Mother Talkers

When Baby Never Comes

Sat Nov 03, 2007 at 08:22:33 AM PDT

The Contra Costa Times of California ran an article about women who choose or find themselves childless. The psychologists in the article say there is a period of sadness when a woman’s biological clock runs out and she does not grieve what could have been.

"Grief in its simplest form is unresolved emotion," says Bobby Rodriguez-Havens, executive director of the nonprofit Open Path, formerly Resolve. Open Path offers grief counseling to women who, as Rodriguez-Havens explains, lined their ducks up expecting a child to be automatic, and it didn't turn out that way.

"They question, 'Why haven't I met anyone? Should I have not gone for the MBA? Should I have married that guy in college?'" Rodriguez-Havens says. "When you don't deal with these emotions, you end up replaying the grief in your life in different ways."

What I liked about this story is the women mentioned in the article were strong, happy, and successful, not pathetic creatures waiting for Mr. Right and gorging on bonbons. They found an outlet for their nurturing instincts. One woman became a foster mother in her 40s and is about to adopt that child. Another woman chose to volunteer in a third grade classroom.

Lauren Edwards, of San Leandro, deals with her grief. A successful corporate writing coach, Edwards never wanted children, at least not in her 20s. So, at 22, she met and married a man who shared the sentiment. At 31, however, things began to change.

Edwards' biological clock went off, she says, and every lovely sunset made her yearn for the experience of sharing its beauty with a baby.

The phase ended, however. And six years ago, so did Edwards' marriage. Now, at 46, she says she has healed from the divorce, but the memories of pain and sadness are reminders of her decision.

"At the time of the divorce, I felt that choice had been robbed from me," she says. "Had I been married to someone else at 31, I'd probably have a child now. And I'd never guessed I'd feel so alone."

Edwards copes by volunteering at an elementary school in Oakland on Fridays. She works with third-graders who fill her up, she says. It's her favorite day of the week.

Fortunately, the stigma of having children later in life is gone. Also, there are more ways than ever to conceive: artificial insemination, IVF, surrogate motherhood and, of course, adoption. And one need not be a mother to care for so many people who need it in our society whether it be senior citizens or children with no or inadequate care. Good deal.

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Tags: breed, infertility, childless, nurturing instincts, adoption, foster care (all tags)

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  • good post. (0 / 0)

    What I thought about while reading it, is that there is validation about the range of experiences that women face whether they are actualized or not.  The idea that as a culture we are in the midst of giving weight to our emotional experiences and not trying to hide, avoid, or discount them is a monumental step in our acceptance of our shared humanity and the possibility for and reality of many varied experiences in life. Good post Elisa.

  • off topic... (0 / 0)

    I rec'd another letter from Blue Shield yesterday...how goes your experience with the insurance battle?

    • Hi Karen! (0 / 0)

      It's awful. I am going to deal with it on Monday as I received a lot of good tips on MT and DKos. I was too emotional and livid on Friday to deal with it. Like someone said, I am going to try my "fake nice" on Monday. :-)

      • Elisa, you won't believe this either. (0 / 0)

        Ladies, I have in my possession one of the rarest things in the universe.  I had to read it out loud to my husband to make sure I wasn't hallucinating.

        BC/BS sent me my EOB for my hospitalization last month.  Not only did they cover everything, but they actually reimbursed the hospital for MORE than what the hospital submitted!!!!  Almost $400 more!  ON PURPOSE.  There was a note that explained in non-English insurance-ese. I couldn't believe it!  I think I shall frame it, it may be worth something someday.

        Of course, I'm still $40 short of my deductible, dammit.  SO aggravating.

        • Whoa....that's amazing. (0 / 0)

          I received a letter yesterday that showed I still owe money but that the hospital was waiting to clear up the final payments from Blue Shield.  I'm not completely sure I owe anything, but after I called the hospital, it sounds like I have to wait until insurance has paid all that they owe.  

          One of the biggest frustrations I feel is knowing that there are so many people who can't afford the time to dig into the morass of paper and who may end up paying more than they are required.  

  • baby lust hit me hard (0 / 0)

    I had no interest in having kids, up until the day that I wanted one right that minute.  I feel sorry for people who are blindsided by their biological clocks after they've arranged their lives without thinking it would ever be a factor, because it can be very unexpected, and quite fierce!

    • Me too. (0 / 0)

      I kept thinking...oh yeah...maybe one day. And then I went to visit a friend's new baby, and came home to my husband and said "Let's go. It's time." After the best week of his life (he says), we were pregnant. All up...three weeks passed between "Let's go" and "My god!". We were so shocked...all I could think was "How in the world have I kept from getting pregnant all these years if I was that flippin fertile?!!". I realize how lucky we were. But that baby lust hits you hard when it hits. And I guess maybe the mind and the body were all in sync at once!

    • so true (0 / 0)

      I'm in the throes of baby lust once again. Fingers crossed...

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