Mother Talkers

Birthday Party Blues

by Laura

Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 02:52:34 PM PDT

DS is in first grade and has so far done pretty well.  He's freaky smart (multiplying two digits in  his head, adding three sets of three digits, doing addition and subtraction of negative numbers, etc) but his social skills are weak, to say the least.  I blame it partially on his early years- DH was a SAHD and they had very limited opportunities to interact with other kids since most of the moms in playgroup tended to assume he was looking for a little action on the side rather than just looking for a playdate.  Mostly DS has been blissfully ignorant of his lack of skills- moving happily between groups of kids, not noticing that most didn't seem thrilled to have him join their groups.  But today his sister (4) got her third birthday party invitation in 2 months and the lightbulb switched on- he doesn't get invited to birthday parties.

It's not like he doesn't have any friends, there are a couple of kids that we socialize with as a family,  just not many that seem to have birthday parties.  It broke my heart to watch him cry as he asked why no one likes him enough to invite him to a party.  He seems to have recovered now, but I'm stuck.  How do I teach a kid how to be "normal" socially?  He's not an Aspie (though I suspected that for awhile), he's just awkward.  He comes by it naturally- his dad and I both had serious geek tendencies back in the day, but we were both lucky enough to find social circles of like minded geeks.  I've tried having him invite a couple of kids over for playdates, but we don't get good responses.  It wouldn't be so awful except his sister seems to be emerging as quite the social butterfly (actually, more of a Queen Bee, which has me really worried) so the situation is highlighted.

Help?

Tags: child development, social skills, popularity (all tags)

Permalink | 22 comments

  • Aw (0 / 0)

    Aw, poor guy.

    Where is your daughter scoring all of these birthday invites?  Is she in a preschool or a daycare where there are lots of parties where everyone gets invited?  Maybe you could just tell him that, that they are just school events for her school and his school is different.  I know in our preschool, we get tons of invites to parties just because some parents invite the whole class (which is really nice of them!)

    Could you try to join some groups or even a church group or something where he could meet a new circle of friends in addition to the school crowd?

    Anyway, I'm sure you will get lots of good responses, just wanted to say hang in there and keep trying with the playdates and all of that.  He will find his way.

    by NJmom on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:02:08 PM PDT

  • Some thoughts (0 / 0)

    Since your daughter is younger, she may be getting more "whole class" invites than he is/did. At first/second grade is where people get sick of the 20-kid birthdays.

    I would look at some organized activities for him and see what is around. That may give you some more kids to match him.

    Keep trying with the playdates; with luck, you'll find a family that clicks with him better. It does seem to take time to build a playdate relationship - people are so busy.

    by shenanigans on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:09:45 PM PDT

    • i think you're right about party fatigue (0 / 0)

      also- can you ask your son's teacher or bus driver who he gets along w/ best?  has he been inviting over kids he already is friends w/, or kids he just wishes he were friends w/?

      i drive a school bus (actually a van) and it's easy to do a play date if you let another kid ride the bus home w/ your kid- do they have that set up at your son's school?  i don't want to assume that every school district has the same bus policy.  maybe the logistics of the playdates were too hard for the other moms before?  

      a lot of kids around here are really overscheduled, in my opinion- could it be that the kids were already booked for activities?  or the moms had other siblings to get somewhere?

      poor little guy- it's hard to be a kid.  i still take everything personal, and i'm 40 and a half.

      by thankgodforairamerica on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:52:33 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • aw! what a sweetie! (0 / 0)

     He sounds like a darling...i wonder where you live? maybe our kids can get together and be smart with each other...i've got a first grader who cries too because she's very smart and she doesn't make any friends at school. They call her weird and freak.  
    (my response to it was that those with lower intelligence are often intimidated by intellectuals...but that did not soothe her.)
    she just wants a place where she and her new friends can talk about being doctors when they grow-up and debate whether or not one should have children as finding a parental balance as a physician could be taxing.
    finding intellectual equals for smart kids is really rough. maybe if you enrolled him in a class?
    if he chooses it, he's more likely to encounter like-minded friends.  good luck!

    you get what you give

    by momof2 on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:24:45 PM PDT

  • "older" kids (0 / 0)

