a parent.  

My son had an incident where this happened.  He was at an overnight, the mom was out of town, but the dad was home.  We knew the family well and had no reason to believe anything would happen out of the ordinary.  The boys, like your son, were only 13 also, maybe even 12.  

In the morning when I picked up my son he shared that 2 or 3 of the boys (I think there were only 4 or 5 total) snuck out to T.P. another's home.   They had ridden their bikes in the pitch dark to this other home.   My son told the boys he did not want to go and to leave him alone -- to this day, I'm not sure exactly how he made this decision -- he was and is a typical kid and has the spectrum for good and bad choices just like the rest of kids.  For whatever reason on this night he went with some inner wisdom that told him not to do this.

The host Dad had no idea that this had even happened if I rememer correctly, but when the Mom got home, things unraveled and all hell broke loose.  The TP-ing wasn't viewed as "in fun" it was definitely meant to be mean spirited.

The parents of the home that was TP'ed were furious and ultimately it ruined the relationship between those two families, but I think that says more about how the fallout was handled.  It certainly could have been an opportunity for growth, but it tanked into something ugly.

What I've learned for my own dealing with other parents, is to try very hard to remain non-judgemental, but rather to hope that everyone can learn something valuable from the disappointment that comes when others do something that is against your values and also happen to include your children.  If it's possible with these adults to have a conversation that is not heated but concilliatory than lots of good can come of it.  Many adults are challenged at behaving as we would hope adults would in these types of circumstances though.  Which of course is another disappointment.  SIGH.

There are other threads about this same type of situation except as kids get older, it centers on alcohol, drugs, driving and sex.  It doesn't get easier, that's for sure.  Half the battle is being really CLEAR on where you stand and being able to stand and not crumble.

Good luck --- you are not alone...that's for certain.  

let us know how the rest of the story unfolds...

That is one of the most pathetic things I have ever heard - adults participating in a TP job. With their junior high sons. Wow.

I would hope that if that ever happened to me, I would be able to be diplomatic when I asked why they (the parents) decided to do that. I would just be really curious what they were thinking, how they could justify it (I can already hear the "it's just a joke" explanation).

But I would never socialize with them again, I am pretty sure of that, because I would have lost respect for their judgement and their basic maturity, I mean totally. I know that sounds judgemental, and it is, but oh my lord, TPing with their junior high sons????

Craziness.

RachelD

just weird. On a tangent, I think you and your husband must be doing a great job if your son has the confidence in you to come and confess to something like that. That's my goal in parenting - not to be BFF with my children, but to have such a relationship that they'll come to DH and I with things like this.

I can't believe the adults participated.  That is so weird.  Can you imagine getting caught TPing someone's house now?  Did the mom participate too, or just the dad?

when I was in middle school (6,7,8th grade) I had a friend whose parents were lame like that. Now, at the time I didn't think it was lame. I thought it was incredibly fun to be running around a relatively posh neighborhood in the cool dark with a Hefty bag full of toilet paper, being 'bad'! (I was a pretty serious goody-two-shoes as a kid, so this chance to break out was huge for me  - also, her older brother was HOT, and he and his friends would go with us sometimes). The parents knew that's what the sleepovers devolved to - they never drove us or participated, but I'd heard of that happening. These were people who went to their friends' houses on their 40th birthdays, arranged leaves in the driveway in the shape of 40, and lit them on fire. I don't know for sure, but I think they were a frat boy and a sorority girl --in the lame sense--who never grew up. He thought it was cool to act like a kid around us, and let his kids hear him tell his wife the house 'looked like a douche-bag' if he didn't think it was clean enough. At least I had the sense to know HE was an ass.

As for picking on someone through paper products, yeah, that was a big deal, too. One kid got TPd almost every weekend, poor thing. I don't even know why he was a target - skinny, smart, something. I think I took part in it once.

Other times it was mostly teasing our friends. I outgrew that kind of fun in high school though. And my dad freaked out so much the one time I told him I'd done it that I just never told him again about our slumber-party fun, not even when it progressed to playing "quarters." So it's great that your son told you, but be careful with your reaction if you want those communications lines open.

the more I do not want my kids to get older!  Ugh, I am just not looking forward to dealing with issues like this.  It's so much easier when they are young.  

