Mother Talkers

Where are the daddies?

by mpg

Sun Oct 07, 2007 at 06:55:34 PM PDT

Note: This is a topic I feel strongly about, too: Where are the male caregivers? My son's preschool finally has a male teacher's aide, which I think sets a good example for our boys. -Elisa


I nominated my son's preschool teacher for the Delaware Governor's Award for Excellence in Early Childhood Education and got to attend the awards banquet this week (she did not win, although she certainly deserved to!).

Although I'm grateful that I live in a state where preschool teachers and daycare providers are recognized by the governor (and given cash prizes), I was bothered by something during the proceedings. Every speaker (all of them female, including the governor) talked about how grateful they were to the people in the room because they make it possible for women to work - no mention of men at all. Pretty much all of them also said that they felt like crummy mothers for working, but that their wonderful childcare provider/preschool teacher made it OK.

Am I crazy because this bothers me? Don't these people make it possible for men to work too? And shouldn't these women also feel relieved that the teachers are wonderful so they don't have to feel "guilty" about doing something that supports their family, (perhaps) does some good in the world, and is just generally what they feel called to do?

I feel very lucky because I'm married to someone who takes it for granted that we will (legitimately) share all housework and childcare pretty much 50/50. But it bothers me that this doesn't seem to be a general expectation of women of my generation. I'd love to hear from you all about this - and hopefully, you'll tell me that I'm wrong, that the men are helping out and all of this was simply an oversight. But based on the comments of most of the women I know, I have a sinking feeling that I may be in the minority.

I guess I'd just like to see a day when women don't feel "guilty" about having jobs and when childcare providers are helping parents not women do what they need to do.

Tags: fathers, childcare, daycare, preschool (all tags)

Permalink | 27 comments

  • Don't get me started... (0 / 0)

    this is a little too close to the "its nice that your husband babysits/helps with the kids"....that always drove me nuts!

    I might cut a little slack concerning the group at your event...maybe it was just a "sisterhood" type thing...

    by tjb22 on Sun Oct 07, 2007 at 07:55:37 PM PDT

  • Grrrrr!!! (0 / 0)

    That's insane.  And, when both parents work outside the home, even part-time, daycare is giving them both more time.  WTF?

    by lonespark on Sun Oct 07, 2007 at 08:02:58 PM PDT

  • This little daddy stayed home. (0 / 0)

    That's where this daddy is.  'Course, I do work at home as well.  

    But you have hit on a pet peeve of mine since college, when every week it seemed there was another seminar - for women only, of course -  on how to balance family and career.  Men, clearly, were expected to ignore their families.

    Off-topic, I just wanted to say 'hi' as somebody new here - I hope Daddies are welcome.  I have been reading the site occasionally since becoming a parent and have enjoyed it greatly.

    by Grey Goose on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 06:09:16 AM PDT

  • Honestly (0 / 0)

    Men don't need daycare to work, period.  Women, overall, do the child care even today.  Obviously, there is lots of variation, my DH was a SAHD for our daughter's first year, but for the majority, this isn't true.  When you look at the data, men are not penalized for having children and working, women are.  That's why it's called the mommy track, and not the parent track.  Married men and Dad's actually make more than their single counterparts controlling for everything else, it's called the
    'marriage premium'.  Correll has a really interesting article that was just published on this.

    by anarchist mom on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 07:08:16 AM PDT

  • Praise for role models (0 / 0)

    My son's daycare is a family business, in a horrible neighborhood.  Black gradndad & white grandmom run the place and most of the teachers are their kids and their kids' spouses, plus there are a ton of grandbabies filling out the classes.  I think most of the kids there are on DES assistance, like we were for the first 6 months.  It's a great place, and I'm glad my tiny terror has several nurturing male role models he sees every day.

    by lonespark on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 10:07:17 AM PDT

  • Newsweek has a story this week (0 / 0)

    on stay-at-home dads, but I haven't had a chance to write about it yet.