    I've noticed that the party invites have really slowed down now that my kids are in 2nd grade.  A lot more families are doing parties of only two or three guests where they do something like a movie and dinner or a kids' play or something.

    by Elizabeth on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:35:56 PM PDT

  • Thanks (0 / 0)

    Actually, she is in preschool, but these are still "small group" things- just a few kids.  I think that parents of little kids (she's only 4) are still excited at the idea of holding a big birthday bash.  Those who have older ones are less likely to be jazzed the idea- hence my "number of guests = your age" birthday party rule. I've thought about getting him into more afterschool stuff, but it would mean really re-organizing my work schedule and I wicked leery of having him get overscheduled (the first reason sucks, I know, but the second has some moral standing, doesn't it?).  He hates our church with a fiery passion because the Sunday School activities are unstructured and leave him a bit insecure.  He plays the sport of the season through the rec center (soccer in the fall, basketball in the winter, etc) but he lacks much athletic ability, so that doesn't really help.  Unfortunately, there's no social activity for first graders who really like to build things like dams and racetracks.  Thanks for the feedback though- it helps to know that someone's on our side!  (We're in NH, by the way...)

    by Laura on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 03:45:04 PM PDT

    • Have you talked to the teacher about it? (0 / 0)

      Is he really socially awkward or is it just how things are? She might help give you some insight as to ways to get him more social interaction and to help you know if there are skills that he needs, that the other kids suck, or that everything is fine.

      You might look at Boy Scouts or at 4-H. 4H is traditionally about animals, but individual clubs have a variety of activities. Mine, for example, has a Small Motors project. He'd be too young for that particular group, but you never know what might be out there.

      Maybe you could start a sunday afternoon lego playgroup. :-)

      by shenanigans on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 04:01:17 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • that's so funny- legos!! (0 / 0)

        i honestly didn't read your post until after i put mine up

        aren't legos the best?

        by thankgodforairamerica on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 04:20:29 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

      • I second this one (0 / 0)

        A good talk with the teacher could really give you insight into how he behaves with his peers, and what the peers are like, and which kids he is attracted to, and vice versa. Ask her specifically to describe any problem behaviors she's seen - she might feel hesitant otherwise. Ask her to describe also what he is good at in terms of social skills, or qualities he shows other kids besides book learning (make kids laugh, etc).

        Smart kids can and do learn to nurture friendships. It's a skill like everything else and can be taught. Hang in there!

        by RachelD on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 04:53:01 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

    • what about starting a dam building club? (0 / 0)

      or a racetrack building club?  or a lego building club?  or even a math club, since you said he's into math.

      maybe you could float the idea at the rec center- or school or the library or at a local toy store or something, or post an ad somewhere- is there a pta newsletter you could put a little write up in?  or maybe write a press release for the local paper announcing a dam building club will be forming- interested parents of elementary age children could contact you, etc?

      even if the club consisted of just your son and one or two other kids, it could be really fun.

      and your son can't be the only kid around who wishes he could build stuff with other kids.

      i wish i lived near you!  my 4 yo daughter would love to build stuff with your son, i'm sure.

      by thankgodforairamerica on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 04:16:16 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • You might ask at school (0 / 0)

    about activities he might find like-minded kids in. Maybe we are just lucky at our school, but they had programs called "mad science" and "robo-lab" that are open to all kids in the school [nominal fees] and chess club which is free. Maybe if they don't have something like that, they could look into starting it? This would give him like-minded friends.

    I have boy/girl twins, and DD gets more party invitations that DS. DS is the kind of kid who likes everyone but has only one or two close friends. DD is more of a social butterfly and gets invited to more things.

    Doesn't make it any easier, perhaps, but hang in there.

    by Lisa in Austin on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 04:50:37 PM PDT

  • My youngest daughter was not (0 / 0)

    social at all in school until this year...and she's in seventh grade.  She's very bright, too, and she's also used to hanging out with her older brothers and sisters.  Frankly, she was often quite disdainful of other children her age, but it did sometimes bother her that she didn't have close friends in school.  Then, out of the blue, this school year she's suddenly become very social...go figure.  

