Mother Talkers

Wedding Gift Etiquette

by littlepear

Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 10:49:30 AM PDT

DH and I have friends getting married this weekend. The bride and groom are classmates of his from law school and he works with one of them. We weren't invited to the wedding, which at first we felt a little bummed about, but we figure that they are keeping it to their closest family and friends. Yesterday at work DH and several of his colleagues got on the subject of proper wedding gift giving etiquette, specifically how much money to give or how much to spend on a gift. One co-worker said that the minimum was $200 no matter what. DH was a little taken aback by this, as we have never been able to afford being that generous. After dinner he and I were discussing this trying to figure out if our friends have considered us cheap.

I've always gone by the thought that you should try to spend as much on a gift as they spend per head for the reception. But, then there are many other factors that I think should be considered. The relationship with the bride and groom - I'm willing to splurge more on close friends and family. Traveling a great distance just to attend the wedding can really be costly, so we've always considered our presence to be part of the gift. A good example of this was when we forked over about $1000 to attend a dear friend's wedding in Wisconsin a few years ago. We still gave them a nice gift, but we might have spent a little more if we didn't have the cost of travel to factor in. So I turned to my trusty Amy Vanderbilt etiquette book and sadly found no advice on what is the proper amount to spend. A quick search of the internet led me to this article that pointed out there really is no specific set amount:

Emily Post says there is no rule. You should let your affection for the bride and groom guide you, but you should stay within your budget, and be financially responsible when you buy a wedding gift. The giving of wedding gifts is not a competition. Your gift should reflect who you are and your relationship to the bride and groom. If you cannot afford to give as much as you would like, remember that the gift can be given within the first year after the wedding. Sooner is better, of course. But with that much time, you may be able to save enough to purchase the wedding gift you would truly like to give.

This same article went on to list the national averages as follows:

  1. If buying for a co-worker or a distant family member, guests tend to spend $50-$75 each on a wedding gift.
  1. Those attending the wedding of a relative or friend are likely to spend $75-$100 each on a wedding gift.
  1. When a close relative or close friend gets married, the wedding gift will probably cost $100-$150 or more per each guest.

I don't think any of my friends would be petty enough to think of people as "cheap" for not spending a set amount. In fact several of them are the type of people that were just happy we were there to share the big day with them. But I wanted to hear what you MTers thought. Is there truly a set amount that is proper to give? Are people cheap if they don't give/can't give that amount?

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Tags: wedding gifts, etiquette (all tags)

Permalink | 49 comments

  • Back and forth (0 / 0)

    I go back and forth on the wedding gift question.

    I know around here, it's pretty much expected (I think) that you give basically the price of the reception per head.  So if it's an evening reception with music etc, maybe $250 a couple.  So that's what I usually stick with and usually it works out. I honestly haven't gone to any weddings where I didn't really like the couple and I had been able to afford the gifts at the time.

    Some people give a lot more.

    I've also seen that weddings, again, at least around here, are generally cash-only.  You don't see people sending or bringing gifts, they are more for the shower.

    But, I also believe that you should give what you can afford and the cost of the reception shouldn't play in.  It's the couple's choice where they having the wedding, why should that pressure the guest.  But there are expectations.  I go back and forth.

    But, for some weddings, depending on the location and who it is, it's not a bad idea to decline a wedding invite if you don't think you can afford to go (attending can be expensive, dresses, travel, gifts).  That is always an option and if you really can't afford to go and give what you think is a proper gift and if it's not a really close friend or relative, declining might be better.  

    by NJmom on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 11:09:15 AM PDT

  • I go with what we can afford (0 / 0)

    We actually had a "standard" wedding gift that we gave when we lived in PA.  Many of the weddings we attended were out of state, for friends back home.  There were a few local folk arts in Lancaster and we found that a piece of art made a great gift and allowed us to shop locally.  We chose a piece that fit the couple and found that there was quite a range of prices and pieces to choose from.  We usually included a note in the card about enjoying a piece of PA in their home along with info about the artist and type of folk art.  

    We tended to spend about $100/wedding.  There wasn't much variance since if we were traveling for the wedding we were likely close to the couple.