I guess if it were my child, I'd probably balk at him having a sleepover with that family again too.  When your child spends the night at another child's house, the parents are responsible for the care and well being of your child.  The parents have shown that they aren't very responsible IMO.

It's so hard for me to imagine parents involved in a mean spirited prank.  Also, I have a hard time imagine parents condoning the TP idea if there wasn't alcohol involved -- any idea if the parents were drinking during the party?

In talking to the parents I think you stress that you have known them to display good judgment and values so this came as a shock to you.  You can explain that you find the prank mean-spirited and destructive, in short not something you'd like another kid's parents help do to your house!  Then maybe give them a chance to share their side of the story - whatever that means.

As karen m says, most kids have the ability to make choices that fall along a spectrum of bad to good.  It sounds like you're handling this well with your son, regardless of how you ultimately decide to address it with the parents.

One of my friend's mom had a TP war with one of her friends (who also had kids) that lasted 20-odd years (and could still be going on, for all I know). Once a year, one of the families would go over the other family's house at night and TP the hell out of it. Then, a few months later, the other family would return the favor. It was, honestly, all in good fun, though I can't see the fun in making such a mess and wasting all that paper.

So there may be more to the TP story than you know about right now.

I wouldn't hold your son responsible this time. You can tell him what you think about these activities, and he will take his moral cues from you. I also might want to call the parents and see what the story was, and then you'll have a better idea what kinds of people the TP family is.

Despite anyone's intentions, good or bad, it's an appalling waste of toilet paper.  Can you see the immigrant upbringing coming out in me?  When I was a kid, one of my great-grandmothers still had an outhouse (she had a bathroom in the house) with a Sears catalog!

I've heard of adults doing things like, for someone's 40th birthday, putting 40 plastic pink flamingoes in the yard, or renting one of those electric signs to put in front of the house.  But adults TPing seems really juvenile, even if they hadn't taken the kids.  And not real creative. But the only thing you can do here is try to invoke the Golden Rule: how would you feel if it happened to you?

one of the hardest parts of this story mamacita. i find it easier to talk to my dd about our values and lessons learned.  but finding the way to approach parents...it is really hard.  i suppose one approach would be simply to ask what transpired and than take from there.  i'd be on the watch out for this parent group for parties as my teen got older.

The church I grew up in had a "Girls' Camp" once a year.  Since it was all girls 12-18 and female counselors, everybody let their hair down.  Usually it was the older girls in each group instigating the TPing and we had to avoid our counselor, but one year we were separated  by age and our counselor not only  encouraged us but led us in TPing.  At first she had us TP the bathrooms, saran wrap toothpaste and all, because she knew we were scheduled to clean them in the morning, but we didn't.  But our focus was soon on the gong.  There was a big, Bright yellow, 4' diameter metal gong that was used that year to signal meals, and other activities.  It was less than 10' from our campsite, and it had become    the cool thing to ring the gong and run away all night, and we couldn't sleep through it.  First, we sprayed a happy face on it with colored hairspray.  On the next night we actually took it down and carried it up to the oldest girls' camp and hid it there.  

OK, so technically it wasn't TP, it was tortillas, but stay with me...

I grew up in a very blue-collar town that's about 90% Latino. We happened to have a tortilla factory in the city.

It was 8th grade and I was invited to a slumber party in honor of my friend's 13th birthday. Her parents drove us to the tortilla factory after dark (we were in the back of a pick-up truck no less!) and we snagged the day-old, still-packaged tortillas from the dumpster in back.

Then we headed to my friend's "boyfriend's" house and whipped tortillas at his front lawn like frisbees. When we were done, the lawn, driveway and cars were COVERED in corny goodness. It was a stupid, fun, cheap thrill. We hit a couple more houses of people we knew, but it wasn't done out of malice. We thought it was funny and fessed up at school on Monday.

I am also remembering that my friend's mom let us have a few sips of wine coolers. I don't see myself giving my kid's friends wine coolers and driving them around to TP someone's house, but at the time, I sure did think her parents were cool.