    My next-to-youngest has never been terribly social, either.  He was one who would go over to someone's  house and want to come home half an hour later.  He's still that way...thank goodness he's always had friends living in our neighborhood who'll come to our house and hang out with him.  

    By all means, talk to your son's teachers and see whats going on at school.  However, be careful with the advice...I remember being offended one year when my son was about 8 or so and his two teachers decided he just wasn't masculine enough and suggested activities that would "butch" him up a bit, for lack of a better way of putting it.  That just isn't who he is...and quite frankly, I resented the "sissy" implication.

    by tjb22 on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 05:14:03 PM PDT

    • advice (0 / 0)

      By all means, talk to your son's teachers and see whats going on at school.  However, be careful with the advice...I remember being offended one year when my son was about 8 or so and his two teachers decided he just wasn't masculine enough and suggested activities that would "butch" him up a bit, for lack of a better way of putting it.  That just isn't who he is...and quite frankly, I resented the "sissy" implication.

      Good advice.  On another topic, I remember in my introvert readings, reading that, statistically, most teachers, especially those at the elementary school level are extroverts.  Hence, many of them lack understanding of an introverted child's needs.  

      They don't understand that a kid isn't necessarily miserable and depressed if he doesn't talk all day and is happy to sit back and observe and then they get labeled as "shy" or "antisocial."  

      Not that there aren't really kids who do need help coming out of their shells, but some are perfectly happy being themselves and just need different types of situations to interact (small group activities, etc.).  

      by NJmom on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 05:47:28 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • sports sports sports (0 / 0)

      ugh! Whenever I have a discussion with teachers and administrators they always say, "Why don't you sign Miles up for soccer or some other team sport?" They are always pushing sports as a way to build team work skills and make him seem more "normal" to the other kids.  This pisses me off to no end.  Why is liking soccer more normal than liking science?

      Miles and His Favorites: The World As Seen By an Eight Year Old

      by Hillary on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 07:39:04 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • or liking computers? (0 / 0)

        Seriously, I live in a house full of computer nerds.  The kids come by it honestly...you should meet their father.  My son that I spoke of has literally been on the computer since he was old enough to toddle over to one and pull himself up into a chair in front of the screen.  And the kid gets plenty of exercise...he loves to bike and weather permitting, still takes several rides a day.

        Ofcourse, I think the thought was that my son had too many friends that were little girls.  Heaven forbid.  I bit my tongue, but I really wanted to ask if they were afraid that he was gay...as if playing football would change that anyway.

        Sometimes it feels as if you can't win with little boys.  I have this one who's quiet, another who never shuts up and the oldest who was very rough and tumble.  None of them seemed to satisfy.

        by tjb22 on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 07:44:52 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I can identify with this (0 / 0)

          Sometimes it feels as if you can't win with little boys.  I have this one who's quiet, another who never shuts up and the oldest who was very rough and tumble.  None of them seemed to satisfy.

          My boys are still very little but I always feel like I am being judged on their behavior.  My oldest just started nursery school this year.  So far, no birthday invites but I think that may have more to do with the parents than the kids.  I've noticed that the parents are very cliquey and DH and I are not in the same circle.  

          Still I love the school and the teachers are great.  I've noticed a lot of parents giving me funny looks when my kids are rambunctious at drop-off and pick-up times.  My boys are not mean and don't bother others but they get very silly and active together.  Of course my 2 year old is fairly tempermental about leaving his brother and all of the cool toys he sees there so he cries when we leave but I can't blame him for that.  It probably doesn't help matters that the little girls outnumber the boys by about three to one.  People who only have girls are sometimes less than accepting of little boys' activity levels.

          by music teacher on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 09:29:12 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

      • I know what you mean, but (0 / 0)

        I think that finding a physical activity is very good for the brain and neurology, and a good way to learn a lot of lessons.

        Team sports, especially juvenile local team sports, IMHO aren't especially good at those things, because the people who teach them are well intentioned but have little or no actual training, and have very little time to spend with each child. It's just an organized playgroup.

        My daughter plays soccer because she loves it, and I like meeting other neighborhood moms. I don't think it does all that much for her development.