    As for our own wedding, we rarely considered what each guest spent or did not spend.  I didn't really care - what meant more was that they showed up!

    Jen

    by MrsPastor on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 11:21:33 AM PDT

  • What you can afford (0 / 0)

    This is why I like registries. So peeps can choose gifts, or clusters of little gifts, to fit their budget without worrying. Among friends, everyone kind of knows who can afford what, and it's unreasonable to think that, for example, our friends who are artists can afford the same amount as our friends who are lawyers.

    I usually spend about $200 - $250. Less for us would indeed be cheap.

    It's never occured to me to link it to the cost of the reception. So if a young couple gets married and has limited means, they don't get any china or nice sheets? They get pot holders? I don't like that. And I wouldn't spend $500 just because the reception was ultra lux. Makes no sense to me.

    That said, I am borderline cheap when it comes to kids gifts at this point. Not the shower and not the first birthday maybe, but geez, I'd like to ratchet down the kid spending, and I hope my friends do the same for us.

    RachelD

    by RachelD on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 11:51:14 AM PDT

    • Cost Per Head (0 / 0)

      I actually heard this when I worked for a large hotel in Chicago. I worked in the catering department and they would not "do" a wedding for less than $12,000 (for about 150 people - if you do that math its roughly $80 per head)and that was just for the reception. Now, most of my friends are not of the means to afford that much on their weddings and it would be totally tacky to ask how much they are spending on the wedding.

      Jen in NJ

      by littlepear on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 12:06:09 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • We got married young (0 / 0)

      and got no china or nice sheets.  We got a few kitchen items we'd registered for at Target and a digital camera (from the in-laws).  And tupperware.

      We paid for the thing ourselves, so it wasn't particularly expensive per-person, but I do think A LOT of people think this way.

      What do you mean, uh-oh? baby pictures

      by round peg inna square hole on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 09:41:06 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • The obvious answer (0 / 0)

    is "what you can afford". When DH and I got married, we knew that our younger friends couldn't afford the "by plate" rule- and be certain, in Chicago it's a RULE - and that was fine, we were just happy to spend the day with them. But I think the above list is pretty darn good.  Of course, you can take into account the cost to travel to the wedding, the relationship, etc.

    Of course, you know things are different with close friends. Sometimes they would prefer a memorable gift instead of cash- sometimes you can make something 100X more special. I think going with what you know is best is the way to go. But when you don't know? Per plate.

    by lilianna28 on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 12:12:35 PM PDT

  • Holy crap! (0 / 0)

    None of my family and friends ever spends that much!  I tend to go with, "Give them something they want.  Maybe spend around $50, if you can afford it, or go in with others for one big gift."

    by lonespark on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 01:04:45 PM PDT

  • about $100 is my guideline (0 / 0)

    up to $150 if it's someone very close to me, maybe as low as $75 if it's more of a casual friend.

    I really don't care how much they spent per plate. Whether your wedding is fancy or simple is not my choice, or my business. I don't see why it should dictate how much I spend on a gift.

    I went to one black tie wedding, for my husband's old boss. In San Francisco. So we had to rent the hubby a tux, buy me a fancy dress, shell out for a hotel room (because who wants to drive all the way to Sacramento after a reception that ends at midnight?) AND still shell out for a gift.

    They got the lovely, expensive coffee grinder that they registered for. It wasn't one of the more expensive items on their registry, but oh well. And we made the most of an opportunity to play dress-up. :-)

    by Erika on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 02:14:22 PM PDT

  • Three words (0 / 0)

    Champagne, champange, champagne.  You can get a GREAT bottle of champers for under $50. It's fitting, luxurious, sentimental, celebratory and tasty.

    Honestly, people who make up 'rules' about how much to spend on gifts ought to be ashamed of themselves. It's a celebration--not time to recoup your investment via gifts.

    I heard on the radio just today about a woman who is selling everything at her wedding: chair covers, vases, candles, etc. How romantic. Where exactly does one find a minister/auctioneer?:

    by sangfroid on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 02:26:44 PM PDT

    • Afford (0 / 0)

      I do think that there are regional (and ethnic, religious) etiquettes going on though, so I'm not sure that a couple should be ashamed of themselves if they "expect" a certain gift.  That's kind of what etiquette is in a way.  It's an unspoken norm.

