then found that I'm happier if my "job" requires this kind of thinking so now I just flow with it.

But that's not what this author meant by overparenting, and I feel better after reading her article.  When my first was born I joked that the second would be totally neglected because we were so relaxed about stuff with the first.  He grew up eating food off the floor in a non-sterilized house, climbed to the top of the jungle gym as soon as he was able, and at 2.5 spends a good deal of the day playing independently.  We passed on all those music and gymanstics classes that were supposed to enrich his existence as a baby and let him control how he spends much of his playtime.  We've never had any major illnesses or injuries, and he's been developing perfectly.

I wonder if all those who overparent are like me in that they need something to occupy their minds so that their job feels more challenging and interesting to them.  If you're used to completing major projects and working towards specific goals, I can see why you'd be tempted to spend a week working on using a spoon.  (We simply handed our son a spoon and used them in front of him, and he picked it up with no trouble.)

I also wonder if whether you overparent or not really makes a difference in the long run.  Obviously kids will learn to use spoons regardless of whether you teach them, but is the teaching really stressing kids out or harmless?  Anyone with older kids have thoughts on this?

I got into a convo yesterday with a dad who asked about my son.  I told him he was camping in Mexico with half of his classmates, a teacher, and some parents, and the guy totally blanched.  "But, Mexico is so dangerous!"  I confessed that I was nervous on the kids' first night out, because I didn't know where they would be camping.  Since then, I have not been particularly worried (especially since getting access to some beautiful photos from paida, so I could visualize exactly where they were for their first few days; and getting email updates that they're safe and having a blast).  This guy was looking at me like I was completely crazy.  He was trying to be nice -- "I'm sure they're having a good time!" -- but he also said, "I would NEVER let my son do that."

I don't know his son very well, but he seems like a great, well-adjusted kid.  I don't think he's doing it "wrong," or we're doing it "right."  I do sometimes worry that my son's childhood is much more sheltered than mine, and that he will need experiences to help him test the waters, make a few mistakes, and think for himself.  Part of that is how we live (driving everywhere, mostly), and part of it is how different we are as people; he's pretty cautious and I was more curious about risks.  

Damn - I'm actually doing something right!

My dh gets on me for not being careful enough sometimes, but our oldest broke his wrist when I was at a meeting (under daddy's watch) - and our youngest could probably manage to injure himself even if he were in a bubble.

DH and I have generally let our two boys cue us on when they are ready for this or that. Both of them, 3 and 6, are still in pull ups at night. But the older one sleeps like the freakin' dead. We've tried to wake him up but it just isn't happening. I'm actually thinking they'll get out of nighttime pull ups about the same time. C'est la vie. Everyone's different.

And the happy medium is not a medium, but the tone set by your child.

Because, I get a lot of comments - honest to god - about how well behaved and sweet my boys are. A lot. I think it's because we have always respected their opinion and let them in on the choices when possible.

And we limit ourselves to one activity at a time (ie sports, art classes, whatever).

http://www.michaelungar.ca/

Too Safe for Their Own Good - it talks about how we're not letting our kids learn for themselves.  

I'm a total slacker mom - although even I do too much for my kids because I'm a sahm.  I think they'd be better off if I wasn't around to make their lunches and wash all their clothes.  It's good for kids to figure stuff out for themselves and we don't help them when we help too much.  

I kind of think she may be taking a jab at the competitive parenting we see out there.

On using spoons, for whatever reason my 3 year old took a long time to get the hang of it.  He's fine now though.  My 17 month old had it down before he turned one.  Same gene pool.  They all do things on their own time.

I wonder if there's an unconscious feeling of needing to hover over a child if you know he's going to be your only one. If you lose him to an accident, you will be childless. If you have more than one child, the loss of a child would be just as horrible, but you would have to pull yourself together and soldier on for your other kids.

Sorry about injecting such a maudlin scenerio into this discussion. I just wanted to suggest that this factor may play in to some situations where a mother is overly anal about her child's safety.

who make me feel positively derelict in my parental duties.  I refuse to:

1. Mediate every little tug of war over a toy

2. Model each and every response for my child before he can open his mouth

3. Intervene when said child walks up the slide instead of sliding down it

4. Intervene when my child takes a toy car inside a tent at the library instead of playing on the mat printed with a map of Busytown

5. Cover my child in stinking sunscreen every time he leaves the house

6. Drill him in spelling at age two

7. Let him slop lumpy paint all over nice cotton pillowcases and give them as Christmas gifts

8. Mind 7 children playing within a fenced in playground by literally running around and silencing the least note of discord.

And so on.  You should have seen the look I got when I said I'd get excited at a playground if and only if I saw blood.

I do not enjoy playgroups because helicopter parents are uptight and boring.  Having a conversation with one is kind of like the setup in Vonnegut's Harrison Bergeron, in which people with above-average IQs have to wear headsets that disrupt unusually effective thought with random blasts of loud noise.  One is lucky to have a real conversation at all.