Mother Talkers

Babysitter Blues?

by RachelD

Mon Oct 15, 2007 at 11:55:31 AM PDT

Last night I couldn't sleep wondering if things were ok between my son and his babysitter.

I've noticed a change in his reaction to her when she comes in the door. He used to grin and be delighted and would hug her. Lately it's just a small smile, if that, and maybe pointing at her in acknowledgement. He used to copy her crinkle smile, but not anymore.

Because of his shifting nap schedule, he is almost always still asleep when I leave. I've never been fond of that, and wonder if that is part of the problem. She also seems a bit down lately, and kids respond in kind. She was perfect with him when he was tiny, but she is not high energy generally, and my son is very high energy.

Or maybe it's developmental? He's 17 months now, and he definitely makes a little disgruntled noise and frowny face when he knows I am leaving. Maybe he sees her and knows I am leaving. She comes two afternoons a week for 3 hours and on Friday nights (she helps with dinner, and then I put him down and go out with dh). She has been with us for about a year.

So I am confused. How do I figure out if they are a good fit now or if this is a phase? They had such a good rapport in the past, so I don't want to muck around with this relationship unless there is a problem.

What have you all done when you suspect the fit is no longer good or the babysitter and your kids are going through an awkward phase?

Tags: babysitters, good fit with babysitters (all tags)

Permalink | 14 comments

  • don't see much of a problem (0 / 0)

    But maybe that's because I have had to leave a screaming, weeping child at day care, with no choice but to head to the office. Boy did that suck.

    But that only lasted a day or two. Most days, she was perfectly happy to get there and very quickly ran to the teacher or the kids or some other activity. Other days, she was clingy and didn't want me to go. Some days, she seemed ambivalent.

    I think it's normal. Children will have different moods and reactions from day to day, even with people they know. Even now, some days I get home and get a running bear-hug and kiss from DD; others, she barely acknowledges me.

    If your son isn't recoiling in terror or crying when he sees the babysitter, then I don't think there's much to worry about. But it could be that he's ready for more interaction with other kids his age...is he in any sort of playgroup?  

    by Erika on Mon Oct 15, 2007 at 03:46:04 PM PDT

    • Yes, that would totallly suck (0 / 0)

      I imagine I'll get that at some point, too. He is definitely very demonstrative about his preferences in general. And about a month ago I started a playgroup of his best bud and our neighbors - several of whom have toddler sons, too. Great minds think alike :).

      Thanks for the feedback, Erika.

      RachelD

      by RachelD on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 11:46:44 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • I think it's the age (0 / 0)

    I started taking Jess to the creche at my gym when she was about 16 months old. One hour 15 minute sessions in a really cheerful setting with wonderful women running the show. The first month or so was fantastic, and then it was like the bottom fell out of the world; Jesse got extremely clingy, cried and said "no go! No go to creche!" I diaried about it here last year. I ended up taking a break from December to late January. When we went back, the first few times were weepy, but then she fell back into it as if nothing happened at all.

    I think at around the 18 month point, toddlers start becoming aware of when we're not there and expressing that anxiety. So it may be a reflection of his development and not a signifier of the relationship with the babysitter. Why not have a chat to the lady and ask what she's noticed (not in an accusatory manner, but as someone who spends time with your son, she may be noticing things too).

    by Rachel on Mon Oct 15, 2007 at 04:04:36 PM PDT

    • I remember that (0 / 0)

      When you wrote about Jess's refusal to stay in the creche. I think I am coming down on the side of it's developmental, and maybe our babysitter hasn't caught up with him yet. And, while she's fairly young (28), running around is not her thing. That's all my son does :). I think you're right - it's probably time for a conversation about how they spend their time together. Hopefully we'll figure something out.

      by RachelD on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 11:50:55 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Good or bad fit (0 / 0)

    We've had ups and downs with babysitters, and some people are a better match for a baby than they are for a toddler or older child.  My next door neighbor was my afterschool babysitter for a long time, but then my son started complaining - she's good at watching a baby, taking long walks (with stroller through our neighborhood), or watching a small child play....but not good at playing with an older child, and he got bored.  She's a wonderful person, and still my emergency back-up, but not a regular thing.  

