A Really Good Question
Sun Dec 23, 2007 at 12:23:51 PM PDT
Recently we had friends come to visit for a long weekend. Our friends have been married for 3 years and do not have any children. They want kids and are starting to think about trying to conceive. While her DH was out of earshot my friend asked me candidly, "How does having a baby change your marriage?". It stopped me in my tracks. Ooh. Good question. Honestly, it was one that I had not given an ounce of thought to before DS was born. My answer to her: having a baby changes EVERYTHING!
For DH and I, we had no problems with the transition from couple to parents. We have open lines of communication, which I think is the key. So I shared that with my friend. I explained to her that I know people, both men and women, who have had some trouble with the transition and making the necessary changes in their lives. A good example is my friend Ann (not her real name). She felt so tied down for the first few months of her DD's life. She was the only one of her friends with a child and had to pass on girls night out regularly because DH was a busy grad student who was never home to help baby-sit. The isolation caused a lot of resentment and bickering in their relationship.
I also shared with her the suggestion to talk to DH about parenting roles and responsibilities before having a baby. For us that meant, I got up with DS at night (still do, sigh...) because DH gets up early for work. That's what worked for us. DH gave DS a few bottles, but because I breastfed, mealtime was Mommy time. Now that DS #2 is on the way, we've already started mapping out how things might need to change upon his arrival.
Recently, DH shared with me an article that he read in his OSU Alumni magazine about how strong marriages help couples deal with temperamental babies. I was sucked in the article, because it was pretty much what I told my friend - if you have a good strong marriage to begin with, you should be okay.
"When couples with a supportive marital relationship have a difficult baby, they tend to rise to the challenge," said Sarah Schoppe-Sullivan, co-author of the study and assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University.
"Couples who don't have a strong relationship with each other are more likely to undermine each other and get into conflicts when they have to deal with a particularly challenging baby."
And we all know moms who won't let their DHs do anything because they are afraid he'll screw it up. Or worse, they tell their mate that everything they do is wrong. The only thing that sort of behavior leads to, IMO, is fighting. This was another tid bit I shared with my friend. I told her let him try, do things in his own way, and don't judge. (Unless its dangerous, but her DH is a smart guy, so no worries about that). I wanted to add that for us, sleep took precedent over sex, but her DH had finished his shower and returned to the room. So I didn't want to get into that (thought that might scare him off).
So what do you think? How does having a baby change your marriage?
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