      BUT, I totally agree with you that to judge people based on the amount as a bride and groom is really mean.  If you can't afford to pay for the extravagant wedding and are counting on these gifts to pay for it, then you shouldn't be having it and should tone it down.

      by NJmom on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 04:29:25 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • go with what you can afford (0 / 0)

    of course! But you know what? If you haven't been invited to the wedding, don't feel obligated to give them a present. Send them a nice card with some heart-felt words. DH and I had a small civil ceremony, and had decided before we even knew that we weren't going to do the big-party thing that we weren't going to register. Ended up telling a lot of people that we didn't need anything as we were living overseas and planning on moving around a bit. Some people were kind enough to give checks, but it wasn't at all expected. I have, however, made a scrapbook of all the lovely cards we got from our friends and family, and I love looking back over those.

    by Rachel on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 03:38:03 PM PDT

    • I agree. (0 / 0)

      If you're not invited to a wedding, reception or shower, you're not obligated to send a gift.  

      by tjb22 on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 04:04:03 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • correct (0 / 0)

        You are not obligated to give a gift unless you are invited to the wedding.  If you want to give a gift, then it is completely up to you what you would like to give, if anything at all.

        Anne W
        Gifts By Delivery

        by Anne W on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 08:10:23 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • I would go further and say (0 / 0)

          you're not obligated to give a gift unless you attend the wedding, and even then, generally the point is that they want your attendance. If you can't afford both the travel and a gift, In My Very Humble and Non-Ettiquette Guided Opinion, and the person is a good/close friend, you can still go. You can probably even think of a free/cheap gift to give, like writing up a pretty booklet of great fast recipes, photographs you've taken of the couple, offering to help out at the wedding, whatever. I know that's not Officially Classy, but frankly, a true friend does not want you to go into debt over a gift.

          But merely receiving an invitation or announcement absolutely carries no obligation.

          by shenanigans on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 09:17:00 AM PDT

          [ Parent ]

  • I think the national averages are about right (0 / 0)

    The national averages seem about right.  In general we try to keep to the per plate cost or ballpark it.  We've been known to do a little less when we've been tight but most of our friends were in the same situation.  DH's family is terrible about that.  Then again, except for our wedding, his family did mostly backyard and potluck receptions.

    by music teacher on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 03:43:58 PM PDT

  • I've never heard (0 / 0)

    that before about spending the per head cost of the reception!  I say just get something great in the price range you can afford, which is why I also agree that registries are wonderful.  I think it's more important that the gift is meaningful to the couple.  

    When my husband and I (both serious coffee drinkers) got married 17 years ago, someone gave us a pound of beans and small plug-in grinder.  We still use that grinder and think fondly of the friend that gave it to us!

    We also had a wedding where we requested that people not bring gifts/cash.  That didn't stop people; we obviously still got some things.  We had been planning on going to spend a year in Europe and then decided what the heck to get married before we went, but we didn't want to suddenly have to deal with a lot of stuff, which is why we said no presents.  So, we decided to get married, got married 10 days later in my parents' living room by a JP, who was a college friend of my mother's and then the next day we went off to Europe.  

    Margaret
    therebyhangsatale.com

    by mefpdx on Tue Oct 02, 2007 at 05:56:17 PM PDT

  • Things to consider (0 / 0)

    I come from a huge extended Polish family and DH is the youngest of 6.  We had to have a pretty large wedding (about 200) just to include family.  Because of this both of our parents helped out a lot.  Although, generally the gifts averaged something close to the cost per plate we definitely were not expecting it.  I think it is tacky for the bride and groom to expect a certain $ amount in wedding gifts.  We went in with the attitude that we were having the kind of party we wanted to have and boy was it a party!

    I also agree that there are regional/ethnic differences.  My family is all upstate NY, Polish and Catholic.  They give pretty generous gifts from the registry at the shower and cash at the wedding.  DH's family is from the Baltimore/DC area although his mom is originally from Boston and his dad is an immigrant from Lithuania.  Nobody from his dad's family in the states even attended or sent gifts.  The New Englanders were kind of thrifty.  DH's immediate family mainly gave gifts instead of cash at the wedding.  