    Is this something you can talk about with your sitter (he seems a little unhappy, do you know what might be going on?)?

    We have switched sitters from time to time - sometimes both child and sitter are ready for the change.

    by Sue in Queens on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 03:35:34 AM PDT

    • I wonder (0 / 0)

      I wonder if she does prefer babies - or if their rhythyms are just more her thing. They are certainly easier to take care of (in hindsight of course - I thought it was hard back then :). I am planning on talking with her about activities they can both enjoy. She's not very active, but hopefully we can come up with something. Otherwise I am just going to watch it the next few months, and if it doesn't come together again, look for alternatives.

      by RachelD on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 11:54:45 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Could (0 / 0)

    Could just be the age ... they get smart and realize that that person means you are leaving for a while.  When they are younger, they don't get it as much.

    BUT if she seems a bit down herself, then I would think more about it, it could be her.  Maybe she's got a lot going on, or can't really do the job anymore?

    Tough one!  

    by NJmom on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 04:42:06 AM PDT

    • Activity level (0 / 0)

      I think you're right - as I mentioned above I think it's a combo of developmental and totally different activity levels. She's quite young (28), but is generally not fond of running around. She's had some health problems lately, so that might be part of it. She's single with no kids, so at least I know it's not something overwhelming with her own family.

      I'll just see how it goes, and hopefully it will work well again. Thanks, NJmom.

      by RachelD on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 11:57:50 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

  • Totally the age (0 / 0)

    That's totally the age where they start catching on to the fact that you are leaving. DS never cried at all when I dropped him off at day care, until he was 18 months. He stopped after a couple months. I'm sure the sitter is just fine.

    by minnmom on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 05:43:36 AM PDT

    • Disgruntled (0 / 0)

      That's exactly what he is like when I leave - and now when I come home. I'm glad to know it's a few months - not so bad, and also not something that will change "back" next week either. I should probably get ready for the crying - your experience echoes other mom's! Sounds like fun :/

      by RachelD on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 12:01:00 PM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      • We had that with our goddaughter (0 / 0)

        We would watch her once or twice a week in the evenings.  She would cry when her mom left her and then when mom came back she would cry that she didn't want to go home.  Something about the transition was hard for her at that time.  I don't remember it going on for long, just one of those phases.

        Jen

        by MrsPastor on Fri Oct 19, 2007 at 03:24:49 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

  • limited experience (0 / 0)

    What have you all done when you suspect the fit is no longer good or the babysitter and your kids are going through an awkward phase?

    DS didn't have a lot of babysitters so I'm not an expert on this.  When it felt to me like he was bored during his time with his regular babysitter, or quietly resisted it, and it lasted a while, I made other arrangements.  

    But that was when he was older.  And I do think the energy level had something to do with it.  When he was younger with her, there were other kids to run around with.  When he was older, the only other child was studious and quiet.  He didn't have much to do.  Also when he was younger and more prone to separation anxiety, I just hung around until she got him involved in something.  He loved being with her.

    She was such a wonderful friend to our family and I treasure the time it really clicked for them.  And I know she misses him.  So it wasn't completely easy to move on, but it was the best thing for DS.

    Good luck with your thinking about this, and keep us posted.

    by mamacita on Tue Oct 16, 2007 at 04:47:20 PM PDT

  • Go with your gut (0 / 0)

    I agree with everyone: I'm sure the babysitter is just fine, too. However, never, ever, ever doubt your "gut" -- that inside voice that's telling you something isn't quite right. If you're getting the idea -- so much that you couldn't sleep well -- that things are not completely harmonious with the arrangement, why not broach the subject carefully with the sitter? I've found over the years that my gut rarely steers me wrong.

    by Kay on Wed Oct 17, 2007 at 11:37:33 AM PDT

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