        On the other hand, a good individual sport I think can be far more satisfying. You are competing only against yourself, and against the improvement you can make. A good coach knows how to integrate a lot of good lessons and make them approachable and set the kids up for success. My daughter's gymnastics coach is terrific - and a lot of the things they have always done incorporated counting, number and letter recognition, and a set of complex directions as in an obstacle course. There is a very good dynamic in that gym - and it's because she is so skilled as a coach, not because of gymnastics per se. I can imagine the same from swimming, martial arts, archery, and I experienced it with horseback riding.

        If you find an activity like that, he'll have other kids with common interests around him. There's a ton of learning and history and problem solving to be done in any of those activities.

        Now, it may well be that none of them suit, or that there are no good coaches in your area. C'est la vie. But if you find one, grab it.

        by shenanigans on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 09:17:11 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • running (0 / 0)

          Miles likes to run.  As you know, he ran a 5k in September and will run another in November. I think it's the perfect thing for him, really.  It causes his brain to turn off a bit, all he has to remember to do is put one foot in front of the other and breathe.

          The psychologist we're using for evaluation thinks he should learn to swim as well, and I agree. It would be helpful for him to get better coordinated and work on his mind/body connection.

          Obviously I am a fan of physical activity ;-), and we have tried hard to instill that in our kids since it was not at all emphasized in our homes growing up.  But it's this emphasis on team sports and being able to "throw a ball," etc. that rubs me the wrong way.

          Miles and His Favorites: The World As Seen By an Eight Year Old

          by Hillary on Wed Nov 14, 2007 at 07:56:06 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • You'll find a lot of us here... (0 / 0)

    who have similar kids!  Miles may be an Aspie (I guess we'll find out at the big meeting with the psychologist on Monday) but it's his intelligence that sets him apart from his peers socially.  They just can't get into conversations about DNA or the difference between Bow head and Right Whales or how amazing it is that Uranus spins on its side...

    We have signed him up for Odyssey of the Mind, though, and the first meeting is Thursday.  Of course, we have some trepidation since one of his flashpoints is groupwork, but he's so excited about the activity that we think he'll be able to keep his issues in check.

    As for birthday parties, Miles had in the past two years been invited to about four or five a year, but so far this year he has not been invited to any.  The two boys with early birthdays whose parties he went to in kindergarten and first are now in different classes, so I am assuming that's part of it.  I do feel sad about it, but he is somewhat oblivious to this stuff, too busy composing his next blog entry in his head or thinking about glaciers or whatever.  

    Miles and His Favorites: The World As Seen By an Eight Year Old

    by Hillary on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 07:36:26 PM PDT

    • My son loves to write, too. (0 / 0)

      On the computer, ofcourse.  He's never gotten into blogging, but he writes stories.  And plays.  And scripts.  I've wondered if he might have a very mild version of aspergers...but then, if he does, so does my husband.  Not always the most verbal people...but you know, we all weren't meant to be lives of the parties and dance with lampshades on our heads.

      by tjb22 on Tue Nov 13, 2007 at 07:47:41 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Have A Party! (0 / 0)

    Throw a party for your son's friends/classmates.  It doesn't have to be a birthday party; it could be cookie decorating or a holiday party or just a "hey, we're on winter vacation" party and invite as many kids as your home can handle from all parts of your life.  

    Doesn't have to be expensive or super-structured.  Some games, some cake/cookies and snacks and some running around time.  It will give you an easy way to connect with lots of parents, let your son feel social, and give you a chance to see who might be good candidates for deeper friendships.

    I have been in your son's shoes and I can tell you that it's miserable and reassurances about other people being not as smart are counterproductive because it's too easy already to turn feelings of rejection into condescension, which just magnifies the problem.  

    Most important, THIS IS YOUR PROBLEM TO SOLVE.  Your son doesn't need to adapt to the kids around him, you need to find him some better social outlets.  My husband and I, at great expense, have decided to stay in an urban area and send our kids to a private school where they are surrounded by other kids who don't watch TV, know what's going on in the news, and where everyone is in the math club.  Watching our children thrive is worth every penny.  

    by LawyerMom on Thu Nov 15, 2007 at 11:59:07 AM PDT

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