    But it really worries me in particular how few men we have in elementary education, and that when we do, they tend to be principals.

    by shenanigans on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 11:38:14 AM PDT

    • I would love to see more men (0 / 0)

      in elementary education.  We need this now more than ever, I believe.  I do think that there are too many young female teachers who might not understand just how different little boys are in their approaches to learning.  God knows that if I hadn't grown up with brothers, there would have been plenty of times I would have thought my sons were abnormal.  I'd often ask my husband for confirmation!  

      I know in my district, trying to recruit any minorities into fulltime teaching is difficult because of union practices.  I wish they could waive these practices in order to have a teaching staff that was more representative of students and their families.  

      by tjb22 on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 12:57:59 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • I'd love to see more too (0 / 0)

        Part of the problem with there being so few is that you get some that really awful-I've witnessed male elem teachers leaving classes unattended or not dealing with bullying at all and they get away with it.  Because there are so few men, theyt can get away with some bad stuff because all administrators see is a male actually teaching in an elementary school so therefore they are God's gift to teaching.

        by music teacher on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 02:19:14 PM PDT

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        • Oh, absolutely. (0 / 0)

          Maleness gone amok...sorry, that sounds mean and stereotypical, but I've seen that happen.  One of the schools my kids attended had a male teacher with such a temper problem that he slammed a door shut so hard that it broke a window.  Guess he got by with this because, shucks, he was just being a man, you know...

          Another interesting observation:  in almost every building, if there is a male teacher, invariably he will be the union representative for that building.  You know, you need that male "enforcer" to keep all those women in line.

          by tjb22 on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 03:36:30 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • I think it relates to the discussion (0 / 0)

            It's like Dads getting credit for "babysitting" their own children.  A lot of men in education receive all kinds of accolades for the same work that goes unnoticed with many female educators.

            One of our local tv stations airs an "educator of the week" honor during the school year.  Parents and students nominate the teachers so it is kind of a popularity contest.  More than half of the time it is a male teacher and I usually don't see anything that unusual that occurs in their classrooms as opposed to the female teachers in the area.  I wonder if nurses and other pink collar professions experience the same thing.  It drives me crazy because there are some wonderful female educators that are passed up for jobs and promotions because the districts are so desperate to get men and then I a disproportionate share of men who have trouble with professional behavior.

            by music teacher on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 04:10:44 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

            • Chris Rock does a standup line (0 / 0)

              relating to this where he goes off on men saying things like "Hey, I take care of my kids!"....Rock will go on and on about them expecting admiration for doing something that they are supposed to be doing in the first place.  Ofcourse, he says it in a way much more humorous than my words can convey, but its funny because its so true.

              I've seen parents and school employees bend over backwards praising fathers, too, for being involved in their child's school or education.  And a single father?  Why, they practically pee their pants in excitement.

              by tjb22 on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 04:17:02 PM PDT

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              • I've heard that routine (0 / 0)

                it's seriously funny. Of couse, Rock is a seriously funny person on other topics as well!

                by Rachel on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 05:16:47 PM PDT

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              • My husband flew back from AZ to DE (0 / 0)

                with both our kids last spring and (fortunately for him) the boys were both angels. Not that he had any worries - everyone on the plane basically offered themselves as impromptu babysitters, clucking over what a good father he was.

                Need I say that I've been on public transportation with both of the children and not even been offered a seat?

                by mpg on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 06:38:41 PM PDT

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                • hah. i know (0 / 0)

                  DH generally has a good handle on these things, but one time he was talking up about how he was such a good father for coming home from work early one day so I could do an interview. DH: "Gee, you're lucky to have me." Me: "Lucky? Lucky that you do your job as a father. Matey, If I'm lucky, you've hit the mega-jackpot lottery in terms of me as a mother." Funnily enough, I haven't heard him use that line since...

                  by Rachel on Tue Oct 09, 2007 at 02:15:11 AM PDT

                  [ Parent ]

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