    Dh's immediate family, and I do love them dearly, is an example of other cultural forces at work.  They made it clear from the start that they were uncomfortable with our big Catholic wedding although they eventually came around and had a great time that day.  His family is lapsed Catholic/somewhat Unitarian at present if they go to church at all.   His mom grew up Catholic and ashamed of it and the Polish side of her family in a WASPy area.  DH's immediate family ended up just kind of doing it's own thing for holidays and family events such as weddings and funerals and really try to be nonconformist (think Royal Tannenbaums but not as dysfunctional) which sometimes translates into a lack of social graces so I think that played into their comfort level.  

    by music teacher on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 08:30:10 AM PDT

  • Wow. (0 / 0)

    I guess I'm cheap.

    I've never spent $200 on a wedding gift, though I've spent more than that to attend a wedding.

    I love registries because it allows me to choose something that I know the couple needs. With most of my friends, I haven't been to their houses so often and so recently that I know what kitchen things they have and don't have, or what other things they might need. I also like going in with people on one big gift that would be hard for any one person to justify/afford.

    I don't want to give a gift of any amount that will be just clutter.

    When there's no registry, and no personal Aha! moment, I've enclosed a check with a nice card urging them to go out to dinner on me. Every new couple needs that.

    Personally, I'm a curmdugeon. I think people spend too much money planning/executing a wedding. Under any other circumstance, the choice between spending $20k, $30k, or more on a party or on a car, or a house down payment, or just savings, would be obvious.

    by shenanigans on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 09:11:37 AM PDT

    • I'm with you on this (0 / 0)

      $200 on a gift seems excessive. Like, waay excessive. It is a regional thing, though, I think. My East Coast friends think that's about right. I think $50-100 is enough, especially if you've shelled out for shower gifts as well.

      I always buy off the registry. We received so many lovely glass bowls that absolutely were NOT on our registry. What will I do with ten decorative glass bowls? Open a glass bowl hall of fame? It's like people looked at our registry, which included items like a pizza cutter and bedding, and said, you know, what they REALLY need is a lovely glass bowl.

      If no registry, gift cards someplace useful like Target.

      I too think people spend way too much on weddings. We had a damn nice wedding for under 6K. It took some work (and some personal connections) but I just don't see how anyone can run up a 20K bill for one party.

      Which makes me think the cost-per-head rule is pretty screwy. Maybe after the wedding you can guesstimate how much it cost, but how are you supposed to know that beforehand? Do you call them up and ask?

      by minnmom on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 09:27:55 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • registry (0 / 0)

        You just kind of know how much the wedding costs based on where it is, is it at night or in the day, etc.

        If there is a registry, people should try to stick with it if possible, unless it is something very unique.  I've found the same thing, there were some things that people will just NOT buy off a registry.  Like take those really nice expensive knives.  Sure, one of them can cost a bundle and you kind of feel silly walking in with one knife wrapped, but if that's what they wanted, why shouldn't they get it.  I always make a point to buy that kind of stuff.  People like to buy stuff in the big boxes.

        I remember I didn't want to register for china.  My cousins told me, register, you will get it all.  They were right.  People love buying it.  And I did and I did get it all.  I'm glad I have it now, although it is boxed up right now.

        by NJmom on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 10:08:17 AM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        • Most of the time (0 / 0)

          I've never heard of the venue, and have no idea what the wedding budget is. I suppose some people have more knowledge of that.

          by shenanigans on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 12:31:02 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

          • No idea here either (0 / 0)

            I honestly think on the east coast things are more standardized than other places. That's the way my BF from New York paints it. Like, a Saturday night wedding at a country club costs this much, and a Sunday afternoon wedding costs this much.

            My BIL is getting married next month at a historic B&B. No idea what they are paying for the facility. They hired their own caterers and I don't know what they will be serving since we weren't given one of those menu-choice cards in the invite. I have no idea what they are paying for flowers, cake, favors, etc.--all those extras that can really affect the cost. Which makes me think: do I pay less for a gift because she might go with mums for the flower arrangements instead of roses? Or do I pay more because she had her invites calligraphied by hand? It's too confusing.

            by minnmom on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 12:58:37 PM PDT

            [ Parent ]

    • Industry (0 / 0)

      The wedding industry really is out of control.  It's so easy to get sucked into it.

      by NJmom on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 10:09:08 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • first and foremost (0 / 0)

    You are not under any obligation at all to give a gift.  

