My husband and I have had this conversation and he would agree with your husband.  My husband's father would also agree with your husband as my husband assures me that is the advice that he was given and it worked beautifully.

I don't think there is anything about your son that invites bullying, but maybe one good "knock it off" would take care of it.

I don't know if this is the 'correct' way of dealing with things, but I've never been a boy as my husband tells me, and apparently this is the way that boys sort things out.

My husband grew up with the gradeschool rule, "If someone hits you, hit them back, just enough to make them stop. Never hit first or you are in big trouble." But he's a bigger than average guy, always has been, so a defensive punch really felt like something.

I know that many think that kids should never never hit, but I think there really are some people who wont understand any other way.

Just watched, "Raising Cain" last night. In Japan, they let preschool kids work it out for themselves, even when there's punching. Interesting.

and I would think that really its all of the first 3 in stages.

I tell my kids the first time to tell them "no".  The second time to tell an adult.  And a third, fourth and fifth time.....

But at the end of the day, if the kid won't stop, the adults can't or won't make it stop, then I have no problem telling them to push back.  But only after all other avenues have been traveled first.

We have had a problem at our preschool in my DD's class.  The issues is a little girl who is Mean, with a capital M.  She has been known to push other little girls heads into the ground (DD's friend ended up with a bruise on her forehead), twist arms, and then there is the emotional abuse - "let's not play with her today - she's not our friend".  

The teachers have been informed and have been watching closely.  But on the playground, things happen still.  Its been reduced in the last month, but still she manages to be mean to someone at least once a week.

So we have had daily lessons in how to deal with a bully.  My DD hasn't been the focal point of all of her abuse, but she's been a tangential part.  And we have finally worked enough together to the point where the 3 little girls (only 5 girls in the class) have managed to cut off her mean behavior whenever it begins.  And without having to resort to hitting back.

This of course won't work in all situations.  And as much as I hated having to deal with this most of this year, I have to say that the lessons will be very good for later years in school.  DD has been able to confront her own fear of not being liked if she speaks out for something that she believes in.  And having to learn to stick up for herself in appropriate ways.(Mom is backing her up every step of the way)

My DS will be another story....all that male energy does make a difference somehow. :-)  I look forward to seeing others responses....i have a lot to learn.

True bullies "shop" for victims.  They try out their mean bag of tricks on potential victims and see how people react.  The kids who won't take it are passed up, and the kids who will take it are abused.  These dynamics are usually set up very, very quickly.  That doesn't mean they can't change.  But one of the people in the dynamic has to change in order for it to stop.  The bully probably doesn't have a lot of incentive to change, whereas the victim probably does.  

There are lots of ways to "not take it."  Some kids have an internal strength that is nonverbally communicated to the bully and that's that.  These kids are rarely, if ever, bullied.  Others need to externalize their strength a bit more to make it seen by others.  They may be unsure of their strength, and they may have to fake it a little.  This is where dads' advice comes in:  They've lived through more physical bullying than moms, who have usually been involved in emotional bullying with a different dynamic.  

So, although I don't condone violence, I think there is some practical wisdom to the idea of shoving back just enough.  Somehow each kid needs to make it clear to the bully that they won't take.

From experience, bullies are quite good at making sure adults don't catch them in the act, which makes it hard for adults to really intervene in an effective way.  Real change happens at the kid to kid level.  I do think it's helpful for the group dynamic going forward to let the adults in charge know what's going on, because once a victim makes it clear he's done with that role, the bully will find someone else to pick on.  

At the point, the former victim may become a henchman in order to feel protected from being revictimized, and to identify with the strong one and distance himself from the shame of having been a victim.  It's important to make it clear that helping the bully is not okay.  That takes some work.

As a teacher, I will admit that teachers don't see everything and they don't respond to all the complaints they get about other student misbehavior.  I have seen teacher's actually tell students not to be tattletales.

I would recommend that if your son is physically harassed, he respond with enough force to stop the bully.  

However, I would teach your son to document (a picture with names and maybe word bubbles would do it at this age) whenever someone is a bully towards him (either physically or verbally) and to give it to you at the end of the day.     You should be the one to hold on to this so he doesn't harbor a grudge and so you can show (but do not give the original) to his teacher at some point.  

Eventually there may come a time when he will be punished as much or more than the person he is responding to (I had a student verbally harassed by another student eventually hit the offender and then he was strangled bye the offender but both received the same suspension).  It would be helpful for him (at least with you if the school won't budge) to have as much documented as possible when there is an ongoing situation.

Well, I was raised with "If they touch you, stomp a hole in 'em."  I fought.  A lot.  I don't necessarily want my daughter to fight as much a I did, but I do want her to stand up for herself.  When she tells me that other kids have been mean to her, I tell her to shrug it off.  If they get physical, at this age, I'm telling her to tell the teacher and/or raise her voice and tell the kid to stop hurting her and walk away.  The only problem is our home situation.  My son is in his hitting/hair pulling stage and she's a wonderful target.  I watch her getting battered by the baby, she cries and then tells me.  My response is usually, "Don't be a tattletale and move the next time he hits you."  Conflicting, ain't it?  I'm thinking, "If I'm telling her this, what are her teachers telling her?"  So now, I'm almost to the "stomp a hole in 'em" stage.  Yet, I don't want that behaviour in the house either.  

I don't have any good advice, but I can tell that at age 7, my advice to my kid would be to get physical.  Much better advice is to have you son just walk away.  I tell my daughter to tell the mean kids, "I don't want to play with you becaue you're mean." or "I don't play with bad kids.", then walk away.  At your son's age, that will probably lead to more abuse, so walking away may be a better solution.  

When I posted my response to the survey and found that I wasn't as far from the group as I thought I'd be. I'm with your husband, because bullies seem to only respond to bullying, and asserting yourself without help from authority figures seems to squash the bullying.

But that's for boys. I am much more terrified of when my daughter is old enough for the mean girls scenario. I bought the book "Odd Girl Out" and I haven't read it yet, mostly because I'm worried about it bringing back really bad memories of when Jill Youngren somehow turned my entire group of friends against me without me knowing about it in 5th grade. One day I showed up to school, said hi to her and she told me she hated me and never wanted to talk to me again. I went to speak to our other 'friends' and all of them told me they were never speaking to me again. I was stunned, and never given a reason why. Or the time I showed up to my neighbor's house, a not-so-popular girl who I would invite out because I wanted to be a good friend to her, and found her having a birthday party she hadn't invited me to in 3rd grade. Wow, when I list it, it sounds like maybe I was a bad friend, but it wasn't like that at all- it was a strange, girl form of bullying and asserting power and it worked.  I never learned the politics of girl-relationships when I was in grade school but got better at it in high school. Girls are cruel as all hell.