So sorry, Lisa!  Just sending you a hug.

Yes, the fear of dying, which was always strong with me, now hovers in the corner constantly since becoming a mom.  Now I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of leaving my children and how sad they would be forever.  

But what can we do except take care of ourselves, push the fear as far into the corner as we can, and love our children and partners with as much passion as we can every day?  It's our only option, isn't it?

right. No wonder you feel the way you do.   I've just come from being with my 37 year old daughter in law who has undergone major surgery to extract a cancerous tumor in her jaw.

Being in her life  taught me an enormous amount  while witnessing and supporting her journey.  One element she used to help fight her disease and begin to regain good health has been her learning how to cope & manage fear.  There is a large body of evidence suggesting that the use of meditation/visualization and training our minds to control our thoughts is very real with regard to changing our perception around the emotions involved in feeling and expressing our fears.

I have just watched my DIL use these techniques as she has undergone head and neck surgery, resection of a cancerous tumor, extracting a bone from her leg to reconstruct her jaw.  Let me tell you the time and energy has been worth it as she has overcome  much fear.  The tools she learned have allowed her to have so many victories in her journey with cancer.

As for you and your daughter, maybe using techniques such as those might help.  In my experience as a mom, i have seen art used (drawing, fingerpainting, clay modeling, etc.) to express emotions and fears too, especially with young children.

Journaling can be really helpful too, just to unload thoughts that are in your mind --- putting them on paper sometimes can take the power out of them and also give them shape for you to process and understand better....

I wish you well, and hope you find comfort in the days ahead.  I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.  Warm and well wishes to you

That is so sad, and so unsettling.

Her poor daughter.

So sad, Lisa. So sad for you all, particularly your friend's children.

I agree with Karen (again!) about her suggestions. My grandfather died when I was 5, and apparently, I had difficulty expressing my grief until my mother suggested that I write letters "to" my grandfather - I dictated and she wrote them down. She actually collected the letters and kept them; there are about 10 in all over a time period of a few months. If your daughter doesn't feel comfortable with that, I'd definitely suggest painting, drawing or the like. I would also say you need an outlet like that as well to help you process your fears and grief. Do you keep a journal? Can you do something like a scrapbook of memories of your friend? Sometimes, the process of expressing grief can help resolve a lot of the emotions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and sorry for the children. I lost my dad when I was 11 and had just started 5th grade. I don't really have any good tips for you with helping your kids cope, but will say this: validate anything they say.

With hindsight, I know my mother was also freaked with grief, but when I had rationalized my dad's death and was dealing with it, I mentioned it to her (the idea that god had a different plan for my dad and so had taken him.) She scolded me, admonished me to never say such a thing, and it greatly affected me.

Other than my older siblings, I don't recall another adult being around and saying to me "talk if you want." Not to say they weren't there, but I don't remember that, and don't remember talking. So maybe that's another suggestion, both to your kids and the daughter - let her know you are there to listen if she needs it.

Best wishes to your family-
Melissa

For your kind words and suggestions. One of the moms at our school is going to bring a journal that all the parents can write in, with memories of my friend, which will be saved for her daughter, or given to her right away, whichever seems best.

I appreciate the suggestion for my daughter to journal. I think that is probably the way she will feel most comfortable expressing her feelings. I had not thought of that, but she does write in a journal [about what, I don't know] and this will probably work well for her.

I am a "talk it out" kind of gal so I am getting together with other friends who have kids around the same age, and who knew Lauren, and we'll talk about our fears. But, I like the idea of meditation and I will try that as well.

There's been a lot going on at our little [less than 500 students] K-5 school lately -- 2 moms just diagnosed with breast cancer, and a 5th grader with a tumor [biopsy today -- no word yet]. I think I was already worried and on edge before this.

thanks so much to all of you~
Lisa

I don't have any suggestions regarding your daughter, but I hope that realizes that she can come to you with her fears.

What a loss, I am very sorry to hear what you're going through. Getting together with friends who knew your friend is a great idea.

There is an excellent book by William Worden about children's grief. Title is something like, When a Parent Dies. It's written for adults, but has a lot of personal stories from kids who have lost a parent. It's best as a resource for the adults -esp the remaining parent - on how best to support the kids in grief. And it may give you good ideas on how to support your daughter, too.

RachelD

My sympathies to you, Lisa.  It's so hard to lose friends suddenly.  I lost a close friend in a car accident almost seven years ago, and I still catch myself thinking sometimes, "I need to call her."

Be good to yourself.  Think of something you'd like to do to honor your friend, and invite your daughter along. She may not actively participate, but seeing you dealing with your friend's life & death may help her figure out her own way to grieve.

Just lots of sympathy and hugs. What a tragic thing to happen. I am sorry for the loss of your friend.

...are in my thoughts and prayers.

And I wanted to share with you that families at our school went by all throughout the day today and tied red mylar heart balloons on the trees in this family's front yard. It was lovely to see this afternoon, and folks were still bringing balloons. I think it helped our kids to see this outpouring of love.

thanks to all of you for your kind words, wishes and prayers.

I am sure you are also in shock.  My husband and I often talk about how differently we see our own mortality now that we have kids- we always come to the conclusion that we simply can not die.

I highly recommend the book, "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and how to Listen so Kids will Talk"  It really helps learning ways that you can get your kids to let you know what is going on with them.  It is the kind of book where you can just read one chapter and have 3 or 4 great concrete things to do, you use them and see them work right away.  A friend bought it for me when my daughter was quite young and I go back to it often.

I haven't had a heart attack, but I carry around a couple of scary diagnoses.  My kids have gone back and forth with their reactions to this.  What I have found most effective is to honestly tell them that there is not a person on this earth who has any assurance of being here tomorrow.  Because of health factors, my odds might not sound as good as the next persons, but this must be kept in perspective.  I've said this for a long time, but it really hit home a couple of years ago after I made this comment to one of my doctors...a few months later he was diagnosed with cancer and just recently he suffered a heart attack.  So, all this time that I've been seeing him the assumption is that I should be the one with the most concerns....however, within a couple of years his own odds changed dramatically...who would have "thunk", as they say?