    Ever.  Giving a gift, under any circumstances should be something that you want to do.

    Beyond that, if you decide that custom and manners dictate that you give a gift, it should be something that you feel comfortable about giving, something that is within a range that you can afford and takes your relationship with the recipient into account.

    Bottom line - No set rule  

    Earth Friendly Shopping
    Voting with our dollars for a cleaner, greener, better world

    by Caldreaming on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 12:35:20 PM PDT

  • Late to this (0 / 0)

    and maybe it is because all of my friends who married have been young and broke (like me), but I hardly ever spend that kind of money on wedding gifts.  I usually make something ($40 or so) or I'm IN the wedding and traveling to it.

    I doubt any of your friends think you're cheap.  I do wish when I got married I'd been the recipient of $100 per gift.  LOL.

    What do you mean, uh-oh? baby pictures

    by round peg inna square hole on Wed Oct 03, 2007 at 09:37:59 PM PDT

    • Not late (0 / 0)

      We eloped so no big wedding for us. A few family members gave us gifts after we shared our happy news. DH and I always had the philosophy that the wedding is about the couple to be wed and not all that other crap (who sits next to who, china, flowers, etc.). So maybe that is why I am so befuddled by all of this etiquette stuff.

      Jen in NJ

      by littlepear on Tue Oct 09, 2007 at 10:40:57 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • late too. (0 / 0)

    wedding gifts...yeesh what a loaded subject.  my dh and i are off to one this weekend. and it is a family affair which i love.  

    what ticks me off is a registry of gifts that are SOOO over the top!  i deplore those who register for gifts and the least expensive is over $250. this to me is tacky tacky tacky.

    i say get what you can afford.  and if the wedding couple would love money...fine.  although personally i am a gift giver.  i like thinking about the couple and giving something i really hope suits THEM!

    when dh and i got married 10 years ago, both in our 40's but still wanted a celebration our invite stated..please no gifts, the biggest gift is you joing our celebration.  however if you feel you must...then we asked that they give to our favorite childrens fund in sf. here we were in our 40s we sure as poop didn't need a thing.  but i hear many are insulted by this now.  etiquette is hard :)

    by parentalunit1 on Thu Oct 04, 2007 at 08:22:01 PM PDT

  • me three (0 / 0)

    i abhor the idea of guidelines and expectations in relation to gift giving. it really totally disgusts me.

    i also do not particularly enjoy buying from a registry. how is someone going to know, thirty years from now, that i bought them those four plates?!?!?!

    i prefer a personally selected item that has some meaning, a statement and blessing from me as a friend, about and for their union. i usually have very good reactions to these gifts, and cost certainly comes no where near what these "guidelines" are.

    in my big mouthed opinion, gifts should be from the heart.

    We cannot defend freedom abroad by deserting it at home. - E.R. Murrow

    by lorin on Mon Oct 08, 2007 at 03:01:58 PM PDT

    • Thanks (0 / 0)

      Its been so nice to read all of the thoughts on this topic. At first I breathed a sigh of relief and thought, its silly to think that my friends would think DH and I were cheap.

      Jen in NJ

      by littlepear on Tue Oct 09, 2007 at 10:45:53 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

    • You've never met my mom (0 / 0)

      She remembers everything.  She can tell me in detail who gave her what for her wedding shower, wedding, and my baby shower.  I think she knows who gave me all of my gifts too.  It's kind of weird though.  I can remember her pulling out duplicate items she received from her wedding over the years like sheet sets or an extra toaster and she could always tell me who it was from.  Lest she sound overly materialistic, she also has a knack for remembering everyone's birthday no matter how trivial the acquaintance.

      I agree that it is in bad taste for people to judge others by how much they spent on a wedding gift.  While mine averaged the per plate cost and that's what I try to give as a courtesy, the bride and groom shouldn't feel entitled to any $ amount.

      by music teacher on Tue Oct 09, 2007 at 02:25:51 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

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