She sounds like such a mature, loving, albeit devastated mom. The next few years will be the hardest for her. Her husband sounds like an incredibly selfish SOB.

In California, there is a standard formula for determining child support, and often the child support comes directly from the husband's payroll at his company. No waiting for checks, playing games with that, every month. A friend of mine went through this, and family court does not play around with child support.

If the child support payer moves to another state though, it gets tough, if not impossible to get child support if problems arise.

What a nightmare indeed. From reading the letter, it looks like they were married for 11 years before having kids. Damn.

RachelD

Awful.

First thing I would do is not worry about potty training a 2 year old. That can wait another year.

I'd move back to wherever my strongest support system of friends and family was.  And, of course, insist on child support from the father.

I would think only 3 years out of the corporate world wouldn't completely devastate her career.  Harder will just be the day-to-day management of life with three young children and no back up.

Oy, I wish her all the luck in the world!

First may I say I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation.  I have been in a similar situation myself.  Here are my pearls of advice.

On airplanes we are instructed to secure our own oxygen mask before assisting others.  The same applies here. You absolutely must make it a high priority to take care of your own mental and physical well-being.  This is not a selfish thing; it is critical to your children that you do.  A few suggestions that I've found helpful.

1. Give up all notions of what a good mother looks like.  Who cares if the house is a little messy or the laundry is piled up? You'll get to it when you have some extra energy.  Spend what energy you do have on taking care of the things that matter.

2. Don't allow sadness or guilt to stand in the way of structured parenting.  Enforce bedtimes. Institute an afternoon "alone time" for everyone.  I would have my children spend an hour in their rooms, doing whatever they wanted to.  It helps to know that you have a little time to do what YOU want to do. And it helps them become independent and self-nurturing and creative.  It is a positive thing for all.

3. Find some help.  If you don't have excess money, or babysitting connections, take the children to a mainstream church's Mom's Morning Out program.  They will get a little socialization, and you can get your hair done, or grocery shop, or take a nap...whatever you need to do.  Most churches offer these twice per week.

4. Join a babysitting co-op if you can find one you feel comfortable with.  Stay-at-home moms exchange babysitting services with each other.  No money involved.

5. Join a group that interests you.  A book club.  A hiking group.  Whatever will put you in touch with women you enjoy being around.  You need to keep your mental and emotional energy up. And you need to have an identity other than mommy-in-the-midst-of-divorce.

6. Do not play nice in the financial aspects of the divorce.  You gave up your career and had children because of a tacit agreement between you and your husband.  Lobby for your right to alimony and child support for several years, until you have time to recreate a workable employment situation.  Don't be limited by what you did in the past.  Find a way to use your skills in a work-from-home job...whatever you can until the children are in full-day school.

7. Get a good lawyer.  Financial settlement is a one-shot deal.  You may have to pony up the initial retainer fee, but try for reimbursement.

8. Open up your own checking account and credit cards.  Do not allow yourself to feel that all the money is his, and you are at his mercy.  No way.  Under the law you are entitled to half.  Transfer assets to yourself if possible.  Of course they will be subject to division later.

9. Learn as much as you can about your financial situation.  Don't rely on hubby to be honest.  Run a joint credit report while you still can.  See if he has accounts that you don't know about. Or if he's running up debts that you may be responsible for. Develop your inner Nancy Drew.

10. Work out, eat healthy foods, get lots of sleep.  Simplify and streamline as much as you can.  Cook two days per week.  Freeze entrees for use the other days. Read inspiring chick power books.  Eat, Love, Pray....Tales of a Female Nomad...something to remind you that you'll get through this and be happy that you didn't waste your life with a guy who would leave his wife and young children to scratch an itch.  

I would be happy to be e-pals.  

of some of the dark days when our daughter was way young and I was sleep-deprived, unshowered and losing my shit.

At those points, I remember thinking to myself, I don't care if my husband loves me, if he's sexually faithful, if he likes my jokes, etc.  He can go around and screw anything in shoe leather as long as he comes home with groceries, milk, diapers, whatever it is I need.

These thoughts really brought into focus what I had done by deciding to have a baby, become a parent. I had decided that my marriage was not the end-all, be-all, the only game in town.  If my husband had decided at those low points to be sexually unfaithful, I honestly wouldn't have cared.  I would have kept living with him, and let it happen, as long as he'd agreed to help out with our baby and home.

It's frightening how desperate and vulnerable you can get with motherhood.  But though my low points have since departed, my feelings about sexual fidelity have not.  Sexual fidelity, relational compatibility seem to matter less to me now.  What matters?   Can you give me a hand with this stopped-up toilet? Or make some noodles for our kid?   If he wants to daily around, fine, spend your time that way if you want!  He's not getting a divorce and he still has to stop and get a gallon of milk before he comes home.    

I mean, three kids under 4? That's enough to daunt most people. Then losing the partner and the trust and all the rest? Oof. No wonder she's feeling overwhelmed.

And what the heck is she gonna do about insurance? She's stuck. I'm sure she'll make it somehow, but it certainly sucks.

Good thing others here have good advice.

What a scummy guy.  Truly pond scummish...

I just don't understand why some people have such problems connecting with their children.  How could a dad leave three children under the age of 4?  They need you so much, for EVERYTHING.  How does that not tug on your heart?  How do you live with yourself after walking away?  Not fighting for the family?  I just don't GET IT.

I am a guy, and my sex drive is as high as anyone's, but I can not understand guys like this.

However interested I might be in another woman, I can't for the life of me imagine doing anything that would hurt my wife or our kids this much.  Every time I am even tempted to cheat, I just remind myself of the trust that my wife and kids have put in me, and that stops it right there.

I just don't get guys like this.

Reminds me of my niece.  Last year, she and her husband split up.  She is very reluctant to discuss details, but I have my suspicions.  There is NO HOPE of a reconciliation.  They have two young children...the youngest is only 3, the oldest in first grade.  She moved back and is staying with my father in law.    She's working, but at a lower paying office job.  I don't know that she's getting any real amount in support...he keeps telling her that her "settlement" will come when a property that he owns is sold.  

I am angry to no end...this man is an orthopedic surgeon, for crying out loud...my niece should not be worrying about not being able to afford a day care provider for his children.  Is it my imagination or do these type of men seem to pick women to marry that they know they can get the better of if they decide to leave the marriage?